Chaos Theory

It's a busy week here at Casa MetroDad.  Posting may be a little light.  However, as usual, I've got some random things on my mind so I thought I'd compress them all at once so the mental diarrhea doesn't back up my brain's internal septic tank.

 

DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ELMO BAND-AID?  I HAVE A BOO-BOO ON MY KNEE. 

Everyone is always talking about balancing work and family.  Yet, nobody seems to talk about what happens when those two worlds collide.  Over the past week, certain events have transpired at work that have made me realize that I have irreversibly crossed over into the world of parenthood:

1. I reached into my pocket at a meeting and pulled out a pacifier and a hair pin.
2. I took off my suit jacket, only to reveal a soggy Cheerio sticking to the collar of my shirt.
3. One of my clients dropped her briefcase and I actually said "uh-oh!" in a sing-song voice. 

SHIT, I WONDER WHERE SHE LEARNED THAT!

Yesterday, my adorable, little 22-month-old daughter climbed up on the couch, leaned her head back, sighed deeply, stared blankly at the television, and then stuck her hand down the front of her diaper.

 

ARE YOU REALLY TOO DAMN LAZY TO SAY "EST" AND "ELAXATION"???

I hate it when people abbreviate words or turn phrases into acronyms.  R & R, B & B, TTYL, and LOL?  Whenever I see those, it drives me completely nuts.  I bring this up because I still have a few friends who send me text messages on my cell phone.  Whenever I get one, I almost always refuse to reply because, in doing so, I feel like a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl.  Part of the problem may be due to the fact that I never understand the acronyms that people are using.  I was meeting a friend for dinner last week and, while I was waiting at the bar for him, I received a message that said, "WRU? BRT."  I immediately called him and asked what the fuck he was talking about.  He explained that his message was short for "Where are you?  Be right there." 

I told him that if he ever sent me a text message like that again, I would SHCPUHA ("shove his cell phone up his ass!")

YUPPIE CHILD ENTERS LIFELONG APPRENTICESHIP - (Via Overheard in NY)

Little girl, reading children's book aloud: "Mariko is Japanese. She eats sushi."
Mom (pointing to picture): "But WE know that is actually sashimi!"

(overheard on the M86 crosstown bus)

BossLady and I left the Peanut with my parents last weekend.  Since my folks don't really cook at home (ever since the "Boiled Turkey Incident of 1976"), they ended up taking the Peanut out to eat for every meal.  Since the Peanut loves eating food (1) out of the garbage can, (2), off the floor, and (3) from the dog's dish, it's a well-established fact that she's a pretty indiscriminate eater and will eat almost anything.  As it turns out, she ate extremely well with my parents.  Over the course of 48 hours, she dined on steamed seabass, shu mai, shrimp in lobster sauce, agedashi tofu, eggs benedict, and large amounts of edamame. 

Needless to say, BossLady and I were more than a little jealous.  However, we were also worried that the Peanut was going to develop some sort of refined palette and become one of those obnoxiously precocious New York kids that always freak us out.  Thankfully, the Peanut discovered my secret stash of beef jerky and pork rinds (two things for which I have an unnaturally healthy obsession) and has come to the conclusion that THEY ARE BETTER THAN CRACK COCAINE!!! 

Seriously, she can't get enough of them.  She's like a little Asian redneck.  I can't wait to start feeding her possum, moon pies and Skoal!

.

MY FAVORITE IS "SHAKING HANDS WITH THE WOOKIE"

Where else but on the internet can you find a website that has 245,829,668 different euphemisms for masturbation?

NO, I'M NOT A DOCTOR.  HOWEVER, I WATCH ONE ON TV!

The TV off-season kills me.  Everything is either reruns or reality TV.  I fucking can't stand reality shows.  Aside from the fact they they insult my intelligence, I believe that watching them actually makes you dumber.  Seriously, if you listen closely, you can hear your neurons dying a slow and painful death.  How do the networks even come up with these ideas? 

Personally, I've got a theory that TV execs sit in a big conference room just picking words out of a hat and forming random combinations.  Voila!  Instant ratings hit!  I tried this at home and I came up with "Cheerleaders Bowling with Cats" and "America's Favorite Home Butchers."  Shit, you know what?  It fucking works! Call my agent!

Anyway, I was bemoaning the TV off-season recently and decided to watch an episode of "House."  I can't believe none of you bitches told me about this show!  It's fantastic!  After one episode, I was completely hooked.  So this weekend, when we were at Target and the BossLady wasn't looking, I slipped the Season One DVD under the 8 million rolls of toilet paper that we bought.  Over the past 48 hours, I've watched 9 episodes.  Aside from annoying the BossLady with my newfound medical knowledge and trying to convince her that I've got an extremely rare form of copper poisoning, I've also decided to start walking around with a cane.  I think it'd be a cool accessory and would serve as a valuable deterrent to any would-be muggers on the subway.

 

WITH A REBEL YELL, SHE CRIED "MORE, MORE, MORE!"

I like a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it. 

And if my ambitions for the Peanut go according to the MetroDad Master Plan^TM, I will have succeeded in raising a strong-willed, self-confident young woman who will never feel restrained by any limitations placed on her by society due to either her gender or race.  If the Peanut ever encounters a glass ceiling, I fully expect her to kick the shit out of it.  I want her to assert her rights as an individual, stand up for her personal liberties, and vociferously protect those who are less fortunate. 

I tell you all of this because sometimes I need to remind myself that raising a future feminist can be infuriating. 

From the moment she was born, the Peanut has always been incredibly independent and I've done everything possible to foster this independence.  As much as I love cuddling with her, I don't coddle her or force her to abide by my schedule.  Ever since she learned how to walk at the age of 9 months, I've tried to force myself to be patient as she explores everything in sight and expands her boundaries.  Sometimes, it takes us 30 minutes to walk two blocks to the deli because she has to inspect every crack in the sidewalk, sniff every plant and high-five everyone on the block. 

However, now that she can speak and verbalize her independence?  Holy crap, it can get annoying at times!

She is not shy about making demands.  Nor is she reluctant to refuse anything that she doesn't like.  Therefore, the words that we hear from her most frequently are either, "More Now!" or "No, No, No!"  Not only is the kid stubborn as a mule, she's got a frighteningly formidable willpower. 

As much as I love my daughter, I refuse to give in to her tantrums.  When she refuses to eat her dinner, I just stick her in the crib for the night.  When she refuses to get out of the tub, I take out all her toys and pull the drain.  When she throws a hissy fit at the playground, I wrestle her into the stroller and take her home.   

That's right, my friends.  The Terrible Twos have officially started. 

Wish us luck. 

Game on, girlfriend!  Game on.

Previous Chaos Theory posts can be found here and here.

 

Comments

[JG]

My pet peeve, is counting months instead of years. After the 1st birthday it annoys me, but after the second birthday it is just plain wrong.

Also, do you know that NOW (THE feminists) oppose Shared Parenting? Do you know the laws of your state? Guess how much time you would see the Peanut if you got divorced?

[Self-Righteous Japanese Schoolgirl]

MD, you are, ohmygod, so incredibly, like, youknow, old? Like the cryptkeeper? Incessantly texting annoying acronyms is, like, what young, cool hip people do? Which you obviously, you know, are not? But UR VRY fune NEway.

[Shannon]

Great post! I am right with you on the needless abbreviations. If you like House, I also recommend Rescue Me and The CLoser. Just as a note on House, my sister-in-law is a nursing student, and says that one of her instructors watches every episode looking for mistakes in their medicine; she hasn't found any yet.

Keep a stiff upper lip with the toddler years. Our 21 month old son is well into it too. Just remember that it is really only a year or two of your life, and then you get a nice grace period until the teenage years. Yeah.

[heather p.]

"But you can't wear jappy clothes, my mommy said your not Jewish".

-- Jennifer V. said to me in 2nd grade at Elizabeth Morrow School

That's all I could think of when that mom corrected her daughter's sushi naivte!!

WWYTYKFFS! watch what you teach your kids for f*ck's sake! Seriously, I don't even bother reading the anacronyms anymore. It's like this generation's text ebonics.

Careful with the little condom pocket that sits closer to your zipper, inside the bigger pant pocket-- that tends to collect all kinds of hazardous kiddie waste

[Mom101]

You must be far more confident in your writing skills than I, for I would have taken each of these brilliant, laugh out loud, sharp little posts and spread them out over the course of a week. But MD? Nahhhhh... just plop them all down at once and call it a day.

I love that she's got the Al Bundy move down. The image in my head is priceless.

[Lea]

The titles of your subject headings are hilarious and had LOL (sorry!)

[Brian]

"Where else but on the internet can you find a website that..."

I admit that one almost sailed right over my head. YGBQTKUWMD (you gotta be quick to keep up with MetroDad)

[Jason]

Good luck with the terrible twos! Now that my kids are older, I can laugh about that horrible, horrible time in our lives. Just remember one thing...DON'T GIVE INTO HER!

[Xdm]

Do you think bigger kids give them toddler trade secrets? You know, maybe at the park? (Psst...dude. Lose your shit at Target and you'll get whatever you want. trust me on this. When they try to pick you up, go all noodle-boy. Trust me.) My second question: Did you ever think you would be THAT GUY dragging his melting kid through the store? Hissing in her ear while smiling uncomfortably at passers-by?

[Richard]

Moon Pies are great. Aren't they one of the food groups now?

[kristied]

the terrible twos have recently started at my house as well. i feel for you there metrodad.

[Steven]

If you like "House", give "Monk" a try. I never watched either one of them before last month and I'm loving both of them.

[Doug]

I woke up this morning and started "kissing the bandit." Then at lunch, I started "conjuring the yogurt." Later, I think I'll "pillage the yam." Somebody help me! I can't stop playing with the euphemism generator!!!

[Papa Bradstein]

Why is it that the Californians must always use "dude" in their comments?

I offer that observation in lieu of my witty retort that I'm not bothering with, since I came late to the party and everyone's already said lots of things.

And yes, for the record, my witty snippet did include the word "dude."

*sigh*

[Mama Nabi]

Terrible Twos... I shudder to think about that.

Do you suppose your parents would like to feed me for a few days?

[Reina]

The terrible twos are rough, MD. Good luck to you and the BossLady. May the force be with you!

[Mary]

Okay... 66 previous commenters and I'm feeling a hesitant to join the crowd. Not because I'm too wonderful or anything but I kind of feel like the little sister tapping on the shoulder of big brother when he is with his friends. But here goes... Heard the name MetroDad around the blogverse but linked over today after reading your comment at Home on the Fringe. Long introduction. Sorry, but I promise no acronyms!

Saying "uh-oh" with the briefcase thing caused me to laugh out loud (see no acronym). My son always wants to know what's funny but is a 14 year old going to appreciate that? Probably not. It reminded me of my propensity to announce to a room that I had to go pee-pee around the time my son was potty training.

The whole post was a riot. Thanks for the laughs.

[Sara W.]

Ya know, MD...one of the reasons I love coming over here is because I love getting the male's perspective on parenthood. Although you're clearly an "involved" parent, you say shit that I don't think you'd hear many moms say. Thanks for giving this old mom a good and hearty laugh. I needed it.

[IFLYG]

LMFAO, MD. Live with it...
Now back to "whackin' the wiseguy".

[metro mama]

I invited people over last night--luckily, I noticed in time that I had avocado on my boob.

I love House.

[Allison]

Thanks for a giving me a great laugh to start out my day. My coworkers are looking at me funny because I think I may have even snorted at one point! You're a really talented writer, MD. Have a great weekend.

[Liz P.]

I can't stand reality television and am so glad you wrote this post. Every time I flip the channels and come across a areality show, I just want to puke. I think to myself, who watches these things? Then, I get to my office the next day and I realize that EVERYBODY is watching them. Good Lord, no wonder we're all getting dumber!

As a few other people have mentioned, check out "Rescue Me" with Denis Leary. It's very well done and it's interesting to see a drama with such real and flawed characters.

[Kristen]

Oh my god, I am so jealous that the Peanut will eat foods like that!! She needs to come over and train my kids, dammit.

I love how you're handling her tantrums. You rock. That's exactly what you need to be doing. Stay strong!

[Kristen]

Oh my god, I am so jealous that the Peanut will eat foods like that!! She needs to come over and train my kids, dammit.

I love how you're handling her tantrums. You rock. That's exactly what you need to be doing. Stay strong!

[Kristen]

Oh my god, I am so jealous that the Peanut will eat foods like that!! She needs to come over and train my kids, dammit.

I love how you're handling her tantrums. You rock. That's exactly what you need to be doing. Stay strong!

[Kristen]

Uh. Oops. Sorry about that, MD.

Stupid computer.

[Glennia]

House? Metro Dad, my image of you as uber-cool, all-knowing dude was just shattered. I would have thought you watched from the pilot, the one where Robin Tunney had worms. Seriously. House is God. Ok, fictional TV God, but still God.

Project Runway is not reality TV, it's in a class by itself.

[enygma]

Oh dang. Good luck with the terrible twos!
House is an awesome show. I don't watch too much tv, but I actually dl'ed the entire first season and watched each episode over three days.

[matt]

Do you actually read the comments down this far?

I feel your pain on the terrible 2s, but as said before, just wait until she hits 3.

At this point I have to get my 3 year old boy in a headlock and hog-tie him before I can do the quick release car seat click. The whole time he is screaminging, head-butting me, biting any accessable body part of and spitting it in the street. He then laughs at me and spits my own blood in my face. At times he really is like a miny Mike Tyson on crack.

Yeah, the 3's are tough. Once the fangs come in it is much worse.

[Liberal Banana]

Ack! I'm so late on commenting on this post but I had to say something - it was awesome! I just love "random" posts...Especially well-written ones.

I really enjoy "House" as well but find that the formula is SO predictable. Someone has a mysterious illness, the hot young doctors make guesses as to what it is, House gives them a hard time, and then it gets figured out right before the end. Whenever they seem to have come to a conclusion halfway through the show, I think "Well that can't be it, there's 35 minutes left!"

Good luck with those terrible two things. They sound like tons of fun!

[Lunasea]

I can't believe you discovered our well-kept bitch secret. If House was real, he would totally be in love with me.

[Driver B]

TV is total crap during the summer, so we've been watching a lot of Netflix - but we also got totally, completely hooked on Veronica Mars. We watched the entire first season in a week. Definitely recommend it!

[Calla]

I ran across your site while googling "worst baby shower gift ever," or some variant thereof. You are seriously hilarious, and I want to mention that you were the best written google result for my query, and possibly the most informative.

Also, House is quite possibly the best show I've ever seen, and you should know that season 2 is out on DVD soon. (I am obsessed with the show enough that I sent Hugh Laurie a Christmas card last year.) Also, if you are in the mood for tech drama, I suggest Bones, also on Fox, I think on Wednesdays.

Merci for the afternoon's entertainment!

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