5-1, I guess she really is my daughter

THE MAIN REASON WHY I SOMETIMES SUSPECT THAT I'M NOT THE PEANUT'S REAL FATHER

The drama! Good Lord, THE DRAMA! 

As most of you know, I'm a pretty mellow guy who believes that there are very few things in life worth freaking out about.  Therefore, I'm willing to give my daughter the benefit of the doubt because she is, after all, only two years old.  However, lately, she's been acting very diva-ish, a development that I like to blame on Tyra Banks.  (I'm kidding, of course. The kid much prefers watching Jerry Springer.) 

But really, in all seriousness, we're at a point where everything with my daughter has to be done in a very particular way and it's rapidly becoming apparent that I have no freaking idea what that way is. Today, she threw a total hissy fit and broke down in tears because I had the gall to put green socks on her feet instead of brown.  Bad daddy, bad!

FIVE WAYS IN WHICH MY DAUGHTER IS DEFINITELY RELATED TO ME

1.  My stomach and I have a rather tenuous relationship.  Maybe it's from all the scotch and spicy food but my doctor thinks I'm probably suffering from IBD or colitis (OK, not a REAL doctor. I don't go to those. When I say "doctor," I really mean WebMD.) As part of my self-diagnosis, I sometimes take fiber pills throughout the day, a ritual that often leads to periods of flatulence. Basically, I can get downright farty at times.  My daughter, I would venture to guess, probably farts more than any two-year-old on the entire planet.  Seriously, she blows gas like a bean-eating 75-year-old lactose-intolerant truck driver.  It's completely awesome and I plan on recording it sometime in the future so I can play it back for her dates when they come by to pick her up. 

2.  My beautiful wife good-naturedly chides me for my gift of gab but it's true. For a cynically jaded New Yorker, I'm genuinely interested in other peoples' lives and will often talk to complete strangers for hours.  It seems as though my young daughter is becoming quite the conversationalist herself.  Unfortunately, she hasn't figured it all out yet.  Last week, I caught her having some jovially long-winded discussions with (a) some flowers, (b) the dog, and (c) a sandwich.  Let me tell you something, my friends.  There are very few things cuter in this world than hearing your daughter cheerfully say, "Hi, sandwich!  Sit down! I eat!"

3. One of the reasons I quit smoking pot was because I found myself developing some strange form of OCD.  After each hit, I would immediately have to go clean my hands and wash my face. I'm noticing a similar pattern emerge with the Peanut.  When she first started feeding herself, she'd usually finish dinner with her face and body completely covered in food.  Now, she insists on having both her hands and mouth wiped clean after EACH AND EVERY BITE!  If even a single morsel of food gets on her delicate fingers, she immediately looks at me, holds out her hand, and says, "WIPE!"  It's official.  I am now my daughter's personal valet. 

4. Despite my innate and well-documented love of television, I was one of those annoying parents who never let his child watch a second of television until she was 18 months old.  You know, the whole "studies have shown..." blah, blah, blah.  However, what those studies failed to show was the fact that a freakish love of television is apparently embedded in one's DNA.  For my daughter, TV was like love at first sight.  Every night after dinner, she turns to the BossLady and says, "TV now, mama? TV ok?"  Which is funny because that's exactly what I say to the BossLady after dinner. 

5. Speaking of dinner...my daughter and I both eat food like we're in prison.  We crouch over our meals and inhale them as quickly as possible in case some big guy named Ben Dover comes over and shivs us for our applesauce.  We sometimes even use our utensils to guard our plates.  No way we're giving up our chow to any of our fellow inmates unless we get some cigarettes or prison wine in return! 

By the way, did you know that Martha Stewart's prison name was "M. Diddy?"  It's true.  I read it in Vanity Fair upon her release from the big house.  My favorite quote from the article was when she was talking about jail: ""I hate lockdown. It's just hideous."  Unfortunately, they didn't have any quotes from M.Diddy about what it was like to be thrown in the hole and peed on.  Too bad.

By the way, I just googled the term "prison nicknames" and I found this awesome Prison Bitch Name Generator.  Mine's B.F. Goodlick.  What's yours?

Comments

[Mommy de gallo]

Unfortunately for us all, the tie that binds my daughter and I together is our skank ass feet. How a 4 year old has feet as stinky as mine is a mystery.

And my prison name is
Howard Sperm. How nice.

[creative type dad]

That 'gas problem' sounds pretty cool to me.
I would take that on the road and make some college money on that one. I bet her future dates would enjoy that one.

Oh and that OCD while eating would drive me nuts. My daughter is the complete opposite, everything has to be on her face before eating it.

[IFLYG]

So since you & the Peanut eat dinner like you are prisoners, and you have to wipe her hands and mouth after each bite she takes - you are the Peanut's prison bitch. How cute!

[Pattie]

Gotta say, your "bean-eating 75-year-old lactose-intolerant truck driver" gave me the biggest laugh I've had all day. Rumsfeld's "resignation" aside.

And it turns out my prison name is Man Hole. Now, that's going to impress the husband.

[MetroDude]

My 4 year old is definitely mine. She is a smart ass like her dad.

When we told the little monkey that mommy was going to the doctor to check on the then baby in her tummy to make sure it was ok, my 4 year old turned to us without missing a beat and said "Does daddy have to go to the doctor to make sure the beer in his tummy is ok?"

Go Bears.

[Mom101]

Well based on this, I'm definitely not related to any of you with the exception of talking to anyone who will listen. Maybe not sandwiches, but definitely sandwich makers/sellers/fellow buyers

[Mom101]

Oh, and that last comment was from me: Turd Burglar.

[Mama Nabi]

From the first three, I'd have to say both LN and I might be related to you... then the 4th one goes to both PN and LN... 5th one, it's all PN - so we're all related... daddy? Oh, yeah, and my new name is Squeal Piglet.

[Emily of Redwhineandboo]

Mine's 3 Dollar Bill, I am not sure what to think about that.

[Melissa]

Mine is Famous Anus. LMAO.

The diva thing is most likely a two year old thing...then again Maya is almost 5 so I'd better think of a different reason. Maybe they're just born that way. TV rules our house right now. If I say do this or no shows tonight, I get complete compliance. It's almost scary really, but I'm going to milk it for as long as possible. If only I could figure out how to get my husband to do whatever I say so easily.

[enygma]

I recently learned that one way you can tell a student has been smoking pot (aside from the smell and the glassy stare) is when the student keeps bringing his/her fingers to his/her nose and sniffing them. Is that part of being OCD?

[Waya]

She's too cute! I think the Peanut and my bunch of kids (hubbie included) can have a farting contest. I mean talk about SBD (silent but deadly!)on your face while horseplaying! That's worse than the fire cracker ones.

There's a book called "The Napping House" by Don & Audrey Wood, I was contemplating writing a post about it (seriously) and change it to "The Farting House".

And as for my prison's name...I'm embarrassed just writing it down, ready? It's "butt whore". I'm so changing my name!

[Melissa]

That site is killing me, Hubby's prison name is Donkey Schlong.

[Hygiene Dad]

OMG, I went totally OCD after smoking too. My favorite thing to do was to smell those handiwipes after smoking. Proves yet again that the dope ain't good for you.

Moustache Girl.

[Rachel]

Glory Hole from GA here - NICE!! Be comforted to know that kids go through phases of HATING to get messy. It's cyclical so this too shall pass - only to come back again around Kindergarten. Also, the whole changing the rules about what's okay is common at this age too. It was only the red shirts for my daughter for weeks and then she changed the rules one day and didn't bother to tell me and proceeded to throw a fit because the new rule was BLUE shirts. Sheesh!

[Ian]

I had the same exact OCD issue with smoking pot too! It got to the point where I would sometimes smoke pot in the bathroom just so I was closer to the sink. I guess that's the definition of a stoner, huh?

Oh yeah...my prison bitch name is Fudge Sucker!

[honglien123]

Dude, what gives?! I feel cheated for I too am
Donkey Schlong. Hmm, and if I had one, wouldn't that be a compliment?

[Seth]

Greetings from your prison mate, Pony Boy!

[KC]

You mean it's not a normal toddler thing to sound like a tootin' truck driver? Because, JP and I have been stunned into silence by some of Joles' thirty-second long gaseous interludes. Must be from his side.

-Shit Eater

[J]

I love that she talks to her sandwich. SO CUTE. When my daughter was almost 2, we could get her to do anything we wanted, but our elbows would have to tell her. "Maya, it's time for your nap," I would say. "No, I'm not tired." she would say. "Nap Time for Maya!" the elbow would say, in a high voice and kind of wiggling..."Oh elbow, I love you. OK." she would say, then promptly lay down and go to sleep.

I wish that still worked.

[Lisa V.]

I laughed my ass off at the WebMD reference. My husband refuses to go to the doctor and is constantly diagnosing himself via WebMD. Let's see. In the past 6 months, I think he's contracted Lyme Disease, Legionnaires, Crohns, and Epstein Barr. I'm thinking of cutting off his internet access!

[Vampdaddy]

"Cream of Meat" is apparently my Prison Bitch Persona.

Yummy!

[Papa Bradstein]

B.F.--
When 3B let go with his first farts, we were sure he'd torn a hole in his diaper. The bonus is that I can blame anything I do on him, since his are often more impressive anyway. He also belches bigger than I do. Yeah, he's mine all right, and we know which parts to blame on me.
Sincerely,
Butt Blaster

[Jonathon]

Dude, I cracked up when I read about doing things "in a particular way". I feel like I never know when E's going to run out of the room whining, bury her head in the couch pillows and refuse to be spoken to.

Then, 5 seconds later, she's fine. As if it never happened.

[candace]

Way to make me snort with the asking for the tv from BossLady. Awesome.

My prison bitch name is: Cornholio. TP for my bunghole, indeed.

[Brent]

Awesome! My prison bitch name is Stroker!

[mrsfortune]

Studies show? Studies show what? About pre-18 month olds watching TV? Huh???? Oh man you are always reminding me how I suck as a parent. Ever think anyone would say that to you? Hahaha....

[Leora]

I love that age where kids talk to inanimate objects. I think it's the cutest thing. For some time, my daughter used to have long conversations with my umbrella. She'd even kiss it goodnight! I miss those days.

My prison bitch name is Butt Muncher.

[Corky]

Hmmmmm....and I though guarding and gobbling my food came from being from a large family...
Signed, Squealing Piglet

[Leo]

I caught my son talking to his thumb today. Maybe he was talking about the fact that his dad's prison nickname was "Scatmaster Jones."

[Mike]

Uh....you're surprised your Korean daughter is a diva and may have drama issues?

I mean....and this is the completely observant cynic in me, but....all Korean females are like that. i think something with having 2 X chromosomes triggers it.

Hmm....wanna take a stab at why I'm single?

[Tom N.]

Looking at ways numbers two and three, I'm thinking my daughter might also be related to you. You sure you're not Korean-Irish-American? :-)

[Sodom Insane]

TheMonk, like Peanut, guards his food very closely. However, he'll also try and sneak food off his sister's tray if she lets her guard down.

I think it would be funny to get Peanut and TheMonk together during lunch time and see what happens.

[margalit]

Hi, I'm Nut Buster and my kids are both really farty too. Love the vision of Peanut needing her hands wiped after each morsel pops into her mouth. Very OCD! Very Two!

[William]

OCD Melvin Udall comes to mind.

Hi MD.

[AdventureDad]

My son acts like Peanut with the hands and TV. Although i never did pot. We don't let him watch much TV but the children's programs at 6 pm every night over here are scary. Both entertaining and educational. And Daniel loves them.

My last observation is that you have way too much time on your hands if you Google "prison nicknames". :-)) My lame company won't even let me look at it, it's blocked.....

AD

[Bethiclaus]

Fruit Loop.

I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed.

[Gwen]

Delurking to say that my prison bitch name is George's Bush. I'm shamed.

[Peter]

Cum Stain here. I don't feel like last nights underpants.

[Maria]

I can't tell you how happy I was to read about the Peanut's flatulence. I thought our 2 y.o. daughter was some sort of freak. She farts louder than anyone I've ever heard and I've been embarassed to discuss it with anyone else. Now I guess I know that it's just normal. Phew! Thanks, MD.

Sincerely,
Hung Muther

[Shannon]

The farting! Too funny. My little guy has been a champion farter since the beginning, it is nice to see that he is in good company. Of course he gets it from me, sad to say. At least you don't blame him if someone rounds the corner right after letting one rip at the store. That one will only work until he is old enough to blame me right back.

As for the need to be clean , you could always do what we have done with our two year old son, and give him the napkin to wipe his hand and face with. Or not. He now has to have a clean napkin for each time he needs one, even if the last one hardly has a smudge on it. However, I did read in one toddler book that cleanliness like the Peanuts was an indication that she should be nearing readiness for potty training. So you can say that is a positive.

Think of T.V. as a bargaining chip, one which will work wonders for a misbehaving toddler.

Take care. From Glory Hole.

[Brian]

We just started letting our one year old watch TV and he is totally hooked. He sits there with a total dazed look on his face. My wife says that's what I look like when I watch television.

Signed, The Gerbil

[kittenpie]

Good god, I'm so sick of the drama right now, too. Yesterday I gave in and let her wear one purple and one blue sock because I didn't care enough to withstand the carrying on. This morning I took off her PJ bottoms, but apparently she was supposed to do that, so she had to put them bck on and then remove them herself before we could begin the undies battle. Thank goodness there are good days, too!

[Smarshy]

Hey - Just found your blog. I am also 35, I also have a 2 year old daughter, and she also freaks out for no discernable reason and needs her hands cleaned after every bite. "Washy washy" she says. But I'm in Boston, not NYC. We're trying to make baby #2, and it's a freaking nightmare.

[Bradley]

I just wanted to say that my prison bitch name is Squealing Piglet. I love it.

[L.]

Witholding TV from kids is child abuse -- glad you stopped, or I`d have to report you.

Signed, Tush Taster (..EWWWWW...)

[p-man]

Evidently L and I share the same given name and surname.

Yours,
Tush Taster
(Who Wants Seconds?!)

[sweatpantsmom]

Hey, mine is Tush Taster, too. I think that Prison Name Generator is whack.

P/S Better stop giving Peanut those hash brownies for her midmorning snack.

[Linda]

Woo hoo...I'm the Rump Ranger!

[NewbieDad]

That will be MR. SQUEALING PIGLET for you!