Not all moonbeams, unicorns and sippy cups...

For the past month, I've been dealing with an enormous amount of stress at work.  I've had a constant migraine.  My hair feels like it's falling out in bunches.  And even the knots in my shoulders have knots!  If I were to visit a physician, he'd probably tell me that these knots were Gordian in nature (actually, that diagnosis would probably be better left to a Macedonian philosopher, wouldn't it?  Hmm, I wonder whether my health insurance covers co-payments to Macedonian philosophers.  Doubtful.  Fuckers won't even cover the cost of my therapy!)

To make a long story short, instead of giving myself a big bonus at the end of this year and taking a long vacation on a nice beach in Tahiti, I'll most likely be giving my beloved employees bonuses out of my own pocket and, instead of Tahiti, BossLady, Peanut and I will probably be spending the Christmas holidays at the Vince Lombardi service station on the N.J. Turnpike. 

If any of you are travelling on I-95 over the holidays, please stop by and say hi! 

Once, when BossLady and I were driving cross-country, we actually spent a night at the Vince Lombardi rest stop sleeping in a cargo van.  Based on that singular experience, I'm thinking that there are probably worse places to spend the holidays (like my in-laws' house in Texas.  Don't get me wrong.  I love them IMMENSELY but they have no cable TV, no internet access, and no alcohol.  It's like vacationing with the Amish.)  On the other hand, Mr. Lombardi's rest stop has ALL of those things. Plus a Taco Bell, a Bob's Big Boy, and a Roy Rogers!  Shazaam!  A perfect Trifecta! 

This reminds me.  A friend of mine owns several Arby's in Chicago.  Since he actually inherited all of them and looks very young for his age, we used to call him Abe Frohman, the sausage king of Chicago (if you're under the age of 30, you're probably not going to get that joke.)  Anyway, "Abe" has always told us that we should avoid Arby's whenever possible.  Apparently, the meat is not always 100% beef and they paint the grill marks on the ribs so it looks like they were actually cooked on a bbq.  I won't even discuss what's in the horsey sauce!  Anyway, "Abe" also told us that, as bad as Arby's may be, studies have shown that the Roy Roger's Fixins Bar is a disgusting repository of germs and bacteria, some of which have probably yet to be discovered.  Awesome! 

What the fuck was I talking about again?  Oh yes...stress.   

Life used to be so much easier, didn't it?  Remember those halcyon days of yore?  When the toughest decision of your day was what to put on your pizza?  God damn, I miss those times.

Now, everything is so complicated and stressful. Career. Work. Mortgage. Tuition. Retirement plans. Taxes. Credit card bills. FUCK ME! 

Sometimes, I feel like quitting my job, selling our apartment in Manhattan, moving to Jamaica and buying a little tropical shack on the beach.  I could be a coconut farmer.  BossLady could sell trinkets to tourists. And Peanut would be the cutest little Korean Rastafarian on the planet.  Wouldn't that be lovely?

But then I remember that I love central air conditioning, foie gras, wireless internet service, Frette sheets, sushi, cashmere sweaters, and German cars.  Also, I'd look absolutely ridiculous with dred locks.  Fuck!  Back to the salt mines!

Whenever I get this stressed out, I like to employ one of my favorite relaxation activities. You know, the one called GIANT GLASS OF SCOTCH!  (God bless you, Dr. Johnnie Walker!  You're not only the best therapist I've ever had but you've also done more for me than Prozac ever could!)

Now, I'm man enough to admit that I'm pretty miserable to be around right now and am really not suitable for adult company.  This morning, the Boss Lady innocently asked me to throw away some of the twenty New Yorker magazines that have been by the side of my bed for a month and I almost bit her head off.  I think my exact words were, "GOOD LORD!  STOP NAGGING ME, WOMAN, AND LEAVE ME ALONE!  I HATE MY LIFE!" 

If only I were kidding...

I witnessed first-hand how my father's daily stress affected my relationship with him so I've always sworn that I would never allow that to happen with me and the Peanut.  This is something that's very important to me.  At the end of the day, I can always apologize to the BossLady for being a pain in the ass.  But young toddlers don't really understand it when Daddy's getting his ass kicked at work and is just not himself. 

So tonight, I decided to have a special Father/Daughter date night.  When I picked The Peanut up from daycare, she wrapped her little arms around my neck and gave me a giant bear hug.  The two of us held hands and took a long walk around the neighborhood.  Then, we ended up at our favorite sushi restaurant.  It's a local joint where everyone knows us well and the whole staff always comes over to play with the Peanut.  We both love this place.  Peanut loves their miso soup and Agedashi tofu.  I love their enormous sake collection and the fact that they fly their fish in from Japan on a daily basis. 

The two of us had a great time.  There's nothing like spending quality time with your child to make you forget all your problems.  A few hours talking nonsense with the Peanut and having sword fights with our chopsticks was the best therapy in the world.  How stressed out can you be when your daughter is feeding you soup?  If you don't have kids, there's no way in a million years that I can even begin to explain how life-affirming the whole experience was.

But if a picture says a thousand words...

Updated 9/22/06:  You know how lightning never strikes the same place twice?  Well, I shouldn't have pushed my luck, my friends.  Last night, we took the Peanut out for dinner.  Whereas the night before, she was a dinner companion nonpareil, yesterday she was the model of vexation.  I'm talking total nuclear meltdown.  The lie-on-your-stomach-and-flail-your-arms-screaming type of meltdown.  You know what I'm talking about, right?  Fun times.  Anyway, thank you all for your words of encouragement.  As always, I'm humbled by your kindness. 

Comments

[Mom101]

It sounds as if you're handling the stress as well as can be expected - with humor, insight and daddy/daughter time.

You're too cool for giving out those bonuses by the way.

And I've been to that rest stop many times. In fact, just last month I was there twice. Do you know they have a Starbucks there now too? And a little bakery counter? Or wait, maybe that's the one that used to be the Howard Stern rest stop.

[Kristen]

Oh man, MD. Sorry things are so stressful. The daddy-daughter time sounds like the right prescription to me.

But I also like your idea about moving to Jamaica.

[mrsfortune]

Those bonuses will get you far though. I hope. Further than New Jersey. Maybe.

So what IS in that horsey sauce? Please tell, cuz I do love me some Arby's.

Abe Frohman. Choice.

[mo-wo]

Gawd, MD. Can we help? I was especially concerned at the Johnnie Walker part. Fuck.. let me know where the pay pal link is for the Lagavulin fund. Don't want it to get too serious.

ps. I would be happy to see the kitten poster

[metro mama]

She's beautiful.

I hope work gets better soon.

[Julie P.]

I laughed reading your update from today, MD. My husband and I always joke about how it's a total crapshoot whenever we walk into a restaurant. We don't know if our boys are going to be little gentlemen or if they're going to be running around screaming and terrorizing everyone in the restaurant. It's a surprise every time. Welcome to parenthood.

[momto3cubs]

September is kicking my ass too. I don't deal well with fall and winter. I fantasize about ditching all this for a one way flight to Maui, living on the beach (which is not illegal there), and drinking Lava Flows at Cheeseburgers in Paradise in Lahaina.

Speaking of Vince Lombardi, spend the holiday here in Wisconsin and I'll show you around Lambeau Field. We'll introduce Peanut to Johnsonville brats (the kind you eat, not the tantruming ones).

[sweatpantsmom]

Sorry you're in a funk, MD. For me, one of the most stressful things about having a business was taking care of my employees. Now, it's just me and I feel like firing my own lazy ass on a daily basis.

(The Peanut looks like she's enjoying her miso soup. As for your update, she was just probably trying to make sure you don't get too cocky and thinking you're the boss of her.)

[samantha Jo Campen]

Work stress sucks. I think more than financial stress, at times. I'm feelin' it over here too. Must be something going around.

Hang in there.

BTW--hubby is in NYC this weekend. I told him to walk past your neighborhood and wave for me :-)

[enygma]

This week was the worst week. Ever. One back-to-school night where only 8 parents showed up. Eight TOTAL out of four classes of kids. Add to the mix two volleyball games and three volleyball practices and kids giving me lip and backtalk. I was so looking forward to Happy Hour today but I'm SICK so I couldn't go. My only consolation is the fact that I don't have to wake up early to run practice tomorrow.

[Pecos bluee]

Thank you for the great post. We too are in stress in the moment and I will take the adivce to not less this pass to our peanut too.

[George]

I love your perspective on life. Thank you for sharing. I'll try to remember this the next time I get stressed out and want to bang my head against a wall.

[panthergirl]

I could have written that post, except for the BossLady part (I don't even have a BossMan to misdirect my anger at) and the Peanut part (instead I've got a Walnut, who can go from angel to devil-spawn in a single bound.)

This past week I was thinking that I want to move to someplace where I can live cheaply enough to have a mindless part-time job, still pay my bills, and spend the rest of my time writing, playing tennis and golf, and generally enjoying life and being nice to my kid(s).

Not likely.

And I don't drink, so I'm a slave to Xanax.

[misfithausfrau]

Abe Frohman--Bwaahhahaa!

Sounds to me like you need a spa weekend with Boss Lady. Due to our sucky summer and current autumn, I am planning a surprise trip for Herr to some warm Caribbean place for November. We know our girls are feeding on our stress and some time away might change our attitude.

[Chocolate Makes It Better]

Mate I quite often have old Mr Walker round my place for a snifter or two.

You gotta have a comfy chair to slouch into though.

Nothing quite like a slouching Johnnie Walker.

[honglien123]

I won't share my miseries with you since I don't actually believe that misery loves company, but I'll certainly toast my mango juice to you. (Sorry, I don't really drink, and that's as special as it gets in my house.)

[AdventureDad]

No alcohol at the in-laws place?? Holy shit! You should sell you place and move to Sweden. Most relaxed place on earth to raise a child, even with my mega stressful job.

How are your workouts going? That tends to relax me a lot. I need an outlet for all anger from various places and prefer not to give it to the wife or our kids.

Hope things get better soon!

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