An Open Letter to Tom Hanks

Dear Tom,

You and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the years.  Although I generally abhor the public's obsession with fame, I've always had a hard time accepting you as America's Favorite Leading Man and one of Hollywood's biggest box-office draws. 

Even though I loved "Bosom Buddies" and some of your earlier work, I think our relationship began to disentegrate when you won the Academy Award in 1993 for "Philadelphia."  Mainly, I was pissed because you beat out two of my favorite actors, Daniel Day Lewis ("In the Name of the Father") and Liam Neeson ("Schindler's List) with a performance that was best suited for a Hallmark afterschool TV show. 

Then, the next year, you won for "Forest Gump," beating out Morgan Freeman ("Shawshank Redemption") and Nigel Hawthorne ("Madness of King George").  Sadly, I realized that America was getting a case of Hankmania and that only alcohol could serve as an antidote for me. 

However, I think the nadir of our relationship really reached unfathomable depths back in 1999.  Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band were on their legendary reunion tour, highlighted by a sold-out, 15-show run at Continental Airlines Arena.  Through some good friends, I was lucky to get 2nd row tickets, backstage passes and the opportunity to meet Springsteen afterwards.  Aside from my wedding and the birth of my daughter, I don't really remember ever being so excited.

When I got to my seat, you and your lovely wife were sitting directly in front of me.  Whereas she danced like a normal person, you spent the entire concert doing that spastic dance you invented for your crappy film, "That Thing You Do!"  For more than three hours, I watched as you pointed your fingers in the sky and twisted your hips like a schoolgirl with hemmorhoids.  While I should have been watching Bruce onstage, I found myself absolutely mesmerized by your hypnotic Massai rain dance.  You singlehandedly sucked out all the joy from that concert. 

To this day, whenever I think about that evening, I start twitching and banging my head against a wall.

After that night, I couldn't stand you.  When I watched "Apollo 13," I rooted for your demise and hoped that you wouldn't return to Earth's orbit.  When you spent three hours talking to a volleyball, nobody was more bummed out than me when that passing ship saved your sorry ass. 

But last night, my beloved NY Mets were playing the Reds in Cincinnatti.  Suddenly, the camera panned to you sitting in the stands, waiting out an almost 3-hour rain delay with your buddy Opie.  When the game resumed, the camera came back to you.  Hmmm, I thought.  Not only did Hanks wait out the rain delay, it turns out that he knows how to score a game.  Maybe I was wrong about him?

Then, I hear that you and your closest friends are celebrating your 50th birthday by touring around in a bus and visiting every single ballpark in the U.S.  Fuck!  That's pretty damn cool.  You could have been like most celebrity egomaniacs and celebrated your 50th by renting out Oprah's private island or taking Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton to the Chateau Marmont for a quick menage-a-trois ride on The Polar Express.  But you didn't and I found myself respecting that.

Today, I open the paper and see an article about your birthday adventure, where you're quoted as saying, "the only requisite is that you have to be a serious baseball fan and funny to get on the bus."  The article then goes on to recount how you grew up selling soda and peanuts at Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum when you were a little kid.  When asked which was your favorite team, you replied, "I really just grew up hating France." 

Damn, that's pretty fucking funny!  Aside from the fact that this birthday bus idea is possibly the coolest thing I've ever heard, could I have been wrong about you, Tom?  After all, you seem like a decent guy.  You're a loving husband and a devoted father.  When the rain delay started, you didn't hide out in some luxury box.  You sat in the stands with an umbrella like a regular guy.  Maybe it's time I reevaluated our relationship.  I hate to say this but I think I actually like you now.  Wow, time really does heal all wounds!

But if I ever see you doing that fucking dance again, we're breaking up!

All the best,
MetroDad

Comments

[clearlykels]

I guess we can only assume that metrodad has moves better than Tom Hanks.

[daddy in a strange land]

Shock! The king of all things grammatical, typographical and etymological misspelled "Forrest," as in "Forrest, Forrest Gump," not "forest, forest fire." Heh.

[Corinne]

:) I'll admit, I'm a sucker for a good Tom Hanks movie. I've always thought the guy was pretty down to earth (never met him or anything) But I guess I'd have to see the dancing to understand.. maybe a little video demo of the dancing from Metro himself??

[Nina]

Oh, good idea Corinne! Please, MD, let us SEE how Tom dances. Sometimes, words just aren't enough.

Charlie's talked about that...touring the US by going to every baseball stadium. It sounds like it would be fun, but it would sure take up a lot of vacation time!

[Gen]

I don't get the France comment.

Does that make me stoopid?

[Leora]

My husband hates Tom Hanks and refuses to see a single movie that he's in. Of course, this rules out 20% of all movies.

[Amy]

Dude, you have had some pretty awesome experiences. 2nd row for Bruce Springsteen? I officially hate you. (I was sitting in nosebleed level for that tour)

[Pickle's Papa]

About the time I reached my descent into Tom bashing - I ended up working at the theatre in Cleveland where he began his professional career. When I went to my costume fitting I was directed to a renovated Fire Station that still had the pole from the upstairs storage/ changing rooms. I was told a Tom story there that made me laugh so hard that I nearly peed. I will not do it justice, but suffice to say he was doing psychotic laps upstairs and down the fire pole in partial costume pieces.

I wish I had space, indiscretion, and ability to recant the story admirably, but suffice to say he is aperantly a ridiculously funny and cool guy - in spite of his ability to draw at the box office.

[Melissa]

Metro, I am glad you have found reasons to like Tom. He is a great guy. And pretty dam normal for all the celebrity he has. He even made his kids get *gasp* real jobs in high school. Plus he does the greatest fireworks display I have ever seen.

Although, I don't find him to be the GREATEST actor either.

[candace]

That was a great post, even though I've always loved the Tomster.

But it's "Cincinnati". Three Ns, one T.

[Mama Nabi]

That was a great image of Tom Hanks... I, too, am not impressed with his acting; granted, he IS better than most so-called actors out there but he's not exactly De Niro. (Oh, okay, so I have a huge crush on Bobby De Niro but who doesn't?) However, from the little I know about celebrity gossip and such, I'm told he is a damn nice guy. Also, I sense that he's a very decent human being whenever I see him interviewed. Hey, maybe you can hop on his bus at one of these ball parks and have a heart-to-heart...

[freezio]

I thought the low point was he Balki imitation in The Terminal, though I did enjoy Cast Away in a slightly sadistic way; ie, if you hate Tom Hanks, you'll love Cast Away. I can't say he's a bad actor in my opinion, just that it's off-putting how much more popular he is than I think is warranted by his work.

[Ian]

"twisted your hips like a schoolgirl with hemmorhoids"? "hypnotic Massai rain dance"? Hah...those lines cracked me up, MD. You're like the king of all metaphors!

[honestyrain]

i'm one of those people who can't get over how much i loved him in bosom buddies and so always think og i like tom hanks. only? i don't think that i honestly do. he's grown so wearisome. he makes me weary. some.

[Waya]

I'm so glad you reconciled with Tom. I think he's one of the best actors around, and seems very down to earth. "Splash" was my first Tom Hanks encounter, and I'm hooked ever since.

[Velma]

"MD and Tommy, sitting in a tree..."

(Actually, I have no room to tease, considering the massive man-crush my husband has on Matt Damon and his monstrous veneers.)

[Izzy]

Geez...he's everywhere. Is he stalking you?

Honestly, I like Tom Hanks despite myself, despite my overwhelming desire to NOT like Mr. Popularity Everyman guy. But I do... I think it was "You've Got mail" that finally won me over.

But if I ever see him doing that dance you describe, all best are off!

[Pattie Lee]

I have generally liked Tom Hanks over the years, but have lately found myself thinking he's really overrated. And I won't get started on his horrible miscasting in The Da Vinci Code. Way to ruin the image I had of Robert Langdon.

[Peter]

I am and will remain Down with Tom Hanks
Despite his disgusting success

[Melissa]

MD- Did typepad eat your tampon post or did you take it down? I want to see what everyone else said and now it is gone. AHHHHH.

[IFLYG]

In my own opinion, Mr Hanks' career reached it's pinnacle with "Bachelor Party" ("...and tonight's lucky spice is: Paprika! Yay, Paprika!!") and everything since has been a bitter disappointment. Although I think I've managed to miss the last 50 or 60 movies he's been in, thank god.
But he does sound like a pretty cool guy - you should see if you can finagle your way onto that bus, MD.

[mrsfortune]

I still hate the fucker. But I love the word "nadir" and thank you for giving me my daily dose of it today.

[Pickle's Papa]

Yeah - that tampon post was my life. Can you find it in your heart to bring it back?

[Mom101]

Oh God, I know it would be so easy to hate him...but I don't. For all those reasons and more. Hard to hate a truly good "good guy," right? Even if the cynic in me questions the authenticity.

[landismom]

Geez, I'm sorry I missed the tampon post.

As for Tom Hanks, I liked him better when he took himself less seriously as an actor.

[Elsi]

i wish i could say i knew of tom hanks before he did forrest gump. but sadly, i'm only 21 and that is my first real movie memory of him.

[Tony]

I feel the same way about Kevin Costner. But I'm not so forgiving.
Maybe unless he buys me a car (a nice one, like in red)

[kristen Liberty]

Once upon a time I worked in a fancy antique shop and Rita Wilson was a client. She was pretty nice. She would talk about going out to Stephen's (Spielberg) house in the Hamptons, Then wrinkle her nose at these $1200 rugs like she couldn't afford them. Uhm, lady, we all know your husband made $20 million from his last movie.

[kristen Liberty]

So basically I know Tom Hanks...

[Baun]

Hilarious dude. I'd love to see one of your "Dear John" letters to your ex-gf's. She'd be bawling her out eyes, but she'd understand EXACTLY why she was dumped! My moment of reckoning for Tom was when I found out he was going to be in The Da Vinci Code. I was like, WTF, does he have to be in every popular movie? I still haven't seen it because of his casting. But also because I heard the movie sucks donkey balls.

[honglien123]

I too think Tom Hanks is an overrated actor. I mean, I think his best movies were Toy Story and Toy Story 2. Although, based on interviews he seems like a nice, down to earth, funny guy. Maybe it's because he grew up in Oakland.

On a side note. My little sister and brother went to the same Jr. High and High School he did (Bret Harte and Skyline). Me? I had to settle for MC Hammer's old High School.

[meee]

I Love Tom Hanks!!!
One of the greatest actors!

[Lumi (Pickle's Mama)]

OK, although I have been a number 1 fan of yours for over a year now, I ALMOST decided that I hated you as I read the first half of your post.

...then you saved your own ass by admitting the wondernous that is the Hank.

...as you can probably surmise, I adore TH with the passion of a million white-hot suns.

So glad to see you two made up!!

kisses,
Lumi

[Maniacal]

Not a Hanks fan, eh? I think he's an ok actor...although he lost me at The Terminal or whatever that stupid movie where he was living at the airport....I mean wha?

I LOVE that he hung out in the rain at the park. How un-celebrity of him. No butler holding his umbrella either? wow.

[Liberal Banana]

That's awesome! My bf and some other guys did a baseball trip but they only went to 3 or 4 stadiums. Now his goal is to see the Mets in a different city each summer as part of a vacation. Thus, we're going to CO at the end of August to see them play the Rockies! Good times.

Oh, and about Tom? As long as he doesn't have that god-awful mullet thing (DaVinci Code!) going on with his hair, he's okay by me.

[William]

I have always liked Hanks. He has always seemd to me to be just one of the guys.

[Brad]

I'm totally with you. I used to hate Tom Hanks. It wasn't him personally so much as the fact that I hated his characters/movies. Now, I'm kind of mellowing out. Although the casting of him in "DaVinci Code" killed me, I'm starting to like him too.

[Chris]

Tom's alright, provided he's lost the lame DaVinci Code Hair.

[Kristin]

I walked out of Forrest Gump and Joe vs. the Volcano... but, there is something truly likeable about the Hank.

[Kam]

I used to like the Hank until he addmitted last year that he cheated on his first wife with Rita Wilson. Mr. high-n-mighty husband? Not so much.

[enygma]

I like Tom Hanks even though I don't he's the greatest actor of his/our generation. He's always at his best playing nice guys. Unfortunately, I think it's going to take awhile for him to recover from The da Vinci Code, which I didn't even watch, but don't really feel like watching anyway because I think he was miscast.

[Queen of Ass]

I wuv Hanky-Panky.

[Pendullum]

Now in reading ole Tom Hank's birthday party festivities...
I wanna know if his family is included or if it is just a bus full of funny ole 50 year old men smoki' stoggies and drinking draft???

[dutch from sweet juniper]

I saw turner and hooch with my grandparents.

the double entendres made me uncomfortable.

[R2dad]

I have to give Tom some credit for dancing, period. If I was him, couldn't dance but had a smokin' hot wife who could, maybe I'd just stand and clap rather than remove all doubt about my lack of rhythm. I used to dance--until that moment I realized the dance world had moved on. Now I just shuffle around in order to avoid performing my own embarrassing Elaine dance. I'm a dad, so don't have expectations of being cool any more--and if I did, my kids would remind me how painfully un-cool I've become!
Hanks made it to the top as a comedic actor, just as John Candy, Steve Martin, Bill Murray and John Belucchi before him. He's best when sticking to that formula, though his best movies (Private Ryan, Green Mile) push him beyond comedy into tragedy, which, being a Mets supporter, he should be familiar with.

[Matthew]

First, my only brush with fame was that I took a piss next to Kevin Bacon in the Tavern on the Green mensroom. The experience didn't leave me that bitter.

Second, on your fiftieth birthday party, I totally want to be on that fucking bus.

[MetroDude]

What are you bitching about? You had free second row tickets to The Boss - and in NJ no less.

If you were up in the cheap seats, the guy in front of you dancing funny would have weighed 340 lbs and smelled like Onions and Aqua Velva.

[Mother-of-C]

too funny.

I read this out loud to my husband :)

[s@bd]

I respect Tom Hanks. But that doesn't mean I have to like him.

Although the France comment makes me want to like him big-time.

[Her Bad Mother]

I'm still not convinced. I will admit that the baseball thing and the France comment leave me somewhat more open to considering the possibility that he is not, like David Hasselhoff,* one more sign of the coming Apocalypse.

But then I think about that hairdo in the Da Vinci Code and I have my doubts.

(I should correct myself: David Hasselhoff is evidence that we may be living through the Apocalypse as we speak.)