Chaos Theory

It's a busy week again here at Casa MetroDad.  Work is busy.  My MIL is in town.  And Lord knows my DVR is bursting at the seams.  Therefore, posting may be a little light.  However, as usual, I've got some random things on my mind so I thought I'd spew them out all at once.  Here goes...

METHINKS THOU ART QUITE STRANGE!  I BID YOU ANON!

I had a salesman in my office on Friday who was trying to get my business.  He was a really nice guy so we started shooting the shit about non-work related topics.  I was talking about the Peanut.  He was telling me about his kids.  We talked a little about sports. When I asked him what he was doing over the weekend, he told me he was going to a Renaissance Faire.  I thought this was pretty funny and assumed he was going for the campiness factor.  You know, spend a few hours outdoors, drink a few beers, watch a joust.  Then, he proceeds to tell me about how he and his whole family dress up in costume and speak in medieval tongue EVERY weekend.  I thought he was kidding until he showed me the photos. I don't know whether he looked more like a gay Musketeer or the illegitimate love child of Friar Tuck and Falstaff.

Seriously? I think I'd rather do business with a Trekkie.

THE WRATH OF GRAPES

I let my daughter eat off the floor, hang off the bars at the jungle gym, run wildly through the streets of NYC, jump headfirst off the couch, and play with scissors.  So can someone please explain to me why I completely freak out when she gets within 10 feet of an unpeeled grape?

WHEN ELMO AND OPPORTUNITY KNOCK

I wasn't a parent when previous fads such as Cabbage Patch Kids, Beanie Babies, or Power Rangers became the must-have gift of the holiday season.  The whole concept of a "must-have" gift is so foreign to me.  Owing to my parents' immigrant status, the holidays weren't a big deal in our home.  Usually, on Christmas, I'd either get a $20 bill or a new book.  Yes, it was slightly traumatic at the time.  However, watching people go nuts to buy stuff during the holidays always amazed us!  Who would sleep in the parking lot of Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving so they could get their hands on a TOY?  White people are so funny sometimes, no? 

Anyway, by now, most of you have heard about the hysteria surrounding the release of TMX Elmo.  The latest version of the Tickle-Me Elmo doll is retailing for about $39.99.  However, due to limited supply, sellers on E-Bay are already listing the toy for $150.  Holy crap!  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  BossLady and I just bought 12 TMX Elmos.  If we sell them for $150 each, we'll make a profit of $1,320.  That should be just enough money for us to check into the Ritz-Carlton, order in room service, and tickle each other extremely for a few days!  God bless that little furry red bastard!

MY NAME IS EARL...OF SANDWICH

My mother-in-law is visiting us this week so I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room.  I love my MIL to death so I don't really mind.  Besides, I tend to stay up late so it works out just fine. The weird thing is that when I sleep on the couch, I can see into my neighbors' apartments across the street.  The other night, as I was reading, I noticed someone making a sandwich at 2:00 am.  Definitely my kind of guy. I'm a big fan of the late-night hoagie and I have enormous respect for my fellow stoner chefs.  But then, I started thinking about what kind of sandwich the guy was making.  What if it was brie and green apple on a baguette?  What if it was black trumpet mushrooms with white truffle fondue on a ciabatta roll?  Or worse, what if he was making a sandwich with goat cheese?  Ewww!  Then, of course, my opinion of the neighbor would be COMPLETELY different. 

I was literally so preoccupied with all this that I was just about to rummage through the closet to find our binoculars when I decided I should probably just go to bed...but not until after making a sandwich.  Peanut butter & jelly, thank you very much.   

HOME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY

I am not a handy man.  I am very useful in many other ways.  If you want to know where to get the best Moroccan food in NYC, need someone to give a speech at a wedding, or are curious about what kind of wine goes best with pizza, I am definitely your man.  However, when it comes to household chores, I am generally useless.  Last week, I actually paid someone to come over and change the lightbulbs in our den because the last time I tried to do this, I ended up ripping the fixtures out of the ceiling. 

Now, BossLady and I are discussing redoing our kitchen.  During the total gut renovation of our apartment a few years ago, we ran out of money before we got to the kitchen.  Yet, somehow, I have it in my head that I can singlehandledly do it by myself with some help from my friends at Ikea. Thankfully, my lovely wife reminded me not only about the lightbulb incident but also about the time where I was convinced I could repaint our old apartment by myself and we ended up sleeping on the floor for two months. 

So we've decided that we're just going to save some money and have someone professionally renovate our kitchen.  At our current rate of savings, we think that should be somewhere around 2026.  However, if anyone out there would like to swap manual labor for some witty repartee, please e-mail me immediately. 

CURRENTLY ENJOYING MUCH MORE THAN I'D LIKE TO ADMIT

1. The latest incarnation of "Survivor: Cook Islands" where the teams are divided by ethnicity.  I like to call the show "Survivor: KKKooK Isands" but somehow I can't stop watching it.  As famed rock thespian Tommy Lee might say, the entire show just feels like it's "sauteed in wrong sauce."  How can something so wrong feel so right? 

2. Although the Peanut is just shy of her 2nd birthday, we've recently introduced the concept of potty training by buying her a book titled "Too Big For Diapers," (starring Ernie of the ambiguosly gay duo Bert & Ernie.)  Since the Peanut adores Ernie, she's become obsessed with the book.  Now, she likes to run up to me and whisper in my ear, "poo poo in the potty."  She knows it cracks me up so every time she says it, the two of us laugh hilariously.  At this rate, she should be potty trained by the time she enters junior high.

3. Redi-Whip.  Since I'm still doing Atkins and have eschewed carbs, I no longer indulge in Oreos.  But did you know that Redi-Whip has no carbs?  More than once, I have found myself standing by the refrigerator shooting whipped cream directly into my mouth.  There are very few things in life that will make you feel like a 5-year old again.  This is one of them. 

4. Is anyone else besides me a little TOO excited about the fact that dictionary.com has a new graphic user interface?  Seriously, I feel like I've been sauteed in awesome sauce!  When I saw the new look, I practically squealed with delight.  By the way, speaking of dictionaries, I'm currently obsessed with my new favorite word, "ersatz."  I've been trying to use it in conversation lately but have been totally spazzing out so I thought I'd put it here on the internet. 

Have a great week, everyone!

Comments

[Jonathon]

Ha! Good luck with the potty training, dude. We tried training Little-E before she'd taken any real interest in peeing anyplace in particular and got nowhere.

After a couple weeks we thought, I KNOW, let's just have her wear underwear instead of diapers.

Yep. Ended up with piss on the floor at a number a few department stores, my car, and our couch. Not so cool, Dad. Not so cool.

PS: What's the deal with unpeeled grapes?

[Jonathon]

Oops. Sorry about the typo. I meant, "a few department stores" NOT "a number a few department stores"

Ah, whatever. Think I'm a dumb ass if you must.

[metro mama]

Atkins is hell.

I'm the same way with the grapes. I still cut them in 4.

[IFLYG]

Of course, if you aren't able to flog all those Elmos, you could have a pretty decent hallalujah chorus, or an audience for your amateur stand-up routine, or some buds to watch football with, or...

[johnsondaw]

My BIL sprayed some whipped cream into my toddler's mouth at a party this summer, and now whenever she spots a can of ReddiWhip in the fridge, she grabs it and tries to suck out the creamy goodness. Thanks, bro.
In re the sandwich post, I once noticed in one of your photos that you guys didn't have window treatments in your living room. What's it like to live in a fish bowl? (I would become a constant nighttime voyeur! It's gotta be like watching reality tv, only without the editing).

[starrynite]

I remember doing a crossword puzzle with my ex-boyfriend (we were together at the time). He was (is still) a physics and techie genius, which just leaves me standing, speechless, mouth agape with complete lack of knowledge and knowhow by comparison. But I am good with words. And despite his obvious areas of specialism, he still couldn't deal with the fact that I might know more than him.

The answer to one of the crossword clues was 'ersatz'. We argued and ultimately had to look it up in the dictionary to prove it wasn't a word of my own invention.

He's getting married on Saturday. Good luck to her, is what I say!

[L.A. Daddy]

Hey, MetroDad - as my day job has me involved with renovation advice (check out my work blog at http://www.constructiondeal.com/blog), make sure you get several bids on your job.

Going with just the home improvement store (IKEA, Home D, etc.) can end up costing more or affecting quality (they sub it out, don't pay them very much, and so the work is sometimes rushed. Also, you have to deal with all their products and not a mix-and-match of the best products.)

Anyway, let me know if you have any questions on it.

[the weirdgirl]

You don't like goat cheese?!

[Pattie]

Ah, where to begin?

If you were local, I'd recommend our contractor. He's doing our Florida room remodel and will do our kitchen remodel when we, too, can afford to do it; 2026 sounds about right.

I'll go ahead and recommend Once Upon a Potty for Girls and Everybody Poops for potty training books; when I worked at B&N, those seemed to be the gold standard that all parents wanted. Oh, and The Gas We Pass simply because I think you and the Peanut will find it incredibly amusing.

Lastly, I'll go ahead and caution you about the Atkins diet--Rich swears that's why he developed kidney stones. Now that was a fun drive to the hospital. I set a land-speed record that day. Because the husband was in excruciating pain, you ask? That was part of it. But mostly, I didn't want him vomiting in my still-new car.

[nonlineargirl]

Doesn't cool whip have sugar in it? I thought sugar was a no-no for Atkins.

[abba-daddy]

5 year old exitment - try sharpen pencils - the pink ons work the best

btw, i love coming here - u make my afternoon

[Queen of Ass]

There are no middle schoolers I know of that still wear pull ups. Yet.

[Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom]

Chaotic but extremely cute post! Enjoy your MIL.

You make my day!

[Deanna]

MD - It's time to invest in a DVD copy of "Elmo's Potty Time". 48 hours after watching that thing, the Munchkin began pooping regularly in the potty. Granted, she's nearly 3 and a bit older than the Peanut, but I swear that if Elmo commanded her to jump off a building, she'd do it. Furry red bastard, indeed. Though I totally LOVE your TMX Elmo scheme! Don't list them on eBay until November, though... when people are really starting to sweat about whether or not they're going to be able to get one.

I cut the grapes in half lengthwise. The peel has lots of vitamins!

I call my Dad for all my handy work. We own a rachet set, an electric drill and extra bits for it, but he owns a tablesaw, a lathe, and a belt sander.

[dear wife]

One bit of advice on a kitchen remodel. Remember to put mone in that budget for a lot of take out. I think that ended up costing us as much as the remodel. Luckily my parents came out to help us complete our project so it only took us about a month. I feel you on that guilty pleasure TV. Mine is Americas Next Top Model. I know it is horrible and against all i stand for, but I cannot help but watch it.

[L.]

Whattya got against people who eat goat cheese late at night???

(Yes, you struck a nerve.)

[Mike]

You have A DOZEN (!) TMX Elmo's? They are getting quite sophisticated,MD, and with a few good hacks you can have your own minions! Just think of the possibilities (MWUHAHAHAHA!)

*Choke on a grape Elmo!
*Comment on my blog Elmo!
*Wipe my kid's ass Elmo!
*Correct my grammar Elmo!
*Blog Plagiarizing, MySpace AssHat Eliminator Elmo!
*Mount the Roomba Elmo!
*Entertain the MIL Elmo!
*Remodel My Kitchen Elmo!
*Bring me muh Scotch Elmo!
*Wash My Damn Feet Elmo!
*GTD Elmo!
*Block rude commenter IP address Elmo! (Wishing you had that about now, yes?)

Little, red, fuzzy minions I tell you. Forget about eBay and put those squeaking hairballs to work!

[Mom101]

You and me with the grapes! I think it's because your kid cannot CHOKE TO DEATH IN FRONT OF YOU on subway germs. Choking is my biggest fear. I can hardly even write it here for fear of tempting the tracheal gods.

I guarantee you that once I move to LA there will be plenty of ersatz stuff to discuss.

[Sal]

I knew I liked you, but getting excited about dictionary.com just brought you to the top five among my favorite people in the world...

you rock!

[Velma]

Chaos Commenting:

I do the E-Bay stock up all the time. Wiggles tickets are particularly good sellers.

"Ersatz" is indeed an excellent, excellent word, but why are you hating on the goat cheese? Goat cheese never did anything to you...unless you happen to be lactose intolerant, in which case I apologize.

"Too Big for Diapers" is a classic in our house. The whole "wrap the potty up like a present" thing led to some confusion last Christmas, but we got that sorted out.

Fear the grapes! They really are a choking hazard and kids die regularly from eating them, unlike the whole "Mikey from the Life cereal commercial ate Pop-Rocks and then drank a Coke and his stomach exploded" thing. It's fine to let your kids do that.

[Momish]

Ok, so I actually did the midieval renaissance thing. It was when I first moved to New Mexico and needed friends desperately. Gotta say, some of it was fun in a totally-escape-from-reality way. But, everyone I met just went a tad too far with it, as you can imagine. Needless to say, I quickly found new, normal friends! As for the new graphic interface on dictionary.com? I'm drooling! It makes my word of the day all the better!

[Leora]

Need I say how awesome the titles of your mini-posts are? My favorite was "Home wasn't built in a day." I read that before I left the office and it still made me chuckle in the car ride home. Thanks, MD. Hope things lighten up for you soon.

[Waya]

Did that Renaissance man actually use the word "wench" in your conversation?

DVR-we just subscribed to it from our cable company. A couch potato's dream. And I'm the same with Survivor. I'm so hooked b/c of the set up too.

Potty train-all I can say is go cold turkey. That's what we did with our 2nd son, and it worked. The first child,Tyler, was harder, he was almost 4! So good luck!

Enjoy your time with MIL! I'm sure she loves you to death too. How can she not?!

[Mr. Big Dubya]

Hmmm - ersatz, huh? Well, this was certainly an ersatz post to hold the regular readers over until things calm down at Casa Metro, wouldn't you say? It;s like dipping into the mail bag while deeper posts ferment (foment?).

[honglien123]

You know, considering some guy at a Target in bumfuck nowhere pulled a gun on someone over the TMX Elmo the other day (was on CNN.com somewhere), I don't think $150 is too much to ask for the safety that eBay shopping can provide. I detest ersatz demand created by corporations through hype and marketing, so I'll probably abstain from buying one myself. Besides, we've got two different Tickle Me Elmo's already and both kids get freaked out by them.

Good luck with the potty training by the way, if you need some potty training books for girls, I've got some you can have (I'll even ship to you for free) since I think they'll just confuse my little boy.

[misfithausfrau]

Sooo, would you be designing sportswear for Trekkies or would they be supplying you the bitchin material? Imagine the possibilities!!!

P.S. I don't peel the grapes, but I cut them in quarters. And popcorn? Forget about it!

[Melissa]

We have all been trained that the thing that will kill our kid is un-peeled grapes. Truly, I've never heard of some kid dying of un-peeled grapes, but we have to be sure. I'm so bad I'll hand my kid a hot dog un-cut and peel her dam grapes.

Since this is the first Christmas where the Peanut will probably play with her toys instead of the wrappings, I realize the crazyness is new to you. But just wait until the ONLY gift your child wants is the Big Titted Barbie with Purple wings and the matching purple horse with the tree up it's ass, then you will see. Not that she played with it for longer than 2 days, but that's another story. Until then...wait till the week before Christmas and sell those Elmo's. But keep one and sell it on Christmas Eve, you could get $500 for it.

Oh and where can I get the best Moroccan food in NYC? I know where in LA, SF and Denver, I think I should know in NYC too.

[Just Linda]

Hey, Metrodad... I'm hanging in NYC all this week on business. Thought I'd come by and say "Hi" (although? I come by and say "hi" the exact same way from 1000 miles to the west haha).

[Xdm]

You know what would make you feel MORE like a 5 year old? If I socked you in the stomach while you had your head back sucking down redi whip. Be warned though, the sock usually results in redi whip spew that is really sticky all over the fridge and pisses off mom. Be warned.

[JJ Daddy-O]

Why am I seeing a picture in my head of MD on December 26th, large glass of Tamdhu in hand, waving his arms wildly, leading a rousing chorus of "Lili Marlene" by a handful of unsold TMX Elmos? Must be the ersatz Bacon Chili Cheesburger I had at lunch causing me halucinations.....

[dutch from sweet juniper]

I would go to a renaissance faire if I could dress like a knight and bash dorky motherfuckers with a padded cudgel.

[creative-type dad (Tony)]

Renaissance Faire..oh man, those people are freaks.
And so are Trekkie's.

There's just so much 'wrong' in this world.

[s@bd]

you are one funny, funny man.

[wood from sweetjuniper]

these posts are always my favorites.

and grapes: it's good you've stayed away from them, not for the choking hazard, but because it's pretty much all our kid has consisted on for the last few months. Her love for the grape (called "appie" because I guess she thinks they're small apples) is intense. and a little annoying.

[A. Tsai]

My family used to be fascinated when we watched the news during the holidays and look at all the people sleeping in parking lots and stampeding to buy their holiday gifts. Because we were immigrants too, we could never understand this phenomenon. We would always try to look for Asians in the crowd but would never see any. What do you think that means?

[lisa]

When my teen nephews are over, they watch Youtube for hours on end, watching "larping", and laugh their asses off. I told them that if I ever catch them larping, that's where I draw the line. I will kick their little asses myself. That is just not cool. Go breakdance or something.

[Mike]

Oh dear sweet Linus, where to start:

1. People who go to Renaissance Festivals, Fairs, Faires, Fayres or however else those fruitcakes spell are deluded. Unless they have cool things like public executions, Black Death or witch burnings I wouldn't tolerate one. The past is the past and let it be. You don't see African-Americans in any rush to re-enact their past. And by that I mean the '70's. Butterfly collars must be hard to come by lately.

People dressing up for anything outside of Halloween, fun times in the bedroom and pimp & 'ho parties is just plain wrong.

2. You freak out about an unpeel grape and I am sure you feed you child rancid fermented cabbage. Good job.

3. I am opposed to TIckle Me Elmo's. I beleive they imprint children with a sense of inappropriate touching at young age.

4. The only thing worse than the loner pervert that eveyrone suspects of being a peeping tom pervert, is the pervert who has a wife, family and job, whom the neighbors will look into the WPIX cameras and say "He seemed like such a nice young man, I think he owned a chain of dry cleaners, I didn't think at all he was a sociopathic voyuer pervert." Just close the blinds, hyung.

5. Why don't you get some undocumented kitchen refurbishers? It's really not that hard to reroute a gas line for a Viking range and install a hood. Wait, you were raised in the city, huh? See if you were raised in the country like me, your father would have made you do all these home improvements.

6. You're just keeping Redi-Whip in the kitchen and not using it for a) The nitrous or b) "activities"?

Life ends at marriage huh? OK, that's wrong since having a family and stuff seems wonderful. So having your own life ends at marriage?

[LIra]

I admit it. I can't stop watching Survivor either. I find myself jumping up and down rooting for the Asian team. Funny thing is that I used to HATE that show. Such mindless drivel. Now, I love it. How sad!

[Brent]

Thank you for totally cracking me up and making my day. This was hilarious. My brother is a Renaissance Fair freak. I rag on him constantly. I'm going to have to send him this post.

[2DogsandABaby]

Grapes...the kid loves 'em, peeled or unpeeled. He's been gagging on them a lot lateley, but barely allows time to wash, let alone peel the grapes. I can see your fear of choking. Added benefit of peeling: no diaper full of undigested grape skins.

Of course, if you are successful at potty training, you don't have to worry about the diaper full of skins and you can let the peanut eat the whole grapes.

Does Ernie pee sitting down?

Those Faire folks are FREAKS! Stay away from them.

By giving away your elmo secret, you've blown your corner on the market. Now, all your readers will do the same and bring the resale value down.

Bong hits (even those vicariously held in through the neighbors) and late-night sandwiches are not part of the atkins diet.

[MonkeyMama]

I too have the grape choking fear. All those stories about kids choking on them totally freak me out. One local child choked to death on a grape and he was almost 5! That's what made me institute the "no grape" policy in our home...until the kids are 18. Then, they're free to do whatever they want!

[momto3cubs]

Loved every word of it, thanks!

As for the grapes, just cut them in half lengthwise, no worries. Cut EVERYTHING in half lengthwise (hot dogs are what scare me).

Don't waste much energy and time on potty training - they do it when they are darn good and ready and WANT to do it. And it's always before they go to kindergarten. Doesn't matter if it's age 2 or age 4 - it won't be a question on her college applications.

[Kristen]

Hey, your grape fear is totally warranted. My brother choked on a grape as a kid...to the point where his face was purple and my mom's hands were dialing 911 AND reaching down his throat simultaneously. Of course, he's fine and all...but I think the experience shaved a few years off all of our lives.

[Liz]

Wherever did you manage to find that elmo doll? I want to get one for my niece (new sib is on the way very soon) and I've been looking for it everywhere in NYC! Thanks!

[Samantha]

I once dated a guy who ate the most feminine sandwiches. Everything would be either veggie or cheese and tomato or even tofu bacon. I'm a South Philly girl. There's no way THAT relationship was going to work. Real men should eat real sandwiches! Like philly cheese steaks or grinders.

[sweatpantsmom]

We were at a party this summer and they served quesadillas made with GOAT CHEESE, portobello mushroooms and something else chopped up in there - probably some bits of Prada bag.

It wasn't bad, but it felt so...wrong. I was like, "What the hell - where's the monterey jack, jalapenos and salsa?"

[Ian]

Renaissance fair groupies, Trekkies, people who put goat cheese on sandwiches, TMX Elmo...I'm with you, MD. Just don't understand. Nor do I want to.

[Her Bad Mother]

Did he pronounce it Re-NAY-ssance? Because you would have been well within your rights to cudgel him then and there.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

I've been trying to use your new word for the past ten minutes. I'm pretty much muttering to myself at this point. Thanks a lot.

[something blue]

I love me some randomness. PB&J is sautéed in delicious sauce. Why do I find it so hard to insert Tommyisms? I bow down to you.

Having a professional renovate your kitchen is pure brilliance. I wish my husband was struck with this epiphany so that our bathroom sink wasn't collecting clutter in our kitchen. Renovations are hell.