It's a busy week here at Casa MetroDad. Posting may be a little light. However, as usual, I've got some random things on my mind so I thought I'd compress them all at once so the mental diarrhea doesn't back up my brain's internal septic tank.
DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ELMO BAND-AID? I HAVE A BOO-BOO ON MY KNEE.
Everyone is always talking about balancing work and family. Yet, nobody seems to talk about what happens when those two worlds collide. Over the past week, certain events have transpired at work that have made me realize that I have irreversibly crossed over into the world of parenthood:
1. I reached into my pocket at a meeting and pulled out a pacifier and a hair pin.
2. I took off my suit jacket, only to reveal a soggy Cheerio sticking to the collar of my shirt.
3. One of my clients dropped her briefcase and I actually said "uh-oh!" in a sing-song voice.
SHIT, I WONDER WHERE SHE LEARNED THAT!
Yesterday, my adorable, little 22-month-old daughter climbed up on the couch, leaned her head back, sighed deeply, stared blankly at the television, and then stuck her hand down the front of her diaper.
ARE YOU REALLY TOO DAMN LAZY TO SAY "EST" AND "ELAXATION"???
I hate it when people abbreviate words or turn phrases into acronyms. R & R, B & B, TTYL, and LOL? Whenever I see those, it drives me completely nuts. I bring this up because I still have a few friends who send me text messages on my cell phone. Whenever I get one, I almost always refuse to reply because, in doing so, I feel like a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl. Part of the problem may be due to the fact that I never understand the acronyms that people are using. I was meeting a friend for dinner last week and, while I was waiting at the bar for him, I received a message that said, "WRU? BRT." I immediately called him and asked what the fuck he was talking about. He explained that his message was short for "Where are you? Be right there."
I told him that if he ever sent me a text message like that again, I would SHCPUHA ("shove his cell phone up his ass!")
YUPPIE CHILD ENTERS LIFELONG APPRENTICESHIP - (Via Overheard in NY)
Little girl, reading children's book aloud: "Mariko is Japanese. She eats sushi."
Mom (pointing to picture): "But WE know that is actually sashimi!"
(overheard on the M86 crosstown bus)
BossLady and I left the Peanut with my parents last weekend. Since my folks don't really cook at home (ever since the "Boiled Turkey Incident of 1976"), they ended up taking the Peanut out to eat for every meal. Since the Peanut loves eating food (1) out of the garbage can, (2), off the floor, and (3) from the dog's dish, it's a well-established fact that she's a pretty indiscriminate eater and will eat almost anything. As it turns out, she ate extremely well with my parents. Over the course of 48 hours, she dined on steamed seabass, shu mai, shrimp in lobster sauce, agedashi tofu, eggs benedict, and large amounts of edamame.
Needless to say, BossLady and I were more than a little jealous. However, we were also worried that the Peanut was going to develop some sort of refined palette and become one of those obnoxiously precocious New York kids that always freak us out. Thankfully, the Peanut discovered my secret stash of beef jerky and pork rinds (two things for which I have an unnaturally healthy obsession) and has come to the conclusion that THEY ARE BETTER THAN CRACK COCAINE!!!
Seriously, she can't get enough of them. She's like a little Asian redneck. I can't wait to start feeding her possum, moon pies and Skoal!
.
MY FAVORITE IS "SHAKING HANDS WITH THE WOOKIE"
Where else but on the internet can you find a website that has 245,829,668 different euphemisms for masturbation?
NO, I'M NOT A DOCTOR. HOWEVER, I WATCH ONE ON TV!
The TV off-season kills me. Everything is either reruns or reality TV. I fucking can't stand reality shows. Aside from the fact they they insult my intelligence, I believe that watching them actually makes you dumber. Seriously, if you listen closely, you can hear your neurons dying a slow and painful death. How do the networks even come up with these ideas?
Personally, I've got a theory that TV execs sit in a big conference room just picking words out of a hat and forming random combinations. Voila! Instant ratings hit! I tried this at home and I came up with "Cheerleaders Bowling with Cats" and "America's Favorite Home Butchers." Shit, you know what? It fucking works! Call my agent!
Anyway, I was bemoaning the TV off-season recently and decided to watch an episode of "House." I can't believe none of you bitches told me about this show! It's fantastic! After one episode, I was completely hooked. So this weekend, when we were at Target and the BossLady wasn't looking, I slipped the Season One DVD under the 8 million rolls of toilet paper that we bought. Over the past 48 hours, I've watched 9 episodes. Aside from annoying the BossLady with my newfound medical knowledge and trying to convince her that I've got an extremely rare form of copper poisoning, I've also decided to start walking around with a cane. I think it'd be a cool accessory and would serve as a valuable deterrent to any would-be muggers on the subway.
WITH A REBEL YELL, SHE CRIED "MORE, MORE, MORE!"
I like a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it.
And if my ambitions for the Peanut go according to the MetroDad Master PlanTM, I will have succeeded in raising a strong-willed, self-confident young woman who will never feel restrained by any limitations placed on her by society due to either her gender or race. If the Peanut ever encounters a glass ceiling, I fully expect her to kick the shit out of it. I want her to assert her rights as an individual, stand up for her personal liberties, and vociferously protect those who are less fortunate.
I tell you all of this because sometimes I need to remind myself that raising a future feminist can be infuriating.
From the moment she was born, the Peanut has always been incredibly independent and I've done everything possible to foster this independence. As much as I love cuddling with her, I don't coddle her or force her to abide by my schedule. Ever since she learned how to walk at the age of 9 months, I've tried to force myself to be patient as she explores everything in sight and expands her boundaries. Sometimes, it takes us 30 minutes to walk two blocks to the deli because she has to inspect every crack in the sidewalk, sniff every plant and high-five everyone on the block.
However, now that she can speak and verbalize her independence? Holy crap, it can get annoying at times!
She is not shy about making demands. Nor is she reluctant to refuse anything that she doesn't like. Therefore, the words that we hear from her most frequently are either, "More Now!" or "No, No, No!" Not only is the kid stubborn as a mule, she's got a frighteningly formidable willpower.
As much as I love my daughter, I refuse to give in to her tantrums. When she refuses to eat her dinner, I just stick her in the crib for the night. When she refuses to get out of the tub, I take out all her toys and pull the drain. When she throws a hissy fit at the playground, I wrestle her into the stroller and take her home.
That's right, my friends. The Terrible Twos have officially started.
Wish us luck.
Game on, girlfriend! Game on.
Previous Chaos Theory posts can be found here and here.
NO !&#@&#! WAY! I'm the first to comment?! It's always like 102 people before me like waiting at the deli and your number is 47, and they're serving #5 at the moment.
"House" reminds me of you in a way from your writing. You got to check out "Rescue Me" with Dennis Leary, and "It's Always Sunny In Philly" on FX. 2 great shows, I think. Hate those reality shows too. My mommy brain cells is diminishing after 3 kids, I don't need to lose whatever's left.
SYL (see ya later) ;-)
Posted by: Waya | August 08, 2006 at 01:48 PM
I wanted to leave a comment about your earlier Philip Roth-related post but I was too busy listening to my neurons die as I watched "Celebrity Shaving" while punching the munchkin. Mea culpa.
Posted by: p-man | August 08, 2006 at 01:57 PM
you're right. LOL is the worst. But. Can. We. Also. Stop. Talking. Like. This? I. Mean. How. Many. Periods. Does. One. Need. To! Appear! Emphatic! (no pun...aw geez)
Posted by: concha | August 08, 2006 at 01:59 PM
After our annual February Trip to New York City to See Snow and The Grandparents, LMS's favorite phrase becomes "May I see the dessert menu please?"
Posted by: JJ Daddy Baby Momma | August 08, 2006 at 02:03 PM
Ok - I'll offer some of what I'm watching on TV this summer of nothing on.
Saved with Tom Everett Scott on TNT.
Life on Mars on BBC America - a cop in London 2006 gets hit by a car and finds himself in London 1973 - pretty f'in cool.
The 4400 - sci-fi stuff on USA
The Dead Zone - Farmer Ted gots the Shinin' on USA.
Eureka - the country's geniuses living in a town run by the gummint on Sci-Fi - the sheriff is just a normal guy trying to adapt and solving mysteries.
Monk - Tony Shalhoub as a detective with astronomical OCD - simple mysteries - the fun lies in Monk's disorders
Hope this helps - not one reality TV p.o.s. (heh)
Yes, my TiVo does get a work out
Posted by: Mr. Big Dubya | August 08, 2006 at 02:18 PM
House? You are watching HOUSE? Oh the humanity. My husband watches it too, and drives me insane.
My paid job is devising health care reform, and as a wonk it annoys me that the show makes it seem like a good idea to give an MRI to a brain dead woman and other high cost, low yield services. Every time that program airs the chance for meaningful universal health care slips further from our grasp. Sigh.
Posted by: nonlineargirl | August 08, 2006 at 02:33 PM
Welcome to the terrible two's. Don't stay a while. Don't get comfortable. I admire you not giving into a tantrum. I also giggled that you actually sang "oh-no" at your clumsy co-worker. You rock.
Posted by: Janet | August 08, 2006 at 02:33 PM
You are too funny!!! My husband of 5 years used to live in New York and we too, have a 22 month old baby girl. WYSIWYG - heard of that one? Haha...
Posted by: Big Pumpkin | August 08, 2006 at 02:34 PM
I'd watch more TV too but I'm too busy "scuttling the one-eyed bunny" and "harvesting the Welsh raisin." Damn...I'm not going to get ANY work done today until I'm finished with all 245,829,668 of those euphemisms.
Posted by: Ian | August 08, 2006 at 02:35 PM
I love the Cheerio on the jacket. I am scared to tell you what all is in my purse. Toddlers put things everywhere, you never know what to expect.
I think you have the right idea on the battle of the wills. We do the same thing here. I don't want to have one of those kids who thinks they can get whatever they want by throwing a fit. I hate it when I see a 11 year old do it.
We have started watching Greys Anatomy this summer. Have you seen that one? I will have to TIVO House.
Posted by: Melissa | August 08, 2006 at 02:42 PM
House...ah, isn't it just the best! The sarcasm abounds. My kinda show. Here we're working our way through the entire 24 seasons 1,2 and 3 that a friend bought for us. Bootlegged from China, they have subtities in every language, and we've tried them all. So for, Portugese is my favorite, but Japanese was good as well.
We just finished the whole second season of Curb your Enthusiasm. Funny and sarcastic. So true to LA, too. Oh, sorry... Los Angeles.
No abbreviations for you. Next!
Posted by: margalit | August 08, 2006 at 03:01 PM
I roared with laughter when I read about the hand down the diaper.
Welcome to my world, MD. The Munchkin is one of the most strong-willed girls I've ever known (she rountinely harasses kids twice her age, and I'm just waiting for her to get pushed back, but it never seems to happen). We can swap war stories later. Her snack food of choice at the moment is Cheetos Puffs, which I do NOT buy - her great-grandmother feeds them to her.
I got hooked on "What Not To Wear" this summer, and my husband is ready to kill me, because I keep saying how I need to update my wardrobe (which he sees as a cheap attempt to go shopping).
Posted by: Deanna | August 08, 2006 at 03:05 PM
Pork rinds! My mom buys the hardcore ones from the Filipino store - you know, the ones with the big ole' hunk of fat still attached. She'll usually toast them, but once my littlest guy got a hold of one that hadn't yet been toasted and chipped his tooth on it. Thank God his dentist couldn't understand his little Tagalog/Korean accent when he kept telling him he broke his tooth on a "chicharron". He assumed he was saying "chicken bone", thank God! Ended up with a capped tooth. Lesson learned: buy the regular pork rinds from the supermarket!
Posted by: lisa | August 08, 2006 at 03:17 PM
Excellent post, and I was completely LOL, alone in my office b/c: 1) I am with ya on saying "uh-oh" in the sing-song voice at work, and the likes, 2) I too hate summer TV (the Closer is excellent "btw"), and 3) I am that text'er that annoys you!!!!! Brilliant writing, as always.
Posted by: Alison | August 08, 2006 at 03:22 PM
What is it with Koreans and beef jerky? My ex-BF (and his entire family) practically lived off the stuff! And pork rinds? Ugh...so gross, MD!
Posted by: Leora | August 08, 2006 at 03:36 PM
You win the award for the blog post that made me laugh the most today. And man, I needed it... I'm in the cycle of mid-year reviews (yes, I know it's August and well past mid-year) and I've done 6 out of 8 so far. 2 more to go. Keep me laughing, please.
Posted by: Just Linda | August 08, 2006 at 03:44 PM
We don't do a hand down the pants yet; right now she's only up to playing lazily around with things 'down there' while I'm trying to keep the crap off her hand long enough to change a diaper.
As for TV, two words: "Project Runway."
Posted by: Lori | August 08, 2006 at 03:54 PM
When the T2's start (aka Terrible Two's), I'm joining the circus.
I hear the monkeys drink beer, eat pork rinds and smoke. Like rednecks!
Posted by: Tony | August 08, 2006 at 04:44 PM
Thanks for the HUGE laugh. The other day my 5-year-old precious daughter was visiting my (adult) friend for the afternoon and they were having ice cream sundaes. She didn't like the chocolate sauce, I guess... my friend Kay reported later that my daughter said it "tasted like a crappy cup of coffee."
Kay had not seen "Elf" 2,000 times like we had, so I guess it didn't make sense and now she must think I am the worst parent ever.
Posted by: Julie | August 08, 2006 at 04:55 PM
Mmm, House. I am going to name my next son Hugh. (Thank you thank you thank you for hating reality tv as much as I do)
Posted by: Amy | August 08, 2006 at 05:04 PM
Three things I know my husband has experienced:
1. worn a RugRats band-aid at 30,000 feet while navigating a plane during the Gulf War.
2. Avoided an embarassing close call by stopping himself from sticking his finger in the mouth of a colleague who was yawning widely without covering up said mouth. (It's a family joke we have, but probably would not have translated well to "Captain sticking finger in mouth of Lt. Colone".
3. Been in a military briefing where the presenter, also a dad, asked if anyone in the group needed a "potty break".
Posted by: Devra | August 08, 2006 at 05:06 PM
I think you are the first person I've 'met' that has the same opinion of reality TV as I do. My TV viewing has decreased dramatically since my son was born, but I refuse to miss House or Grey's Anatomy, my two favourite shows on the air.
Posted by: Carmen | August 08, 2006 at 05:06 PM
Hey Dude, maybe you should ask Dutch if he has any spare Elmo band-aids lying around...
Posted by: zygote daddy | August 08, 2006 at 05:07 PM
Terrible twos is a misnomer, wait until three that is when the fun really starts.
Posted by: Peter | August 08, 2006 at 05:27 PM
Weeds, on Showtime, with the HAWT Mary-Louise Parker. It's the kind.
Posted by: Jason | August 08, 2006 at 05:33 PM
Is it any surprise to you that my favorite part of this post was the Euphemism Generator?
I'm right with you on the abbreviations, though. I have no idea what's being said, and in the time it takes you to type the damn thing you could have just as easily called.
Posted by: CroutonBoy | August 08, 2006 at 05:55 PM
Earlier this year I gave a public lecture with a giant gob of spit-up down my back. Which was a whole lot *less* embarassing than the fact that I burst into the chorus of the Banana Phone Song while reviewing notes at the lectern during the break.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | August 08, 2006 at 06:14 PM
Cheerio on your jacket? Heh. I once found an Oreo in my bra.
Posted by: L. | August 08, 2006 at 06:18 PM
You totally have to love House. I have a wicked crush on him (the character, not Hugh Laurie). It's a bit sick how much I obsess over him (and yes, that pun WAS intended). There isn't a bad show. The rabies one was super cool too!
I laughed out loud at work when you said 'uh-oh' to your co-worker.
te he he.
Posted by: Samantha | August 08, 2006 at 06:27 PM
The "uh'oh!" was classic. I have to admit that on more than one occasion I've told the guys at work, "I'll be right back. I have to use the potty."
The dads new what I was talking about.
HH
Posted by: Tim | August 08, 2006 at 06:32 PM
Possum and moon pies? My favorite! We're right there with you on the tantrums. It sucks.
Posted by: weigooksaram | August 08, 2006 at 06:42 PM
I think I'm actually having television withdrawl. Entourage is all that saves me.
Is it bad that I already have a schedule of new shows I want to try in the fall? Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The Nine. Heroes. Plus all of the shit I already watch.
I'm surprised I even leave the house.
Posted by: Bliss | August 08, 2006 at 06:44 PM
Of course you might not want to hear this, but reality television saved House from an early death.
It was on the brink of cancellation until they put it on after American Idol and caught all the people too lazy to pick up the remote.
Well, at least they do good once in a blue moon.
Posted by: Bliss | August 08, 2006 at 06:47 PM
Can't...stop...generating...euphemisms...
Posted by: zygote daddy | August 08, 2006 at 07:20 PM
Sweet Pea, at age 4, is strong-willed, independent, smart, funny and stubborn. These are all things that will serve her well as an adult.
However, they make her a seriously pain-in-the-ass 4-year-old.
Posted by: Stacy | August 08, 2006 at 11:29 PM
I dig these Chaos Theory stream of consciousness posts!
Re: acronyms (or txt spk), I totally agree. I hate them all, except for one: WTF? (what the fuck?). I use that in almost all my posts. :)
Posted by: Baun | August 08, 2006 at 11:47 PM
God, I love House and THANK YOU for being what seems like the only other person who doesn't want to talk about who danced/sang/ate bugs the best last week. Blech.
And yes, gotta love those hour-long walks that would take you ten minutes. It's all about the journey, my man, all about the journey.
Posted by: kittenpie | August 09, 2006 at 12:13 AM
You can walk around with a cane, just stay away from the opiates. It's worse than beef jerky.
Posted by: Matthew | August 09, 2006 at 01:36 AM
GR8 post MD! ;P
When I was in high school, everyone had a pager and you had to text all your friends a gazillion times a day or else you were just...well, not cool, like, you know? So all the little acronyms? Totally necessary.
I've managed to avoid reality TV for the most part, but Project Runway...gosh, it's addicting. I think I love it. No, really, I do.
Posted by: Nina | August 09, 2006 at 02:03 AM
mmm... I love House! Although I heard Hugh Laurie speak in his normal voice (he's British) and it freaked me the fuck out. It's just bizarre.
Oh, and I love watching Jesse Spencer, he used to be an Aussie teenage soapie star and he looks exactly the same as he did 7 years ago.
Posted by: Sassy | August 09, 2006 at 02:18 AM
L. oreos in the bra... maybe I'll try that for the anniversary this year. And, House is the only show I have time for.. sometimes. Now that's ruined since NL has explained it is the root cause of healthcare intransigence in your homeland., As a universal healthcare loving Canadian snob... I just can't be a part of that. damn you informative comments
Back to the yurt with a novella or two for me, I suppose.
Posted by: mo-wo | August 09, 2006 at 05:45 AM
We're getting the terrible two tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, too.
When we trying and talk to her during these times, she'll say, "No, mommy! Still crying!" or "No, daddy! Still crying!"
Then, the other night, in between wails during one of these fits, she would say, "Sorry, mommy! Whining."
Posted by: Kaz | August 09, 2006 at 08:34 AM
I just wanna know what L. was doing taking her bra off at the office?
p.s. The Wife and I talk about blogging, a lot, and we now just refer to you as 'M' 'D', and if that makes you feel like a 14 year old japanese schoolgirl - I hope I dont accidentally download you at some point.
Posted by: Pickle's Papa | August 09, 2006 at 09:09 AM
Here in Spain we have a cable channel that specializes in American tv series. I get to watch House and Sex in the City every night. Hugh Laurie is brilliant - I knew him from his British movies - and the series is just amazing. LOVE the sarcasm.
Posted by: Alexandra | August 09, 2006 at 10:22 AM
I totally agree with you on the text message thing. ALso the terrible twos is plural because I think it last two years.
Posted by: William | August 09, 2006 at 10:41 AM
Sheesh I don't even know where to start....They were all so funny! My favorite is the hand down the diaper. I could just see you both on the couth watchin TV in the same pose. hahaha.
Posted by: Maniacal | August 09, 2006 at 10:55 AM
I also just discovered "House" a few weeks ago.
http://kellyandiemama.blogspot.com/ --> she's got some House video that made me crack up
Posted by: Grace | August 09, 2006 at 11:42 AM
Okay, I have to take issue with the whole shortening words/phrases thing. There is one phrase that for some reason I love that has disappeared from the vernacular: Ribbi. As in short (?) for RBI, which announcers and broadcasters used to say all the time and they don't anymore. As weird as your obsession with pork rinds is my obsession with this term. I heard it used the other day and seriously did a little happy dance in the car.
Posted by: mrsfortune | August 09, 2006 at 11:46 AM
I just discovered your blog today via gothamist.com. I LOVE IT! As a new mother in NYC, it's refreshing to see someone cast parenting in such a humorus light. Looking forward to reading more!
Posted by: LP | August 09, 2006 at 11:57 AM
I've actually said 'night-night' to like the entire assembled office staff in the sing-song voice. I love a good laugh, even if it's at my own expense.
Great post, and good luck with the T2's (I actually found the 3's to be more terrible, but still, good luck).
Posted by: freezio | August 09, 2006 at 01:23 PM