5-1, I guess she really is my daughter

THE MAIN REASON WHY I SOMETIMES SUSPECT THAT I'M NOT THE PEANUT'S REAL FATHER

The drama! Good Lord, THE DRAMA! 

As most of you know, I'm a pretty mellow guy who believes that there are very few things in life worth freaking out about.  Therefore, I'm willing to give my daughter the benefit of the doubt because she is, after all, only two years old.  However, lately, she's been acting very diva-ish, a development that I like to blame on Tyra Banks.  (I'm kidding, of course. The kid much prefers watching Jerry Springer.) 

But really, in all seriousness, we're at a point where everything with my daughter has to be done in a very particular way and it's rapidly becoming apparent that I have no freaking idea what that way is. Today, she threw a total hissy fit and broke down in tears because I had the gall to put green socks on her feet instead of brown.  Bad daddy, bad!

FIVE WAYS IN WHICH MY DAUGHTER IS DEFINITELY RELATED TO ME

1.  My stomach and I have a rather tenuous relationship.  Maybe it's from all the scotch and spicy food but my doctor thinks I'm probably suffering from IBD or colitis (OK, not a REAL doctor. I don't go to those. When I say "doctor," I really mean WebMD.) As part of my self-diagnosis, I sometimes take fiber pills throughout the day, a ritual that often leads to periods of flatulence. Basically, I can get downright farty at times.  My daughter, I would venture to guess, probably farts more than any two-year-old on the entire planet.  Seriously, she blows gas like a bean-eating 75-year-old lactose-intolerant truck driver.  It's completely awesome and I plan on recording it sometime in the future so I can play it back for her dates when they come by to pick her up. 

2.  My beautiful wife good-naturedly chides me for my gift of gab but it's true. For a cynically jaded New Yorker, I'm genuinely interested in other peoples' lives and will often talk to complete strangers for hours.  It seems as though my young daughter is becoming quite the conversationalist herself.  Unfortunately, she hasn't figured it all out yet.  Last week, I caught her having some jovially long-winded discussions with (a) some flowers, (b) the dog, and (c) a sandwich.  Let me tell you something, my friends.  There are very few things cuter in this world than hearing your daughter cheerfully say, "Hi, sandwich!  Sit down! I eat!"

3. One of the reasons I quit smoking pot was because I found myself developing some strange form of OCD.  After each hit, I would immediately have to go clean my hands and wash my face. I'm noticing a similar pattern emerge with the Peanut.  When she first started feeding herself, she'd usually finish dinner with her face and body completely covered in food.  Now, she insists on having both her hands and mouth wiped clean after EACH AND EVERY BITE!  If even a single morsel of food gets on her delicate fingers, she immediately looks at me, holds out her hand, and says, "WIPE!"  It's official.  I am now my daughter's personal valet. 

4. Despite my innate and well-documented love of television, I was one of those annoying parents who never let his child watch a second of television until she was 18 months old.  You know, the whole "studies have shown..." blah, blah, blah.  However, what those studies failed to show was the fact that a freakish love of television is apparently embedded in one's DNA.  For my daughter, TV was like love at first sight.  Every night after dinner, she turns to the BossLady and says, "TV now, mama? TV ok?"  Which is funny because that's exactly what I say to the BossLady after dinner. 

5. Speaking of dinner...my daughter and I both eat food like we're in prison.  We crouch over our meals and inhale them as quickly as possible in case some big guy named Ben Dover comes over and shivs us for our applesauce.  We sometimes even use our utensils to guard our plates.  No way we're giving up our chow to any of our fellow inmates unless we get some cigarettes or prison wine in return! 

By the way, did you know that Martha Stewart's prison name was "M. Diddy?"  It's true.  I read it in Vanity Fair upon her release from the big house.  My favorite quote from the article was when she was talking about jail: ""I hate lockdown. It's just hideous."  Unfortunately, they didn't have any quotes from M.Diddy about what it was like to be thrown in the hole and peed on.  Too bad.

By the way, I just googled the term "prison nicknames" and I found this awesome Prison Bitch Name Generator.  Mine's B.F. Goodlick.  What's yours?

Comments

[Kyran]

My thirty-month old son and your two-year old daughter sound made for each other, in the way that spoiled children of the European peerage are made for each other. It would require a large personal staff to make it work. Has she got an eharmony profile yet?

In my son's defense, I will say he has taken to telling me "Dank you" when I wipe his ass. That takes a certain amount of class, don't you agree?

Thanks for the G.A. confession. My burden is perceptibly lighter.

[NG]

When I read this, I thought to myself "How funny, she talks to sandwiches" and then a couple of hourse later caught my own daughter saying, "Hello leaves, I'm going to jump on you now."

[Queen of Ass]

Mine's "Ankle Grabber."

*snicker*

[Jeremy]

Our son just entered that phase where he is repulsed if any food, dirt or grease gets on his hands. You think I should get him a pair of those dainty white gloves that you see rich people eat with in the movies?

Yours truly,
Fruit Loop

[Velma]

It looks like I'm the only Fuck Stick around!

[samantha Jo Campen]

I might be your daughter too, then.

Whoops.

[Lisa B]

I think my mom is your bio mom and that your daughter is her bio granddaughter.

Just sign me - butt muncher.

[Jillian]

My prison name is Bruce. What the heck does that mean?

[Kristen]

Jillian, my prison name is Bruce, too. When I put my maiden name in, though, it's Fist Fucker. I think that's the most profoundly grotesque one I've seen so far.

Figures.

Oh, and MD - as for the Peanut's talkative talkiness, let's remember if we ever introduce her to Bryce, to bring ear plugs. And lots of alcohol. Because oh my god. I don't think they'll ever shut up.

[Mitch McDad]

Fruit Loop here. That can't be a good thing.

[metro mama]

You make me laugh!

Signed,

Queer Johnny

[Jimmy]

I think our daughters may have been separated at birth. We're going through the same exact phase right now (esp. the farting!)

Sincerely,
The One-Eyed Ogre

[Mike]

My PB name: Hung Like a Horse

Yeah, baby!
Does that make you horny baby?

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

"Ass Master"

But(t) I could have told you that!

Bu-du-bum...

[JK]

OMG...my prison name is Count Suckula. That's hilarious!

[L.]

Okay, I just put in my married name, and got "Ben Dover."

Will the next name generated be, "Phil McCrevass?"

You know, the gay Scottish twins...?

[mrsmogul]

I was never a pot person but regarding M Diddy...I DID NOT KNOW THAT! Now I want to crash her show in the studio and yell out from the audince and say " HEY M DIDDY! Make me a pie!!"

[landismom]

Yes, I made the Potato cry the other day by opening the wrong door to his daycare. It's good to know I'll have company in the Crappy Parents Nursing Home.

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[Jack]

The MOmmy moment theme white is exaclty matching up with your daughter's course and uniform. Galing my college ka na ang layo na ng milestones mo as a mom. Cheers for that!supermommyjem recently posted..

[Jena]

I think you are doing more then your fair share to be a great husband and faehtr. If even half the guys in the world would follow your example this would bring happiness to a lot of unhappy women out there.I suggest at this point you need to confront your wife. Say that this situation cannot go on any longer. You have your green card, you are a citizen, I assume. So now, You can tell your wife that either you go to marriage counseling and try to fix this or you are filling for divorce. Your daughter will survive, it's not the end of the world. If children survived the holocaust in Germany and grew up to be accomplished Doctors, lawyers and business people, not to mention that more then half of marriages end up in divorce. So what? You are still her faehtr and always will be so. You cannot live in an unhappy marriage, because it will end badly anyway. If your wife is unwilling to fix this, You have to think of your and your daughter's future happiness. It's going to be difficult, but better to do in now then live a lifetime of misery. Be brave, and good luck.

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