Elmo: The Proust Questionnaire

On Saturday night, I was at TenJune, NYC's latest hip celebrity hangout.  During the evening, I came across none other than Sesame Street's own Elmo, drunkenly stumbling out of a bathroom stall with Lindsay Lohan.  I tried to corner him for an interview but his handlers intervened.  However, he did agree to submit his answers to the infamous Proust Questionnaire, the personality test made famous by Vanity Fair magazine.  Although brief, Elmo's answers are revealing, demonstrating for the very first time not only his love for Latina women but also his long-simmering hatred of Kermit the Frog, the high costs of fame and his plans for the future. 

I now bring you the following MetroDad exclusive:

What is your most marked characteristic?
These fucking googly eyes, man.  I've been to every top opthalmologic surgeon on Park Avenue and they all say that there's nothing that can be done about them.  C'est la vie.   

What are your favorite names?
J.Lo, Maria, and Rosita.  What can I say, hermano?  Elmo likes his women like he likes his chicken...spicy!

What is your motto?
Elmo's gotta do what Elmo's gotta do.   

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Richard Milhous Nixon.

Which living person do you most admire?
Alf.  Dude lives like a king off his residuals and he hasn't worked in years.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Bling, man.  I practically sign my paychecks over to Jacob the Jeweler.  My favorite piece is this gold and diamond necklace that spells out "TMX."  The ladies in the clubs love it.   

Which living person do you most despise?
I don't want to name names but he's green and he looks like a fucking frog.

What is your greatest fear?
Three words: celebrity. sex. tape.

What is your greatest regret?
Getting high in the recording studio during the taping of "Potty Time."  I really screwed up that one.  Thank God for good P.R.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A world without frogs.

On what occasion do you lie?
Every day when I'm on the set, man.  I'm 23 years old.  You really think my best friend is a fucking goldfish? 

What is your current state of mind?
Anxious.  My Sesame Street contract ends next year.  Elmo's headed out to L.A. for pilot season and he's got a couple of film projects on the back burner.  The next few years are "make or break" for Elmo.

What do you consider your most overrated virtue?
My overt optimism. You've got to remember, man, I'm just playing a role.  You really think anyone is this cheerful ALL THE TIME?  The only one on set who's constantly happy is Big Bird and that's because those bird seed milkshakes are really Prozac/Oxycontin cocktails.  Seriously, go back and look at tapes from a few years ago.  The dude was depressed constantly.  Now, he's Mr. Peppy!

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That they weren't such a motley crew of free-loading sycophants.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Public appearances with various charities and testifying before Congress.  I have to do a certain amount of them each year. It's all included in my contract.  That's why I had to fire Ovitz and leave CAA. 

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Seriously, who do I need to blow in order to get a cup of coffee around here?"

Who are your heroes in real life?
Jay-Z, Kanye, and Condi.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Rosie O'Donnell.  I won't go into details but there's a reason I was booked on her show 14 times. 

What is your most treasured possession?
An autographed copy of "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids."

When and where were you happiest?
Before the show hit it big, Grover, Oscar and I would spend endless nights partying and cruising the city for women.  If we didn't get lucky, we'd usually end up at some obscure after-hours club.  Now when I go out, I need an entire fucking entourage, man.  Plus, the paparazzi are everywhere now.  I miss the old days.

Where would you like to live?
Vila Sésamo, hombre. Comprende?

Which talent would you most like to have?
A baritone singing voice.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Salma Hayek's panties.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Discretion.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Badonkadonk.

Who are your favorite writers?
Hunter Thompson, William S. Burroughs, and Jack Kerouac.  Been reading a lot of Hemingway lately too.  For those of you who've never read Hemingway, let me sum it up for you: men are men, women are women, drinking is good, lions are dangerous.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jay Gatsby, Playa-at-Large. 

How would you like to die?
Like Fat Elvis, man.  Long live the King!

Postscript:  Elmo wants you to tune in for a special blog talk radio show from 10-11pm EST on Tuesday, November 14.  Elmo's good friend Kristen will be talking about clueless husbands, feminist parenting, and racy girls toys. Elmo likes girls toys.  Elmo uses them all the time!

Comments

[Lunasea]

Wow, so Elmo doesn't speak in the third person in real life? Lunasea is soooo relieved.

[OTRgirl]

I cracked up at the Hemingway summary. Oscar, Grover and Elmo cruising the town--Sesame Street will never be the same. Did you start the Bert and Ernie rumors, too?

[Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom]

I could just picture it all too.

Excellent interview MD!

[leora]

Hilarious, MD. Thanks for helping me start the week with a smile on my face.

[Matthew]

Further reason for why that red furry bastard is "persona non grata" in my house.

Although he does have good taste in women.

[William]

Very Clever. A baritone singing voice That would be my wish for him as well.

[Kemp]

Nice...

Funny. As. Hell.

[Waya]

I used to hate that little red furry guy, but now you put a different spin to him. And I like him much better now! So edgy and BAD! Now, does Peanut know this different side of Elmo?

[teri]

That, my friend, was FABULOUS.

You are one talented man!

[Jonathon]

When Elmo goes down, he's gonna fall hard.

Bitch never saw it comin'.

[jiveturkey]

read the tragedy that is grover here:

http://www.zeroboutique.com/grover/index.htm

damn.

[METRODAD]

jiveturkey...that is AWESOME! I love the part where he talks about being approached by a bohemian gay couple who asks if he might want to audition for a TV show they were throwing together...a little project tentatively called "Sesame Street".

Someone just sent me this one. It's a hilarious National Lampoon spoof titled "Sesame Street: The Unauthorized Oral History. Chapter 3 (C is for Cocaine.)"

[Michael]

I just KNEW Elmo wasn't that cheerful in real life! But who knew he was such a rager?

[Linda]

I love you for this, MetroDad! As a longtime reader of Vanity Fair, I've always been a tad obsessed with the Proust Questionnaire. Seeing it completed by none other than Elmo totally made my day. Thanks!

[AlieMalie]

haha.

I so needed those laughs. Thanks MD.

[Emily of Redwhineandboo]

MD I just love the way your mind works.

[creative type dad]

That's great!!

If Todd Bridges ever reads this, he'll start crying

[Pattie]

Classic! This is hysterical--and, surprisingly, it's not just the painkillers talking. :)

[Brent]

F*cking brilliant, MD. Finally, someone has exposed the seamy underside of Elmo.

[Mama Nabi]

Great... now I'm going to have dirty thoughts every time LN snuggles up with Elmo.

[Mike]

I'm afraid for you.

I don't want you to get sued by Children's Television Workshop, the Jim Henson Corp, or the Center for Public Broadcasting.

Neither do I want you to get beat up by the ginormous black man who actually plays Elmo. What? Yes, Elmo is fisted by a large black man.

[mamazilla]

dude! don't diss the frog! that's just cold...

;)

[Melissa]

I love it. Dude, did you get an autograph for the Peanut?

Next time you see him, since you're all buddy, buddy now ask him what the fuck happened to Snuffy. Inquiring minds want to know.

[JB]

I am so damn sick of Elmo these days that I think if I ever saw him in a club, I'd beat the crap out of him.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

My friend, only you. Hemingway, Salma Hayek's panties and Jay Gatsby, Playa-at-Large. All the elements of a party I'd be sad I missed.

Because I'm a nerd and retain bits and pieces of info that are only useful when around other nerds at particularly dull parties, you might like to know (if you didn't already) that Proust translated a work titled "Sesame and Lilies" by John Ruskin. So Elmo was a very apt selection for a Proust Questionnaire.

Dammit, Jeopardy, why haven't you called yet! Khan! Khaaaaannnnnnn!

[Melanie]

OMG...I thought the "O'Reilly Factor for Kids" was a joke until I googled it. Holy cow! The fact that he has a book out for kids is so disturbing.

[JJ Daddy-O]

Yo, I think I saw this brother face-down in the men's room at CBGB when they closed that place.
He was up in the front row talkin' some shit about Patty Smith's skinny ass and how she needed to shave her pits and spilling his bottle of Hurricane on Tom Verlaine.
Last I saw, Chris Stein was mopping the floor with Elmo's furry face while Debbie Harry was kicking his ass with pink stilettos.
Monster needs to know his limitations.

[How About Two?]

Have you heard from Elmo's 'people' yet?

[Angela]

I knew Elmo liked hispanic women. I always see him paying extra special attention to Rosita when she's doing the Spanish Word of the Day!

[CroutonBoy]

Best use of badonkadonk I've seen in months.

[Anne Glamore]

Too clever! And I got an extra Proust questionnaire this month! Unbelievable.

[s@bd]

forget Elmo, man.
I'm in LOVE with you.
(full-on talent-crush. what can I say?)

[momto3cubs]

I used to hate Elmo, but now, with this interview in mind, I can smile next time he appears on my TV.

[landismom]

My god, what twisted planet did you come from, man?

[Kyran]

nah, I'm not buying it. the machismo--it's like the NJ governor trying to get photographed in strip clubs to prove his masculinity. 'Mo's got some issues.

[abba-daddy]

"drinking is good, lions are dangerous" - fabulous

I love the way you write

[Fiona]

Ah, man, that was priceless! How the hell do you come up with these things?! But thanks for sharing :)

[Jenny]

I love how your twisted little mind works, MD. Thanks for cracking me up this morning.

[Desiree]

I never knew of the Kermit rivalry, but then, I have always been a firm green backer, I quite dislike Elmo.

[JGS]

I don't know if you listen to Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me on NPR, but Kevin Clash and Elmo were really interviewed (not to say you didn't interview him here, of course) and it was pretty damn funny and ridiculously amazing how quickly he could switch back between his voice and Elmo's voice (not that Elmo isn't real, I mean).
http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=35&prgDate=09-30-2006&view=storyview

[Kara]

Too late... Elmo's sex tape is out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nBPrMEzm5A

[kittenpie]

Gah! So glad I don't watch Elmo's world after this!

[Wendy Boucher]

Excellent, Elmo. Thanks for sharing dude. I needed the laugh.

[Her Bad Mother]

That I was hearing this in Elmo's voice either demonstrates that you are a gifted writer, or that I am seriously bent. Or both. I'll go for both.

[Stacy]

You are so completely going to hell.

[zygote daddy]

Ok, Elmo. A world without frogs? It's on, motherfucker.

[Melinda]

This is soo funny, MD. I love your writing and sense of humor.

[Kristen]

"I don't want to name names but he's green and he looks like a fucking frog."

It was at this point that I let out a hearty guffaw. Thanks, MD. I needed that.

[Ritardo]

I think the googalee eyes are secondary to his hyperthyroidism condition.

[misfithausfrau]

Fabulous! I can only hope that you are able to get an exclusive with Cookie Monster. I am CERTAIN he has a lot to say since he has now changed his tune about cookies and now claims to loves vegetables and shit. You KNOW he's pissed that he has to say thse lies in order to keep his job.