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March 12, 2006


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I am 18 years old and definitely not a parent, but as for the 3 year old using blackmail, maybe you could make him clean it up. Be on hand, of course, but make him scoop or sweep it up.

Does he do this even if he poops in the toilet? Where does all that crap come from?


You know, I may be the only person in America who hasn't watched a single second of 24 (though I admit I'm curious of one thing -- is each successive season a successive day, or does this guy get a break between catastrophes?) but the idea of catching a C. Thomas Howell cameo is intriguing. Really, what better line is there from any movie?

Oh, wait. Just thought of a few:

Karate not here, karate here.
If I can change, and you can change, we all can change.
Demented and sad, but social.
Kickboxing, sport of the nineties.

Okay, I'll stop. Stay gold, MetroDad. Stay gold.

Mr. Big Dubya

I thought the Best Supporting Spouse trophy went to Chad Lowe - I figure he has a lock on that even if they are separated. I mean, shit, Hilary has two Best Actress statuettes.

All I can ever think of with Sean Astin, other than Rudy quotes, is "Goonies never say die!"

And for Peter Weller my line is "I've been ionized, but I'm okay now." A little Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension for ya.


Um Metro Dad ~

What's your favorite Karaoke song?

Please don't say Kung Fu Fighting... LOLOLOL


I had completely forgotten that C. Thomas Howell had starred in a kickboxing movie. Funny people remember THAT over his 2nd best role (in "Soul Man") & classic quote, "Looking good, mamma, looking good. Well, I gots to be going now!"

Big Dubya...Nice call on Chad Lowe. Not only is he a leading candidate for Best Supporting Spouse, he's also the 1995 winner of the Baldwin Family Award, which is awarded to the least talented actor who has ridden his sibling's coattails to a brief career in Hollywood. Past winners include Dan Swayze & Frank Stallone.


MD, that Teen Wolf quote is classic! Hilarious post.


Dude, I just snorted coffee out my nose when I read the line about you watching "24" and saying, "Do you remember the shire, Mr. Frodo?" Great idea.

My wife and I are hooked on "24". Have you heard the latest rumor? Ed Norton is going to appear this season as John Bauer (jack's brother). What quote you going to use for him?


How sad is it when someone is riding Rob Lowe's coattails??

"People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden."


You're not thanking the Peanut in your acceptance speech? Come on, if it wasn't for that kid, you wouldn't be the semi-notorious blogger you are today.

As for the pregnant woman & her absurd family, I've got two words for your uncle: chocolate laxatives.


I'm with landismom. Gotta thank the kid.

And when you win your Oscar, thank the Devil just to be different. You'd always be remembered.


Maybe try with the potty training advice. Trust me, at the stage I'm in, your 2 cents might be just what I need.

Nothing But Bonfires

Are you kidding me? Ryan Phillipe's best work is OBVIOUSLY 1996's "White Squall," also starring Scott Wolf, Jeremy Sisto, and Balthazar Getty! Rent that shit -- it's fantastic. I'm surprised he wasn't writing HIS Oscar speech when that came out.


I had NO IDEA that was C. Thomas Howell on "24" last week. What happened to him? He looks terrible, doesn't he? Or maybe I can stand him because he's dating that annoying brat, Kim Bauer.

And Raj running for Congress? I fear for this country's future!


I love it! The last line of the 24 question is the best! I'm still cracking up!


When I see C. Thomas Howell, I yell "WOLVERINES!!!"


If Ed Norton appears on "24" (which would be brilliant casting), I'm going with "This is Bob. Bob has bitch tits!"

Holly..."White Squall." Awesome! How did I miss this movie when it came out? With a tagline of "The strongest force in nature is the will to survive," I've got to rent this classic. Netflix, here I come!

Jason...nice call on the quote from "Red Dawn!" Very impressive!

Mr. Wonderful

Advice for boys bofore college high school grade school..
1. Never force yourself on a girl. Never ever! If you do your mom will cut your balls off

2. If you knock up a girl be a man and don't blame some other guy.

3. Never ever kiss and tell. It so wrong to brag about bagging a girl to your friends.

But of course this advice is dated and so pre Paris and the other children we are raising today.

Jennifer C.

Brad, our little boy did the same thing when we were potty training him. Even though he was fully trained, he'd just poop on the floor whenever he didn't get what he wanted. He knew this would drive us insane. The way we stopped it? We sat him down calmly and told him that only little boys threw tantrums and pooped on the floor. Since part of toilet training is making the kid feel like he's older and more responsible, it seemed to work. Not sure that it will work for everyone but thought it might help your situation.

Stephen Zopf

Hey does anyone have any predictions on who will "pay the ultimate sacrifice" tonight? That was the tag line for the promo for tonight's "24" episode? I think it will be Tony. Any thoughts?


Great post as usual. I would love to see someone get up and thank themselves. It would make those stupid awards shows more interesting.


This is terrific. You really should give advice for a living....

Queen of Ass

I think it's time for the potty blackmailer to pee on cherrios instead. That kid's gonna have one hell of a dental bill when he gets older!


I love rach's comment, "Where does all that crap come from?"

My guess is, if that kid is scarfin ice cream every time he poops he's got enough fatty dairy product lodged up in his colon to put Ben&Jerry's outta business.


And here I thought my daughter was the only "vengeful eliminator" -- our pediatrician didn`t believe me when I told her our then 2-year old daugher would pull her pants down and pee on the floor if she didn`t get her way.
MD, you crack me up.


Best pre-college advice:
Only break one law at a time. It's when you're breaking two or more that you end up spending the night at county.


Kid's blackmailing you huh? Two can play at that game. Brad, your floor pooper will have to be blackmailed in turn. Poop on the floor = loose binkey (or substitute high-attachment item) priveliges. Oh but Rach, I think your idea of having a 3 yr old clean up poop may be ill advised. take a minute to picture it in your mind. Not pretty.


The reason the kid is a vengeful eliminator is because he knows it drives his parents crazy. Just stop reacting. Calmly take him to the bathroom and have him sit on the potty while you calmly clean up the mess. No buttons being pushed = cessation of the act.

Curtis Manning

Can you believe they killed McGill AND Tony on "24" last night?


After reading your comments, I am relieved to know that I am not the only person in America who doesn't watch 24. There just aren't enough hours in the day to watch shows. And now that the Sopranos are on, Fugetaboutit!


Yeah freezio, I thought about that. When I made that suggestion, I was thinking about how long it took to house break my dog, since no one else in my family would let him out or help me by being consistent with everything. So I just left crap on the floor for them to pick up.

So essentially, I had to train my family to house-break a dog before I could actually do anything.

Also, what in the world is 24?


Don't forget the other rule, which I like to call the "Is that bile rising in my throat?" rule which applies to husbands CURRENTLY in the Best Supporting Spouse Role who USED to be in a Most Philandering Spouse Role. A friend of a friend who knows Reese Witherspoon from Nashville days told me Ryan hasn't always been so faithful but now that she's pulling in 29 mil per picture apparently he's now acquainted with the "Who's really buttering ryan's bread" rule. Jesus, I sound like a Melissa Rivers segment gone bad.

Shotgun Daddy, whoever you are, you have earned a new and faithful fan and reader by throwing out possibly 5 of the best quotes ever. Thanks for taking me back!


Dear Brian,

You could do worse than having your teenage daughter marry Trump. By the time he divorces her and moves onto the next young thing, she will be no more than 30 and able to provide for you, your entire extended family, your circle of friends, and pretty much anyone else who asks nicely for the rest of their lives. Think about it.

Brookyn, NY

Ed Bacchus

Susan, next time you get an offensive comment about her figure, ask one of the family brainiacs to figure out a way to get pregnant without the weight gain. Until then, shut the F??k Up....


geez, that puts Trump right up there with Jessica Simpson's icky dad who comments on her assets with some regularity. Just in case anyone who might be interested has forgotten to look recently.


Oh! White Squall! I forgot about that movie--but THE LINE from that movie is "You're the glue, man".

AS for potty training, I'd just put the kid back in diapers until he decided to poop on the potty regularly, and without enticement. Though I could certainly see that not working. Hey, good luck with that!


You totally needed a *SPOILER ALERT* on the last question! I always watch each season of "24" after it comes out on DVD - in one, long, eye-bleeding weekend of television viewing.

Which means I have to take great pains in preventing myself from knowing what's happening on the current season, and that includes (but is not limited to) running out of the room and plugging my ears during promos for upcoming shows, and not reading about it on blogs! ;)

(This comment totally needed a *NERD ALERT!*)

I need to get TiVO, or at the very least a hobby.


MD, Do you save this stuff up, or what??...geez!

Some ramblin' of my own.

Joel/Trump - Well, surprise, surprise, famous people disguised as pedophiles. If a normal person said some stupid shit like that, they'd be stoned by the neighbors.

Don't watch 24, but did anyone see CSI:NY last week? Michael DeLorenzo from NY Undercover was on...boy did he look rough! He looked like Mickey Rourke in Sin City! What the freak happened to him?

Parenting - Body Size, potty training, et al: Parenting is hard friggin' work and costs lots of money. It ain't like you haven't seen it done before. Git back on the porch if you can't run wit the big dogs!

And finally, MD, you're a genius!

Paulie B!

I seriously think you should consider a career in television. I would love to see what you'd come up with if someone gave you the oportunity to write a sitcom.


I just scared Caius with my laughing.

alice, uptown

Thanks for clarifying the ages involved in the men-dating-younger-women rule. I was not aware such a formula existed -- but since my brother is 41 and his girlfriend is 20, apparently he is playing within your guidelines.

Next question: how does this formula apply to older men having babies with younger women?

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