March Mailbag (v. 2006)

It's been awhile since we've done a MetroDad mailbag.  For those of you unfamiliar with this aspect of the site, this is when I answer questions submitted by my readers.   Some of the questions are related to parenting.  Some of them are, um...not.  As always, I'll start off by saying that I have no professional experience except for my 37 years on this planet and the brief 17 months that I have been a father.  Any consequences of taking advice from me are at the reader's own risk. 

Let's kick things off, shall we?

.
Dear MetroDad---my youngest nephew is graduating high school this spring and my sister (who is a single mom) wants me to sit him down and give him some worldly advice before he sets off for college.  I'm not really the philosophical type.  Any idea on what sort of advice I should give the kid?
-Steven (Vancouver)

I believe that philosophical advice is best left for philosophers.  I think kids today really just want some common-sense rules to keep them out of trouble.  There are a lot of mixed messages going on out there.  You never know where wisdom is going to rear its pretty little head.  Personally, the best advice I ever heard came from the highly-underrated cinema classic "Teen Wolf."  Here are the timeless words of Coach Bobby Finstock...

"I have three rules which I live by: Never get less than 12 hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the first name as a city, and never go near a lady with a tattoo of a dagger on her hand.  Now you stick with that, and everything else is cream cheese."

Pretty good advice, don't you think?

Alternately, you can follow the wisdom of my always verbose father who, upon dropping me off at college, gave me a couple hundred bucks and merely said, "Be careful" (translated from the original Korean, this brief two-word aphorism actually means, "Don't even THINK about doing anything to fuck this up.  Don't get kicked out of school.  Don't get in any bar fights.  Don't get anyone pregnant.  If you do any of those things, we will disown you in less time than it takes for me to fly out here and kick your ass!  Have fun.")

MD, during a recent interview on "The View", Donald Trump said that he would probably date his daughter, Ivanka, if they weren't related.  How disturbing is this?  What's wrong with this guy?  As the father of a teenage girl, I'm scared to let my daughter out of the house!
-Brian (Philadelphia, PA)

Brian...apparently, Donald has been making statements like this about his daughter for quite some time.  In fact, I believe the last time he admired his daughter's nice figure, he even added that she's got "YUGE breasts," a "fifty billion dollar ass," and is "a gazillion times classier than that Martha Stewart lady!"  What can you say about Donald?  He says things for shock value in order to get attention. Most people don't take him for anything more than the blustering PR machine that he is. 

But since actions speak louder than words, you know what really gets my boxers in a bunch?  Billy Joel.  Have you seen his new wife?  She's 24 years old!  He's 57!  His daughter is 22!  I know there's a precedent with rich guys marrying younger women but Billy Joel clearly violated the long-honored Younger Woman Age Limit Rule (Divide your age by two, then add seven.)  Besides, seeing Billy Joel with his new wife also goes beyond the Raised Eyebrow Rule.  Because of them, we're forced to start a new category, The Puke a Little in Your Mouth Rule.  At least Trump's new wife is a LITTLE older than his kids!

(Going back to Trump...have you guys heard that Raj from "The Apprentice" is running for Congress?  Next thing you know, a pro wrestler will be governor of Minnesota!)

Dear Metro---My family is constantly making fun of my pregnant body.  The last time they came over, my uncle couldn't stop laughing when I stepped outside to the pool in my maternity bathing suit.  Then, my MIL got her camera and said, "I was told to get blackmail pictures."  At the time, I was 30 weeks pregnant and had only gained 19 pounds.  I'm perfectly fine with my weight gain but my family is pissing me off.  What can I do to get them off my back?
-Susan (Arlington, VA)

Fight fire with fire, Susan!  No offense but you've got a family full of insensitive assholes.  Sure, you could take the mature route and politely ask them to refrain from making any pregnancy jokes because they're hurting your feelings.  But, personally, I think you're better off fucking with them.  Next time your uncle says something, just burst out into tears and wail as loud as possible!  Then, in front of your uncle, ask your husband to kick his ass.  The two things that most men can't resist are a woman's tears and the thought that they may have offended another man's wife.  If your uncle has any sense of shame, he'll feel like a total heel.

As for your MIL?  Blackmail that bitch right back.  Next time she's in the shower, pop open the bathroom door, take a few photos of her naked, smile lovingly, and say, "Sorry.  I was told to get some blackmail pictures.  See you on the internet!"  Let's see who gets the last laugh!

MD, my wife is pregnant with our first child and I'm freaking out about money.  All this baby crap is so darn expensive and my wife is going nuts with her daily trips to BuyBuyBaby.  What can I do?  Should I get a second job?
-Leo (Seattle, WA)

You're in luck, Leo! I can solve all your money problems right now. I have developed a fool-proof way of making money fast.  Plus, you can work from the confines of your own home!

If you want to find out how to make over $1,000 just by asking people for money, please send me a check or money order in the amount of $1,000 (c/o Manhattan Porsche, NYC). 

Act now and you'll receive a complimentary ColdHeat Soldering Tool.  It's yours to keep ABSOLUTELY FREE!  As seen on TV!

Hey, MD, did you watch the Oscars last week?  Did you notice that Reese Witherspoon almost forgot to thank her husband Ryan Phillipe when she won the Best Actress award?  How funny would it have been if she had forgotten to thank him?  And if YOU won an Oscar?  Who would you thank?
-Larissa (Los Angeles, CA)

Funny that you mentioned this.  As several people have noted in their hate-mails to me, I'm a self-centered egomaniac.  Therefore, as one might expect, I've already written all my speeches for when I (1) win an Oscar, (2) receive the Nobel Peace Prize, and (3) gain admittance to the Baseball Hall of Fame. 

But, in all seriousness, BossLady and I have actually discussed my Oscar speech in great detail.  We both decided that I should definitely break precedent and start off by thanking myself.  Because without my undeniable talent, there's no way I would have won the award.  Second, I would definitely thank BossLady because she has to put up with me and my insanity on a constant basis.   But that's it!  No praise to agents, managers, stylists, studio execs or personal assistants.  MetroDad don't kiss no ass when he's paying out suckas 15% of his gross earnings. 

As for Ryan Phillipe?  All I can say is that it can't be easy when your wife is pulling in $29 million per movie and YOUR best known work is playing Billy Douglas on "One Life to Live."  The sooner he comes to terms with being Best Supporting Spouse, the better off he'll be.   Besides, when he gets really despondent, he can always jump in the Bentley and grab lunch at the Ivy with Rita Wilson, Kelly Preston, and Jada Pinkett.  There are worse things than being a Hollywood wife (or so I'm told.)   

MD---I'm not sure whether you can help me out with a problem we're having.  In order to toilet train our 3-year-old son, I've been offering him a scoop of ice cream for every time he manages to "pee pee or poo poo in the potty."  Unfortunately, my reward strategy seems to have backfired.  The kid's blackmailing me now.  Although he's fully trained, he still wants his ice cream and if I don't give it to him immediately, he just pulls down his pants, squats, and craps all over the carpet.  I think I've created a monster.  Help!
-Brad (New York, NY)

Dude, I'm speechless.  This is far beyond the realm of my parenting experience.  I have NO idea how to toilet train a child nor have I yet to experience infant blackmail.  Anyone else want to take this one on?  Anyone? 
 
Metro, did you watch "24" last week?  Can you believe they killed Edgar!  And to make matters worse, they brought back annoying Kim?  Are they fucking with us or what?  Any thoughts on all of this? Are you still watching the show?
-Andrea (Tulsa, OK)

The death of Edgar really got to me.  I fucking loved that guy.  He wasn't good-looking.  He had a lisp.  He was a low-level civil servant.  Poor dude.  Somewhere up there in heaven, Edgar, there's a double-meat cheese steak with your name on it.   And I know I'm not the only one who felt like this because, if you noticed, the producers gave Edgar the very rare silent clock at the end of the episode (which has only happened 4 other times.)

As for the show?  I'm still loving it but, like many people have mentioned, I think they're going a little overboard with the cameos.  Bill Simmons mentioned recently that it's absolutely ridiculous that we're halfway through the season and Sean Astin has yet to wear his Notre Dame jacket on the show.  I totally concur. 

However, all the absurd cameos have added an interesting twist to watching "24." In fact, my favorite new pastime while watching "24" is to yell out famous lines from other movies in which the the current collection of cameo co-stars have appeared.

Whenever Sean Astin appears, I find myself yelling, "God damn it!  You're a Ruettiger! There's nothing in the world wrong with being a Ruettiger!"  When I get tired of using that line, I sometimes just put on my quiet voice, turn to the BossLady and say, "Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo?"

Whenever Peter "RoboCop" Weller appears, I yell, "Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

So you can only imagine how happy I was to see C. Thomas Howell on the show last week.   When he left CTU at Jack's request, I immediately yelled out at the TV, "Stay gold, Pony Boy!  Stay gold." 

Try this game at home next time you're watching the show.  It's pretty fucking fun.  Meanwhile, I'll look forward to more new episodes.  Who knows who they'll bring on next?  Maybe Ralph Macchio?  Aidan Quinn?  Rick Springfield? 

Meanwhile...I'll mith you Edgar Thiles.

.

Comments

[rach]

I am 18 years old and definitely not a parent, but as for the 3 year old using blackmail, maybe you could make him clean it up. Be on hand, of course, but make him scoop or sweep it up.

Does he do this even if he poops in the toilet? Where does all that crap come from?

[ShotgunDaddy]

You know, I may be the only person in America who hasn't watched a single second of 24 (though I admit I'm curious of one thing -- is each successive season a successive day, or does this guy get a break between catastrophes?) but the idea of catching a C. Thomas Howell cameo is intriguing. Really, what better line is there from any movie?

Oh, wait. Just thought of a few:

Karate not here, karate here.
If I can change, and you can change, we all can change.
Demented and sad, but social.
Kickboxing, sport of the nineties.

Okay, I'll stop. Stay gold, MetroDad. Stay gold.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

I thought the Best Supporting Spouse trophy went to Chad Lowe - I figure he has a lock on that even if they are separated. I mean, shit, Hilary has two Best Actress statuettes.

All I can ever think of with Sean Astin, other than Rudy quotes, is "Goonies never say die!"

And for Peter Weller my line is "I've been ionized, but I'm okay now." A little Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension for ya.

[Kristen]

Um Metro Dad ~

What's your favorite Karaoke song?

Please don't say Kung Fu Fighting... LOLOLOL

[MetroDad]

I had completely forgotten that C. Thomas Howell had starred in a kickboxing movie. Funny people remember THAT over his 2nd best role (in "Soul Man") & classic quote, "Looking good, mamma, looking good. Well, I gots to be going now!"

Big Dubya...Nice call on Chad Lowe. Not only is he a leading candidate for Best Supporting Spouse, he's also the 1995 winner of the Baldwin Family Award, which is awarded to the least talented actor who has ridden his sibling's coattails to a brief career in Hollywood. Past winners include Dan Swayze & Frank Stallone.

[Ryan]

MD, that Teen Wolf quote is classic! Hilarious post.

[Brent]

Dude, I just snorted coffee out my nose when I read the line about you watching "24" and saying, "Do you remember the shire, Mr. Frodo?" Great idea.

My wife and I are hooked on "24". Have you heard the latest rumor? Ed Norton is going to appear this season as John Bauer (jack's brother). What quote you going to use for him?

[Kemp]

How sad is it when someone is riding Rob Lowe's coattails??

"People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden."

[landismom]

You're not thanking the Peanut in your acceptance speech? Come on, if it wasn't for that kid, you wouldn't be the semi-notorious blogger you are today.

As for the pregnant woman & her absurd family, I've got two words for your uncle: chocolate laxatives.

[Chag]

I'm with landismom. Gotta thank the kid.

And when you win your Oscar, thank the Devil just to be different. You'd always be remembered.

[s@bd]

Maybe try with the potty training advice. Trust me, at the stage I'm in, your 2 cents might be just what I need.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Are you kidding me? Ryan Phillipe's best work is OBVIOUSLY 1996's "White Squall," also starring Scott Wolf, Jeremy Sisto, and Balthazar Getty! Rent that shit -- it's fantastic. I'm surprised he wasn't writing HIS Oscar speech when that came out.

[Leora]

I had NO IDEA that was C. Thomas Howell on "24" last week. What happened to him? He looks terrible, doesn't he? Or maybe I can stand him because he's dating that annoying brat, Kim Bauer.

And Raj running for Congress? I fear for this country's future!

[renefjr]

I love it! The last line of the 24 question is the best! I'm still cracking up!

[Jason]

When I see C. Thomas Howell, I yell "WOLVERINES!!!"

[MetroDad]

If Ed Norton appears on "24" (which would be brilliant casting), I'm going with "This is Bob. Bob has bitch tits!"

Holly..."White Squall." Awesome! How did I miss this movie when it came out? With a tagline of "The strongest force in nature is the will to survive," I've got to rent this classic. Netflix, here I come!

Jason...nice call on the quote from "Red Dawn!" Very impressive!

[Mr. Wonderful]

Advice for boys bofore college high school grade school..
1. Never force yourself on a girl. Never ever! If you do your mom will cut your balls off

2. If you knock up a girl be a man and don't blame some other guy.

3. Never ever kiss and tell. It so wrong to brag about bagging a girl to your friends.

But of course this advice is dated and so pre Paris and the other children we are raising today.

[Jennifer C.]

Brad, our little boy did the same thing when we were potty training him. Even though he was fully trained, he'd just poop on the floor whenever he didn't get what he wanted. He knew this would drive us insane. The way we stopped it? We sat him down calmly and told him that only little boys threw tantrums and pooped on the floor. Since part of toilet training is making the kid feel like he's older and more responsible, it seemed to work. Not sure that it will work for everyone but thought it might help your situation.

[Stephen Zopf]

Hey does anyone have any predictions on who will "pay the ultimate sacrifice" tonight? That was the tag line for the promo for tonight's "24" episode? I think it will be Tony. Any thoughts?

[Melissa]

Great post as usual. I would love to see someone get up and thank themselves. It would make those stupid awards shows more interesting.

[Lucinda]

This is terrific. You really should give advice for a living....

[Queen of Ass]

I think it's time for the potty blackmailer to pee on cherrios instead. That kid's gonna have one hell of a dental bill when he gets older!

[sweatpantsmom]

I love rach's comment, "Where does all that crap come from?"

My guess is, if that kid is scarfin ice cream every time he poops he's got enough fatty dairy product lodged up in his colon to put Ben&Jerry's outta business.

[L.]

And here I thought my daughter was the only "vengeful eliminator" -- our pediatrician didn`t believe me when I told her our then 2-year old daugher would pull her pants down and pee on the floor if she didn`t get her way.
MD, you crack me up.

[rwc]

Best pre-college advice:
Only break one law at a time. It's when you're breaking two or more that you end up spending the night at county.

[freezio]

Kid's blackmailing you huh? Two can play at that game. Brad, your floor pooper will have to be blackmailed in turn. Poop on the floor = loose binkey (or substitute high-attachment item) priveliges. Oh but Rach, I think your idea of having a 3 yr old clean up poop may be ill advised. take a minute to picture it in your mind. Not pretty.

[candace]

The reason the kid is a vengeful eliminator is because he knows it drives his parents crazy. Just stop reacting. Calmly take him to the bathroom and have him sit on the potty while you calmly clean up the mess. No buttons being pushed = cessation of the act.

[Curtis Manning]

Can you believe they killed McGill AND Tony on "24" last night?

[misfithausfrau]

After reading your comments, I am relieved to know that I am not the only person in America who doesn't watch 24. There just aren't enough hours in the day to watch shows. And now that the Sopranos are on, Fugetaboutit!

[rach]

Yeah freezio, I thought about that. When I made that suggestion, I was thinking about how long it took to house break my dog, since no one else in my family would let him out or help me by being consistent with everything. So I just left crap on the floor for them to pick up.

So essentially, I had to train my family to house-break a dog before I could actually do anything.

Also, what in the world is 24?

[RBrown]

Don't forget the other rule, which I like to call the "Is that bile rising in my throat?" rule which applies to husbands CURRENTLY in the Best Supporting Spouse Role who USED to be in a Most Philandering Spouse Role. A friend of a friend who knows Reese Witherspoon from Nashville days told me Ryan hasn't always been so faithful but now that she's pulling in 29 mil per picture apparently he's now acquainted with the "Who's really buttering ryan's bread" rule. Jesus, I sound like a Melissa Rivers segment gone bad.

Shotgun Daddy, whoever you are, you have earned a new and faithful fan and reader by throwing out possibly 5 of the best quotes ever. Thanks for taking me back!

[Mom101]

Dear Brian,

You could do worse than having your teenage daughter marry Trump. By the time he divorces her and moves onto the next young thing, she will be no more than 30 and able to provide for you, your entire extended family, your circle of friends, and pretty much anyone else who asks nicely for the rest of their lives. Think about it.

Best,
Liz
Brookyn, NY

[Ed Bacchus]

Susan, next time you get an offensive comment about her figure, ask one of the family brainiacs to figure out a way to get pregnant without the weight gain. Until then, shut the F??k Up....

[kittenpie]

geez, that puts Trump right up there with Jessica Simpson's icky dad who comments on her assets with some regularity. Just in case anyone who might be interested has forgotten to look recently.

[amy]

Oh! White Squall! I forgot about that movie--but THE LINE from that movie is "You're the glue, man".

AS for potty training, I'd just put the kid back in diapers until he decided to poop on the potty regularly, and without enticement. Though I could certainly see that not working. Hey, good luck with that!

[Tweets]

You totally needed a *SPOILER ALERT* on the last question! I always watch each season of "24" after it comes out on DVD - in one, long, eye-bleeding weekend of television viewing.

Which means I have to take great pains in preventing myself from knowing what's happening on the current season, and that includes (but is not limited to) running out of the room and plugging my ears during promos for upcoming shows, and not reading about it on blogs! ;)

(This comment totally needed a *NERD ALERT!*)

I need to get TiVO, or at the very least a hobby.

[LeeMarv...]

MD, Do you save this stuff up, or what??...geez!

Some ramblin' of my own.

Joel/Trump - Well, surprise, surprise, famous people disguised as pedophiles. If a normal person said some stupid shit like that, they'd be stoned by the neighbors.

Don't watch 24, but did anyone see CSI:NY last week? Michael DeLorenzo from NY Undercover was on...boy did he look rough! He looked like Mickey Rourke in Sin City! What the freak happened to him?

Parenting - Body Size, potty training, et al: Parenting is hard friggin' work and costs lots of money. It ain't like you haven't seen it done before. Git back on the porch if you can't run wit the big dogs!

And finally, MD, you're a genius!

[Paulie B!]

I seriously think you should consider a career in television. I would love to see what you'd come up with if someone gave you the oportunity to write a sitcom.

[nina]

I just scared Caius with my laughing.

[alice, uptown]

Thanks for clarifying the ages involved in the men-dating-younger-women rule. I was not aware such a formula existed -- but since my brother is 41 and his girlfriend is 20, apparently he is playing within your guidelines.

Next question: how does this formula apply to older men having babies with younger women?

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The app lets you post on multiple platforms at once, which saves you considerable time if you use
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