"Why do I get the feeling that you will be the death of me?" — Obi-Wan Kenobi
Many of you know that I'm an avid reader of parenting books. And in my on-going quest to be a better parent, I've traversed the entire diaspora of parenting literature and gleaned bits of information from virtually every book ever written on the subject. However, after all this research, I think I've come up with a new and novel approach to parenting.
I'VE DECIDED TO RAISE THE PEANUT AS A JEDI.
Like young Master Luke, the Peanut is both impatient and impetuous. Therefore, I believe that she would benefit greatly by learning the way of the Jedi. Their collective wisdom has provided guidance for thousands of generations. How can you argue against that?
I have to admit that part of the fun in raising one's child as a Jedi is that you get to talk like Obi-Wan Kenobi or Yoda all day. But in all seriousness, I'm finding that these Jedi pearls of wisdom are turning out to be a lot handier than I thought!
- When the Peanut sees me eating a cookie and runs over to grab it out of my hand, I quickly hide the cookie in my pocket and say, "Your eyes can deceive you; don't trust them." Other times, I'll look her straight in the eye and say, "These aren't the cookies you're looking for!"
- If we're at the playground and Peanut tries to follow one of the older kids, I pull her aside gently and whisper, "Tell me, Peanut. Who's the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?"
- Lately, she's been having fun pushing me around. I'm trying to break this habit quickly so she doesn't do it around other kids. Any time she pushes me, I boldly prounounce, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
- And when she starts throwing a hissy fit demanding that something be done HER way, I'll just pick her up and loudly proclaim, "Only Sith deal in absolutes!"
In teaching the Peanut the ways of the Jedi, I've been forced to use a few Jedi tricks of my own. As I mentioned last week, the Peanut has become a very fussy eater. Therefore, for the past week, I've used my Jedi powers at dinnertime every night to convince her that she's actually a dog. I put her food in a dog bowl, set it on the floor, and say to her, "Puppy, you are. Hungry is the belly of the puppy!"
And just like that, she's convinced that she's a little puppy and will start eating out of her dog bowl...
What? You've never played Jedi tricks on your kids before? No, really. Never? C'mon. 'Fess up! Have you?
Notate Bene...
(1) When training a young Jedi, it is imperative to ensure that your child's powers be used only for good rather than evil. However, it is equally important to make sure that they never use their newfound powers against you. Peanut's friend Juniper is also a young Jedi and has sometimes been known to mind-trick her own parents.
(2) Yeah, internets, I know this is a terrible precedent to set. If I don't stop feeding her out of a doggy bowl, the Peanut is only going to want to eat on the floor. However, I'm thinking of just sticking a tatami mat under her butt and say that she's eating "Asian-style." What do you think? Is the wife going to buy it?
.
The force is strong in some....not so strong in others.
My husband tries to use the jedi mind trick to get oral sex.... think it works?
(note the use of the verb "tries"...it's a hint)
Posted by: wn | March 29, 2006 at 12:46 PM
God, I'm constantly telling my naughty five-year-old to use his powers for good and not evil. And that he's supposed to bring balance to The Force. (I can't believe I actually capitalize those words.) When the boys are acting up, I have actually tried to use Force Lightning and Force Choke on them. Bad Mommy. Oh, and my license plate reads, "GOT JEDI". This is what marrying a geeky Korean guy does to a gal after 15 years...
Posted by: lisa | March 29, 2006 at 12:46 PM
I am more of the Master Yoda school of teaching...
"Poop in the potty, you will" or "Read 'Bear in a Square' again, I will not. Choose another book, you will", or "Hit people, we don't".
Get the picture, you do.
Posted by: Sarah | March 29, 2006 at 12:49 PM
Hilarious idea, MD. Never thought about raising our kids the Jedi way. Might have to give it a try!
Posted by: Brent | March 29, 2006 at 01:00 PM
MD,
I don't know what to say to you. Either you're brillant or you should start saving for her therapy fund. Let me knoe if this one works, "These aren't the cookies you're looking for", because I might give it a try. Does it work on Ben And Jerry's ice cream?
Posted by: Melissa | March 29, 2006 at 01:10 PM
Ya know MD, sometimes it's scary how alike we are...
I have been teaching The PB & The J the ways of the force since they were born (that and how to say "D'oh!")and continue to do so to this day.
Like "That's not poop,it's a space station." or "I find your lack of putting your toys away disturbing." and "I thought that diapers smelled bad on the *outside*."
Posted by: Kemp | March 29, 2006 at 01:14 PM
Oh how I wish I were more of a geek, so that I would have a witty comment to make here.
But what I really want to know is, what is she eating out of that dog bowl?
Posted by: landismom | March 29, 2006 at 01:22 PM
here's how I read your post:
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalall[picture of cute Asian baby eating from dog bowl]
??????????????????????????
Dude - you gotta send that into parenthacks.
"If your child won't eat anything, try feeding them from a dog bowl"
Posted by: Kristen | March 29, 2006 at 02:10 PM
My favourite is "There is no try, there is only do, or do not." Although Miss Mary, at 15 months doesn't always get that one, it sends my husband into fits of helpless laughter when I say it.
Does feeding your child out of a dog dish really work? Cause I can't for the life of me get Mary to eat anything other than yoghurt and cookies...maybe I need to invest in a dog dish...
Posted by: Jenn | March 29, 2006 at 02:15 PM
please, please tell me that you refer to her as a "youngling."
-ling is probably my favorite suffix.
Posted by: dutch | March 29, 2006 at 02:24 PM
Dude, whatever it takes to get the kid to eat. I think the floor/doggy bowl is a great idea, and I'd steal it from you except that we don't have a dog.
Posted by: Wood | March 29, 2006 at 02:49 PM
Posts like this restore a little of my faith in humanity.
...How do you keep MetroDog out of The Peanut's dinner? This must be kind of confusing for him, no? More importantly, who has the nicer food dish?
Posted by: Ten Feet of Steel | March 29, 2006 at 03:15 PM
The dog bowl thing is pure genius.
Posted by: bill | March 29, 2006 at 03:25 PM
Genius... kids love to pretend they are puppies.
Posted by: clearlykels | March 29, 2006 at 04:15 PM
Oh man, MD. The Peanut is going to love looking back at those photos of her eating dinner out of a dog bowl. I'm sure you'll have a lot of explaining to do.
Posted by: leora | March 29, 2006 at 05:02 PM
If I went home to find Papa Nabi feeding Little Nabi out of our cat bowls, "In deep shit, he will be." So does that answer your second question? Of course, it's the kind of thing that I'd do, like when a treat falls on the floor, I offer it back to LN and tell her "It never left your hand."
Posted by: Mama Nabi | March 29, 2006 at 05:11 PM
So you don't have to talk backwards like Yoda to be effective? That's cool.
It's actually a very good idea to raise the Peanut as a Jedi. It's my hope that some day I can just raise my hand and concentrate on something...like a beer or TV remote...and my daughter will BECOME the Force herself and bring it to me.
"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not."
Posted by: CroutonBoy | March 29, 2006 at 05:20 PM
I feed my 16 month old like a dog too, though I don't use a doggy bowl. But that's an idea! Doggy-style works. After complaining for so long that my little girl wasn't interested in table food, she'll eat a decent amount if I feed her like a dog. I say whatever works. My nephew's bedroom for several months was a closet, not even a walk-in kind. He liked to sleep in there. It worked for him, so that's where he slept for a while.
Posted by: Puka | March 29, 2006 at 05:35 PM
MD,
Be careful of the Jedi ways; they could backfire on you. As you know, mine are a bit older. I have one who has become Vader to the core. He was an angel when he was younger.
He loves capes & masks, always wears black and we have the Vader theme as a ringtone for when he calls.
We call him, "The Evil One".
Posted by: LeeMarv... | March 29, 2006 at 05:37 PM
This was a hoot, MD! My older Padawan loves watching Star Wars - we're getting her hooked early. I am currently using my own Force powers to make her do my bidding - fetch me a diaper, you will.
As for Peanut and the doggy bowl - "Good food, hmm? Good, hmm?"
Posted by: Deanna | March 29, 2006 at 06:24 PM
haha, you should contribute to the book, "How to Con your Kids" =P
Posted by: Suka | March 29, 2006 at 06:36 PM
Ya know, Metrodad. One of the main reasons I love coming over here to read your site is because you make parenting sounds so much fun.
Posted by: Albert | March 29, 2006 at 07:19 PM
darn cute post, if my husband the crazed star wars fan reads it he is surely going to go beserk.
Posted by: mistry | March 29, 2006 at 08:17 PM
You should have gone with the "Asian-style" dining. At the very least, it'll keep the hate mail at bay.
Posted by: enygma | March 29, 2006 at 09:47 PM
nice job with the rice rolls inside the dog bowl! does she like anything else yet? have you tried vienna sausages for the peanut? i know gross, but mine made three or four disappear in one sitting when she had them for the first time yesterday.
Posted by: jubie | March 29, 2006 at 11:21 PM
Jedi? Dog bowl? It's all good, especially considering that Metro Dog has probably been stealing food from her all along . . . that is, it's all good so long as you're not dressing Metro Dog up as an Ewok.
Bad that would be.
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | March 29, 2006 at 11:54 PM
I don't even want to know how many times Peanut has to withstand "I am your FATHER".
I am so getting a dog bowl tomorrow.
Posted by: Mega Mom | March 29, 2006 at 11:55 PM
Is that really a doggie bowl? Because it looks exactly like the baby bjorn toddler bowl we have and suddenly I'm thinking that we got duped.
Posted by: Mom101 | March 30, 2006 at 01:18 AM
My children have been raised as Jedi's since birth. Unfortunately, they seemed to have lost their connection to the force. Often, when I ask them to get me something, say a glass of water, they try to use the force, but alas, it does not work. But they keep trying.
Posted by: margalit | March 30, 2006 at 01:40 AM
Yeah, I've been using the force from the begining, like using the force to change diapes from across the room. The stink is strong with this one.
Posted by: matt | March 30, 2006 at 01:52 AM
You might just have cured me of my Star Wars allergy. I'll look at them as comedies from now on.
May the poop be with you...
Posted by: David | March 30, 2006 at 04:52 AM
We TOTALLY have to try & feed Monkeyboy like a cat...he's 3 1/2 - think he'll fall for it?? I'll do almost anything to get him to try fruits & veggies...
Posted by: Phat Daddy | March 30, 2006 at 07:50 AM
My niece is the same way. She will only eat off the floor with the puppy. She gets mad when you put her in her seat.
Posted by: Ty | March 30, 2006 at 10:57 AM
Since she is not kimchi squatting, your wife is not going to buy it. I feel a tremor in the Force....like a thousand voices crying out at once, or...Korean spousal abuse by wives going up.
Posted by: Mike | March 30, 2006 at 11:56 AM
Funny, my boys used to try bathing in the dog water and eating dog food, but never once did I think to feed them THEIR FOOD from the dog bowl.
Posted by: Emily | March 30, 2006 at 12:59 PM
Somehow I doubt that's gonna work with the Mrs., but hey! What's the worst that could happen??? (heh!)
Posted by: Queen of Ass | March 30, 2006 at 02:38 PM
Hey Metrodad,
I love reading your blog and looking at the photos of your family. But when do we get to see Bosslady?
Posted by: Liz | March 30, 2006 at 10:29 PM
BoBo Brooklyn: http://www.bobobrooklyn.com/catalog.php?item=176&catid=66&ret=catalog.php%3Fcategory%3D66
I bought one fo rmy daughter, and she's not even born yet!
Posted by: Kim | March 30, 2006 at 11:12 PM
The dog bowl is brilliant! I'm going to use that. I can't seem to keep Chance from helping himself to the catfood bowl anyway. You'd think he'd taste a pellet once and not eat it again but nooooo.
The Force, that's a good idea. Though I think I'll try it on Keen first...
Posted by: the weirdgirl | March 31, 2006 at 12:59 AM
I'm sure there is a joke in here somewhere, about Asians eating dogs...(which I can say, cause I'm Asian, so back the hell off my ass, everyone!)
Also, this may come as a shock but I happen to be the only person on the planet who has seen only the very first Star Wars. (Being married to a science fiction fan, this is grounds for divorce.)
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | March 31, 2006 at 03:12 AM
Jedi parenting...love it!
Please be careful with the dog bowl idea. Although it's so cute to see her sitting there and eating that way now, it's not so cute when the subject in question is a 38-year-old man. That's right, the hubby still eats his morning cereal from a dog bowl. It raises eyebrows when we have visitors but hey, at least he's house-broken!
Posted by: Tawnya | March 31, 2006 at 10:24 AM
Oh, no, sweatpantsmom, you aren't the only one. I'm a HUGE sci-fi fan and a slightly less huge than I used to be fan of Star Wars (since the prequels). I've been trying to get the wife to watch the original trilogy for fourteen years. She has yet to make it past the Cantina scene before falling asleep.
Posted by: Sammy Jankis | March 31, 2006 at 11:37 AM
Do you think they make that blue onesie in grown-up sizes?
Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | March 31, 2006 at 01:17 PM
I don't know if your wife will buy it, but I'm buying it!
I think you can file this under the "Whatever works" section of parenting guides.
Posted by: Matthew | March 31, 2006 at 03:51 PM
Uh oh, I think my toddler's a jedi already. I said to him, "it's time to change your diaper." He said "no change diaper time, blowing horn time!" Then he picked up a cardboard tube and started blowing into it. Suddenly I found myself taking a turn blowing the horn too. Yikes!
Posted by: lynn | April 06, 2006 at 03:08 PM
Hi MD - found you through ParentHacks and just had to stop by and say we are a Star Wars family through-and-through. One of my 19-mo-old daughter's first words was "hoo-pah" - which is, of course, the sound of Darth Vader's breathing mask.
Great post. Visit you often, I will.
Posted by: PHAT Mommy | April 29, 2006 at 10:11 AM
Awesome post - would love to see these ideas on minti.com too as many parents could benefit from a smile at a Jedi thought/comment or two :)
Some kids just speak like Yoda all the time and it always gets me smiling.
Keep up the great blogging!
Posted by: Matt | April 30, 2006 at 09:28 PM
This is funny. I know first hand that kids like to eat as, and pretend they are dogs. When I was a kid I said that I was a dog and I wanted to eat off of the floor like the one. From that day on, till this day, even though I am 20, my older sister still calls me pooch.
Posted by: Mussy | July 21, 2006 at 10:31 AM
I recently came across your blog and have been reading about Child Custody. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Posted by: Child Custody Agreement | February 23, 2010 at 04:51 AM
Got the Original Pictures and Videos of this, Contains Sexy Pictures and Celebrity Videos available on My Website,click my name above.
Posted by: almost nude | February 10, 2013 at 08:54 AM