Random things that entered my mind this weekend in Vegas

On Friday night, we went to SW Steakhouse and gorged ourselves on porterhouses.  One of the guys eating with us was wearing a leather jacket, leather shoes, a leather belt and drinking a milkshake.  I couldn't get over the irony.  It was like he was half-man, half-cow!   Surprisingly, nobody else thought this was funny.  I think I'm getting weirder in my old age. 

Another guy in our group was a hard-core vegetarian and refused to eat with us at the steakhouse.  But later during the weekend, I saw him eating fried chicken and scrambled eggs.  How does that work?  Why does he love cows but hate chickens?  At one point in his life, did chickens kill someone in his family?  I wanted to ask but I was afraid it might bring back too many painful memories.

One of the things I really love about America is the fact that we're not afraid to deep-fry anything.  Whether it's fried turkey or fried twinkies, the strength of this nation was built on Canola oil.  I thought I'd tried everything but, on Saturday night, we went to Fix Restaurant and I had deep-fried Macaroni and Cheese.  It was amazing!  I could actually hear my arteries hardening.

When I was driving from the airport to the hotel, I saw billboards advertising concerts by Ann Margaret, Debbie Reynolds, Englebert Humperdink, and Wayne Newton.  I guess these people are, in some way, all very famous people.  But it's weird because I don't know a single piece of their music.  If I met them and was forced to talk to them for several hours, all I would be able to do is talk about the multiple episodes of Fantasy Island and Love Boat that they were on.  Do you think they would be offended?  If you were going to be famous for ONE thing, wouldn't guest-starring on one of those shows be right up there?  By the way, does anyone know what happened to Charo, Charles Nelson Reilly, and Susan Anton? 

I went to a nightclub on Friday night with twelve guys.  Eight of us were married and six of us have kids.  If you want to feel old, go to a nightclub with a bunch of married fathers.  All I could think of was that kids dress too skanky these days and I'm never letting my daughter out of the house. 

In my next apartment, I think I'm going to remove all the clocks, put the bathrooms as far away from the TV as possible, and have oxygen pumped in on a regular basis. 

Contrary to popular belief, wearing a tuxedo in a casino does not make you look like James Bond.  Unless, of course, there happens to be another James Bond and he's a fat cocktail waiter with a porn mustache working the graveyard shift at Binions. 

My hotel room this weekend was on the 14th floor but the hotel didn't have a 13th floor.  I'm not normally superstitious but, at several points over the weekend, I was a little pissed because I realized that if the Boogieman came and attacked my hotel, he'd definitely be starting on the 14th floor and I'd be totally fucking screwed.  Shouldn't that be worth a discount or something?

My room had motion sensors on the minibar.  If something is removed from the fridge or the tray for longer than 15 seconds, you are automatically charged for it.  You know all those movies where the thieves are trying to trick alarm systems by quickly replacing diamonds for a bag of stones?  Well, I think I've seen too many of those movies.  I spent about half an hour in my room trying to replace a bag of chips with some socks.  It never really worked.  But I have to say that those were the best $200 potato chips I've ever had. 

While I was sleeping in the aisle seat on the flight back home, the man next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Yo, can I get out?"  I didn't like his attitude so I said, "What's the Magic word?"  He decided to ignore me so I refused to get out of my seat.  But finally, because he had to pee so badly, he turned to me and said, "Please."  Now, is it really so painful for someone to say the word "please" that they'll actually wait until their bladder is about to burst before they say it?  Has being rude become a matter of principle for some people?  Am I going to have to spit in EVERYONE'S Diet Coke?  Sheesh!

It's good to be back home.

Comments

[Pattie]

Sounds like you had a fun time in Vegas. I'd go every few months if I could (read: if my husband would let me). Last time I was there, I ended up pulling an all-nighter with my mom. Only in Vegas...

Last I saw Charo she was on an episode of "That 70's Show." And she was still every bit as scary as she was on "The Love Boat;" my husband had never seen or heard of her before, and he hasn't been the same since.

Coochie coochie!

[dutch]

and I thought asians were all so well behaved on airplanes.

and you know that scene in that movie with catherine zeta jones and the decrepit old james bond where she's a thief and she sticks her butt up to avoid the laser trip wires? you've ruined it for me because now all I picture is your fried macaroni and cheese eating ass trying to replace potato chips with moldy old socks.

[Brent]

I have tried those fried mac and cheese sticks at Fix. Might be the most delicious thing I've ever tried in my life. Last time we were there, one of my buddies ate 7 of them by himself. It was possibly the most impressive thing I've ever seen in Vegas!

[Stephen]

One day, someone has to explain to me why it's ok for vegetarians to wear leather but not eat meat. I never understood that one. I'd ask one of my friends but they're all carnivores.

[candace]

Your friend *could* be a pesco or pollo vegetarian, but it sounds more like he's a hypocrite.

Charo released an album last year (Charo and Guitar), Charles Nelson Rielly is the voice of "The Dirty Bubble" on SpongeBob SquarePants (and also still performs in the theatre), and Susan Anton was in "Whistlin' Dixie" in 2004.

You're welcome.

[Leora]

My husband and I were just talking this past weekend about how nobody says "please" or "thank you" anymore! Not even in restaurants or stores when you're patronizing them with your business! Frightening!

[landismom]

Wow, just last night I was wondering why the Dirty Bubble sounded so familiar! Thanks, Candace.

MD, you've left out the most important info of all. Whadja bring me?

[Rbrown]

you had me at half-man, half cow. i'm still laughing. i added udders in my vision, btw.

charles nelson reilly was on tour a few years ago - touring for what, i have no earthly idea. but touring. maybe he was touring with brett sommers - also of match game fame.

only in vegas. jesus.

[KC]

"All I could think of was that kids dress too skanky these days and I'm never letting my daughter out of the house." -- I'm so with you there. Yes, society is trying to drag our daughters' pants down and off, all in the name of fashion or whatever they call brain damage these days.

[AlieMalie]

Please spit in everyone's Diet Coke. Except mine - I won't spit in yours, deal?

People are becoming ruder as time goes on. I was entering a building the other day and there was a bit of a rush to get out - though I had enough time to dart in if I wish (and then let the door slam shut on the people exiting - which I should have done in retrospect), I stopped and held the door. Did any one of the multitude of people even think about saying, "thanks?" Nope. Not a one. To hell with 'em.

I'd like to say that the next time this happens, I'll just go in and let the door slam shut, but I'm not that kind of person. Perhaps I'm too nice.

Anyhoo ... hope you had a great time in Vegas.

:)
AM

[Nancy]

Wow. Once upon a time, I sampled a fried twinkie at the TX state fair which was divine but the idea of fried mac & cheese is having a siren song effect on me. So, Vegas here I come? Perhaps; either that or I am going to make a HELL of a mess in our kitchen tonight.

I guess the only-chicken guy draws the line at animals with eyelashes (or as my husband explains, the "no mammals" diet). Or maybe he just got his ass kicked by Foghorn Leghorn.

[misfithausfrau]

If that deed fried mac& cheese was wrapped in bacon, it would pretty much be an orgasm on a plate. Aww yeah.

Is it me, or do the full time gamblers in Vegas NOT have the gray/green pallor of the AC variety?

Welcome back!

[Leemarv...]

MD,

Fried Mac&Cheese...dude, sho me where da party at...I've never heard of that!

Yes, the kids these days want to wear their clothes off their asses, or in some cases below the cheek, and have the nerve to have a belt on so they don't fall down to their knees. That's so freakin' funny to me!

Was this the bachelor party you were going to...or was it something else?...or shouldn't I ask...WGOIV,SIV!

[Kim]

Let's not forget the folks across the pond who deep-fry their Mars bars. I no longer think Americans have cornered the market on decadent grease.

[Kim]

Let's not forget the folks across the pond who deep-fry their Mars bars. I no longer think Americans have cornered the market on decadent grease.

[Melissa]

I thought Charo was on some show last year on VH1. You know, save the losers or something. The half-man, half-cow comment was so funny. I can totally picture him. He might even be my great uncle. Glad you had fun in Vegas. Last year we went but somehow I missed the fried Mac and Cheese. I have tried the fried Twinkies before.

[ElizabethN]

Hey, Charo's got a new album out!

[Susan]

Re the half man/half cow: Charlie was a cow for Haloween when he was two; he wore the costume all the time, which meant that often he would be wearing it in restaurants, where he would loudly order 'A HAMBURGER PLEASE! WITH FRIES AND KATCHUP!'

Little cannibal.

[L.]

Vegas.... my parents retired there. Imagine that -- going to Vegas to VISIT MY PARENTS. Think about it. It`s not pretty.

[Ellen]

Going there next month! Can't wait to try that fried mac-and-cheese. Yum!

[Jen]

Fried things are some of the best things in life (fried mac-n-cheese is awesome, but please, don't try it at home). That being said, the absolute BEST things in life come deep-fried AND on a stick. I love foods on a stick. How handy is that? But combine the fascination of food-on-a-stick with fried canola goodness - and you have heaven. On a stick.

[DP]

Nothing like clogging up the ol' arteries. When I was in Scotland, I heard about deep-fried Snickers bars. Yeah. I think that's why they have one of the highest rates for heart disease. Funny how that works out, eh?

And I hear you about the rudeness. I, on the other hand, am such a chicken shit on flights. I never want to disturb the person next to me. I actually held my pee for the entire three hour flight to Toronto just so I wouldn't have to wake up my neighbor. I think I need help.

[Phat Daddy]

Anyone of Scottish or Southern descent can tell you that frying is the cooking method of the gods. Have you ever had a fried Mars bar. It's damn close to Heaven (eat enough and you'll see Heaven much sooner than expected). If you really need to get your arteries clogged, I suggest Chip Shop in Park Slope or A Salt and Battery.

On those rare occassions that I go out with my younger friends to clubs i always find myself asking them, "Hey do I look like the creepy old guy or a narc? Are those girls hookers or clubbers? What time is it? I'm sleepy."

I agree too that people's manners are appalling, but were they ever really that good to begin with, or are we just getting cantankerous in our approaching middle age?

[the weirdgirl]

Oh, if I mention the deep-fried mac and cheese my hubby will book us a trip to Vegas. He's already tried the deep-fried snickers bar. For one of his birthdays I bought him a deep fryer; we spent the whole weekend frying various foodstuffs!

I'm one of those weird people who still says please and thank you. I even smile at perfect strangers! It's gets me the fish-eye at first but then they usually say thanks back! See, you gotta use those subversive methods to bring back manners.

[Anne Glamore]

I've NEVER been to Vegas. I'm trying to convince my husband to take me because I think I could pack my one long dress and wear it anywhere without people thinking I'm overdressed. True or false?? I've only gotten to wear it once.

[Carmen]

I believe that I saw a quote by you in my local paper this morning, talking about changing tables in men's rooms. Good job!

[Marty]

Danke schoen, MD. I've got a Wayne Newton album I can send you. You don't even have to pay the shipping.

[Nina]

What is with not having a 13th floor anyway? Will people really not stay on the 13th floor or something. A lot of the high rise buildings in LA (office buildings, not hotels) lack the 13th floor. And in Asia I heard a lot of buildings don't have a 4th floor (because 4 in Chinese sounds like death or something like that...)

[Queen of Ass]

I don't think I'd bother with even one of those "concerts."

[Sheryl]

You are hilarious. I've never heard of fried mac & cheese, but I have heard of fried twinkies, and fried snickers bars.

[bill]

Recently, I saw a sign at IHOP for Fried Cheesecake. Seriously Fried Cheescake.

[Pepa]

Oh!! I am rolling on the floor of laughter!!!
This is just another masterpiece!!!!
Best Regards from Madrid, Spain!!

[heidi]

Did nobody see Charo ON Desperate Housewives last week?

[Luper]

dude, you suck - where is the new post