Quotalicious!

As many of you know, sleep and I have a somewhat tenuous relationship.  Whereas the Peanut tends to fall asleep by 7:30, BossLady usually starts getting yawny around 10:00 pm.  Hence, I usually have about 4 hours to myself every night, a time that I use to voraciously consume as much news, sports and pop culture before I vomit like a bulimic Chuck Klosterman.  Whether I've gorged on TV, the 50 magazines I subscribe to, or any of the 3 books that I tend to read simultaneously, I often come across some interesting quotes, both funny and serious, that I thought I'd share with all of you (along, of course, with my normal two-cent commentary.) 

''Mothers don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.''---Lynette on "Desperate Housewives."

When the Peanut was born, BossLady and I swore that we would never lie to her.  We wanted to have an open relationship with our daughter that would never be influenced by dishonesty or deception.  Unfortunately, the Terrible Twos are testing the limits of that commitment.  Right now, getting the Peanut into her stroller is like wrestling a penguin into a dress.  It's virtually fucking impossible.  Last week, in a moment of weakness, I turned to the Peanut and said, "C'mon, kid, just jump in the stroller. Elmo's downstairs waiting for us."  However, the lovely BossLady informed me that false promises of furry red monsters technically constitute a lie so I'd better start coming up with some new tricks. 

So what did I come up with?  Now, I walk around with cheese in my pocket so I can bribe her at a moment's notice (I should mark it "unwrap in case of emergency.)  Seriously. Even right now at the office, I have some in my pocket.  Because shit, if I can't use deception, all I've got left is bribery.

Please tell me I'm not the only one doing this! 

And honestly, if anyone had told me 10 years ago (when I was so full of myself and my hip urban lifestyle) that I would one day be carrying cheese in my pocket, I probably would have smacked them in the head with something. 

Most likely my beret. 

'Feminist author Linda Hirshman is here. I'll explain to her that a woman needs a man like a fish needs to be cooked and served to me for dinner by a woman on a bicycle.''---Stephen Colbert

It's interesting how a single article in an elite policy magazine can set off a battle between working mothers and those who choose to stay at home (i.e. "the Mommy Wars.")  For those of you late to the party, Hirshman has argued that women who are "letting their careers slide to tend the home fires" are making a DRASTIC mistake. Now, I'm personally of the belief that if you can afford to stay home, more kudos to you.  Either way, there's certainly no need to attack a woman's personal choice, Ms. Hirshman.  Shame on you. I do have to say that, in light of everything going on in the world, this VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE bores the crap out of me and is indicative of what my friend James like to call "high-class problems." 

Hell, BossLady is one of the smartest women I know.  She's an Ivy League grad and has the loan payments to prove it.  Would she love to stay at home?  Of course!  However, her decision to work shouldn't be equated with feminism but rather with what is right for our individual family.  After all, without her income, I'd be forced to drink cheap scotch, cut my own hair, and forgo foie gras.  So mind your own business, Linda Hirshman, and stay the hell out of my uterus!

''In her divorce petition, Denise Richards alleges Charlie Sheen is addicted to gambling, pornography, and prostitutes, all of which make him an unfit father...but a great uncle.''---David Spade

MetroBro is a great uncle.  Being a writer/filmmaker/artist, he has been entrusted with our daughter's aesthetic upbringing (like Uncle Buck! But with culture!)  Growing up, neither one of us had any uncles (at least none that we saw more than once every 20 years) so it's interesting watching him morph into unfamiliar territory. When Peanut was first born, I would frequently get phone calls from my childless friends who would say that they ran into my brother at a lounge at 3:00 in the morning and he immediately started whipping out baby photos like the proud uncle that he is.  Why am I mentioning all this?  Because I need a babysitter next Friday night, I can't get a hold of him, and I know he'll read this.  C'mon, dude.  Help a brother out! I'll even throw in a free dinner, some weed, and you don't have to walk the dog!

“How badly our enemies underestimated the power and endurance of freedom. In less than three years, we have more than just plans on paper—we place here today the cornerstone, the foundation of a new tower."---George Pataki in 2004 (as read in last week's New Yorker)

We live a short 4 blocks away from Ground Zero.  Were I a little younger, I could go on our building's roof, throw a baseball and hit the tarnished site.  I mention this because 2 years after Pataki's statement and more than 5 years after 9/11, they have only now begun to start construction on Freedom Tower. As has been abundantly documented, the bungling of this project has turned into an egregious example of bureaucracy and politics in action.   By the end of the day on September 11, 2001, it was clear that the terrorists’ act had enormous symbolic power in the eyes of the world, and it was also clear that whatever arose at Ground Zero should make an equally important symbolic statement of its own.  Sadly, we may find that instead of inspiring us and representing our values, the Tower will now represent the giant clusterfuck known as Politics In America.

''Your virtue is a gift. It is a gift you can give to only one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't regift it. If you give it to the wrong man, when the right one comes along, you'll have no gift to give. You'll have to give him a sweater.''---Rev. Boatwright on "Gilmore Girls"

For most of my life, there are certain groups whom I've always poked fun at...crazy old women with cats, white wanna-be gangsters, the French.  Also included in this group were knitters.  I was always scared by their pathological tendencies.  One day, they're knitting scarves.  The next day, they're making life-size replicas of a Ferrari. 

Well, as it turns out, the BossLady has become a knitter.

And like everything the BossLady does when she decides to do something, she does it full force.  For the past two weeks, she's dragged me to various yarn stores, shown me every Pantone color known to mankind, and researched every pattern under the stars.  She knits during her lunch hour, on the subway, and last night, I caught her knitting on the toilet. Just kidding.  Sort of.  Anyway, she just started a sweater for me and, in only two days, she's about 10% done.  It's like she's knitting on crystal meth. I think it's wonderful that she's making me this sweater but I think I'd rather have her spend more time giving up her virtue. 

''I forget: which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?''---Amanda Peet on "Studio 60" when a writer informs her that HBO is the only place for "literate" television.

I've always been a fan of Aaron Sorkin's work on television.  Yes, I know his writing is often pedantic and egocentric but whenever I watch his shows, it restores my faith in television as a medium.  Network television doesn't always have to be dumb people shouting at briefcases ("Deal or No Deal") or watching Emmitt Smith tarnish his legacy by doing the polka ("Dancing with the Stars.")  No, sometimes great television can transcend all that crap.  So, needless to say, I love Studio 60.  I love the spitfire dialogue, the quick wit, and the bantering repartee.  The acting is also impressive (especially Sarah Paulson as Harriet Hayes.)  And while I will agree with Amy/Tracey that Aaron Sorkin can be absurdly pompous and derisive, it's nice to see some quality television for a change that won't insult my intelligence.   

Interestingly, I think television is undergoing a great renaissance right now.  It seems that there's more quality television being aired now than there has been for a very long time.  I personally know that our Tivo/DVR is working overtime to record not only Studio 60 but also The Wire, Friday Night Lights, House, The Office, Smith, Shark, and CSI.  I haven't been interested in that many shows in years. They all share the main commonality of being intelligent and very well-written, characteristics that are becoming virtually extinct on network television.  And while these aforementioned shows have achieved considerable critical successes, it's sadly disappointing to see that they are suffering poorly in the ratings and may not be around for much longer.  Perhaps intelligent television, as we know it, is destined for the scrap heap as we (as a society) continue to succumb to the lowest common denominator.  What's next?  The death of literature? 

Anyway, bitches, I've got to run.  "Laguna Beach" is about to start! 

(Can't wait to see what neurotic Kyndra wears next.  That bitch be crazee with her leopard tops and tight-ass skirts.  And, OMG, did anyone catch that gnarly convo between Alex and Rocky last week?  How bitchin' was that?)

Comments

[William]

I too like Studio 60. I also Lie to my kid when I need to.

Don't let the boss lady get into Quilting. It is much more expensive than Knitting.

[mrsmogul]

Wow a dad who watched LAGUNA BEACH? Cheese was in my pocket for awhile then I discovered it melted!! I am not into bribing yet as the kid only knows how to say, "NEYYYYYY"

[Glennia]

MetroDad, I heart you forever for use of the word "pedantic". My second favorite? "Pejorative".

Anyway, the only thing I disagree with is the Harriet Hayes love; I think she's the weak spot on the show and has zero chemistry with Matthew Perry. Then again, I'm not sure who would have chemistry with Matthew Perry. Also, can't believe you are not watching "Heroes". Any TV with subtitles is a-okay in my book, even if the guy who plays Hiro is channeling Jerry Lewis playing a Japanese salaryman.

I started scrapbooking a few years ago and my husband called it "The Cult." I can totally relate to BossLady on the knitting. Then, I had an epiphany and realized that my son will need a semi to haul all the scrapbooks to college with him if I kept up the pace and had to BACK AWAY FROM THE FANCY SCISSORS before someone got hurt. I'm better now, really.

[rach!]

knitters unite!

A fun project for the Peanut and the Bosslady is dying yarn with Kool-Aid. And then the Bosslady could make it into a scarf for the Peanut.

[panthergirl]

I love that you love TV as much as I do. And I *love* Studio 60! I've heard it's not doing well, though. And I do agree with the commenter about who doesn't like Harriet Hayes. Blech.

Anyway...haven't watched this week's episode yet so I think I'll do that now!

[roolalenska]

I had to delurk and tell you that your story about the cheese in your pockets reminds me of back in my pre-child life when I lived in the Slope. I was walking my 2 dogs with my boyfriend (now my husband) and we ran into our lovely Swedish dog walker riding by on her bicycle. The dogs ran up to her to say hello and she pulled 2 whole hot dogs out of her pockets to give to them. I'd say you should rest easy with a little cheese.

[alice, uptown]

I thought bribery was in every parent's how-to-raise-a-kid manual. Fortunately the Peanut now responds to cheese. Wait until she gets older, and discovers the value of the cash incentive. (My mom tried to use cash on me and on my brother when we were teenagers, but we wouldn't go for the price she was offering.)

[Nothing But Bonfires]

The fact that you are walking around with cheese in your pocket cracked me up more than I can say. There used to be some European commercial for pasta back in the 90s where the dad was leaving on a business trip and his daughter, who was maybe 5 or 6, put a piece of pasta in his suit jacket as he was on his way out the door to the airport. Once he got to his fancy hotel on the other side of the world. he took his jacket off and happened to reach into the pocket and find the piece of pasta. And thus, we assume, was reminded of the little girl, because he gave a wry smile. (And also then I cried and went out and bought pasta.)

So when the Peanut is old enough, perhaps she'll start putting pasta in your pocket too. And then you can make macaroni and cheese at a moment's notice, should you damn well feel like it.

[Jonathan]

I have to second the props for The Yarn Co. on 82nd. My friend from Bronx Science quit her job to buy that store. I've always admired her for leaving corporate law for her hobby to make it in the hypercompetitive world of knitting...

[petitegourmand]

Question.
I can no longer say that without thinking of Dwight from The Office.
what a great show.
Sleeper Cell, Lost, Prison break, Entourage, Carnival and Huff are all great too.
drag that Huff and Carnival were cancelled.
all the best shows seem to get the axe.

[Superha]

Whoa, you watch "Gilmore Girls" by yourself? Hmmm... My sister just started knitting. Perhaps I can get her to knit a big computer for me or a 6' tall PDA. The BossLady sounds like your perfect match. Is that sweater almost finished?

That was the most amazing, HILARIOUS, articulate, quality post I have read in a REALLY LONG TIME. I'm surprised I can even type at this point after dying of laughter. You made my whole day.. if not week reading your rant. I couldn't agree more. Your writing is beautiful and filled with so much truth! Thank YOU!!

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[Bapi]

Linda seems to be arguing that femisinm has lost focus by way of intersectionality — because we’re so busy looking at things like race and class, we’ve forgotten about women. And just .why anyone would ever think that arguing that was a good idea is beyond me.#1 It's not true#2 It's racist, bigoted, etc.And if you are really so privileged that you can't see either of those, you should at least be able to stumble across#3 That is essentially the same argument that faux-progressives make about femisinm in general.Which should make the Linda's of the world pause and think for a second even if nothing else does.

[Linda]

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[Hadi]

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[Erwandi]

vincent kyunguti manwthi Posted on I have financial constrain i long to do my masters.thats why i request for scolarship.I am a kenyan aged 23years of old.currently i am a fourth year taking a bechelors of education science(physics and mathematics).By next year i will be through with my degree course.

[Steve]

Rashmi Posted on Ashwin,This provided a houirails reading. Good to see you so grown up. The last time I remember seeing you as a toddler in Gomia playing with your dog while the play school was on. How are your parents? Where are they settled? I am Rashmi, Dr. B.C. Ghosh's daughter from Gomia. Where is your sister Vasundhara? Is she on fb?

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[kaydenoha]

This matters because current polls show Obama holding a rather narrow lead in the popular vote and a bigger one in the electoral college. Overall, this means that his positions and person are more popular than Romney's.

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