From the comments and e-mails that I've been receiving lately, I've come to the realization that people are actually visiting this site because they're seeking professional baby advice regarding their newborn or infant baby.
Unfortunately, folks, I'm sorry to inform you that I have absolutely NO professional or medical training in raising a child. I'm neither a doctor nor a child-care specialist. I just play one on the internet! (Shit, I gotta call Clooney. Just because he was on ER, I'll bet nobody asks HIM for advice when they're lying in bed with chest pains.)
However, I will say that, although I've only been a father for about 16 months, I certainly have learned a lot. And if you're actually at the end of your rope and you're coming HERE for advice, it's pretty evident that you've probably got nowhere else to turn. Maybe you don't have any family members nearby. Maybe you don't live near a local library. Maybe you just don't know any better.
So for those of you who are raising children and have absolutely no idea how to do so, I hereby offer you a quick tip sheet of handy parenting advice. I hope you'll find this information as useful as I have...
- Always store the baby in a cool dry place. If you're going to keep your newborn in a closet, be sure to include some cedar wood chips. Not only will this prevent moths from attacking your baby, it will get the baby's wrinkles out faster.
- At a very young age, you should tattoo your phone number on the baby's foot. This way, if you lose your baby when you're out clubbing, people will know how to reach you.
- Teething is a very painful process for young infants. Bubble gum is an excellent remedy.
- Baby carriers are very expensive. Personally, we use a Baby Bjorn. However, if you want to save some money, you can just use a regular backpack. Just be sure to poke some holes in the backpack before putting your baby in there.
- Newborns tend to sleep. A lot. However, too much sleep can be a bad thing. If your baby is sleeping more than 48 hours solid, you should probably call your pediatrician.
- Babies drool and spit up a lot. If you want to keep them from staining your suit or all your tailored shirts, put little cotton balls in their mouth when you burp them. Don't worry. They can still breathe. That's what nostrils are there for.
- Babies need to be washed a lot. Some people even wash their babies every two weeks! Learn to multi-task. If you're washing your car, put a snorkel on your baby's head. Then, you can just hose the baby down at the same time. Also, if you have cats, cover your baby in catnip. The kitties will lick your baby clean in no time!
- The best way to tell if your baby needs a new diaper is to throw it up against the wall. If it sticks, change the diaper. If not, you're good to go for at least another few days!
Anyway, I hope this advice helps. By the way, we've got another issue of the MetroDad Mailbag coming up soon so be sure to either e-mail me your child-rearing questions or leave them in the comments section. Because parenting is HARD work and one of the great things about the blogging community is the sharing of knowledge and experience.
And like Hillary says, "It takes a village."
MD-
When the Social Service's lady comes by, it wasn't me I promise. Where do you come up with this shit. Freaking Hysterical, especially the "Are you okay, baby?!", line. I love it. Tattooing my baby's foot would have been neat, i might remember that for the next one.
Posted by: Melissa | February 07, 2006 at 07:19 PM
I'm still chuckling over that crack about the cedar wood chips keeping the moths away from a baby's face. Can't get that hilarious visual out of my head. Too funny, MD!
Posted by: Leora | February 07, 2006 at 07:40 PM
Hey, MD..
Well, looks like you don't have to call Clooney; maybe you want to call Britney for some parenting advice..trying to get away from the paparazzi my ass!
Posted by: LeeMarv... | February 07, 2006 at 07:45 PM
Want to hear something REALLY scary? I know of a couple who got a tattoo for their 5 year old kid! How sick is that? The parents are both tattoo freaks and thought it would be cool. Lot of idiots out there. Ya gotta be careful to avoid 'em.
Posted by: Jeff | February 07, 2006 at 08:01 PM
I love the tip about cedar wood chips getting baby wrinkles out easier. I'll have to print out this post to turn to for advice when my husband and I decide to spawn.
Posted by: Pattie | February 07, 2006 at 08:08 PM
MD--The wife is watching American Idol right now. All I can say is that one should never underestimate the stupidity of some people. It's frightening!
Posted by: Brent | February 07, 2006 at 08:36 PM
I KNEW I was doing this mothering thing all wrong. THANKS!! I'm off to shake my baby!
Posted by: Mama C-ta | February 07, 2006 at 09:12 PM
When my first grandhchild was born, my son Ben (younger brother of ChildsPlayx2) asked me if I had any words of wisdom as he embarked on fatherhood; here it is; "relax, your brother survived, so will Thomas"
Posted by: Grandmother | February 07, 2006 at 09:40 PM
I can't wait to see what kind of advice you'll be giving when the Peanut is 16, instead of 16 months. Freakin' hilarious!
Posted by: landismom | February 07, 2006 at 09:42 PM
You mean they need to be changed? AND washed? GOD do I have to do EVERYTHING AROUND HERE??
Posted by: Susie | February 07, 2006 at 10:44 PM
When our first baby was still too little to sit up, my husband (okay, yes, YES -- I admit it! This is going to be a, "my husband is so dumb" story) attached our son`s pacifier to his little mouth by putting rubber bands in the little holes and looping them tightly around his ears.
Thank god your list didn`t fall into his hands, or we`d stll be trying to use up all the cedar chips.
Posted by: L. | February 07, 2006 at 10:55 PM
Oh thank god. And I thought I was going to have to go through this whole new-parent thing blind. Thank you MetroDad, I will follow your advice to the letter.
Wait... I think I hear Children's Services knocking on my door.
Posted by: novice pop | February 08, 2006 at 07:03 AM
now if only you get a copy on your way out the door from the hospital, with baby. the no tatooing one: we waited 6 weeks, but to each his own. so funny. thanks for the morning guffaw. foo wants to know what's so funny.
Posted by: bitemycookie | February 08, 2006 at 08:09 AM
MetroDude, you are funny. This list cracked me up.
Posted by: bill | February 08, 2006 at 08:42 AM
Good stuff MetroDad. Perhaps you can give me some sage advice for dealing with a one-year old who screams at me all damn day. I already tried hard liquor and smoking again. Didn't work. I am also sure you could give some incredible insight to teenagers and dating
Posted by: misfithausfrau | February 08, 2006 at 09:06 AM
Wow. I was so worried about the sleeping thing! So you think 24 hours straight is okay then, right? Even when they're 7?
Posted by: Queen of Ass | February 08, 2006 at 10:10 AM
Thanks for the advice... :) Now I feel TOTALLY prepared to have our little one. He should be coming any day now (or at least I'm hoping)
Posted by: Corinne | February 08, 2006 at 02:12 PM
I tried liquor and smoking once when the kid was screaming, but he just spit out the liquor and he wouldn't inhale.
Posted by: Marty | February 08, 2006 at 03:08 PM
I'm appalled at this "advice". Giving BUBBLE GUM to a baby for teething? Are you out of your mind? If this is a joke, it's in very poor taste. The only thing you should give a baby to chew on if he's experiencing teething pains is a plug of Red Man; the buzz takes their mind off of the pain, and if they swallow it they won't choke to death, just throw up for five or six hours.
Posted by: Jason | February 08, 2006 at 05:24 PM
how about: babies cry a lot. if you tire of attending to your little one, remember! babies fetch a commanding price on the black market.
Posted by: jess block | February 09, 2006 at 12:04 PM
RE: Knowing when to change a diaper. Was that throw the diaper on the wall or throw the baby on the wall?
Posted by: magnum myoblast | February 09, 2006 at 03:11 PM
I find the diapers that crawl back to you more dangerous than the ones that stick.
Posted by: CroutonBoy | February 10, 2006 at 02:33 PM
Still laughing. Most of all, I love the photo.
Lynne
Posted by: Lynne Kenney | February 10, 2006 at 04:56 PM
Didn't Greg do this first? (via the Onion)
http://daddytypes.com/archive/2005/09/30/tips_for_new_parents_from_the_onion.php
Posted by: Divo | February 11, 2006 at 07:15 PM
Good stuff MD...as always! :)
Posted by: tod | February 12, 2006 at 11:04 PM
Too many hysterical visuals! My dog doesn't understand why I'm laughing instead of taking her home.
Posted by: OTRgirl | February 13, 2006 at 06:59 PM
This is the first time i've been on this website,and when i read this, I could not stop lauging,I've never heard anything so funny, i have tears running down my face. This is really good
Posted by: andrea | February 18, 2006 at 10:33 PM
I was surfing for advice since I'm having my first in 6 weeks. I completely thought he was trying to give legitimate advice until the list. I needed that laugh, thanks!!!
Posted by: Shana | August 21, 2007 at 05:09 PM
Long term, the breast feeding mom will have a lower risk for premenopausal breast cancer, which is the kind that strikes before the age of 50. The benefits will begin to show with three to six months of breast feeding and increase the longer that breast feeding continues
Posted by: | September 09, 2009 at 02:22 AM
months of breast feeding and increase the longer that breast feeding continues
Posted by: maple story mesos | June 13, 2010 at 08:58 AM
as first time parent I appreciate your advice so much!
Posted by: viagra online | January 24, 2012 at 03:51 PM