Things Being An Uncle Has Taught Me (by MetroBro)

MetroDad was laid up in bed all of last week, semi-convinced that he had either contracted avian flu or got some rare disease from sitting on a dirty toilet seat in Hanoi.  Thankfully, it appears he just had some sort of flu that he must have picked up on the plane.  However, since he's still slowly recuperating, he asked me, MetroBro, to do a guest post.  Here's a quick one on what I've learned from being an uncle...


1. BABIES DON'T BOUNCE
...They bruise! And then certain "grown-ups" get all pissy and spiteful about it.

2. SHOW AND PROVE
When trying to show your sensitive side to girls, a photo of your niece is as good as a puppy on a leash. True, a puppy on a leash draws more attention on the street. But then again, you can't take puppies into bars and strip clubs. 

(I haven't tried the niece-on-a-leash thing yet.)

3. CARRY I.D. AT ALL TIMES
The eminent 16th-century French blogger ("frogger") Montaigne writes:

"Herodotus tells of a certain district of Libya where men lie with women indiscriminately, but where, once a child can toddle, it recognizes its own father out of the crowd, natural instincts guiding its first footsteps. There are frequent mistakes, I believe."

Oh, I believe too, frogger. Call me paranoid but I sometimes think the Peanut mistakes me for MetroDad. There are days when she sees me and I can tell she's thinking, "Hey, you're the guy who was here last weekend! We had a good time, didn't we? Gimme a hug, then we'll make the silly noises again." Other days her expression reads more like, "Wow, how did Da-da change his clothes and cut his hair so quickly?" 

(She thinks we "all look alike," maybe? Racist!)

4. CARRY PHOTO I.D. AT ALL TIMES, AND CLEARLY STATE THE DATE AND TIME OF YOUR LAST VISIT
Sometimes it's as if she doesn't recognize me at all. It's actually like a little kick in the heart when she hits me with the "Who did you say you were again?" look. Hot tears prick the corners of my eyes. I  go from pleading ("But I bought you your ExerSaucer, remember?") to threatening ("I bought you your fucking ExerSaucer!") to desperation ("I'll buy you a PlayStation this year, 'kay honey?").

Does this mean I'm not seeing her as often as I should? If it's been longer than a week, and I check in with MetroDad and ask what new words the Peanut has learned lately, he'll be sure to taunt me with something like: "The other day she said, 'Who's my uncle? I have an uncle?'"

5. TURD IS THE WORD
If you're not ready to have children of your own yet, but want to experience the thrill of feeling like a mature, responsible adult: Change a diaper.* It's such a rush. You get this buzz like you've suddenly gained five years in wisdom and bearing, but you can still sleep 'til 11 and smoke weed at noon.

*To get the full effect you have to change a brown gooshy diaper. A merely damp one doesn't count. You've got to feel like you're doing something major for the kid.

6. BEING AN UNCLE, V. 2.0
...Which leads us to the Big Question about being an uncle: "Doesn't this make you want to have kids of your own?" Well, no. Not yet. I'm good, for now. I get to come over, play with my adorable niece for a few hours, then go back to my self-centered, hedonistic, struggling-artist routine. Despite the fondest hopes of MetroGram and Gramps, being an uncle has NOT kicked my daddy-clock into overtime. But it has changed me. Listening to the Peanut form her first words, watching her take her first steps -- all this has made me wish for something I never knew I wanted before. I don't want to be a father. I want to be an uncle again!

Let's try for a boy this time!

Comments

[Anne Glamore]

Today is one of those days where being an aunt rather than a parent is sounding REALLY good.

Especially the part where I smoke weed, sleep late and go to a bar.

Notice you never once mentioned the word "carpool?"
Grr.

[Liberal Banana]

Well too bad MY brother's on the "No Kids, Thanks!" boat with me - I guess I'll never even get to enjoy being an aunt! Oh well, if I really want to feel like an adult, I'll...I'll...Oh, who am I kidding? Who wants to feel like an adult??

[Kristen]

Hmm, this having-a-brother-who-helps-with-the-kids thing sounds like a pretty good idea. I wonder if I could convince my brother how cool it is to be an uncle. Maybe I'd get some free babysitting out of it?

[William]

Being an Uncle and not a parent definitely has its advantages.

[Jurgen]

I've found that baby pics work much better than puppies. When I was single, I used to carry photos of all my nieces and nephews around with me. Amazing how women at bars would just go absolutely gaga over the pics.

[David]

Well, at least the way with the word seems to run in the family.

[Sammypants]

Why are MetroDad and his familial links so damn gifted in the talky talky on paper?

You, MetroBro, rock hard, only why not discuss the green poop? It's the GREEN POOP which gets you, in pungency and gawkworthiness. And the post birth Squishy Head. Come back soon!

[Ryan]

Ok, I think MetroBro also needs his own blog. Damn, you are one talented and funny family!

[margalit]

The way to really attract the chicks is to have a T-shirt made for the Peanut that says "I love Camp Uncle Metrodad" and then take her to the park wearing it. Women will think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread taking care of your precious niece for a few days while Metro and Mrs Metro get some rest. You do want another baby out of them, right? Well, you have to step up to the plate and do your part to make it happen.

[euphrosynely]

Loved this post! Say, does MetroBro have a suave French first name, too?

[Deanna]

Being an aunt is great! Just ask my sister... she gets all of the fun and paid to watch them (sometimes. If I'm feeling generous.). I am an auntie, too, but niece #1 lives in Oklahoma and niece #2 in Alabama... not condusive to spoiling/playing with cousins when we live in the Seattle area.

Great post, MetroBro - come back again!

[Kristen]

I think you are onto something "Wise Uncle Say..."

A book perhaps?

[Brent]

There are very few jobs on this planet better than being an uncle. You get to do all the fun stuff and tell revealing stories about your siblings to their kids. Plus, you rarely have to change diapers or deal with tantrums. It's like being the "good cop" all the time!

[Mama Nabi]

I have been that "niece on a leash"... run, Peanut, run, from the uncle who will only bring you anju from bars! (Oh, wait, he did get you that ExerSaucer - boy, talk about rubbing it in!) Hm, wonder if that's how my sister feels about LN - is that why she keeps buying stuff after stuff for her? You Metros sure are a funny lot - where's a post from the Peanut??

[mo-wo]

I think there is a strip club called niece on a leash?

You got a read us perfectly MetroBro!

[mo-wo]

Yes we are idiots who say things like:

You got a read us perfectly MetroBro!

When we mean to say

You got a read ON us perfectly MetroBro!

[leora]

You have to love a family that seems equally comfortable quoting both Montaigne and Laguna Beach. Rock on, MetroFamily!

[AlieMalie]

Get well soon, MetroDad. Sounds like the Peanut will grow up to be an oustanding young woman with influences such as yourself, BossLady and MetroBro for an Uncle. Always great to have a crazy uncle, eh? Just kidding.

:)
AM

[Angie]

You are a FUN-NY, FUN-NY uncle. Glad to know the Metrosenseofhumor runs in the family. Will you be posting again, and do you have a site of your own? BTW, refering to MD's last post, which famous person do you think Metrodad would cast as you in his answer to Heather's question on, "If your life were a sitcom..." or something like that...Anyway, nice work MB! Thanks for posting.

[Grins]

Wait, did you take Peanut to a stripclub? As Chris Rock says your job is to help keep her OFF the pole (even as an uncle).

[Queen of Ass]

Sweetheart, you DO know they have a neice-leash, right? Because they DO! It's wonderful! Its a full-blown harness, and wait till you see how much attention THAT draws when you walk down the street, or into those bars!

[Jessica]

I am SOOO WITH you metro-uncle! Thank god my bro and his wife had a nephew for me last august, to go with my perfect, precious niece from 2000. I'll tell ya, and I know you know this, but the joy I get from taking my niece to the funderland, or watching my nephew crack up now that he gets funny, beats crack, heroin, and any other thing you can throw at me. Sometimes I watch them and I fill up with so much love and joy that I think my heart may actually explode. Never thought I could feel this way, but there you have it!

P.S. -- We have plenty of time to have kids! I'm only gonna be 40 this year and we can have them til we're what, like 60? Okay - maybe I'll adopt or just keep living really close to the precious ones! But even though I'm single, I refuse to give up the concept 'til I'm 45!

[Mom101]

I am still stuck laughing at the notion of French + Blogger = Frogger.

Someone done raised you boys good!

[s@bd]

DAMMIT MetroDad. Could you at least have an un-talented brother?

[Poop Is Green]

Great read. Still laughing.

[flyff penya]

DAMMIT MetroDad. Could you at least have an un-talented brother?

[Adam is litter training]

This is a very interesting blog. You got a great humor going on there. I really enjoyed reading this. I’m not an aunt yet but I’ve already told my sisters that I want a baby in our family. I told my eldest sister that I was wondering when she will find THE ONE so they’ll have a baby, and I can be an aunt and I can spoil their baby. She just laughed at me because that is just not in her plans yet. She’s too young. Well, maybe that’ll just have to wait a little longer. I’m glad that I’ve came across metrodad.typepad.com. I had fun reading it!

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