We're getting ready to head down to God's Waiting Room (i.e. Florida) for Christmas so that my lovely daughter can eat sand on the beach for a week while getting smothered around the clock by her grandparents. My parents have no cable TV, no internet access and no stereo. They hate air conditioning, love eating dinner at 5:30, and are fast asleep by 9:00 pm. I like to refer to spending time down there with them as being on my own reality show...Survivor: Palm Beach!
Since I don't know when I'll be able to post again, I thought I'd leave you with a few random thoughts and stories. Chaos Theory: the Holiday Edition.
Enjoy...
HOLD ALL MY CALLS!
One of the reasons that we put Peanut in daycare is because we suspected that our nanny was talking on the phone all day. Sometimes, I'd walk into the apartment unexpectedly and she'd be there simultaneously yapping on the phone, preparing the Peanut's lunch, flipping through People magazine, and filing her nails. If there's one thing that our nanny could do, it was multi-task.
Last night, while I was washing the dishes, Peanut was eating some mac-and-cheese at her little miniature dining/play table. When I looked up to see how she was doing, she had the phone cradled on her shoulder, was eating with one hand, drawing a picture with the other, and nodding her head up and down while saying, "uh huh, yeah, ok, yeah, mm hmm, ok."
It's truly amazing to watch what kids pick up.
My friend Adam is a big cheese at a major bank but he has 3 kids so he tends to work at home a lot. Recently, he walked into his living room, only to see his 3-year old daughter with a pretend phone, saying, "NO, NO, NO! That is NOT what I said!"
WE HAD TO BEAT THE SINGLE WOMEN AWAY WITH STICKS
I was speaking to my friend Andrew today. Andrew and I have been friends since we were 13. Back in high school, we were both star athletes but we were also both a little off-kilter so we never really fit in with the "jock crowd." The great thing about our relationship is that neither of us ever worries about the other person thinking we're strange so we can just relax with one another and be our normally strange selves. Everyone needs a friend like that.
Anyway, we started reminiscing about the days when we lived together in Washington, DC after college. During that time, I would often hole up in my bedroom for days with a pile of microfiched NY Times Sunday crossword puzzles that I'd spent hours copying from the Library of Congress. However, Andrew didn't mind because he was usually in the other room engaging in HIS favorite hobby...reading the dictionary! For fun! With a highlighter!
And even though our rooms were only separated by a few feet, we'd often talk to each other on the phone for hours. I'd call him at 1:00 am on a Friday night and ask whether he knew a Hungarian filmmaker whose name had four letters. An hour later, he'd call me asking whether I knew that the word, "karaoke" was derived from the Japanese word "okesutora," a rough translation of the word, "orchestra."
Nerds at play, yo!
Today on the phone, we discussed how incredibly fortuitous it was that we both found these beautiful women who were willing to marry two totally incredible geeks like us.
ANYONE WANT TO SPLIT A COBB SALAD AND TALK ABOUT THE NEW PHILLIP ROTH BOOK?
I love red meat. I love scotch. I love women. And I love sports. But that doesn't mean that I want to sit around with a bunch of guys and talk about macho shit all day. Last week, I had a work-related lunch with some bankers and my head was spinning from all the testosterone flying around the table. What is it about some guys that when they're with a group of men they feel they've got to be as macho as possible? Fuck! I just wanted to beat some of them upside their head with my beret.
THREE SIGNS OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE & THE END OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION
(1) Four of the top-selling books on Amazon right now are by Rachel Ray.
(2) Jennifer Aniston and K-Fed were seen holding hands and leaving a club together.
(3) The Yankees starting pitching rotation might be Petite, Mussina, Clemens, and Johnson.
HOW TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM
I used to love pulling pranks on people whenever I was in a public restroom. One of my favorites was turning off the lights just as I was walking out the door. Hearing 4-5 guys in pitch darkness, taking craps in the stalls yell out, "HEY! What the fuck!" always cracked me up. Other times, I'd hear someone grunt in a stall and I'd shout out, "That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's the boss!"
Anyway, at the beginning of this week, I was Christmas shopping at Macy's and had to use the restroom. The line for a stall must have been 20 people deep and was moving at a snail's pace. At one point, the guy standing in line in front of me turned around to face me and said, "Man, this better be fucking worth it!"
I'm STILL laughing my ass off over that one!
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, CRY, CRY AGAIN.
As most of you know, we are solidly in the throes of the Terrible Twos. The other day, I apparently made a drastic mistake by giving Peanut the wrong celery stick. This came as a surprise to me because I didn't even know there was a RIGHT celery stick. Naturally, Peanut melted into the floor and went into one of her patented tantrums.
Only this time, I knelt down to look at her face closely. It looked like a normal tantrum. It sounded like a normal tantrum. But, after a closer observation, I noticed that no tears were coming out of her eyes!
She was trying to play me for a sucker! Damn, what a sly dog.
I started laughing hysterically and yelled out, "BUSTED! Nice try, kiddo. A+ for effort! Bravo!" For a brief second, I could hear the little gears turning in the Peanut's head as she contemplated whether to continue with her charade or just give up the ruse. Thankfully, she chose the latter and not only started laughing hysterically with me but also started nibbling on the celery stick.
Kids, man. You gotta watch your backs with them.
WHO SAID THE HOMELESS HAVE NO STYLE?
As I left my apartment yesterday, I noticed that the crazy guy who sleeps outside my building and pees on my doorstep every day was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Get a job!" Since I actually do have a job and was already in a shitty mood, the irony of his wardrobe selection was lost on me.
However, it did remind me of a funny story.
In college at Berkeley, I lived near a sorority. One day, when my buddy Jose and I were hanging out smoking a joint, the UPS guy asked me if I could sign for some packages that had been shipped to the sorority. Sure, I said. No problem. As it turns out, he was delivering three enormous boxes filled with sorority sweatshirts that the girls had ordered.
As soon as we signed for the sweatshirts, Jose and I decided we were going to give them away to people who really needed them. We jumped in my car and drove down to People's Park, the once-legendary location of 1960's social activism that has now denigrated into a magnet for drug deals and homeless people. Over the course of one hour, Jose and I probably gave away more than 200 sweatshirts to various homeless people.
You have no idea how awesome and hilarious it was to see all these crazy-looking people who hadn't showered in months wearing these brand-new bright pink Kappa Kappa Gamma sweatshirts as they strolled up and down Telegraph Avenue.
Who said you can't do good and do well at the same time?
MY 5 FAVORITE POLITICAL QUOTES OF 2006 (THESE ARE OUR LEADERS?)
(1) "Are you really going to ask me that question with shades on?"- President Bush to legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten.
(2) "Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How can they even tell the difference? They all look the same to me."- Senator Trent Lott (R-MI.)
(3) "I enjoy cocaine because it's a fun thing to do. I enjoy the company of prostitutes for the same reason. If you combine the two together it's probably even more fun." --Rep. Robert Wexler (D-Fla.)
(4) "Don't worry. I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops." -Sen. George Allen (R-VA), on his Jewish heritage.
(5) "She's either Puerto Rican, or the same thing as Cuban, I mean they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it." --Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia.
CONVERSATIONS FROM THE CONCRETE JUNGLE
As I was disembarking from the 2 train this morning, I ended up accidentally bumping into a rather large and intimidating black man. With a look of sheer disgust on his face, he turned to me and said, "Fucking idiot! Go back to China!" Already surly and in a crappy mood, I snapped back at him, "Fuck you! Go back to Africa!"
Usually in New York, that's the end of the conversation. The two participants have spoken their minds, talked a little smack, and moved on with their busy lives.
Unfortunately, at this point, my fellow commuter decided to break the social contract and proceeded to take a step in my direction as if he were intending to inflict bodily harm. Coming at me rather quickly, he got all up in my face and retorted, "Fuck you, asshole! I was born in the motherfucking Bronx!"
He was so angry that spittle started dripping off his chin. It almost looked like he was foaming at the mouth. Obviously, the rational move would have been to defuse the situation by simply walking away. However, racial insults are my Achilles heel and the "go back to China" comment was still making my blood boil.
So I decided to stand my ground and snapped back at him, "Fuck YOU! I was born in motherfucking Queens!"
Apparently, this was just the icebreaker that our relationship needed because, at that point, we just stopped and stared at each other with bemused looks on our faces. Then, with a huge smile breaking out on his face, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah? Well, the Mets fucking suck!"
I, in a likewise fashion, retorted, "Yeah? Well, the Yankees can suck my dick!"
With that banter of jolly repartee, we repaired the social contract between us by turning away from each other and exiting from the station.
God, I love this city! Is this the greatest place in the world or what? Where else can you interact with your brethren like that?
And where else can you leave the office to grab lunch and see 500 Santas descending on Bryant Park?
Happy holidays to all of you and your families. May 2007 bring you and your loved ones a year filled with love, health, and happiness. For those of you with loved ones serving in the armed forces overseas, our thoughts and prayers are with you. For those of you traveling this holiday season, we wish you a safe journey. As always, let's take the time to remember how much we have to be thankful for.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love,
MetroDad, BossLady & the Peanut
Metro, the blue state of Michigan (abbreviation MI) does not claim Trent Lott. I think he's from MO or MS or one of those states that don't have a hot Democratic woman as governor.
Otherwise, Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Chris | December 22, 2006 at 12:01 PM
Merry Christmas to you too. Hope the sand is tasty in Palm Beach.
Posted by: AlieMalie | December 22, 2006 at 12:01 PM
My bad, Chris! I have a mental block when it comes to abbreviating states. (Is Arkansas "AR" or "AK"? Shouldn't Arizona be "AR"? Or are they "AZ"? What about Alaska and Alabama?)
FYI...Trent Lott is from Mississippi (MS)
Posted by: METRODAD | December 22, 2006 at 12:12 PM
That pic of all those Santas is hilarious! Good for you on getting back in that guy's face, MD, that's some good comebacks. I, unfortunately, am not always so quick witted. That was pretty funny on both your parts!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, Boss Lady and the Peanut! Have a great one!
Posted by: Leeny | December 22, 2006 at 12:35 PM
No sweat, dude! After the parents conk out, you can slip out the door to the all night Krystal. I was amazed to encounter one the other day that actually had free wireless internet. What next, Krispy Kremes at the Ritz-Carlton?
Posted by: JJ Daddy-O | December 22, 2006 at 01:02 PM
Re: Dc -- No wonder we never met. You were at the LoC while I was passed out in a corner at Chief Ike's Mambo Room.
Re: Jennifer Anniston and K-Fed -- SHUT. UP. (seriously?)
Re: Terrible Twos -- we had our first lose-his-shit meltdown last night. it was only funny for the first 25 minutes.
Merry Merry to you and yours! Safe travels! i hope we all get what we want this year!'
xo
xio
Posted by: Xdm | December 22, 2006 at 01:04 PM
Yeah, only in New York could you have had that exchange in the subway. Had the man told me go back to Ireland, I would have taken a lesson from your testosterone-fueled banker lunch and slugged the guy. How you folks can scream at each other and not let the fur fly, I'll never understand. In fact, if I even hear the term "carrot top" off in the distance, my fists automatically clench up...
Have fun in FLA - but keep in mind, they can't make pizza for shit down there so eat some before you leave.
Happy Holidays!
Posted by: L.A. Daddy | December 22, 2006 at 01:12 PM
Merry Christmas Metrodad, Bosslady, and Peanut! Thanks for all the laughs and we look forward to more in the coming year. =)
Posted by: Nina | December 22, 2006 at 01:13 PM
Merry Chrisnukah MD, BL, and Peanut! Have fun in Floriday. And dude, one word: dialup! Apparently it's still around and usually free from your normal ISP. Who knew? My bosses did, I took a few days off and told them I had no internet but they called me anyway and informed me I could use dialup. May you never have bosses who suck.
Posted by: honglien123 | December 22, 2006 at 01:18 PM
MD, you can get away with that macho, in your face attitude because you're a freaking giant.
Us little people have to clever and quick. Jab and move. Jab and move.
I'm a runner, not a fighter.
Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Matthew | December 22, 2006 at 01:26 PM
You're definitely my kind of nerd, MD. Thanks for keeping me entertained all year with your off-beat sense of humor. Happy holidays!
Posted by: Allison | December 22, 2006 at 01:43 PM
The other day, I caught the daughter on the phone pretending to order in Chinese food. Can you guess how much cooking is done in our house?
Posted by: A.Tsai | December 22, 2006 at 01:44 PM
I only wish we had a baseball team worth yelling about down here.
Merry Holidays to all y'all too.
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | December 22, 2006 at 01:56 PM
Good thing Chris caught it first. I was going to have to give you crap about attributing Lott to Michigan and making us look bad up here.
Posted by: Jessie | December 22, 2006 at 01:57 PM
I had NO IDEA about Jennifer and K-Fed. It's too early to know information like that! AHHHH!!!!!!
I hope you have fun in FLA. Good luck if the Peanut throws a tantrum about the wrong grain of sand. Bring the Scotch.
Merry Christmas!
Posted by: samantha Jo Campen | December 22, 2006 at 01:57 PM
YAAAAYYY!!!! I made your top 5 list. Thank you. By the way, if you saw her, you would have said the same thing. She did have super hot latin blood.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
http://www.arnoldspeaks.com
Posted by: Arnold Schwarzenegger | December 22, 2006 at 02:37 PM
Merry Christmas and many wishes for a safe journey to and from FL. You'll need it with a 2yo.
Although, if you can take on a large Black Bronxian man, I have no doubts you can take on a population of gray haired Jewish octegenarians. Luck!
Posted by: Kymba | December 22, 2006 at 02:45 PM
Merry Christmas Metrodad, Bosslady, and Peanut!
From Alice, KingofHearts and The Dormouse!
Posted by: NG | December 22, 2006 at 02:46 PM
You really are like the coolest nerd in the world, MD. I love your Chaos Theory posts. More in 2007 please!
Best holiday wishes to you, BL & Peanut. Travel safely to FL!
Posted by: leora | December 22, 2006 at 03:26 PM
Shit like that makes me wanna live in NYC. Fuckin' awesome.
And the fake tantrum? Classic. Well played for spotting the rouse.
Happy holidays dude! Have fun in FL.
Posted by: Jonathon | December 22, 2006 at 03:47 PM
Just out of curiousity, how is the new Phillip Roth book? Is it worth reading?
Posted by: wordphreak | December 22, 2006 at 04:06 PM
merry christmas MD. best wishes to you and everyone you love.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Posted by: ray lee | December 22, 2006 at 04:16 PM
Thanks for the good wishes and boatload of chuckles. I loved reading about your encounter with the African American man. Have a great stay in my homestate. Just for you, the forecast is for thunderstorms (at least in central Florida).
Posted by: Wendy Boucher | December 22, 2006 at 04:40 PM
Seriously awesome. Long time lurker, had to share your post with my fiance, might have now turned him into a blog reader. Gasp!
Posted by: Oana | December 22, 2006 at 06:17 PM
I am nodding and smiling at every single one of these gems and all I can say is you just offially solidified my blogcrush on you.
Posted by: Mom101 | December 22, 2006 at 07:55 PM
PS Duh...merry xmas! Enjoy Flooooooorida
Posted by: Mom101 | December 22, 2006 at 07:56 PM
This post reminds me why I love NYC so much — intensity! And your politician quotation list is hilarious and truly horrifying — a true representation of our current U.S. leadership (unfortunately — sheesh!).
Safe travels and have fun in sunny FL! Merry Christmas to you, BossLady and the Peanut. :)
Posted by: KG | December 22, 2006 at 09:44 PM
You have serious cojones. Seriously amazed.
Merry Christmas and glad you're not spending it at the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the NJ Turnpike as feared.
Posted by: KC | December 22, 2006 at 10:10 PM
This was awesome, MD. I love your Chaos Theory posts. Best wishes to you, BossLady, and the Peanut. Travel safe!
Posted by: Leslie | December 22, 2006 at 10:15 PM
Totally unrelated --
I just learned how to say "Your fly is open:"
Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
Happy New Year, MD!
Bis vivit qui bene vivit!
Posted by: L. | December 22, 2006 at 10:55 PM
Happy holidays! Have fun in Florida.
Posted by: Chag | December 22, 2006 at 11:15 PM
Merry Christmas, MD, Boss Lady and Peanut. Have a great holiday!
Posted by: misfithausfrau | December 23, 2006 at 03:17 AM
Happy Holidays to you and yours!
It is funny to read about how you are raising someone just like yourself!
I think they call that Grandparent's Revenge!
God is truly a comedian!
Posted by: LeeMarvin | December 23, 2006 at 10:43 AM
This post was long ... but totally worth it!
There is something very wrong about lights on palm trees ... that is just wrong ... so is being in an outdoor pool at in the middle of the night in winter (actually, that's pretty cool) ... but palm tree lights are still just wrong.
Posted by: Airwick | December 23, 2006 at 11:28 AM
I'm with you, MD. 2007 will be a great year if the Yankees Evil Empire doesn't win another world series. Go Sox!
Posted by: Papa Sox | December 23, 2006 at 12:49 PM
I read this post yesterday, MD, but I had to return to say that we just walked in on our 4 year old daughter "pretend talking" on the phone. She was imitating me talking to MY mother! (Mmhmm, yeah mom. Sure, mom. Ok, mom. OKAY!)
The hubs was practically crying from laughing so hard.
Posted by: janet | December 23, 2006 at 01:25 PM
I love your Chaos posts.
Happy holidays to you!
Julie
Posted by: metro mama | December 23, 2006 at 03:28 PM
Re, the geek part...
I can see my daughter being like that after college (only she'd probably be reading the dictionary in the same room as her friend while talking to her friend, because she is also quite horribly social)
She requested, multiple times (partially I'm sure because she realized I found it funny), for a pocket dictionary and a pocket atlas for Christmas. We threw in a pocket constellation guide to go with them, as a surprise.
Posted by: navi | December 23, 2006 at 05:05 PM
Oh thank you, MetroDad, for being the first person I've seen on the internet to spell "throes" correctly! Thank you! Christams is totally made now!
Posted by: kittenpie | December 23, 2006 at 11:54 PM
oh jeepers, I would have a typo in that. *shaking my head in shame*
Posted by: kittenpie | December 23, 2006 at 11:55 PM
re: concrete jungle. MD, this gets to the heart of the left coast vs right coast thing. Only in NYC would that exchange be described as anything but verbal harassment bordering on abuse. Peace out, mensch! It's better for the blood pressure. Happy Holidays and pleasant weather to you and yours.
Posted by: R2Dad | December 24, 2006 at 12:11 AM
microfiche? impressive! :) Happy holidays to you and your family.
Posted by: Superha | December 24, 2006 at 04:35 AM
love your writing, your meet up at the train is perfect (tis the season) may you and your family have a merry christmas.
Posted by: Rhea | December 25, 2006 at 02:34 AM
That was effing amazing, as usual. :o)
Posted by: ladyjay | December 26, 2006 at 10:09 AM
Wait... guys EVER have to wait in line for the loo??? Thought that was an indignity visited only upon us girls... So, now you know what a drag it is! Bet the women's room line was three times as long that day too. :-)
I think you need to write the "you and the hulking black guy talking NYC trash at each other" for some TV show, man!
Posted by: catching it all | December 26, 2006 at 11:45 AM
I just found the link to your blog on Blogging Baby. You are hilarious. I have been literally laughing out loud for 15 minutes. LOVE the Christmas pictures from this and last year.
Posted by: Ginny | December 27, 2006 at 09:36 AM
Where are you, mate? I need my fix of new MetroDad writing. Hope you had a merry Christmas!
Posted by: Ian | December 27, 2006 at 08:40 PM
You're my kind of nerd, MD! Happy holidays.
Posted by: eileen | December 27, 2006 at 10:09 PM
LOL, loved every one of them, thanks.
Good job diffusing Peanut! Learning that trick will save you much grief.
You and Andrew sound pretty normal to me :)
Posted by: momto3cubs | December 28, 2006 at 12:27 AM
Just found you via BB and have spent the past few hours reading your archives. You can't imagine how surprised (and glad) I was to see that you're a fellow KA. I'm now a huge fan and am looking forward to coming back here. I hope you and your family had a wonderful holiday!
Posted by: K-Mom | December 28, 2006 at 12:42 AM