Text Messaging For Dummies

As I've mentioned before, I hate text messaging because every time I'm forced to use it, I feel like a Japanese schoolgirl.  All I need is a Picachu or a Hello Kitty knapsack and the transformation will be complete. 

Screw that!  I'm 37 years old.  You want to send me a message?  Pick up the phone and call me. 

However, I've got an eclectic (ok...weird) set of friends.  And most of them continue to text me because they know it annoys the crap out of me.  As  I was deleting the messages from my phone today, I uncovered some gems from the past year.  Here are some of my favorites...

.

"Hamptons in a blackout.  Send booze."

"THC seems to have had an effect (e or a?)...empirical evidence confirmed by my wife (your behavior, not mine)  She says you're 'cute'."

"You still up, old man?  I'm around the corner."

"Why does my bathroom smell like Shea Stadium?"

"Can you bring me a Starbucks skim vanilla latte?  No, I'm not gay."

"Dirka Dirka...call u later...mad busy sucking the fat out of people."

"Happy New Year from HK!  Do you have any resolutions yet?  Eat more foie gras has potential."

"Why do I spend every night of my life at Soho House?  Don't answer."

"Still in 1st stage of childbirth.  Wife is cursing like a fucking motherfucker! Normal?"

"The Eagle has landed.  Born 8:07 pm.  7 lb. 13 oz.  Scorpio. Year of the cock. Player at Large!"

"U want the shortribs. U need the shortribs."

"Do me a favor.  Find out the name of the actor who plays Bunk on The Wire.  He's in the bathroom stall next to me!"

"The butler didn't do it."

"Pendaison de cremaillere, bitch!"

"I like poo.  Do you?"

"There are no Jewish girls in Wisconsin."

"Ninjas killed my family.  Need money for karate lessons."

What's the most random text message that YOU ever received?  An inquiring mind wants to know.

*By the way, the idea of posting my text messages came from the indomitable Sarah Brown, who if you're not reading already, you really should be.  Have a nice weekend, everyone!  Seacrest out!

Comments

[Lee Marvin]

At least your msg's r legbl. The msgs frm my kids ned a decoder ring to undrstnd.

Cnt bleve im the 1st 2 post!

Holla!

[Kristen]

Those had me rolling. I loved the first childbirth one!!

[Deanna]

I like the last message the best!

Unfortunately, my husband is the only one who text messages me, and it's usually to tell me that he was just getting bread and were we out of bananas, too? I once sent him a message telling him that our daughter had barfed up while he was in a meeting at work. We are boooor-ring. :)

[sweatpantsmom]

I, too am text-messaging challenged. Mine always come out like 'sdkfjoeimldkmf'

A few days ago I got one that said, "They r chocolate!." Thinking it was some kinky marketing missive from an adult website, I deleted it.

Turns out it was from a friend of mine. We have a thing where we bring back a pack of exotic cigarettes from wherever we travel to. (We don't smoke, but when we get together for drinks we like to act like delinquent schoolgirls and sneak into an alley for a puff.) I had brought her back a pack from Japan with cool graphics on it and a matching lighter. She was texting me from a party where she had corralled a group of people outside to light one up, and turns out they were MADE OUT OF CHOCOLATE. Although the lighter was real. What lunatic packages candy cigarettes with a working lighter?

[Maniacal]

My absolute fav: Still in 1st stage of childbirth. Wife is cursing like a fucking motherfucker! Normal?

Love it!

[Leora]

"Eat more foie gras" might be one of the best new year's resolutsions ever!

[LannaGirl]

The message was "Ima get me some waffles." The sender? I have no idea.

A co-worker msg'd me once, "Come here and smell my hand." I did NOT take him up on that.

[candace]

I don't do the text thing. I wish I did because then maybe I'd get random shit like that on *my* phone. My favorites: "Hamptons in a blackout. Send booze," and, "Ninjas killed my family. Need money for karate lessons."

Did the same person send both of those?

[Ashley]

Your friends rule.

The most random text message I've received would have to be:

"today wal mart joined natl gay and lesbian chamber of commerce!"

My friends are just weird. And strangely into Wal-Mart.

Sarah Brown is totally indomitable! I worship at her feet.

[123Valerie]

So glad I found you through the Amalah/Claudia debacle! Thanks for opening up the depths of your text files to us.

I'll show you my friends' depth of depravity with this texting genius:

"Some guy behind me in traffic just picked his nose & ate it. yes!"

[The Zero Boss]

I'd love to read Sarah Brown, but she has no site feed. Therefore, she is dead to me.

I don't get many text messages from friends. It's part and parcel of not having many friends, I guess. The one I do remember getting in the past year simply said:

"That's what I thought."

I hate it when I miss the setup for a good joke.

[Lisa K.]

I found you through Amalah too and just spent the last two hours laughing my way through your archives. You seem like a great father and your family is gorgeous. I'm looking forward to reading more!

[Meg]

Yesterday: "Cover me! I'M GOING IN."

[desiree]

Hmmm. There was one about needing three teens: cafeine, nicotene, and epehedrine.

I mirror Lisa K. The cluadia debacle has turned me into a huge fan of yours. I love the bathroom stall guy. Did you ever get back to him in time?

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I got "Your Marching Team sucks."

[Tippy]

"He has good girth, and he shaves, but I can't tell on length."

PS Hi, I'm new here (from Amalah!) and I LOVE YOUR BLOG!

[nonlineargirl]

Two years ago (why do I keep these things?) my husband sent me a response to a crabby voicemail regarding my new job:

"And a happy happy day to you too. Hang in there, the job will get better, and many little pies will be yours soon!"

Six months later (when I was pregnant) a friend typed:

"We say celebrate the retch!"

[Melissa]

I am in the process of learning how to text. Right now it takes me five minutes, which is about 4 and a half too many. I like yours, especially this one "Dirka Dirka...call u later...mad busy sucking the fat out of people." Hell, I am pretty sure I even know who sent you that one.

Mine was from Hubby the other day and I apoligize in advance for the spelling. "K, so U told T Wrld I get BJ rite? K. Hld U t that. Luv Me."

I tent to delete them after a few days, or I'd have funnier ones. My friends text me all the dam time.

[s@bd]

I cannot believe how erudite your friends are when text messaging. If my friends could get it together and actually make a sentence or two, I might not mind it as much.

[xdm]

From my colleague while on a business trip. (And this is EXACTLY the way I received it correct grammar and all.)

"Good morning! In the line at Starbucks. Can I pick you up a Carmel Macchiatto? See you at the booth!"
My reply that took me about ten minutes.
"Yes. Wow U R good txtr"

[Waya]

I don't do text msging b/c it costs money on your cell dude! Call me if you need something. If you have T-Mobile, it's even better. No minutes used. I have 3 kids for crying out loud, must.be.frugal!

[Emily]

The Ninja's one made me pee my pants a little bit. My favorite one from friend was "do you think anyone would notice if I locked my boss in a closet, just for the day?"

[kristin]

I know not of this "text messaging" of which you speak... if you mean the odd words like,"douneeedstuffrumstor?" then I would have to say my weridest text is anything my husband is trying to say.

[Phil]

More proof that I am not cool... The only text message I've ever received, in six years of owning a cell phone, was an ad from Verizon.

[Mike]

I'm the sender of random text messages:

Dudes, have you ever had such an immense poo that it feels like you literally lost 5 pounds and now have an added 6" to you vertical leap?

Does it bother you that I am texting you while at the urinal? Or does it bother you more that with penis in hand, I thought to contact you?

Hey Joe, I woke up at this chick's house, how the hell do I get home from here?

Pastor Paul, in addition to being Our Lord and Savior, you have to admit the Jesus was tree hugging liberal.

Hi Mom. Can't talk, at bar. Trying to see if this girl will let me impregnate her with your grandchild.

(Never ever text Mom drunk.)

Walk to your window and wave, I'm naked!

[Papa Bradstein]

Last week, don't know the sender: Help! I'm a Japanese schoolgirl, trapped in 37-year-old Korean father's body. Send scotch.

[tanyetta]

Message from my car-less cousin:

Never try to pick up a chick driving a range rover when you're at the bus stop! LOL

[samantha Jo Campen]

I'm not cool with the texting, but yours are freaking hilarious!

(And PB totally nailed you on that one!)

[Queen of Ass]

LMAO The fucking motherfucker one should be framed!

[Kathy]

eorgegay ushbay uckssay ickday

[Liberal Banana]

Why does Seacrest not say "Seacrest out!" anymore?? That used to be our favorite part of the week...

Anyway, I don't get weird text messages - although after reading this post I kind of wish I did. A photographer that I did some shots with one afternoon sent me an SMS like 6 weeks later that said "Whats your address" and nothing more. I figured it was him but I wrote back and was like "WHO IS THIS?" to let him know how inappropriate I thought it was for him to ASSUME that I knew who was messaging me and just send my address to anyone who asks for it. Weirdo.

[mrs mogul]

I know about the text thing, some people are really into that and refuse to pick up the phone. What's going to happen in the year 2050? Holographic images fly up in your face with text reading, "Meet me for libations at the Mars Sexy Bar?"

[Grins]

MD in the words of a post of my own this year...Text Messaging is the Work of Satan. http://grinsnlaughter.com/?p=50

[honglien123]

:sigh: I only get text messages from work ranging from

"emm server space error" to
"p134"

I don't know what those mean either and but they're usually served on Saturdays when I'm having fun. Yours sound way cooler. I love the ones that seem to be from your doctor friend.

[honglien123]

PS I have been to Wisconsin (over a dozen times! damn work) and I can confirm that there are indeed no jewish girls in Wisconsin (or very many non-white ones in general).

[Mom101]

I was just thinking how sad I was that I no longer have the cell phone I used when Nate and I first started dating because he texted me all the time. He was working at Balthazar and it was mostly funny gossipy stuff about the restaurant.

I do remember: Cojo is here. He says hi!

[JG]

Dad what is propaganda

Nee a professional opinion ...strip club or midget wrestling?

Oooh i love porn

Was it a bar bathroom? Things look bigger when you're drunk and gay.

[mrsfortune]

"Yo Tor this be P. Happy Valentine's Day, Boo."

My phone number apparently used to belong to a whore named Victoria, whose friends call her "Tori" which happens to rhyme with my own name, so I get a lot of calls for her and when they say "can I speak to Tori" I think they mean me and I say "this is" and a lot of confusion arises.

Anyway, there ARE jewish girls in Wisconsin. And your friends sure make with the punctuation in the text messages.

[amyjami]

"this song is playing in the elevator to hell"

[bgkahuna]

Very funny. I posted the first paragraph on my blog stating that it was found on the web.

[Henri]

Here one I sent a few years ago.

"Jus kild famly, mus stop Metrodad frm payng 4 vengence karate lessns"

[Mr. Grumpy]

‘I believe your desire to tongue fuck me into a coma was sent to the wrong phone. Its a nice offer but my husband is the jealous type.’

After that I decided dyslexia and texting were mutually exclusive.

[Tony]

I sent this to a fellow odd friend from a train model shop in Burbank

"Gary Coleman is IN DA' HOUSE, BE-Yatch!"

[oncRN]

just found out about this for the text naive - no doubt staffed by japanese schoolgirls...
http://www.noslang.com

[diftwarfdrund[a..z]wa]

i am new to here,i glad to see you all!!!

[odollocainona]

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