Chaos Theory

Work kicked my ass today.  When I wasn't in meetings, I was getting smacked around by Murphy and his damn laws.  Then, I came home only to attend ANOTHER meeting for our building's Condo Board.  My stomach is growling.  My head is pounding.  And my liver is threatening to kick my ass if I don't give him some Scotch soon.   So in lieu of a real post, I offer you this smorgasbord of intellectual cow dung (categorized and titled for your easy viewing pleasure)...

IT DEPENDS.  HOW MUCH DOES A VAMPIRE MAKE?

The Peanut wants to stick her finger up your nose.  She also likes poking her fingers deep into your ears.  And if she really likes you, she'll nuzzle up close and bite your neck.  Either she's got a hugely successful career ahead of her as one of Manhattan's leading E.N.T. doctors or she's going to grow up and be a vampire. 

VETERINARIAN SOUNDS GOOD TOO!  HOW MUCH DO THEY MAKE?

The other night, BossLady and I watched with amazement and jaws agape as the Peanut chased the dog around, trying to stick her tiny finger up his butt!  Never in my lifetime did I ever picture myself chasing an infant baby around my apartment and yelling, "NO, Honey!  Please do NOT stick your fingers up the dog's anus!"

JUST IN CASE THERE WAS ANY DOUBT THAT (1) I'M GOING TO HELL, (2) MY DAUGHTER IS DESTINED FOR THERAPY, AND (3) MY UNRESOLVED ISSUES WITH GUILT AREN'T GOING AWAY SOON.

I have this terrible habit of saying things out loud solely for my own entertainment.  It's like a fucking disease!  I don't know how to describe it.  It's some sort of combination of verbal diarrhea, oral masturbation and Tourettes Syndrome.  For example, when my lovely wife was pregnant and approaching her due date, she was understandably large (I can say this now because she's lost all her pregnancy weight and now looks more beautiful than ever.)  Anyway, one night when I was standing near her, she started walking backwards towards me ass-first.  Without even thinking about it, I started  yelling "Beep, Beep" (i.e. the sounds that garbage trucks make when they're backing their shit down the street).  She was totally pissed off at me and I ended up being banished to the couch that night but I thought it was so funny that I think I chuckled myself to sleep. 

Anyway, I bring this up because, recently, the Peanut has started running.  When she's going at full-speed, she's a little unsteady so she tends to run with both hands straight out in front of her.  The other day, we were out in public and Peanut started running over to me.  I started calling her "Franken-Baby" and now I can't stop.  Unfortunately, the nickname seems to have stuck.  You think she's going to be affected by it?  God, I'm such an asshole!

PANTERA, PINATA, PANERA...WHATEVER!  JUST GIVE ME A DAMN JUMBO JACK WITH CHEESE!

There are many things I miss about living in Berkeley.  My quality of life there was fantastic and I was surrounded by a truly great group of friends.  Instead of going to class, I would often spend my days sailing in the Bay, digging for clams at Pt. Reyes, skiing in Tahoe, harvesting grapes in Napa or spending lazy afternoons hiking up in the hills.  Life in the Bay Area was great and there are times when I miss that part of my life a lot.  But Dude, you know what I really miss more than anything?  Fucking Jack-in-the-Box.  Is there a greater fast-food establishment known to mankind?  You can keep your Chipotles, your Paneras, and your White Castles.  Give me Jack-in-the-Box or give me death!  BossLady and I were watching Larry Sanders the other night and they had a scene that took place at "The Crack."  I swear to God that a small part of me got a little choked up just thinking about all the Jumbo Jacks and Sourdough Burgers I consumed there during my Cali years.  I just checked their website and the closest one to downtown Tribeca is in Statesville, NC.  According to Mapquest, that's 601.7 miles away and will take me 10 hours, 7 minutes to get there!  Who's with me?  Let's go!

I DIDN'T MEAN SIAMESE TWINS!

Memo to my honky friends (and White people everywhere)...You really should try to avoid saying things like, "Asian babies are SOOOO cute.  I TOTALLY want one!"  Another phrase to avoid is "Oh my God!  She's so cute.  She's like a little China doll!"  Fuck you!  How come when two Caucasian babies are standing side-by-side, nobody ever says, "Ooohh.  Look!  Twins!"  But put two Asian babies within 10 yards of each other and all of sudden it's like they're Chang and Eng! 

"YOU SHOW THAT TURD WHO'S THE BOSS, BUDDY!"

Usually, I save that line for when I'm peeing at a urinal in a public men's room and some anonymous stranger is grunting in a nearby stall (like I said, I'll say anything to amuse myself.)  But lately, I've been using it as a mantra for the Peanut, who seems to be in some sort of bowel purgatory.  This weekend, I don't think she pooped once!  But for the past three days, she's been crapping about four times a day.  It's amazing yet horrifying to watch.   I guess it's safe to say that she's inherited her father's Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  I feel so bad for her sometimes.  Of all the things she could have inherited from me, why did it have to be my bowel irregularity?

I ADMIT THAT I USED TO WATCH 90210, PARTY OF FIVE, WONDER YEARS, DALLAS & DYNASTY.  SO WHAT?  I STILL PEE STANDING UP!

Many of you long-time readers know that I've watched my share of television over the years.  I think I've demonstrated this to you before.  But for those of you who didn't know this about me, I think I certainly outed myself to you in my last post.   Some of you readers seemed especially surprised that I actually admitted to watching "girlie" shows like Party of Five and 90210 (or as RBrown says, "PO5 and 12.")  Allow me to explain. 

As the offspring of immigrant parents, everything I learned about American culture came from television.   Of course, I was never allowed to watch television because my Asian parents were forcing me to do 5 hours of homework every night.  But unbeknownst to my parents, I used my  genetically-inherited math and science skills to fix an old portable television and hide it in my bedroom.  So while they thought I was studying in private every night, I was really watching Falconcrest, The White Shadow and my beloved Mets.  As a young child, I literally subscribed to the theory that if it wasn't worth watching, then they never would have allowed it to be on TV. 

Ultimately, I ended up overdosing on television and become somewhat of a Luddite.  Maybe it was because I discovered the joys of alcohol and women.  Maybe it was because I had simply watched a lifetime's worth of television.  But during my early 20's, I started boycotting television.  I disconnected the cable and tossed my TV.  Choosing instead to nurture my literary side, I started reading incessantly.  Being an insomniac speed-reader, I must have averaged about 15-20 books per month. 

But now?  I'm a full-time working parent.  And although I still read prodigiously, I find that there are times when there's nothing I'd rather do than zone out and watch TV.  And you know what?  I've got no regrets.  I'm back, baby!  And though I try and maintain standards when it comes to watching television, I'm not ashamed to say that I love the idiot box.  And if TiVO were a woman, I'd probably sleep with her. 

Anyway, bitches, I've got to run.  "Laguna Beach" is about to start!      
 

Comments

[Brent]

Peeing in my pants and snorting Diet Pepsi out of my nose, MD. Fucking hilarious!

[enygma]

I've noticed that bad things always happen when you can least afford them. This past Monday, I was late for observation and of course, I was supposed to give a mini-lesson that day; and when I tried to make copies of the articles, some jackface was in the mail room making 4300 copies!!

[MIM]

You know, that took guts to come out and address the chick TV show watching thing -- and, yeah, I DID notice it in the last post. "Laguna Beach" . . . fucking priceless. But did you catch "Rich Girls" when it was on?

[IAN]

Holy crap, MD! You are on fucking fire! Long time reader, first time poster. But I just had to say that this rant is an all-time keeper. Have a glass of scotch on me. Sounds like you could use one!

[MetroDad]

Brent...I'm a Diet Coke man myself. But I feel you!

Enygma...I hear you. Sometimes, I feel like I'm about to get served a multi-count indictment by the Feds for breaking Murphy's Law.

MIM...Never watched "Rich Girls." But when it's late at night and everyone's asleep? I've been known to watch me some "Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive."

[L.]

For the record, if you put two white babies next to each other in Japan -- or even two half-white babies -- everyone will squeal, "OOOOOOOH, twiiiins!" and make you want to slap them.

[Dutch]

I'll bet you don't miss the jack-in-the-box comemrcials though. that stupid ice-cream-cone-headed clown is on TV so much he haunts my dreams. . .

[Rbrown]

MD, I loves me some Filthy Rich Cattle Drive too. I love to hate Fabian, or whatever that rich, obnoxious kid's name is. And I L-O-V-E this quote from Noah Blake: “It was strange going out on dates with new people and they’re like ‘What does your dad do’? and I’m like ‘Uh…you know. Murder trial.” You really just can't beat TV like that with a stick, now can you?

China dolls. People are so f-ing rude. My gay boyfriends tell me people always try to fix them up with people simply because they're gay too, so you know, like, you guys will TOTALLY like each other!!! you're both GAY!!! I tell people I'm from Kentucky in California and they say things like "No shit, and you're a writer? From kentucky?" Mmmmhmm. Coulda done without that.

[Jim Yelvington]

you're killing me.... but you are so right on about jack in the box. I always liked going there and getting out the door with a jumbo jack, two tacos, and a drink for under 5 bucks and being stuffed, and the tacos are the best.

good blog... I'll stop in again.

[sharon]

lol i love you metrodad

[ShotgunDaddy]

MD:
You wanna know a secret? When I was reading your post the other day about Halloween costumes that are too extravagant, I immediately thought of Donna's mermaid costume -- even before I got to your mention of her in the next sentence. So I'm right there with you.

Ditto with Jack in the Box. Two words: Ultimate Cheeseburger. And I'm not sure what Dutch is talking about -- the commercials absolutely rock, especially since they brought in his son, Little Jack.

[Matthew]

San Diego: Home of Jack. Come on over and have a Sourdough Jack with me. I'll buy.

Throwing away the TV, that's so Berkeley. =)

[JJ Daddy in Savannah's Baby Momma]

Dude, I've GOT identical (and extremely Caucasian) twins, and most of the time, particularly when they're dressed alike (urg, thanks, Grandma) people ask, with all seriousness, "Are they twins?". I smart-ass them with something like "No, they're 3 months apart", or "Actually, they're identical cousins", but as the next question is usually "What's their names" (like we're going to be seeing you 'round the trailer park), I now think I'll answer "Chang and Eng".

[Mr. Big Dubya]

Shhhh - don't tell anyone, but I will sit for hours with wifey and watch SoapNet - I bombard her with questions like "Who's that?"..."Isn't he married to..."..."Wasn't she on Days?" Oh, and the Food network. Food, glorious food.

And you already know I love me some TiVo.

[Anne Glamore]

Please, you've got to stop with the "Franken-baby." One of my twins is very small, very pale, and for various reasons, my husband started calling him "Skeeter" about 5 years ago AND CONTINUES TO DO SO.
Scooter Libby notwithstanding, I don't think anyone named "Skeeter" has a future anywhere other than in a sequel to Deliverance.
You've been warned!

[bitemycookie]

given the current void in your oral fixation world, keeping jack in his box on the other side of the country is probably a good idea. now, i have never eaten there, so don't take this personally, but ew.

i will admit, i am hot for the hodgepodge post. a little bit of everything is always fun.

and i'd like to give a shout out to the bosslady and her all-time hottest hotness.

[Ellen]

I have to agree with Anna. You've got to stop with the "Franken-Baby." When our son was born, he came out with a full head of hair. I'm not talking about just a little hair. I'm talking about a FULL HEAD OF HAIR! My husband and I jokingly started calling him "Teen Wolf." (Funny, isn't it?) But you know what? The name stuck! And he's 5 now!

Nip it in the bud now, MD, before it's too late!

[Corinne]

Statesville, NC? That's right down the road from where I grew up!!! Next time I'm home visiting the folks, I'll overnight you a burger, how bout it?!? :) As to the rest of your post... Hilarious!!!! :) Had me laughing out loud in a public library, with folks staring at me like I"m a loon... :)

[jg]

Don't you hate the people who live right next to an "out of your area" eatery that you crave, but never eat there?

I are one of them. There are limitless Jack in the Boxes 'round these parts. I've never eaten at one.

Feel free to curse me under your breath.

[heidi]

Hey MD don;t kid yourself. All men our age watched 90210, how else were they gonna git some on a weeknight?GIRL: "Wanna come over and watch the show's wiht me" GUY: "Oh yeah baby, can't wait to see if Brenda and Dillon do it"

Love the hodgepodge...and where can I get me one of those in uh, say african american, no, no make that aborigine?

[crazyvirgo]

oh blooody grilled burger in heaven I LOVE JACK!!! the ultimate cheeseburger, the jumbo jack with cheese...curly fries and a shake. oh gaaawwwwd, oh ohhhh ohhhhh. luckily enough they have 'em all over seattle. HA!

and LB, hooked like a junkie. I also loved PoweRgilrs. on MTV. what happened to that. there's nothing better than watching Lizzie Grubman sweat and 22 year old prodigies drink themselves skinny.

[Bradley]

Ahh...Jack in the Box. You've got to love a restaurant that serves great burgers, beef tacos, fish & chips, and egg rolls! So multinational. So California.

I will admit that I'm seriously addicted to their Oreo Cookie Ice Cream milkshake.

[Wood]

Dude, you may be busy, but that was a "real" post. Real funny, real clever, real great way to start my Thursday morning.

I went to Jack and the Box once, MD, and I have to say I was not impressed (it made me feel dirty). But your post inspires me to try again -- I hate to discriminate against any fast food, and if you say it's good, I'll have to give it a shot.

[tpon]

Bean is looking for a partner for his ENT practice, he has asked that peanut send her CV.

I have to side with Wood on the Jack in the Box... not a good first impression. Did i order poorly? It is a strong possibility. Really, I just went in to get one of those antenna balls for the dog.

[Tom N.]

I can sort of sympathize on the twins thing, even if my wife and I are Caucasian.

When we lived in Boston last year, I'd be home with my baby girl one day a week, and we would often go out that day with a friend who lived nearby and her baby son. The woman was Chinese-American, and though her husband was Causasian, the baby boy definitely looked Asian. Despite the fact that my daughter was totally Causasian, and 10 weeks older than the boy, when this woman and I would take the kids around town in their strollers, we'd often get asked if the kids were twins.

Maybe people were clueless about how babies look, or maybe they just couldn't comprehend the idea of a man with a baby and a woman with a baby NOT being married.

[Josh]

So you're one of those people that line up in the middle of the night at the Jack-in-the-Crack drive thru? I live about 1/2 mile from the Telegraph Jack and have always wondered who those freaks were!

[misfithausfrau]

Oh Metro, I wish I had jumped to your defense when you wrote about Donna Martin. My husband still makes fun of my 90210 and Real World watching, although I have finally hung up Real World unless they have a marathon of past episodes. Corey has watched ONE episode of 90210 (when Steve was doing Raves) and he never fails to ridicule it. He will then bring up another oldie but goodie that wasn't on for long, "Model's Inc." Jackass.

And MIM is right--Rich Girls was great! What has replaced it with even more idiocy is "My Super Sweet Sixteen." If it's on, I AM THERE!

So worry not my Metro Friend. By admitting that you watch Train Wreck TV, you have probably gained a slew of female fans. And it's all about the Honeys.

[HollyRhea]

Dude! line 22. surround "verbal diarrhea" with this...

a href="http://www.hollyrhea.com" target="blank

please?

[Leora]

Too funny, MD. You crack my ass up! I love Jack in the Box too. But Mickey D's will always be my true love.

[landismom]

Jeez, I go out of town for one day and I've gotta stand in line to comment on your blog. What gives!

I'm not a meat-eater, so not a big Jack fan. But El Pollo Loco? Please open a franchise here. I'll take the road trip with ya'. Just ignore the booster seats in the back of the car.

[Henry]

Your post reminded me that when I was in college, my buddy and I dressed up for Halloween as Chang & Eng (we're both Asian). Not too many got the joke.

[Susan]

LOVE the smorgasbord, Metro! It's like getting multiple posts from you all in the same day. Thanks for giving me a good laugh!

[Melissa]

Nicknames tend to stick until the kid is around 8 or so. Then they make you stop. I wouldn't worry about it until then. We call Maya, Bean - cuz..well... she kept sticking them up her nose as a toddler. And Nat is Snort, for obvious reasons and squishy, becuase that's what we called her before she was born.

90210 - that is so freaking funny and the whole Laguna Beach thing. Please tell me you are kidding. Please. However I make my hubby watch Charmed and Sex and the City - which he loves.

Jack in the Box - sorry to tell you but I live within walking distance of one - and I am so sick of it. I wish I had a Panera that close.

[the weirdgirl]

Jack and Tivo rule, I'm so right there with you. (Though I'm kind of pissed Jack got rid of the Pannido! It fucking rocked!) And, no worries, Keen Dad used to watch 90210 and all the rest with me. Now he's all about Food Network.

And for those of you who are unsure about the glories of Jack in the Box, try a milkshake (with REAL milk!)... you'll love them for life.

[Stacey J.]

MD!!! If you're checking your comments now, you've got to turn the TV on to Bravo immediately. They're showing "Beverly Hills, 90210: Reunion." It's a retrospective of the series with clips and interviews with the cast! It's awesome!

[mabel]

Dear God in heaven. How is it that your wife didn't kill you in your sleep? I've been pregnant, (3 times thank you VERY much!), and if my DH had even burped out a beep when I was backing up, he would be on a milk carton today. Count your lucky stars MD!
By the way, my 6 year old is STILL aka "Baby Olaf". (All due to his viking like way of singing, eating and sloshing his drink (from his highchair!))

[Queen of Ass]

I'm not peeing in my pants, but it's only because I have awesome muscular control.

However? That was Hyst-fucking-sterical!

[Lydia]

THANK YOU, MD! I just had a crappy day at work myself. Came home to see the kids up way past their bedtime (thanks, hubs!) The house is a mess. And my in-laws are coming this weekend.

Your post toally cracked me up and made my day. I literally laughed out loud. Thanks for making an old mom's day!

[margalit]

Do you KNOW anyone with twins? Believe me, people say the stupidest things to parents of twins, especially when they're babies:

You sure do have your hands full.

Did you use fertility drugs?

Did you want twins?

Which one is the smart one?

Which one is the bad one?

Are they identical? (my answer is, "sure, except for his penis and her vagina and the fact that he's blond with blue eyes and she's got brown hair and eyes, they are IDENTICAL, you asshole")

How do your nurse twins? (With both boobs?)

Why do you/don't you dress them alike?

Double trouble.

etc. etc. etc. Twins cause traffic jams in stores. Everyone has to talk to you about what it's like to have twins, and they say the dumbest things you can ever imagine. Honest.

[JB]

FYI...people do the same thing with black babies too. Why do people assume when you put two kids of color next to one other that they're twins? Weird, isn't it?

[CityMama]

My husband adores My So Called Life. Knows every episode by heart. 90210, too. But I can't say that he always pees standing up.

[Ben]

We get the "China doll" comment all the time. Makes me want to break stuff.

[Chris]

Great post! As a fellow Cal grad now residing in New England, I feel your pain on the Jack in the Box thing. When I'm out on the West Coast on business I always make time to stop by, usually for some of those greasy-ass tacos or a sourdough Jack. And of course I have a Jack antenna ball sitting on my desk at work. I was always a little freaked out at the bulletproof glass at the Oakland Jack in the Box down Telegraph.

I haven't gotten the China Doll comment from anyone... Then again, the other day someone asked if our daughter (half-Chinese half-Caucasian) and her friend (half-Black half-Caucasian) were twins.
Freak.

[custom packaging]

That's how life is sometimes, maybe some aren't just your days.

[Aurelien]

John, I have several tghins to address! First, I love you. But you should know this already. Second, you look medieval with your hood on lol. idk why XD. Third, I missed your video where you won an award (I just watched it) and I'm so happy for you! Fourth, idk if you've ever seen this show called Being Human, but you remind me of the guy that plays George lol. #Random. I think I covered everything lol

[Samuel]

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[Gregory]

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[Rosnani]

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[Josselyn]

This young man gives us all hope! I think he is amazing and slhuod be given every opportunity available to him to continue to develop his tests. You never know what he will be able to do!!! Bless you Jack Andraka!!

[repair shop auto insurance in New York City]

This could not possibly have been more helpful!