It's only Monday but I feel like it's already been a long week. Damn! Since I didn't want to dump or unleash my problems and stresses onto you guys, I decided to just post random thoughts that occured to me during today's commute on NYC's finest subways. Here's 15 minutes of nothing....
FIVE THINGS I DEEPLY REGRET HAVING TAUGHT MY DAUGHTER
1. Picking your nose and wiping the boogers on your shoe.
2. Feeding leftovers to the dog.
3. Taking the batteries out of the remote control.
4. Splashing in the bathtub.
5. Wet willies.
FIVE THINGS I TAUGHT HER THAT ARE STUPID BUT HIGHLY AWESOME
1. Giving people a high-five while saying, "Up top, yo!"
2. Bras make great hats.
3. Panties on your head are even funnier.
4. Running around, pointing to your ass and yelling, "Poop! Poop!" (even when you haven't.)
5. Waking her mother up by sticking your finger in her belly button.
FIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT "BLUE'S CLUES"
1. I find myself mesmerized by Joe's eyebrows. Is it me or are they freakishly bushy?
2. Whenever BossLady refuses to do something, I pretend to write in a notebook.
3. I always thought Blue was a guy but then I saw him/her in a bikini. Blew my fucking mind.
4. I know a job is a job, "Joe," but why take one that all but guarantees a life of celibacy?
5. I think watching "Sesame Street" on mushrooms would be fun but "Blue's Clues" would scare the shit out of me.
FIVE QUESTIONS ABOUT "SESAME STREET"
1. Are Bert & Ernie (a) roommates, (b) brothers, or (c) totally gay?
2. What the fuck happened to Snuffleupagus? Did someone put a hit on him?
3. Who owns Hoopers? Some rich dude driving a Cadillac who lives in the suburbs?
4. Are the Birdketeers and the Grouchketeers like the Crips and the Bloods of Sesame Street?
5. Was there any lingering bitterness when Kermit left to front his own show and become a big Hollywood movie star?
FIVE PEOPLE ON THE SUBWAY WHO PISSED ME OFF TODAY
1. The leg-spreader.
2. Smelly guy eating an Egg McMuffin next to me.
3. Hairy armpit-in-my-face woman.
4. Sneezy guy who didn't cover his nose.
5. Crazy Chinese woman knitting a sweater with her needles just inches from my face.
FIVE PEOPLE ON THE SUBWAY WHO MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH NYC ALL OVER AGAIN
1. Cool, arty older woman who let me work on the Sunday NYT crossword with her.
2. Funny Orthodox Jewish homeboy freestyling raps about sheckels and kippas.
3. Scary black dude whom I busted listening to Whitney's "I'm Every Woman" on his ipod.
4. Conservative blonde WASP banker-type woman who gave the homeless guy her sandwich.
5. Incredibly fragile 85-year old gentleman kindly offering his seat to a young pregnant woman.
FIVE IDEAS FOR MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME (AND WHY THEY'RE ALL BAD)
1. Jin from "Lost" (Being barechested all night sounds like a good way to freeze your nipples off.)
2. V from "V for Vendetta" (When I tried on the mask, I scared the shit out of the Peanut.)
3. Elmo ("Mommy, why is Elmo smoking cigarettes on Hudson Street?")
4. Michelle Wie (I'm damn fugly in drag.)
5. A Gay Redneck Asian Nascar Driver (not sure if anyone would find this as funny as I do.)
Feel free to comment on any/all of the above.
Meanwhile, anyone got some good stuff to keep me entertained and cheer me up? Funny youtube videos? Newly discovered blogs? Photos of Christy Turlington in a Wonder Woman outfit?
I regret having taught our son how to play the drums. 'Nuff said!
Posted by: RAY-JAY | October 24, 2006 at 04:08 PM
Best bet leg-spreader was male (patnox.com)
Posted by: Kelly | October 24, 2006 at 04:31 PM
OTRgirl is correct - Aloysius Snuffleupagus (his full name) was finally "seen" in 1985 when Big Bird was tired of people making fun of him. The reasoning - the Children's Television Workshop decided to finally show him after many news stories of the time regarding child abuse and pedophilia (on 60 Minutes, 20/20, etc.). He's still on the show (as someone else mentioned) but not as often as far as I know. For me, 1985 was the day the Sesame Street died (happens to be when I grew far too old for it, but still!).
The reason for the lack of Kermit? Henson's death and the sale of the Jim Henson's Company first to EM TV (German company) and then to Disney. Jim Henson's and Children's Television Workshop are seperate companies, unfortunately (he was really just a guest star previously). Sad days for the CTW, I'm sure.
Bert and Ernie are friends, just like Sam and Frodo (*cough*).
As requested a video. In this case, a video of a genius dog: http://www.neatorama.com/2006/10/24/skidboot/
Up top, yo!
Posted by: Best Man | October 24, 2006 at 06:38 PM
I thought you enjoyed receiving Peanut's wet willies.
Posted by: enygma | October 24, 2006 at 07:04 PM
I met Sneezy Guy today at daycare. The elfin's little friend sneezed right in my face as I was leaning over to tie his shoes. I'm guessing I'll be sick within 24 hours. Sheesh!
Posted by: Louise | October 24, 2006 at 07:20 PM
Mate - I'm just really, really impressed that you dress up for Halloween; getting into costume once a year is just one more thing I miss about the US.
Whatever you decide to wear - you have to post pics.
Posted by: IFLYG | October 24, 2006 at 10:33 PM
c) totally gay. I'm somewhat surprised there hasn't been a Pat Robertson evangelical shitstorm over the whole thing...
Posted by: L.A. Daddy | October 24, 2006 at 10:42 PM
Here's some video for you.. well really for the Peanut based on B.3
http://motherwoman.blogspot.com/2006/08/case-for-gymboree.html
Posted by: mo-wo | October 25, 2006 at 02:24 AM
Hey MD, I tired leaving a comment yesterday but it did not take. I too think Joe's Eyebrows are freaky.
Posted by: William | October 25, 2006 at 08:15 AM
Blue's a girl? I had no idea. That changes everything!
Posted by: Alison | October 25, 2006 at 08:42 AM
1) I think Snuffleufagus was on Sesame Street this morning.
2) Joe's stage-makeup freaks me out, he looks like he has jaundice. Has anyone else noticed that he's gained weight lately? His face has gotten super chubby. Bet those untucked shirts and khakies hide a multitude of sins.
3) My big concern with Blue's Clues is, shouldn't a guy who needs the assistance of toddlers, clocks, and salt and pepper shakers to get through the most minor of tasks have some sort of adult supervision? He shouldn't be living alone!
Posted by: johnsondaw | October 25, 2006 at 10:03 AM
I think the dogs in Blue's Clues are girls and the cats are boys....
and the bert/ernie/teletubbie thing is just a result of the current culture's homophobia, no brainwashing involved.
Posted by: | October 25, 2006 at 10:08 AM
the subway leg-spreader has got to be my all-time pet peeve when it comes to subway riders...what are they, marking their territory?
Posted by: | October 25, 2006 at 10:34 AM
Blue is a girl? Get the f out of here!
Posted by: | October 25, 2006 at 10:35 AM
I sat next to an older woman on the subway doing the NYT crossword last night. When I took a quick peek, she shot me a nasty look, muttered something under her breath, and covered up her crossword. Fucking freak!
Posted by: MJ | October 25, 2006 at 10:45 AM
Blue is a girl?
What?
Are you serious?
...I think my mind is blown too.
~L
Posted by: Lainey-Paney | October 25, 2006 at 11:07 AM
I like the 85-year-old offering his seat. I've been there. I had a five-day-old, a two-year-old, and my ten-year-old in a medical lab waiting room. I felt a little sheepish taking his seat, but needed to nurse the baby and calm my toddler. I really appreciated a chair!
Posted by: Mom2Six | October 25, 2006 at 11:43 AM
Joe's freakish caterpillar eyes drive me nuts. And his facial expressions range from puzzled to retarded. I want to punch him hard. Bring back Steve!
I can't help wondering if the guy who does Big Bird's arm is getting tired.
You ever notice the people who bring a six-course meal from Popeyes on the subway? I'm not a fan of that, mostly because it makes me hungry. I also hate the Snapple bottle that rolls back and forth every time the train comes to a station. But I love the people who helpfully point out the stops when someone is squinting at a map, and I LOVE the little asian ladies who walk through with batteries, DVDs, and squeeky toys.
And please, in the name of god, not Michelle Wie. I'm predicting the priest out fit again
Posted by: CroutonBoy | October 25, 2006 at 11:45 AM
Yeah, my favorite people on the Washington D.C. Metro are definitely sleepy homeless chicken-soup-scented woman and the Washington Nationals Baseball Whack-a-Doo. Every time this guy saw me or my husband coming back from a game, he would chase us down and do a play-by-play review of the game. I loathed that guy.
I didn't teach my son how to do a wet willie, but somehow he knows anyway. Same with bathtub splashing. I'm totally teaching him the high-five "Up top, yo" thing later though.
Posted by: Molly Wade Chase | October 25, 2006 at 01:13 PM
Go as the NASCAR guy! And take photos!
Posted by: Queen of Ass | October 25, 2006 at 01:18 PM
Your fellow transit riders are much more interesting than the ones I encounter in SF. Here, I just get creepy homeless guy who stares at my ass or yuppie scum.
Posted by: mindy | October 25, 2006 at 01:22 PM
Snuffy has been on Sesame Street all week this week. Someone give his eyelashes a trim! They have gotten a lot longer since his "imaginary" days.
Three words about Bert and Ernie: seperate twin beds.
Alan owns Hooper's, as previously noted, and the actor who plays him is Japanese. A flashback of Mr. Hooper was shown on the 35th anniversary show.
I roared about the Crips and Bloods reference to the Grouchketeers and Birdketeers. Apparently, like all conspiracies, they are both working for the same master, since both Oscar and Big Bird are played by Carroll Spinney - ha ha!
Btw, a new DVD set called "Sesame Street:Old School" is available on Amazon. Volume 1, 1969-1974. It's on my wish list.
The Munchkin does not know Nickelodeon exists - hence, Dora, Blue, and SpongeBob have no meaning or interest here - and I intend to keep it that way, as God is my witness.
Posted by: Deanna | October 25, 2006 at 02:21 PM
I'd like to see photos of you as Elmo smoking a cigarette. I'm sure that would freak out most of the kids in NYC (as well as their parents!) It's like when you go to Disney World and you see Mickey without a head.
Posted by: Brent | October 25, 2006 at 03:16 PM
"Gay Redneck Asian Nascar Driver"
O.K....? That's really wild. But it could work.
Posted by: creative-type dad | October 26, 2006 at 02:37 AM
In order for OG to let us brush her teeth, we use an Elmo toothbrush and say "OK, it is time to look for elmo"...she opens her mouth wide and we "hunt" for elmo in her mouth while brushing saying "I think I see him" or "Elmo, where are you".
We also were looking for houses a few wks ago...we have no stairs in our current house but all of the ones we were looking at DID. OG was mesmerized...the only way I could get her off of the steps and out of the house intot o the car to go to a new house to look was to say "ooh, I think Elmo is outside in the car, lets go look".
we are bad! And I swore I would never lie to my child either. OOPS.
PS. Sorry for any typos...I am at work and trying to do this quickly, I am not going back to spell check. :) ha I know you HATE errors in grammar.
Posted by: jules | October 26, 2006 at 03:41 PM
Thank you. It is 5:42 in the mornng (surely Satan's favourite time of day), and I'm holding a fitfully sleeping baby. I'm also laughing, thanks to your musings on "Blue's Clues."
Posted by: | October 28, 2006 at 05:46 AM
My husband taught our daughter to run around the house, grabbing her ass, and saying, "OH! MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!!" in as many different voices as possible. Pretty funny in an Adam Sandler voice actually.
You made me simultaneously glad that I don't ride the subway, and wish that I rode the subway.
Posted by: J | November 08, 2006 at 08:01 PM
m345k cingular wireless - http://thriftywestern.info/cingular-wireless/
Posted by: ro436ck | July 30, 2007 at 11:49 AM
Sorry I'm so late to the party, but re: Bert and Ernie: http://www.panopticist.com/2006/07/bert_and_ernies_tragic_gay_romance.html
Posted by: Matilda | March 28, 2008 at 02:46 PM