A Hug's Life

I am positively head-over-heels in love with my daughter. 

At the age of 21 months, the Peanut has me completely wrapped around her little finger.  Whenever we're together, we spend most of our time being absolutely silly and laughing our heads off.  We're just two goofy kids having the time of our lives.  In fact, if you ever saw us together, you might actually overdose on all the cuteness.  Seriously, it's fucking nauseating. 

But despite our closeness, there's one thing that's always perturbed me about my relationship with the Peanut.  It's something that's been evident since she was born and, thus far, shows no signs of abating.  It's not a huge deal but, in a way, it sometimes makes me feel as if there's a large part of parenting that I'm completely missing out on.  I'm reluctant to make a big deal about it but the fact of the matter is...

The Peanut is NOT a hugger.

Don't get me wrong.  Whenever she sees other kids, she always runs to hug and kiss them.  Whenever she comes home at the end of the day, she immediately throws her little arms open to warmly embrace our dog.  And when it's time to go to bed, she always gives me and the BossLady a quick good night hug.  But it's more like one of those quick man-hugs that you give when you run into one of your boys at a club.  For the most part, she never really wants to hug us.  She's either too busy or she's just too independent. 

The ONLY times that she ever gives us one of those huge neck-grabbing bear hugs is when she's absolutey scared out of her Huggies.  Unfortunately, the kid is pretty much fearless and doesn't scare easily.  In fact, thus far, there are only two things that scare her enough for her to hug us...the ocean and the sound of the vacuum cleaner.  For some reason, those things scare the crap out of her.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that we have a great relationship with the Peanut.  I don't ever doubt her love for us and I know that her lack of hugging is due mostly to her fierce sense of independence.  But we're her parents.  We love her.  We adore her. We'd die for her.  Once in awhile, it would be nice if she would just run up to us and give us a big hug.  You know.  Just to let us know that she cares. 

Anyway, what I really want to know is whether you guys think it's bad that, every once in awhile, we not only turn the Dyson vacuum cleaner on full-blast for no apparent reason but also we try to take the Peanut to the beach as frequently as possible?

We're going to Hell, aren't we?  Shit, I knew it!

Comments

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Hugs are highly overrated -particularly those with spaghetti sauce involved.

Sadly, we don't need to run the vacuum - since Q loves to fall and break bones and all that, we get our fair share of unforced hugs.

:)

[nonlineargirl]

It is fine until she's 15 and reads your archives. Then you are screwed.

[weigooksaram]

Toddlers are so busy moving around that it's hard to get them to slow down long enough for a hug. K has only recently started giving us spontaneous affection.

I don't think you're going to hell. I secretly kind of enjoy it when K is sick and wants to snuggle on the couch all day.

[ShotgunDaddy]

I'm with you. Our first daughter spent much of her infancy curled up in someone's lap, so as a result she's always been a hugger. By the time our boy came along, though, we were a bit busier with two, so he spent a lot of time scurrying along on the floor. The result? He's not a big hugger, and that kind of sucks. Perhaps we should vacuum a bit more often...

[honglien123]

Parenting is all about manipulation.

[Red]

You are so going to hell! OMG that is hilarious.

[Middleman]

Too few hugs? Sounds like you've got everything else, and you're worried about too few hugs? Be careful, Metro. Don't jinx yourself.

[misfithausfrau]

I would be tempted to run the vaccuum and go to the beach every other day as well. My two girls are fairly affectionate--I would be bummed if the didn't like snuggling more.

FYI--I am going straight to Hell, too. At this point, I am just trying to upgrade to first class.

[William]

I feel for you. You are missing out on some grewat melting moments.

[Waya]

Don't worry MD, she will give you all the hugs and kisses in the world when she wants to borrow your car, mooch some more allowance from you, want to stay out later...oh, I'm so not looking forward to that stage in their lives. My hubbie said he's definitely putting a GPS system on our daughter when she turns 10.

[Kaz]

I say go for it - you're probably going to Hell for a lot of other things already, anyhow.

Hugs from one's little ones are the best.

[candace]

We have the opposite problem. My daughter is SMOTHERING me with all the attention and hugs and hanging on me that she can give. Seriously, it's becoming a problem.

Be careful what you wish for!

[s@bd]

LMAO.

We hate it when Sadie's sick (OF COURSE) but it sure makes for lots of snuggling and ... well ... that's rrrreeeeal nice.

[Aimee]

I think it's part independence, part "that age."

It would be nice if she hugged more and maybe she will. But sometimes our rugrats are so into exploring the world around them, they don't think to check in with a hug every now and then. There's too much to see and do!

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter. When she's older, she'll tell all her friends how cool (or whatever the appropriate term would be at that time) her dad is.

[Asha]

I have a feeling you may be on the CUSP of hugging. My son used to be a head-butter only. After about 3, he gained enough control over his wild, kinetic energy to actually give us hugs instead of hurling himself at us, pointy bits first. He, too, is the busy, independent sort, so he never sat in our laps as a baby or wanted to snuggle. Now (he's approaching 7) he's a big softie. And I got lucky with my daughter -- she was a hugger from the get-go.

[kittenpie]

oooh, I am sorry to hear that because I LOOOOVE me the hugs. My fave was the big bear hug that came with the phrase, "You my honey, mommy!" Errrr.

But anyway... daydreaming aside, have you tried asking her for one? Or how about swinging her around wildly when she gives you one so it's fun and totally worthwhile for the goofing factor? Just a thought.

[Linda B]

Of course she's not a hugger. She's Korean!

[Velma]

I've got one kid that clings and one kid that squirms. I get the squirmy one to cuddle by reading his favorite books with him in my lap. I get the clingy one off me by promising a piggyback to wherever we are headed.

I think you'll be surprised once she gets older. She may very well get more cuddle-friendly as she gets more focused and emotional. Or you may end up chasing her around the apartment with a vacuum until she's grown.

[rebekah]

We have the same problem with our little guy. He's just about 2. Wants to sit in the reading chair by himself. Sits in a big chair for dinner. Won't stop moving for a kiss/hug goodbye when I leave for work. No real kiss/hug goodnight either, he's all for his blanket and puppy. He's hardly sick so we don't get much cuddling that way. He will, though, kiss his cousin who's his size. And, he used to sit on my lap to eat off my plate which I accepted since at least I got him on my lap. Well, yesterday, hysterics until I moved my ass so he could share the chair with me.

We play I'm gonna get you just so I can grab and tickle him. You do what you have to do. As long as I'm bigger anyway.

[Maniacal]

I was like that as a kid too. My father is still lookin for hugs from me. LOL That's what happens when you raise a smart independant child. *shrug* But it's worth it. Maybe it will get better when she gets older.

[Mike]

I'm with Asha up above. Once you're through the early toddlerhood independence flexing, boundary pushing, hyper-contrariness (please, don't anyone tell me this is just *my* child), there be hugs! Proactive ones. Opportunistic ones. I-can- extend-my-bedtime-by- snuggling-with-Daddy-and- being-my-most-adorable-self ones. And you will milk it. And it will be good.

In the meantime, Peanut's fearlessness and apparent lack of need to check in with a hug every other 10 minutes indicates a real sense of security... and that is a true prize. I love a hug from my kid, but I also really love it when he clearly is taking his parents for granted and just out there exploring his world -all curiousity, motion, and safe-feeling.
So, MD and BossLady, pat yourselves on the back already, before I break out the Kleenex and go all "Roots and Wings" speech on ya.

[Mike]

Or you could just go to the coast and Dyson the beach...

[Queen of Ass]

First of all, you're totally going to hell, but not for that. And don't worry - I've rented the party room. PAR-TAY!

Second? Captain Stinky hugs. Unfortunately, this usually also involves squeezing various horrible gases from his nether regions, so I've learned not to enjoy it quite so much.

[Leora]

Don't worry about not getting hugs from Peanut at her age. Both my daughters were total non-huggers up until the age of 3. Then, they became the biggest cuddle bunnies you've ever seen. At this age, Peanut is just exploring the limits of her independence and is too busy doing her own thing. I'm pretty confident she'll be hugging you and bosslady in no time!

[Mike]

Korean parents are supposed to express their love through money, not hugs.

[Mama Nabi]

I was just thinking the exact same thing the other day... wish LN were a hugger. She hugs her Lego blocks, for pete's sake, and yet won't give me a hug unless she's hugging my legs because she's being whiny. Hm...vacuum cleaner, eh?? Maybe I'll try that little trick.

[Mega Mom]

I'm very pleased to report that my little guy (almost 3) JUST recently started to give the long great hugs. You may be in luck soon. I hope you are b/c yes, those are the best, aren't they?

[Kristen]

I used to worry about the lack of physical affection from our oldest (Bryce), but he is 4 now, and in the past couple of years, has become more and more affectionate. To a fault, sometimes, but I'm not complaining.

I bet Peanut will hug more as she gets older and expresses herself more and more.

[Tony]

You know, as much as I 'totally' love my daughter and would do anything in the world for her (pony with dyed rainbow hair). Sometimes I just don't want the hugs (with the snot running,"where'd that come from" fuzz off the floor that would get on my nice Banana Republic shirt...)

We'll sit together in hell.

[R2dad]

Not to worry, MD. Real but infrequent hugs are better than the cursory, meaningless ones you could be getting. R2Mum gets the real thing, as she is the source of all goodness (agreed). When R2Dad tries to sneak a hug, I usually get the Heisman.
I guess he's just not ready, but that won't keep my from trying.
It's a timing thing. When he gets his first big dissappointment, I gotta be there--even if it's just to take that forearm shiver.

[clearlykels]

My cousin was not a huggy, cuddly kid. My aunt and uncle were sad about this. She now has two kids (with a third on the way!!!) and she has the two most cuddly, huggy kids around. Every once in a while when one of her adorable ones is hugging her, she'll turn to her father and stick her tongue out in a "ha ha, I win" kind of way.

[Deanna]

The Munchkin is such an independently-minded, strong willed kid that you'd think she wouldn't be big on hugging. Um, no. With all of the time-outs that get handed out to her, she is constantly asking for "a big hug" to reassure herself that we still love her. Plus, she insists on snuggling with one of us (usually me) at bedtime after stories to get a backrub and cuddle.

And Baby Boy? He was a born snuggler. He adored being held by anyone as an infant, and gives the sweetest hugs now. I'm soaking all of the love from him in right now because I know the day is coming when he will totally reject getting hugged by his mommy.

[mrsfortune]

Holy crap, that is so funny, I just discovered that Jacob is PETRIFIED of the vacuum cleaner, like I've never heard him yell so loud as just now when I turned it on. And mine's not a Dyson, oh well. Which only really proves how little I use it, since he's 3 months old and I just discovered this fear of his. I'll remember it for future use cuz I don't think he's too much of a hugger, either.

[Liberal Banana]

Kids are afraid of vacuum cleaners? I thought that was just dogs. Who knew! I say, turn it on, buddy.

[landismom]

I agree with the folks who say the hugs are coming. Lately, when I pick up my son at daycare, he comes running up to me and says, "I love oo mommy!" while he jumps on me. The expression of physical love definitely comes later for some kids.

[enygma]

hm...I don't think I was much of a hugger. It didn't mean that I loved my parents any less, but I guess that's my nature. I even feel pretty awkward hugging my friends.

[Vampdaddy]

Vampbaby got into hugging only over the past couple of weeks, and it has catapulted me to new levels of warm fuzziness. I say, if it takes a little manipulation, it's well worth it!

[Grins]

Lol, yep you're going to hell. But good news is that the rest of us will probably be there with you.

More good news, my son would do the same thing as Peanut but now that he is 17 he will hug me. Well unless any of his friends might see. Serious dangerous to the coolness factor for that to happen.

[samantha Jo Campen]

I say vacuum the shit out of your house. Not only will you be in snuggle heaven, but you'll have a clean ass floor and really, does it get any better? I think not.

[twizzle]

I hear ya, man. My daughter (25 mos) is the same way: she gives cursory hugs only when I ask, and they are not long and lingering ones. I wish she'd want to snuggle with me for hours on end! No chance.

Guess this means we're doing a good job as parents. (I've heard that abused kids will cling to anybody, any time.)

[Mother-of-C]

My son is not a parent-hugger, but he loves his friends ( and the mothers of his friends .. err ? )

But strangely, he has become a kisser .. but this is good, as his parents are the non-emotive robotic kind, and hating it. It's just who we are, from non-emotive families.

I'm liking the mold-breaking. Maybe he'll melt us all into compliance .. I hope so ;)

[Kvetch]

Hey I'd turn on the Dyson once a day. How about asking for a hug, MetroDad? Do you do that? If not...give it a try. Maybe it doesn't come naturally to her, but she might like it if she tries it!

[papa2hapa]

A Dyson? Man you are a gadget freak! I'd say turn it on too much and she'll outgrow it. Try something inventive like a leaf blower just outside the house. Maybe you stand out there with it, while she hugs the momma, then momma goes out to finish it while Pumpkin hugs you.

[IFLYG]

Yoyo has been a big cuddler from day 1; she is like a little koala - she loves to just grab hold with both hands and nuzzle her face into my chest. Now I'm wondering if she just might be terribly, terribly scared all the time....

[Anne Glamore]

Have I told you yet that WHATEVER you do, DON'T let glitter come into your house in any shape or form. Not even on a macaroni Xmas ornament. Then you WILL be running the Dyson and cussing and Peanut will be in your arms so much you'll all need therapists.

Our basement floor looks like a sparkley nightclub, for God's sake!

[Xdm]

(Gah.. last comment. Clearly I haven't been around much.) I love my Dood so much more every day. I don't think I can, and then I do. Amazing, huh? I think we need to build it up for the teen years, when they turn into little know-it-all a-holes. (Like we were. :-)

[the mad momma]

Well, as a working from home mommy the brat sees a lot of me and as a result saves all his hugs for daddy. its heartbreaking but once in a while when he is shit scared or squashes a finger, its me he reaches out for. even then, its not so much a hug as just clinging for comfort. do kids really hug? I dont know. I need to bribe mine for even a teeny kiss...

[Granny]

I can feel the joy of years gone by.Love to read about the love you and Bosslady have for Peanut.Enjoy the years go by so fast.

[Janet]

My daughter hates the vaccuum too.Must be a toddler thing. You are a wonderful blogger. I love the way you write about BossLady and the Peanut. Keep putting the dreaded vaccuum on if it elicits a darn hug. I'd do it too...I have done it. My daughter loves to hug now. She didn't always. The vaccuum trick and the introduction of various strangers has changed that. And she's not even in therapy yet!! She'll be 3 in December...Plenty of time.

[Lynne Foster]

This post was hysterical! I am not a parent yet, not even in that stage of life, but I can totally see myself doing the exact same thing in 10 years! Brilliant.

No worries dude, manipulating your children to feed your own selfish desires is part and parcel of being a parent. Keep it up! :-)