Open Letter to Popeye's Spicy Fried Chicken

Dear Popeyes Spicy Fried Chicken,

This is one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write and I've been struggling with it for weeks.  I know you've picked up on the vibe that I've been ignoring you lately.  Please trust me that a letter is the last way that I wanted to communicate with you.  I just didn't have the courage to face you in person. 

I know. I'm a fucking coward. 

Of all the loves I've had in my life, you were one of the best.  I know I've claimed this very sentiment to others before but you really are special. There's something truly magical about you.  Maybe it's your delectable skin.  Or your crispy personality.  Or that spicy insouciance that drives me wild with passion. 

I know we met under weird circumstances.  However, I'll never forget (nor will I ever regret) that first night when we shared my bed together, along with your friends, dirty rice and hot biscuit.  I thought it was just a one-time orgy thing and that, afterwards, we'd all go our separate ways.  Sure, maybe we'd run into each other on Chambers Street but I assumed that we'd just pretend as if we'd never met. 

But I couldn't get you out of my mind. 

So like Troilus and Cressida, we began our epic relationship.  There were those times when we'd see each other almost every day.  It's as if we couldn't get enough of one another.  Passion fueled our hunger for one another.   

However, it's time for me to move on without you.  It was ok for us to be together when I was younger and had a taut, athletic body that glistened like Canola oil.  But I've changed, Spicy Chicken,  I've changed.  I'm no longer that man you used to know.  I've got a little pot belly now and my metabolism has slowed to crawl.  The race against time has started and my body is crawling along like the Bataan Death March.  So, as much as it hurts me to say, I'm afraid you're just not healthy for me.  Our co-dependent relationship must finally come to an end.  Otherwise, who knows what kind of tragic ending may befall us? 

I can't believe I'll never see your succulent meat again.  No more will I wipe your grease off my chin.  Nor will I ever wake up again and feel the memory of your taste.  It saddens me, Spicy Chicken, but I think this is the best move for both of us.

Remember...I'll always have a special place in my heart for you.  Good luck with your life and all that the future brings.  May you find someone who loved you as much as I.

Stay classy, Spicy Chicken.  Stay classy. 

Love forever,
Customer #149

.

FYI...BossLady and I started a hard-core diet and exercise plan a few weeks ago.  We both used to be in great shape.  However, the arrival of a certain unnamed baby has wreaked havoc on our bodies.  So now, as we sit on our couch and chew lettuce, we talk about all the foods that we miss eating.  We literally can play this game for hours.  For a foodie like me, dieting is complete torture.   The worst part?  I haven't had a single glass of scotch in over two weeks!

Comments

[oncRN]

this was beautiful.
you had me at greasy chin.

[Aimee]

This made me laugh so hard. You have no idea how badly I needed that laugh today!

Good luck on your diet. Is it a structured one, like South Beach or is it something you guys have "made up"?

A treat of Spicy Chicken every now and again might be ok. Eating it every day, not so much.

Again, good luck!

[Linda B]

What about the red beans and rice doused with their hot sauce? You failed to mention this deliciousness.

I love Popeyes. So. much.
You're brave, MD. Brave.

[Pattie]

I gave up fried chicken for Lent a couple of years back, and it was the most miserable 40 days of my life. As a lapsed Catholic who no longer attends church, why did I do it? To see if I could. Never again.

I've actually been eating better these days, including Caesar salad with grilled chicken for dinner last night and a chef's salad the night before.

I'm on day three of no soda, and I would kill for some magical, caffeine-laden brown sugar water right about now. I admire you trying to quit smoking, since simply not indulging in soda is about ready to kill me.

Good luck with the diet!

[nina]

eeesh! sucks!

[Brent]

Holy crap, this was funny. I'm sharing your pain, MD. My wife and I started Weight Watchers two months ago. It's killing me. I just want to go on Ebay and see if someone will sell me some of their points!

[A. Tsai]

What is it with Koreans and fried chicken? My wife's family is hooked on the stuff. Their preferred brand is KFC. Goes great with kimchi.

[Dash_Dad]

I can understand giving up the Spicy Chicken; however, the loss of the nightcap seems draconian at best. I'm pretty sure that all brands of single-malt scotch are organic and therefore part of any well-balanced diet.

[Mom101]

For me, it was never the chicken, it was those biscuits.

Mmmmm biscuits.

[Krista]

MD- You haven't had a single glass of scotch in two weeks, but have you had a double?!

[Kvetch]

Some food just wasn't made for grown-ups. I have a weakness for McDonald's, but if I eat it (and I sometimes forget that I shouldn't) not only does my diet go out the window, I feel sick for days. So perhaps, M.D., you got out of that relationship just in the nick of time!

[Boca Chicken Patty]

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." -Helen Keller

So Metro, are you going to invite me in, or leave me standing here all day? I've been waiting for you to kick that greasy ho to the curb for a long time now. Call me. We'll do lunch...

[IFLYG]

As impressed as I am that you were able to throw in references to Troilus and Cressida and the Bataan Death March into your break-up letter, I think Popeye's is like Penelope to your Odysseus: I predict that you will wander far and wide, enduring many culinary challenges and dietary adventures, and she will have many suitors in your absence, but you will finally, someday, return home....

[Karen]

Biscuits - oh Lord. The biscuits.

But truth be told, the glorious food that I most miss is that enormous bag of Doritos that once was my constant companion. How I long for the days when I could pop open a bag, eat the entire goddamn thing, and wash it all down with a Welch's pineapple soda.

[Waya]

See, we don't have any Popeye's around these "hoods".

I've been in love w/KFC since the day I stepped off the FOB boat oh 26 yrs ago. And it's still "finger licking good" to me. Believe it or not, I had KFC before giving birth to my 3rd child.

KFC and I will never part like you, very tragic indeed! Good luck with the healthy "grub" MD!

[Melissa]

No spicy chicken, biscuits or scotch? Are you sure your not ill Metro?

I adore their biscuits, they are so soft and buttery and lovely...oops...sorry.

[Melissa]

Sorry my friend, I meant you're, not your.

[kittenpie]

Oh good lord, man, scotch has not calories, and with nothing in your stomach, it wouldn't take much to get a good buzz on anyhow. Then you could just dream about food in your peaty haze. Mmmm...

[Henri]

Foodie with children is always a bitter combo. We finally got a night out the other day and I was staring at the wine list and scotch selection just savoring the decision. The group we were with were our fellow parents cult and we sent the waitress back 4 times while we thought and savored and thought. Macallan 18 was the final winner over Glenmorangie 18 although sentimental blended favorite Redbreast was in the hunt....wait one damn second did you just say you haven't had any scotch in two weeks?! Meeaaachusumneeka?!?!?! It's your damn birthright.

1)Koreans:Scotch

a)Humans:Oxygen
b)Donut:Hole
c)Balloon:Air
d)Koreans:funny things soaking in Vodka

I'm gonna send you a picture of my whisky bar just to twist the knife a bit.

[Tony]

See if you've just started with KFC in the first place, there's no way you would even think about leaving the greasy chicken.

Nobody leaves the colonel and lives to tell about it.

No one.

[Her Bad Mother]

So, that letter was totally getting me hot (mmmm, naughty naughty fried food), until the footnote about diet and scotch abstinence.

Cooled me down.

I've just returned to nipping the scotch after a year and a half of abstinence and it. is. goooood. Just thinking about giving it up right now makes me cold.

(I've got a problem, don't I?)

[misfithausfrau]

You are so brave. After I return from vacation at Long Beach Island, I will be going back on Weight Watchers. At that point, I suppose I will have to write letters to the people at JIF Peanut Butter, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and all Beer producers, particularly Red Stripe. Sigh.

[JJ Daddy-O]

Growing up in NYC Uppah Wess Side, Land o' Culinary Delights, I never thought that I lacked for anything, food-wise.
(mmmmm, La Victoria China, Barney Greengrass, The Hungarian Rendezvous, The Argo-- but I digress)
So when I went to college down South, Popeye's was a revelation- crispy, juicy, spicy, not like that KFC crap. Plus they were open real late and only a couple of blocks from my house. Where better to go for some late night grease to counteract the by-products of a long night's drinking?
Now that I am on cholesterol blockers, it has lost some of its allure, but there is no surer way to hark back to my misspent youth then to pick up a
twopieceallwhitespicywithcajunrice
on the way home.

[Kemp]

No... no scotch for 2 weeks??

Oh my God.. the humanity...

All kidding aside, it's a good thing you're doing.

[Kristen]

John and I did Body for Life a few years ago, and we, too, gave up all manner of tasty treats. Now we're fat slobs again, so we just joined a new gym this weekend. Haven't started an official diet yet, though. We're easing into this thing. Wouldn't want to see any results too quickly, you know.

[heather p.]

ahhhh popeye's, i'd have the affair if you were on the west coast. unfortunately you're too far for me to smother one of your greasy bisquits with your trans fatty butter.

it wasn't too long ago when i would have a twosome with popeye's and boston chicken.

[samantha Jo Campen]

Isn't there a hotline for something like this? Or a gradual step-by-step plan?

Good for you though for gettin' healthy.

I hear about that term 'health' and wonder what all the fuss is about.

Really, though I'll be in the same boat as you in few months when we start trying to get pregnant. Gotta keep me in tip top shape so the kid can suck the life out of me later.

[ShotgunDaddy]

No more Popeye's? This is crazy talk. Here's what you do. On the first of the month -- and I mean EVERY month -- you go down to the nearest Popeye's and order up the Extra Spicy Chicken Tenderloin combo. And because you're on this new health kick, you skip the fries and instead get corn on the cob on the side. Next, you order a biscuit or two and smother them with honey. Get some extra barbecue sauce, along with some extra napkins to wipe the sweat from your brow in between tenderloins. Pound it all down, then start counting the days until next month. Trust me, you won't regret it.

[Matthew]

Damn you! Not only can I NOT get the image of your body glistening with canola oil out of my mind, I had to google Troilus and Cressida just to figure out what the hell you were talking about!

Too bad about the chicken, though. Long live Hector!

[Devra]

I hear you MetroDad.

I had to give up my "Three Way's" with Ben & Jerry. I miss those guys...

[CityMama]

Please say it isn't so! How is it possible that you could turn your back on such deliciousness. It's not even a carb!

Popeyes, I would brave any ghetto for you. I scoff at the bullet proof glass that separates your employees from customers like me.

Spicy fried chicken, red beans and rice, biscuits...shudder. No. No. Nononono. I perish the thought of EVER cutting Popeye's out of my life.

[margalit]

I've never been to Popeye's (kosher, I think not) but I am here to support you in your dieting and to tell you that you can change your health by eating better. My cholesteral is a low low 136 as of a couple of weeks ago, when it used to be well over 200. I've lost a lot of weight, too. I do not diet. I do not exercise. I use a nutritionist and eat anything I want within my calorie allowance of 1200 calories/day. Which means that if I eat salads I can also eat cake and chocolate. I eat at least 10 hershey's kisses a day, 220 calories. They mean more to me than a chicken salad sandwich.

So maybe you can eat your chicken every once in a while, just not weekly, and not a lot of it. Do you ever cook it without the skin? You can really cut down on the fat without the skin.

Hope you can stick with it without going nuts. I'm the world's worst dieter because not only an I a foodie, but I'm a cook, too. Me, I miss potatos and rice more than anything else. Carbs, you are my love and I don't want to quit you.

[Asha]

First it was extramarital blogging, and now this! You're killin' me, MD! I need a cool drink.

[William]

What? No Scotch? What is next? Writing a Dear CHivas letter?

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I'm sorry about the scotch, but as for the spicy fried chicken I'm sure your colon will than you.

[Peter]

No Scotch!
The Horror of it gives me shivers.
A glass of Scotch never hurt anyone.

[astinkmum]

okay...at my 'rent's house we used to have popeye's spicy fried chicken, biscuits and all...with kimchee on the side...sounds gross? Soooo-ooo not! have given it up myself, but like you...can't get it off my mind. as for the whole exercise thang...you know over at Stinkmums we are all about the Pilates...particularly Stott method. I highly recommend it...it's given me my stomach back! PS. To-otally ate dinner over the kitchen sink last night and was reminded of you.

[s@bd]

DUDE (don't you hate it when people use that word to address you in their comments?): I can't believe you guys started this in the middle of summer?! I'm on good-eating-hiatus until Labour (you guys [and by 'you guys', I mean 'you crazy Americans', of course] spell it 'labor') Day. You should try to get one more chicken orgy in before the summer ends. (Dr. Phil, I am not)

[Lumi (Pickle's Mama)]

Good for you re: the diet. But seriously man, no scotch?

I would not allow that in my house. I INSIST that Pickle's Papa drinks of the al-co-hol.

He is just on the cusp of tolerable when he is tipsy. If he were stone cold sober on a regular basis, I think I would have to shoot myself.

ps...for me? It's Taco Bell. I know, I know...

[Middleman]

Blame the fried chicken. Blame the Reubens. Blame the bologna if you must. But pointing fingers at the scotch, well, that's just criminal.

What's BossLady's email address, Met? I'm going to write her and tell her to let you resume your scotch drinking.

[Leora]

Popeyes was your dirty mistress, MD? Mine is Cold Stone Creamery. It's like they're challenging me to come up with new combinations and I must rise to the task. Doesn't help that there's one RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY OFFICE!

[Popeye's Spicy Fried Chicken]

Dear MetroDad,

Do you think you can just stop seeing me like that? That I'll let you go after all we've shared? I will fight for you, for what we have together.

It's not just your memories of our sweet love that will haunt you. I will perfume the air with my scent; you'll ache for me when you catch a whiff of grease in the air.

I'm special, and you know it. Stop denying your feelings. Dump that low-carb slut right now and come back to me.

[Maniacal]

Great, thanks! No I want freid food! DAMN YOU METRO-DAD!!!

[pseudostoops]

MD, are you actually an early-30s indian man who I used to date? Because he was OBSESSED with Popeye's, and is also the sort to write a "dear john" letter to a chicken chain. I never quite understood it.

Scotch, though- scotch I understand.

[Leeny]

Good grief! I've tried dieting! Vegetarian! Low fat! Low carb! Not that I was overweight but just for my health's sake. Going to the gym on a regular basis really helped. You do tend to eat a little more when you build muscle because it requires more energy but unfortunately, you can't continue ingesting extra calories once you've quit exercising. Ask me how I know! I'm not that much overweight but I'm not exactly at my once youthful weight anymore. I do try to eat well most of the time but I allow myself a treat now and then, whether it's a small dish of ice-cream or a fried chicken dinner with fried okra, cornbread, etc., all the Southern fixin's! ~drool~ Life's too short not to partake of a little of what you truly enjoy, just don't go overboard. And I love my glass of red wine in the evenings! Just don't deprive yourself too drastically or it could backfire, ya hear?

[Jimmy J.]

Oh man, I haven't had Popeyes in years but this post made me suddenly hungry for some fried chicken. I'm off to go find some.

[Big Pumpkin]

Hahaha! I love food too, a lot of it, so I can totally relate. My diet journey hasn't yet begun but oh, you make it sound so painful!!! Can I ever give up food?

[marley]

Thats' it! We're having Popeyes for dinner tonight! Spicy chicken here we come.

[Luke]

Good timing, MD. I'm in the process of breaking up with Mickey D. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to end things and thinks we should keep seeing each other (but maybe on a more casual basis!)

[mdvelazquez]

This is so funny ... yet I had tears in my eyes.

Must have Popeyes soon.