Cross your fingers for me, friends. I'm going under the laser today so I can trade in my crappy near-sighted eyes for some shiny new ones. That's right, I've finally decided to undergo Lasik surgery. I've been wearing contacts and glasses for almost 25 years now and I'm sick of them. Though my glasses have been a nice fashion accessory over the years (Man, how gay am I?) and still make me look a lot smarter than I really am, I'm sick of having them fog up as I stand over the lunch buffet. I'm sick of blindly running around the apartment, trying to find them in the morning. And lately, the Peanut has decided it's really fun to play this game where she waits until I'm not looking and then grabs the glasses off my head.
The doctor that I'm going to apparently is one of the pioneers of Lasik and has developed many of the lastest techniques. But still, there's something about it all that seems so "Bladerunner" or "Gattaca." In many ways, my lack of understanding in science makes me very nervous about certain things. Like flying in a plane ("It's too big. It can't go up!"- Call the movie, people!)
Anyway...what was I talking about? Crap, I don't even remember. All I know is that, after my surgery, there's to be no reading, computer usage or television for 48-72 hours. That's why I purposefully scheduled my surgery for today. I planned it around the Rose Bowl (Go Texas!) and last night's episode of "Earl." If all goes well, I'll be able to watch "West Wing" on Sunday night. I'm a sick man, aren't I?
Well, wish me luck. Hopefully, I"ll "see" you on Monday. If things go awry and I'm rendered sightless for the rest of my life, don't worry. I've got about 20 posts saved up already. What do you expect from a man who's already written his own obituary? (Just kidding. I haven't finished it yet. I'm only halfway finished. Anyone know a good word that rhymes with cantankerous?)
Have a great weekend, everyone!
(UPDATE: I just read in today's NY Times that TV Land is going to start rerunning episodes of "Miami Vice" this weekend. Many of you know about my love of this show. What do I do? Crockett and Tubbs? Or major life-altering eye surgery? Tough call. Guess I'll get my eyes done. Damn! At least it's not "The White Shadow." Then, I'd really have to reconsider.)
Good luck, man. I'd love to hear how it goes...I've been thinking about doing it myself. No TV for a weekend would be rough, though...
Did they mention the rotating blade they use in the procedure?
Posted by: CroutonBoy | January 06, 2006 at 10:14 AM
Yes, please give details after the surgery. Perhaps you can convince Dutch to go for it, because he is one blind fuck and I'm sick of asking him what he thinks of my outfit while he's still in bed and then after he's said "it's great" remembering that he can't even make out my head from my shoulders. It's unclear whether he thinks the surgery is too expensive or too scary, but maybe once Metrodad does it, he'll go for it.
Good luck with the TV/computer withdrawal. What are you going to do?
Posted by: Wood | January 06, 2006 at 10:22 AM
How about...
Rancorous, adjective: Showing deep-seated resentment
Posted by: Kemp | January 06, 2006 at 11:08 AM
Good luck "Dad". I hope you come out full of sight, and don't encounter any of that burned smell.
You're courageous to consider this surgery. I have been considering a cochlear implant surgery in the future (possibly far future). They would have to knock out any residual hearing and start anew. That TERRIFIES ME. So for you to consider and go ahead with an eye surgery where you could possibly go blind is quite brave.
Posted by: KA | January 06, 2006 at 11:23 AM
Good luck, MD. I'm still too chicken to do Lasik. I should though (considering I'm blind as a bat.)
Posted by: Brent | January 06, 2006 at 11:37 AM
"It's too big. It can't go up!" That's from Midnight Run, right? Damn, I loved that movie. My sister and I quote it to each other all the time and crack up laughing.
"Ever had sex with an animal, Jack?"
"No, but I saw some tasty-looking chickens back at that barn over there."
Posted by: Alice O'Rourke | January 06, 2006 at 12:15 PM
Good luck on the lasik - perhaps I should get that done. Julie (almost 8 months) has this thing where she reaches out for me and I get all 'ohhhh' and then she graps the glasses, or the earrings or the necklace, and has a total fit when I don't let her play with it.
Oh, and about the tv watching. Get a Tivo. It works great (until you get rid of cable. Tivo and bunny ears just aren't meant to be together).
Josie's Mom
http://www.mybabymonsters.com
Insights into a child's world
Posted by: Josie's Mom | January 06, 2006 at 12:18 PM
Good luck! You're lucky, I tried getting lasik last year and apparently I am too f'ing blind to have it done so me and my husband have this conversation every night, "Hey... do you see my glasses anywhere?" "They're on the nightstand right there... no.. THERE.. no, more to the right... wait hold on, you knocked them off, I'll just get it for you! Damn blind woman." Yeah. I have -9.00 contacts. Can't touch this.
Posted by: anne | January 06, 2006 at 12:21 PM
I had a consultation once and the doctor said (no more monkeys jumping on the bed) that even if I had the surgery I'd still have to wear corrective lenses.
Screw that!
No TV, computer, OR reading? Good lord! The horror!
Posted by: suburban misfit | January 06, 2006 at 12:36 PM
i had lasik 9 months ago and i swear to christ it was the best fucking thing i've ever done. it was less painful than all the pre-op tests they put you through (hello??? paper strips stuck on your eyeballs to test your tear production? WTF?) AND you get a nice valium to take the edge off. eating with your eyes closed for the rest of the day sucks. make sure boss lady doesn't try to slip something gross on your plate.
you'll also get some nice vicodin that you won't need, but you'll save it up for later recreational use. Congrats! you are gonna love your new eyes!
Posted by: goose | January 06, 2006 at 12:48 PM
I cna't do it, my eyes are too crappy. I will be looking for my glasses and cleaning them nineteen times a day for my entire life. I've had them since I turned one so I guess I wouldn't know what to do without them. Good luck on the lasik.
Posted by: Melissa | January 06, 2006 at 12:51 PM
It feels a bit odd to post "good luck!" when you won't actually read it until after you know whether it worked or not. Well, fuck it. Good luck anyway!
There are some great books on tape these days...
Posted by: landismom | January 06, 2006 at 12:51 PM
Good luck, may the lasik gods be with you!
Posted by: wn | January 06, 2006 at 01:00 PM
You're going to love it, Metro. I had it done a few years ago and it's changed my life. Best thing to ever happen to me. Ain't technology grand?
Posted by: Stephen | January 06, 2006 at 01:18 PM
Ooh, good luck!
I've always wanted to Lasik, but am scared. Also, I'm not sure they can correct my vision completely, since my prescription is probably negative one million.
Posted by: Linda B | January 06, 2006 at 01:23 PM
jamie foxx and colin farrel in the movie remake of miami vice. how does metrodad feel about this one?
Posted by: chunky930 | January 06, 2006 at 01:57 PM
The White Shadow? So you were the other person watching that show beside me and my brothers. Coolidge Goldstein.Great show.
Good luck with the eyes surgery.
Posted by: bill | January 06, 2006 at 02:14 PM
Aww, Chunky. The casting on the "Miami Vice" movie kills me. Jamie Foxx is not too bad. Personally, I would have gone with either Mekhi Phifer, Don Cheadle or Omar Epps. Good calls, right?
Crockett is a tough one to cast. You need someone a little offbeat. Maybe Clooney or the guy from Lost (Josh Holloway.) For a darker version, maybe even a Johnny Depp. But Colin Farrell? No way!
Posted by: METRODAD | January 06, 2006 at 02:15 PM
Wish I was brave enough...good luck!
Posted by: nina | January 06, 2006 at 02:37 PM
Good luck, Sugar! Just think how much happier you'll be!
Posted by: Queen of Ass | January 06, 2006 at 03:10 PM
My brother's first proper date with his now-wife was two days after her lasik. They played golf, and she beat the bejesus out of him. He's a good golfer, too.
So good luck to ye! And full report, please.
Posted by: Susan | January 06, 2006 at 03:32 PM
I've been dying for Lasik although Bill helpfully pointed out that if i got a boob job instead, we'd BOTH benefit from the expenditure. After than, the Lasik sounded selfish, since he doesn't like to fondle my eyeballs.
Posted by: Anne Glamore | January 06, 2006 at 05:11 PM
Dude! You are one brave Mofo...messin' with the retinas freaks me out for no well-founded reason other than I'm a complete puss. I wish I was as brave.
And The White Shadow....I fricking LOVED that show! I can't believe the "Retro Movie Police" haven't brought that one back yet.
Happy weekend, MD and good luck with the peepers!
Posted by: Rbrown | January 06, 2006 at 06:03 PM
Good luck and congrats on the new eyes, dawg.
Posted by: GIRLS GONE CHILD | January 06, 2006 at 06:09 PM
Does one of those 20 posts have to do with family traditions? =)
Good luck my friend. We'll be "seein'" ya!
Posted by: Matthew | January 06, 2006 at 08:15 PM
Hey, B-I-G-M-D,
Good luck on the surgery. While I need glasses for reading only, it would be really nice to NOT need them at all!
How are WE gonna make it these next few days without our MD fix?
Keep us posted. We'll be waiting...
Posted by: LeeMarvin | January 06, 2006 at 09:19 PM
I'm going to be REALLY interested to hear about your experience. I'd do it in a hot second. I'm so sick of contacts. But I know some people who've had major tear duct problems after this surgery. But I'm sure yours will go swimmingly! Ugh. That was bad. I'm outta here.
Posted by: MIM | January 06, 2006 at 10:17 PM
Congrats on taking the plunge! I did it 5 years ago and it was the best $2,000 I've ever spent. :) Good luck...I'm sure everything will go well.
The best part was 4 hours after the surgery I was laying on my bed just chilling and all of a sudden I noticed that I could read the clock on the VCR (a good 15 feet away). That was awesome!
Posted by: tod | January 06, 2006 at 11:42 PM
Cool! I've been wearing glasses since I was 8. Sadly, my eyesight has deteriorated even more over the years and I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be legally blind. Lasik is something I want, but will have to wait until I pay off my student loans.
Posted by: enygma | January 06, 2006 at 11:57 PM
If the cheese matters, and I believe it does, I would propose the Velveeta-smooth duo of LL Cool J and Ewan McGregor. Good luck with the eye-boiling.
Posted by: p-man | January 07, 2006 at 12:15 AM
Good for you! I traded 20/800 coke bottle bottom glasses plus a wide array of contact lenses and related paraphenelia for sweet and painless Lasik.
Never looked back.
Biggest thrill that I never take for granted. Waking up in the morning and peering out the window to see if our newspapers have arrived.
Other big thrill -- whenever you want to go swimming, or spray like crazy with the garden hose -- just do it. No fretting about lost lenses or glasses.
Freedom. Okay, they still haven't figured out that presbyopia/reading glasses thing. Or cataracts. It ain't flawless. But you will be! All the best!
Posted by: The Laundress | January 07, 2006 at 02:32 AM
Congrats. I had PKR done this fall. It's absolutely amazing .
Posted by: Phat Daddy | January 07, 2006 at 06:44 AM
i believe the first season of miami vice is available on dvd, so you won't have to worry about not revisiting the subtle homoeroticism of their relationship (which in certain regards is the precursor to ryan and seth's relationship on the o.c.). earl (and "the office" for that matter) are wildly entertaining (though their interpretation of karma would be considered herectical in both the buddhist and hindu traditions). anyway, if you get a chance once you have healed from the lasik, you should treat yourself and check out scrubs on tuesdays. remember that the most important aspect of your surgery is that you will be able to waste more time watching the boob tube.
so, MD, who will be the next president on west wing (especially after jon spencer's untimely passing)?
Posted by: jiveturkey | January 07, 2006 at 07:17 AM
I had lasik surgery--well, that's not entirely true. Back in '95 when I had it, it was radial keratonomy, which is really the same thing but without the laser. The doctor took a scalpel and cut the 6 or 8 little slits in my eye to flatten it out, much like the laser is going to do for you. A SCALPEL! Lucky the guy had a steady hand. He did a great job, and my formerly 20/400 vision is now 20/20. (Previously, I couldn't even read the biggest E on the eye chart.) So I'm excited for you! Congrats on the upcoming great vision you'll have.
I do think it's a shame that you're going to the trouble of having surgery just so that you can more clearly see that lame show Miami Vice. What a waste of good vision.
Posted by: Karla | January 07, 2006 at 10:42 AM
Metro..how bad are your eyes? And which specific lasik surgery are you getting? There are a couple different ones.
That is freaking awesome that you're going to do the surgery too. I wish I could! I found out that my corneas are too thin for the amount of correction my eyeballs would need. So it's glasses for me!
Posted by: Grace | January 07, 2006 at 11:43 AM
Good luck with the Lasik! I had it done 7 years ago and it's the best money I've ever spent. Well, at least until the IVF. But #2 ain't so bad.
A note of caution though. I found the first few months post-surgery to be a bit frustrating as my eyes healed. Working in front of a PC all day, I found my eyes totally exhausted and dried out by the end of the day. I eventually adjusted and (hundreds of bottles of eye drops later) stopped having to put drops in my eyes 10 times a day.
Still the 2nd best money I've ever spent. :)
Posted by: Josh | January 07, 2006 at 02:42 PM
Lasix aka Prelude To A Vasectomy. I will offer a cautionary tale about my friend Andrew, who is an actor in LA. He got laser surgery a few years ago and I saw him loaded at a party that night, attempting to drink away the pain. Because his left eye was crossed, and he couldn't un-cross it. He went back in for about five more surgeries and they managed to get his eyeballs looking in the same direction again, but he still has to wear glasses. I'm sure things will go well for you, though. If they don't, I'm sure BossLady will read aloud to you and P. before bed every night ("Hmmm, do you guys want to hear GOODNIGHT, MOON or AUTO-DA-FE?")
Posted by: Luper | January 07, 2006 at 05:25 PM
I had mine almost exactly one year ago -- LOVE IT. You'll be carrying eyedroppers around for a few months, but totally worth it.
Posted by: Stacy | January 08, 2006 at 12:23 PM
Don't sniff the smoke that comes off your eyeballs ok......it's really really bad for you.
Posted by: Chocolate Makes it Better | January 08, 2006 at 05:19 PM
Good luck, MD! Enjoy your new vision.
And dude, cantankerous and promiscuous go hand in, uh, hand.
Posted by: the weirdgirl | January 09, 2006 at 01:22 AM
Hope everything turned out OK.
Waiting for the next post.
Posted by: AWE | January 09, 2006 at 08:57 AM
De-lurking for De-lurking Week and wanted to say I hope all went well. Waiting with bated breath for your next post.
Posted by: MoMMY | January 09, 2006 at 02:28 PM
Best of luck to you and your eyeballs... I am sure that you can see clearly now.
Posted by: tpon | January 09, 2006 at 06:11 PM
Wish you the best and a speedy recovery. Although I went to Texas A&M, Yeah Texas!!!!!
Posted by: Ed Bacchus | January 09, 2006 at 06:19 PM
I reda smoeplace taht invsaive eey srugrey can mkae you dsyleixc. Hpoe it wnet ewll!
Posted by: LOD | January 09, 2006 at 10:18 PM
I hope it went well or we'll all have to put in and get you a braille keyboard.
See you soon.
Posted by: Sassy | January 10, 2006 at 12:01 AM
Waiting with bated breath... I do hope you are alright.
Posted by: KA | January 10, 2006 at 10:22 AM
I think you'll be really glad you had the surgery. Hope it's quick and painless.
Posted by: Sheryl | January 10, 2006 at 12:35 PM
Oooohhh, good luck!!!
Posted by: kristie | January 10, 2006 at 06:27 PM
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see aaaaaaaaaall obstacles in my waaaaaay..... sorry, couldn`t resist.
I wanted to get this done, but I am now too attached to a particular cool pair of glasses. And when I`m wearing them, no one can see the bags under my eyes, or notice that I`m not wearing any eye makeup.
And the best part is, they are all anyone ever remembers of my face. So if I want to be incognito, all I have to do is put my contacts in, and no one really recognizes me. This worked especially well in Tokyo, where all white people look alike to the natives.
Posted by: L. | January 11, 2006 at 01:11 PM