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February 09, 2006


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Hah! That's nothing! I'm of Middle Eastern descent. You should see the looks I get when going through airports. 'Course I'm also a 2nd generation Southern boy so everybody relaxes when I open my mouth and start drawling like a good ole boy.


I can't wait to throw my arms around you and shout, "I just don't know how to quit you, Ennis!"



HAHAHA. I think the guy with the cowboy hat and collection of scissors and razor blades is from somewhere in Arkansas. His name is Bubba. You should make nice with him, you never know when you might need a razor blade. It won't save you from a tsunami but it might come in handy at the hotel. Just kidding. Great post.


I know why they always stop you...because you're all ninjas and we all know the following facts about ninjas:

1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

the weirdgirl

I think you should buy a cowboy hat, get Boss Lady to dress like a stripper, and insist a tsunami is coming when you go through security... it's YOUR turn to screw up the security line for once!! (This probably would only be funny in the south, and only to us non-southern people.)


I once worked for a Latino-based agency and we had to go to a conference in Kansas City. They let every damn white person on that plane but they stopped the Mexicans and made us strip.

(Okay, they made us take off our shoes, but damnit, the white people didn't have to remove their shoes!)

Dude, are EVER going to travel to San Diego? Cause I can't get enough of you. You sonofawhoreson bitch!


I love you like a fat kid loves cake.


Very funny, MD. As an Asian-American guy, I totally agree. We SHOULD be allowed to go right through security! And that shit at the hotel? Happens to me ALL THE TIME! Now, I know what to say back to them. Thanks!


Surely you can come up with a reason to come to Atlanta.


I think that is impressive that you can get upgrades on rooms. Do you go back to the same hotels hoping they recognize you? Just so you can act like it wasn't you and get the upgrade? Cool.

Gay Dad

Right on, Metro! I don't think gay guys should have to go through security either! What have we ever done?


Dude, too freakin' funny! And I totally hear you. My pops and bro go through the airport screening process EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Me? Occasionally. They think I'm some weird Mexican/Italian/Indian hybrid. Way to keep it cultural, whities!


Long time reader...first time poster...Hilarious! Have to say that this post made me want to comment. As an Asian myself, I can relate! Keep it up!

suburban misfit



I totally love your stuff. And while enjoyed this particular post I am wondering about one thing.

You heard about Bush detailing the "foiled attack" on L.A. right? Supposedly Teh El Kye-Duh were going to use "terrorists from an Islamic group in Indonesia" So I am betting one of two things will happen:

1. TSA will hold classes teaching the differences between the Asians so as to pick out the mooslims better.

2. You all are gonna get stopped EVERY FREAKIN TIME now :)

Seeing as how I am a pale faced nerd in addition to being Midwestern-Whitey I somehow STILL get that damn red mark on my boarding pass the past 4 times!! C'mon how about I don't get to be the token whitey this time?!?


Want to know what sucks? Being mistakenly put on the watch list! Or having the same name as someone else who is on the list. I get flagged every single time I go to the airport. It drives me crazy! I literally have to get there half hour before I normally would. I appreciate the security precautions they're taking in this day and age. But man, they've got to do SOMETHING to improve the efficiency!


The only suspicious looks I get are when people go, "Oh, you're Puerto Rican? Huh. You're just so...pale." And when I talk about how hard it is quitting heroin and crack and having been married five times. Kidding. About the crack, that is.


I travel a lot too, and I am so super efficient at getting through security (shoes off, laptop out, coat off, pockets emptied, cell phone in bin) that if there were to be a Super Hero version of me, that would be my power!!!

You teased me with the TWA logo... I'm from St. Louis and I miss 'em. I never thought I would. I mostly miss being a HUB and I miss their generous Elite program where I got lots of perks and upgrades. They make American Airlines look downright mean and stingy.


Amen, brotha! I guess it's true that all Asians look alike to some people. Same thing happens to me at hotels when I travel. Never thought to shame them into an upgrade of free drinks. Thanks for the tip!

Linda B

Traveling with my husband is the best way to get through security unscathed. For me, that is. Ha

He has these scary, cold eyes of steel and dark coloring that make him look suspicious, not to mention always having fifty million electronic gadgets attached to his body and his luggage, making him look like he is planning a take down of.. something. Ridiculous.
By the time he's been patted over and poked with the wand, he's had enough and usually heads straight for the bar for a JWB on the rocks.

One time (at band camp?), I was on a flight from Seattle to Korea and this Japanese guy was DYING because he couldn't smoke on the plane. He ended up sneaking in the bathroom for a quick smoke and got caught and fined, I believe. That is the only exciting, rebellious thing Asian men ever tend to do on flights. That, and complain throughout the whole flight that there is no kimchi.


Hello MD and family! I've been reading for a while, but saw you mentioned in Hyphen not too long ago. Represent! :) Always enjoy your APA-related blog entries. Love your writing and the Peanut is too adorable!

-- An APA sister out west

girls gone child

Good luck not dying. Seriously, MD. Sounds like you're fucked.


Giggles, The only time my father has ever been searched was in a Japanese airport and he is pretty damn white.

Ever been through customs in Japan, total hell.


The only time I was searched at an airport was in the smallest airport on the planet on the East Coast of Canada. I think it was because they couldn't place me as one of their cousins ...


You may have me on airborne bad behaviour but on terra firma drunk, ass pinching knows no boundaries.

Men are ... special.. and you should all be searched. I mean it is YOUR system after all.

Uhm, maybe I need to reread L.s post from today. see ya.


I didn't know you travel all over. Let me know when you come to Kentucky! We'll have you over for dinner or something.


Someone should let that comedian know the tsunami hit Africa, too -- the death tolls just weren`t as dramatic in Somalia and Kenya.

And you seem to be specifically speaking of NORTH Asians, and not including Southeast Asians -- the Philippines (home of the Abu Sayyaf) and Indonesia (home of Jemaah Islamiah, the organization behind the Bali bombings) are in Asia, too.

Also, may I point out homegrown Asian terrorism? Like the freaky cult that released nerve gas in the Tokyo subway in 1995?

(Pause here, while unemployed former journalist gets down off her high horse.... ooof. That hurts...out of shape...)

Abrupt segue to funny story: my 100% genetically Japanese husband has a very un-Asian beard, and is always getting his bags searched at airports. He was once in DC, traveling with an official delegation, WITH HIS DIPLOMATIC PASSPORT, and was pulled over for intense questioning -- much to the amusement of his fellow Japanese government travelers, who kidded him about it all the way home.


Well, maybe the Asian dudes need to be screened too. The Aum Shinrikyo sarin attack was a real act of terrorism.


aw jeez bub,

goofy and funny but sad post.

first I've heard that you were Asian but you cracked me up...

Many years ago, my husband used to hang out with a statistician. Whenever anybody used the phrase "Most people... (whatever whatever)", she would hiss "MOST PEOPLE ARE CHINESE".

I got stopped at the airport and run through special checks. My then four-year old son was delighted, kept yelping "Are you going to arrest my mom? ARE YOU?". He was hoping. It was steel shanks in my orthopedic fashion sandals.

love you!


I'm half-asian - but no one ever recognizes me. Although, it seems there are more of us roaming the earth these days. It used to be really cool and unique. Now everyone's freaking part Asian.

Anyway, they just think I'm a freak due to the fact that I'm almost 6 foot tall. What, you never seen a TALL Asian before??? Great blog. I'll be back. I need to read your favorite posts.


I love your stuff!!

I am European but but Spanish from Spain. So, there is always a mexican/colombian guy who is "wanted" and whose spanish name is similar or even identical to ours!! And and we are stopped!! No matter where we are: at Miami airport or while in JFK... C'est la vie!!!
Last week, one of my colleagues was "hijacked" "kidnapped" by the police during 5 hours at Miami Intl Airport... Awesome!!


C'mon Metro, you don't really think Jet Li can fight, just because he's Asian, do you? ;) Seriously, he can't actually fight. Really. I'm serious. Good at the wushu, bad at the actual application of it. Heard him say it himself.

Andrea in Japan

wow! steve! dont let my hubby hear you dis Jet Li! My chinese husband can go on for hours about all the kungfu something or other fighting awards that Jet Li has.
Actually he is retiring. He is officially no longer doing any more action fighting movies on doctors orders if her ever wants to walk again or something like that.


Maybe folks still have the Vietnam War, Korean War and Mao on their minds when the look at "us" Asians. As you know the is no difference. Are we the silent threat?


"We've NEVER done anything wrong EVER!"
Except send people live pigs ordered on the internet, get stoned and put red laser lights on people's foreheads, subscribe people to Juggs Magazine, Cat Aficionado, etc. You know, the usual. Moohooohawhaaaa - this is what you get for having loyal readers, MD....or shall I call you EARL???
(All brilliant stunts by the way - wish I'd thought of the pig!)


I used to travel on business quite a bit when I was pregnant. Just because I have a name that is harder to pronounce with lots of vowels and y's in it (like Hyundai), I used to get pulled aside for second "random" security screenings, WITHOUT FAIL. I was the pregnant Asian woman wearing a cardigan twin set being frisked with the beeping wand. It wasn't so funny after the first few times.

Queen of Ass

Don't forget to breathe occasionally too!!!

I honestly think Asian dudes should be allowed to zip right through. We've never done ANYTHING wrong EVER!!!

You forget about Pearl Harbor there, buddy?


Lovely story.

The comments had me LOL though.



Pearl Harbour? They were flying their own planes, they don't need to hijack someone elses.

Travel Guy

Heh, great comments guys. I'll be thinking about it next time I'm on an airline.


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