As many of you know, sleep and I have a somewhat tenuous relationship. Whereas the Peanut tends to fall asleep by 7:30, BossLady usually starts getting yawny around 10:00 pm. Hence, I usually have about 4 hours to myself every night, a time that I use to voraciously consume as much news, sports and pop culture before I vomit like a bulimic Chuck Klosterman. Whether I've gorged on TV, the 50 magazines I subscribe to, or any of the 3 books that I tend to read simultaneously, I often come across some interesting quotes, both funny and serious, that I thought I'd share with all of you (along, of course, with my normal two-cent commentary.)
''Mothers don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.''---Lynette on "Desperate Housewives."
When the Peanut was born, BossLady and I swore that we would never lie to her. We wanted to have an open relationship with our daughter that would never be influenced by dishonesty or deception. Unfortunately, the Terrible Twos are testing the limits of that commitment. Right now, getting the Peanut into her stroller is like wrestling a penguin into a dress. It's virtually fucking impossible. Last week, in a moment of weakness, I turned to the Peanut and said, "C'mon, kid, just jump in the stroller. Elmo's downstairs waiting for us." However, the lovely BossLady informed me that false promises of furry red monsters technically constitute a lie so I'd better start coming up with some new tricks.
So what did I come up with? Now, I walk around with cheese in my pocket so I can bribe her at a moment's notice (I should mark it "unwrap in case of emergency.) Seriously. Even right now at the office, I have some in my pocket. Because shit, if I can't use deception, all I've got left is bribery.
Please tell me I'm not the only one doing this!
And honestly, if anyone had told me 10 years ago (when I was so full of myself and my hip urban lifestyle) that I would one day be carrying cheese in my pocket, I probably would have smacked them in the head with something.
Most likely my beret.
'Feminist author Linda Hirshman is here. I'll explain to her that a woman needs a man like a fish needs to be cooked and served to me for dinner by a woman on a bicycle.''---Stephen Colbert
It's interesting how a single article in an elite policy magazine can set off a battle between working mothers and those who choose to stay at home (i.e. "the Mommy Wars.") For those of you late to the party, Hirshman has argued that women who are "letting their careers slide to tend the home fires" are making a DRASTIC mistake. Now, I'm personally of the belief that if you can afford to stay home, more kudos to you. Either way, there's certainly no need to attack a woman's personal choice, Ms. Hirshman. Shame on you. I do have to say that, in light of everything going on in the world, this VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE bores the crap out of me and is indicative of what my friend James like to call "high-class problems."
Hell, BossLady is one of the smartest women I know. She's an Ivy League grad and has the loan payments to prove it. Would she love to stay at home? Of course! However, her decision to work shouldn't be equated with feminism but rather with what is right for our individual family. After all, without her income, I'd be forced to drink cheap scotch, cut my own hair, and forgo foie gras. So mind your own business, Linda Hirshman, and stay the hell out of my uterus!
''In her divorce petition, Denise Richards alleges Charlie Sheen is addicted to gambling, pornography, and prostitutes, all of which make him an unfit father...but a great uncle.''---David Spade
MetroBro is a great uncle. Being a writer/filmmaker/artist, he has been entrusted with our daughter's aesthetic upbringing (like Uncle Buck! But with culture!) Growing up, neither one of us had any uncles (at least none that we saw more than once every 20 years) so it's interesting watching him morph into unfamiliar territory. When Peanut was first born, I would frequently get phone calls from my childless friends who would say that they ran into my brother at a lounge at 3:00 in the morning and he immediately started whipping out baby photos like the proud uncle that he is. Why am I mentioning all this? Because I need a babysitter next Friday night, I can't get a hold of him, and I know he'll read this. C'mon, dude. Help a brother out! I'll even throw in a free dinner, some weed, and you don't have to walk the dog!
“How badly our enemies underestimated the power and endurance of freedom. In less than three years, we have more than just plans on paper—we place here today the cornerstone, the foundation of a new tower."---George Pataki in 2004 (as read in last week's New Yorker)
We live a short 4 blocks away from Ground Zero. Were I a little younger, I could go on our building's roof, throw a baseball and hit the tarnished site. I mention this because 2 years after Pataki's statement and more than 5 years after 9/11, they have only now begun to start construction on Freedom Tower. As has been abundantly documented, the bungling of this project has turned into an egregious example of bureaucracy and politics in action. By the end of the day on September 11, 2001, it was clear that the terrorists’ act had enormous symbolic power in the eyes of the world, and it was also clear that whatever arose at Ground Zero should make an equally important symbolic statement of its own. Sadly, we may find that instead of inspiring us and representing our values, the Tower will now represent the giant clusterfuck known as Politics In America.
''Your virtue is a gift. It is a gift you can give to only one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't regift it. If you give it to the wrong man, when the right one comes along, you'll have no gift to give. You'll have to give him a sweater.''---Rev. Boatwright on "Gilmore Girls"
For most of my life, there are certain groups whom I've always poked fun at...crazy old women with cats, white wanna-be gangsters, the French. Also included in this group were knitters. I was always scared by their pathological tendencies. One day, they're knitting scarves. The next day, they're making life-size replicas of a Ferrari.
Well, as it turns out, the BossLady has become a knitter.
And like everything the BossLady does when she decides to do something, she does it full force. For the past two weeks, she's dragged me to various yarn stores, shown me every Pantone color known to mankind, and researched every pattern under the stars. She knits during her lunch hour, on the subway, and last night, I caught her knitting on the toilet. Just kidding. Sort of. Anyway, she just started a sweater for me and, in only two days, she's about 10% done. It's like she's knitting on crystal meth. I think it's wonderful that she's making me this sweater but I think I'd rather have her spend more time giving up her virtue.
''I forget: which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?''---Amanda Peet on "Studio 60" when a writer informs her that HBO is the only place for "literate" television.
I've always been a fan of Aaron Sorkin's work on television. Yes, I know his writing is often pedantic and egocentric but whenever I watch his shows, it restores my faith in television as a medium. Network television doesn't always have to be dumb people shouting at briefcases ("Deal or No Deal") or watching Emmitt Smith tarnish his legacy by doing the polka ("Dancing with the Stars.") No, sometimes great television can transcend all that crap. So, needless to say, I love Studio 60. I love the spitfire dialogue, the quick wit, and the bantering repartee. The acting is also impressive (especially Sarah Paulson as Harriet Hayes.) And while I will agree with Amy/Tracey that Aaron Sorkin can be absurdly pompous and derisive, it's nice to see some quality television for a change that won't insult my intelligence.
Interestingly, I think television is undergoing a great renaissance right now. It seems that there's more quality television being aired now than there has been for a very long time. I personally know that our Tivo/DVR is working overtime to record not only Studio 60 but also The Wire, Friday Night Lights, House, The Office, Smith, Shark, and CSI. I haven't been interested in that many shows in years. They all share the main commonality of being intelligent and very well-written, characteristics that are becoming virtually extinct on network television. And while these aforementioned shows have achieved considerable critical successes, it's sadly disappointing to see that they are suffering poorly in the ratings and may not be around for much longer. Perhaps intelligent television, as we know it, is destined for the scrap heap as we (as a society) continue to succumb to the lowest common denominator. What's next? The death of literature?
Anyway, bitches, I've got to run. "Laguna Beach" is about to start!
(Can't wait to see what neurotic Kyndra wears next. That bitch be crazee with her leopard tops and tight-ass skirts. And, OMG, did anyone catch that gnarly convo between Alex and Rocky last week? How bitchin' was that?)
sadly, Smith has already been cancelled. bitches.
Posted by: katharine | October 25, 2006 at 04:56 PM
Just don't let the BossLady get into spinning her own yarn for knitting. Trust me on this one.
Posted by: the weirdgirl | October 25, 2006 at 04:59 PM
Regarding lying to your kids, I don't think a little white lie now and then is going to hurt anybody. My kids are 8 and 10, still 'believe' in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy - I think modern society is trying to take all the fun and fantasy out of being a kid.
I grew up with all sorts of disinformation (My mom used to say, "Leave a big tip - otherwise they'll think all Asians are cheap!") but I didn't grow up to be a psychopath or plagued with emotional problems. Okay, one out of two ain't bad.
(David Spade is a genius!)
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | October 25, 2006 at 05:04 PM
The Wire... the most awesome show on TV.
CSI?.... not so much.
Posted by: JJ Daddy-O | October 25, 2006 at 05:33 PM
Thank for making me see that bribery and Korean girls have a symbiotic relationship at every stage of development.
When they are babies it's cheese. In college it's LV. When they are my age it's diamond rings.
You know what's sad, you watch more tv than I, the single guy who has his whole home planned around a huge Samsung tv.
Oh wait, I get to go to the gym and go out whenever I want to.
Posted by: Mike | October 25, 2006 at 05:37 PM
Dude, encourage the nitting. Lady-A just made Little-E the coolest fucking baby legwarmers I've ever seen.
Posted by: Jonathon | October 25, 2006 at 06:16 PM
you are such a girl. : )
I love LB too, Kyndra is crazy girrrllllllll.
Posted by: teri | October 25, 2006 at 06:54 PM
Dude. Why ruin a post with LB talk. :)
I can't even type it.
Kyndra.
UGH. the Y. UGH.
Posted by: Kristen | October 25, 2006 at 07:13 PM
Knitting on crystal meth--laughed out loud.
I'm trying to start knitting too but I think it's boring. But I still want to do it. What to do, what to do. I guess start knitting on the potty should spice things up a bit. Thanks for the assvice:-)
Posted by: Samantha Jo campen | October 25, 2006 at 07:30 PM
Keep up with the no lies. I think it guarantees the kid will eventually have a built-in bullshit detector.
Tell Boss Lady to start reading knitting blogs -- the Yarn Harlot, Go Knit in Your Hat, Wendy Knits, Grumperina, Now Norma Knits. She will learn far more from those than she ever will from a book or from the nice ladies at her LYS (that knitter for Local Yarn Store). And if you value your checking account, never let her know about Habu Textiles in NYC.
Posted by: kmkat | October 25, 2006 at 07:54 PM
Yeah I find whenever I start liking a show that is well written no one else does and it gets cancelled. I will have to check out some of what you are Tivoing, right now it is only Studio 60 and the Office I catch. I was unsure about Friday Night Lights, I am not a fan of sports drama but I will give it a shot.
Posted by: dear wife | October 25, 2006 at 08:01 PM
Geez, I have trouble keeping up with the four shows that I watch... Survivor, Amazing Race, Prison Break, and Battlestar Galactica.
I'll watch the other stuff, like 24 and Desperate Housewives, but not until it's out on DVD and I can marathon it in one blurry weekend.
Posted by: Phil | October 25, 2006 at 08:18 PM
I am so hearting you, MetroDad.
I too hate all those crappy tv shows but boy, have I gotten sucked into Laguna Beach. Who's the whorey self-esteem issue with the "older" boyfriend she cheated on? Is that Kyndra? Can't wait to see what she's up to in ten years.
Posted by: Mom101 | October 25, 2006 at 08:21 PM
Ha. Liz got me sucked into Laguna Beach. There's no turning back.
And I posted about lying vs. creative storytelling last week. Short version? Lying is good for you. My mother's insistence that if I unscrewed my bellybutton my bum would fall off made me a better person, fer shur.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | October 25, 2006 at 08:31 PM
Someone really needs to get you your own television show, MD (even though it would probably be one of those shows that gets critical acclaim but is cancelled after 3 episodes.)
Posted by: A.Tsai | October 25, 2006 at 08:42 PM
Dude, you watch Gilmore Girls? Metro as usual you crack me up. I wouldn't tell the Peanut that Elmo is waiting downstairs because it will backfire on you, but bribery always works for me. Some say not to do it, but shit it's the way of the world. If I do what my boss wants I get a raise every year and a bonus. Why shouldn't my kid learn that if she is quiet in the grocery store, I'll buy her fruit snacks. Now I was already going to buy her that shit, but she didn't know that. Work it for as long as you can. I keep jelly beans in a baggie in my purse for bad moments. Oh and Santa works well too. After this Christmas, once Peanut for sure gets it, you can always threaten to call Santa. Maya falls for it every time and she's almost 5.
Smith was cancled I believe. But I agree on your TV thing. My Tivo is getting full. I've never really found more that two shows a season that I even semi like, but this time it is insane. And we just can't seem to stop watching any of them. Good news is, I'll be watching new shows all of next summer because there is too much to see. Bad news is, I'll need to buy another Tivo when I run out of room on this one. Have you seen Heroes?
Posted by: Melissa | October 25, 2006 at 08:52 PM
With an offer like that, MetroBro better show up. Hell, I'd come babysit just to hang with the Peanut, but you make an offer that can't be refused. Except I'm not your brother. And I don't live in NYC. But other than that, I'd love to help you out. . .wait, I just re-read that. . .is MetroBro actually Charlie Sheen?
As for the Freedom Tower--which might have been something beautiful and inspiring--what better to memorialize the clusterfuck that politicians create than a building that resembles nothing more than a giant prick?
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | October 25, 2006 at 09:22 PM
I knew you were a closet Gilmore Girls fan. Admit it!
Posted by: Amy | October 25, 2006 at 10:27 PM
I love the fact that you're begging your brother for babysitting services via a blog post. You rock. Also, BossLady's knitting is scaring me... but it's so impressive!
Posted by: Kristen | October 25, 2006 at 11:00 PM
She just started knitting and now she's making a sweater? And that thing about Asian people being overacheivers is a stereotype? Are you sure????
I honestly, honestly tried to watch Laguna Beach but I couldn't catch up. Guess I'll have to get the first few seasons on DVD and deal with it.
Posted by: mrsfortune | October 25, 2006 at 11:12 PM
Ah, knitting. I knitted like a raving lunatic during my pregnancy up until Joles was born. (Actually knitting during labor). Scarves, blankets, socks, ponchos. Then, nothing since. The compulsion just went away. Oh yeah, there was also this exorcism....
Posted by: KC | October 26, 2006 at 12:13 AM
If there's a way to parent without bribery, I don't know about it. (And hey, I'm a professional)
Posted by: Lunasea | October 26, 2006 at 12:34 AM
"...10 years ago (when I was so full of myself and my hip urban lifestyle)..."
Oh. So you're over this now. Um. Okay. Good luck with that.
Metro, I'm always packing "pocket cheese" also, so I love that I'm not the only over the top daddy out there. But I carry string cheese sticks, and I just know you carry a wedge of brie or camambert or something. Just sayin' :)
And Studio 60 is one of the few new shows we're watching around here...getting better every week in my opinion. Wish new shows, especially with that kind of writing, were given more of a chance to develop, fill in back story, find their groove (and audience) etc.
And a beret? I always sort of picture you in more of a fez. Whatever.
Posted by: Mike | October 26, 2006 at 01:16 AM
Ah man, the wife's sister is trying to get her into knitting. I'm fighting it - I don't want knitted clothing like my brother-in-law. He looks like a poodle
What will they guys at school ,I mean work, think?
Posted by: creative-type dad | October 26, 2006 at 02:39 AM
Oh no - my initials have now been reduced to standing for Laguna Beach!
Is it bad that I love watching DOND - ahem, Deal or No Deal? I'm always like "Take the fucking deal, you selfish bitch!" (Sidenote: Do I maybe have anger problems?)
Posted by: Liberal Banana | October 26, 2006 at 07:45 AM
stay the hell out of my utuerus? that cracked me up, md. i almost snorted coffee out my nose.
Posted by: jc | October 26, 2006 at 08:38 AM
You use cheese. We use crackers. Same difference. It's weren't for bribery, I'd never get our son out of the house. Go with it, MD!
Posted by: Lisa | October 26, 2006 at 08:42 AM
You need to show Boss Lady this site, Monster Crochet, for inspiration.
Posted by: Velma | October 26, 2006 at 09:24 AM
We use the Beastie Boys methodology for getting our elder son to do our bidding:
what the voices in Daddy's hear say:
"You've got two choices of what you can do.
It's not a tough descision as you can see.
I can blow you away or you can ride with me."
what daddy says:
"We can't play outside naked.
Do you want to wear the yellow shirt or the green shirt"
The Elder:
"Yellow Shirt"
Daddy:
"Sweet, let's ride"
Posted by: Terry | October 26, 2006 at 09:41 AM
Knitting will make Boss Lady's hands and fingers stronger, which is good for - you know - dirty stuff.
Posted by: Lumpyheadsmom | October 26, 2006 at 09:44 AM
I once saw a mini interview on the Biography Channel - I forgot who it was who was being interviewed - but he was asked, "Do you ever lie?" And he replied that yes, the people that he lies to are his children because all children need to believe that everything will be okay and that they are safe. I thought that it was a really poignant sentiment and really very true.
Posted by: Bonnie | October 26, 2006 at 09:51 AM
I love that uncle quote. When my bro and I were young teenagers, our Uncle Bruce was aways the one who let us drink a sip of his beer, puff a drag on his cigarettes, and let us look at his Playboys. Pretty innocent stuff now that I look back on it but back then, Uncle Bruce was our favorite uncle. He still is.
Posted by: Alan | October 26, 2006 at 10:18 AM
BossLady,
Go to The Yarn Co. on 82nd & Broadway. Fantastic selection of yarns. Lots of stuff that you won't find in catalogs or online. Welcome to the club!
Posted by: leora | October 26, 2006 at 10:52 AM
That Stephen Colbert quote is hilarious. Is it me or is he getting funnier and funnier every day?
Posted by: Jason | October 26, 2006 at 12:16 PM
Sadly, we also use Elmo as bribe material - how is it that kids love Elmo so much?? Hah, I've been catching Studio 60 as well - I hope it doesn't get nixed like Sports Night or any other show that has more dialogue than an average Chaplin movie. Another show that I wish I were able to watch more is Boston Legal (the new version with Shatner and Spader) because I love Spader's dialogue... okay, I digress. Y'know, before LN, I was the grinch, the know-it-all curmudgeon who thought parents who cater to their kids' Xmas fantasies were a bunch of lying bitches... now, I'm all about Jingle fucking Bells and "oooh, wait 'til you meet Santa!"... and working on the perfect lie that'd convince her that Santa doesn't need a chimney to get to our house. These little humans have brainwashing powers... it's too late for me, but save yourself!
BTW, it's too funny that a 'harmless' hobby like knitting can have men like you shaking in their boots... my virtue is too precious to give as a gift so I think I, too, will start knitting scarves.
Posted by: Mama Nabi | October 26, 2006 at 12:51 PM
OMG, that lady who knitted the Ferrari is insane! I admit that I love to knit also and I can see how people get completely obsessed with it. Just ask my husband!
Posted by: Rach | October 26, 2006 at 12:57 PM
"getting the Peanut into her stroller is like wrestling a penguin into a dress"
You're not alone, MD. For the record, we bribe our kid with animal crackers.
Posted by: Stacy | October 26, 2006 at 12:59 PM
when ever my daughter wants a pet I tell her that when we'll get back to Israel she'll have what ever she wants - I should stop because in her little head she is making a list
btw, u should really see, what I believe to be excellent shows:
1. Law and order criminal intent - the main actor Vincent D'Onofrio is amazing
2. Battleship Galactica - I just started and I'm hooked
Posted by: abba-daddy | October 26, 2006 at 01:37 PM
The cheese isn't bribery, it's incentive! Don't say, "If you get into your stroller, you can have some cheese." Say, "You can have the cheese WHEN you get into your stroller." That way, she knows her butt's going into that stroller, like it or not, but that she can have her cheese when she is sitting there. The cheese just greeses the wheels. Even with dogs, you give them a treat when they do a trick for you. You just don't give them the option of doing the trick or not.
Posted by: Sarah | October 26, 2006 at 02:03 PM
MD,
Agree with you on the pocket cheese and if past me, world traveling expat consulting engineer could see now me- with my two girls (Stradling peanuts age)traveling less than most, I would be shocked. The real split in life is not married/unmarried- its kids/no kids and dogs don't count.
Dig studio 60- hope it lasts
As for WTC- the company I was working for at the time worked on the Pentagon reconstruction and the deadline for both moral and symbolic purposes was to be done by the first aniversary of 9/11 and they made the date. Granted there are many more players involved in the WTC than the Pentagon but enough is enough
Posted by: avgourmet | October 26, 2006 at 02:12 PM
Cool, knitting! BossLady can knit with me-- I'll be up there again next weekend to help Aunt Lulu. Maybe y'all could give us some lessons on the whole baby/stoller/carseat/taxi thing. I didn't have to face that with my minivan.
Anne Glamore
Posted by: Anne Glamore | October 26, 2006 at 02:55 PM
Can you imagine if Charlie Sheen really was your uncle? How awesome would that be?
p.s. You're not alone with the stroller bribery, MD. Nope. Not alone at all.
Posted by: Jeremy | October 26, 2006 at 03:40 PM
Is the Bosslady procrastinating on something? Her knitting reminds me of my newfound bento obsession. Also don't worry about the lying, as I've said before, manipulation and propaganda are what parenting is all about. Children need something to talk to their therapists about. Normal people are just boring ya know??
Posted by: honglien123 | October 26, 2006 at 06:12 PM
BTW, have you ever checked out Calvin and Hobbes? The relationship Calvin had with his dad and all the explanations his dad came up with were classic. :sigh: I miss that series. I'm sorry, I don't really watch TV, that's all I've got.
Posted by: honglien123 | October 26, 2006 at 06:14 PM
We don't watch TV anymore, because we don't have time and something had to give. But we're surrounded by TiVo addicts who are trying to get us hooked. Their newest ploy is to convince us that TiVo isn't really TV at all since commercials can be zapped into oblivion. Someone I know has a TiVo fantasy: the next TiVo will be as big as a room in his house, and he'll be able to TiVo THE ENTIRE WORLD!
Blackberries, TiVo, and the Borg all basically share a similar marketing energy: Resistance is futile.
Posted by: KG | October 26, 2006 at 06:58 PM
Wait until you have THREE kids, MD. Once you're outnumbered like that, all's fair in love and war. You'll be using bribes, lies, and deception to control the kids.
And you'll be lucky if it works HALF the time!
Posted by: Papa Smurf | October 26, 2006 at 07:28 PM
If someone had told me 10 years ago that 4:00 in the morning meant nursing the baby and changing diapers, I would have laughed my ass off. Now? I couldn't imagine a better thing to be doing that late at night.
Posted by: punkymama | October 26, 2006 at 08:09 PM
You keep cheese in your pocket? I would never have guessed.
It tastes best at room temperature anyway.
I haven't done that, but I keep snacks in the car to bribe the boys with when we are away from home, and to entice my 4 yr old to GET IN THE CAR when I pick him up from daycare (otherwise it takes him 20 minutes to say good-bye to everyone).
Posted by: momto3cubs | October 26, 2006 at 10:03 PM
You crack me up, MD. Your references are more scattered than Dennis Miller on speed. How do you sort it all out in your head?
Posted by: I. | October 26, 2006 at 10:13 PM
Went to Aaron Sorkin's house for a party last year - kind of a pompous dick. Obviously talented but all his shows are the same: choppy staccato wit followed by soliloquy after soliloquy. We all want to tell the Christian Right to fuck off and he gets to do it week after week, so maybe he's not so bad after all.
By the way, Laguna Beach bites this season. I did like seeing Annoying Beth get punched on The Challenge though.
Posted by: MetroDude | October 27, 2006 at 02:40 AM