Reflections on a Monday Morning (as a Paean to Dooce)

Monday mornings are a bitch, aren't they?  Commuting to work via the NYC subway system not only sometimes inflicts salt to the wound but also often truly tests the outer limits of one's patience.  With apologies to my friend Heather, I offer a brief glimpse of my Monday morning.  Thankfully, it's going to be a short week. 

How to Annoy Me

Spread your legs wide while sitting in a crowded subway train, thereby taking up two full seats.  Then, cough up a lung without covering your mouth.  Finally?  Refuse to give up ONE of your damn seats for a pregnant lady.  Don't you know how much that fucking pisses me off?  I would have excused the leg-spreading and the coughing.  But there was no way I wasn't going to get all up in your face for not offering your seat to a pregant lady, asshole! 

How to Charm Me

Saying thank you.  People don't realize how far a simple thank you can go.  (Bonus points for remarking that I must be a father myself, asking whether I have a photo of my child, and cooing for an embarrasingly long time while looking at the Peanut's pic on my cell phone.)

Boobs

I saw a man on the subway today and he had bigger boobs than any woman (pregnant or otherwise) I've ever seen.  It was grotesquely fascinating and I found myself rapt with scientific curiosity.   What's the biggest cup size of any man on the planet?  Would it be in the Guiness Book of Records?  Would they have shown it on "That's Incredible!"?  What kind of support system would be needed with a rack that large? 

Poop

No real poop stories from the Monday morning commute.   But last Friday?  There was a man on the train who smelled as if he'd mixed poop with some Indian food and then rubbed it all over his smelly feet.  On the one hand, I was totally grossed out.  On the other hand, I sort of started craving Indian food.  Kind of weird, eh?

Poop (Part Deux)

Yesterday, the Peanut's butt machine-gunned out what looked like a whole carton of Whoppers malted milk balls!  Twice!  We checked her diaper and there were literally about 10 of these perfectly-formed poo balls that were so well uniformly well-polished that they looked they were made by Hersheys.  I was in such total awe that I wanted to zip-lock the balls of poop, stick them in the fridge and show them to everyone who came over to our apartment.

Feeling Guilty

For pretending that I didn't smell the poop in my daughter's diaper this morning and letting her walk around with a diaper filled with crap until the nanny arrived because I didn't feel like changing her diaper due to the aforementioned traumatization of the Whoppers incident.  Feeling guiltier for hearing the nanny in the other room exclaim, "Wow, Peanut!  That's quite a poop!  How long has that been in there?"

I Take Pictures Every Day with a Nikon D70

Ok, I don't take pictures every day with my D70.  But we did take this one recently.  The leaves were changing colors so we decided to take a drive up to Storm King Art Center, an amazing outdoor sculpture and nature museum in upstate New York.  If any of you are ever visiting in the Tri-State area, go check it out.  It's one of New York's secret pleasures.  Anyway, we call this photo "A Man, a Girl and a Biscuit."

   

Comments

[David]

While we're on the Dooce-thing, can I get in a "Hey I'm first!!!!" comment.
That felt good. Really good. Have a good Monday. Mine's almost over. Time to go home.

[crazyvirgo]

oh MD. thanks for that posting. it was kind of wierd to see your pic, because you're a total mystery to most of us, but thanks for keeping the mysteriouso alive with the celeb sunglasses.

i work in, apparently, a purian office where people only leave to sleep and, possibly, procreate more puritans. this being my 3rd month of suffering in order to erase the sins of my creative past, i was less than enthused at the thought of another monday without a weekend. BUT, MD, being the funniest poppa around, made me laugh so hard at poop, indian, whopper and otherwise. thanks! now i must go receive three lashes for taking this 5 minutes off.

[Dutch]

I was thinking MD was becoming more like atrios than dooce. I love that he writes a post about shrinkidinks and 7,000 people leave comments. He should just start publishing the word "discuss" and we'll all just have a conversation about whatever. I think right now is the time to declare that (1) it is about time he published a picture of himself; (2) but what's up with the Michael Jackson disguise, dude? Sunglasses and a grumpy old man hat? You're lucky that baby is so darn cute, otherwise we might be tempted to give you a hard time about your highly-cherished anonymity.

[Leora]

I totally agree with Dutch! MetroDad is like Batman, a man of mystery. Will we ever see the real MD? Or will your identity be revealed in stages? Is this part one of the unveiling?

[Steve]

Who is this Dooce that you speak of?

[Ed Bacchus]

Being a native New Yorker, I have found memories of public transportation. You can entertain yourself by examining the broad spectrum of our society. If you ever want to raise your self-esteem or self worth, just take a ride on the "N" train from Coney Island to lower Manhattan. My memories include the following:
1.Always bring something to read
2. If you get space to pull out your reading material, act like your reading but pay attention to what is going on around you
3. Don't get caught staring at someone. They may consider you're violating their privacy and begin punching you in the face.
4. Make sure all your bags, pockets, purses are closed
5. Watch for pick-pockets
6. Look closely at any surface prior to touching and lastly,
7. No matter what you do, don't fall asleep--that's when all the really good stuff happens.....

[Melissa]

MD- Love the pic, and I love seeing that I am not the only person whose child is permanently attached to a binky. The poop in the diaper thing - soooo mean to the nanny. I try so hard not to do that to our day care.

[David Cowan]

One day when you hopefully as many Peanuts as I do (3), you will come to appreciate, anticipate, and even love Monday mornings.

[Meg]

Heh -- I published a post about how pissed off I get by people on transit. What is with not respecting the space of others? Get your leg OFF of me. And it's time to see if Peanut might not be a bunny -- it sounds like she's pooping like one.

And yes, MD, I think you are turning into one of THOSE bloggers -- and soon the comments will be gone...;).

[Brent]

Just wanted to say that...

(1) I agree with Dutch. Reveal yourself, mysterious one!
(2) As your daughter gets older, you'll see that poop comes in virtually ALL sizes, shapes and colors. Just when you think you've seen it all, something new will poop out to surprise you.
(3) Although taking the train to work would be easier and cheaper, I drive. Main reason? The lack of courtesy that strangers display to one another. Such a shame.
(4) One of the reasons I love coming here is for the comments. Seriously, MD, you've got some of the funniest & brightest readers I've seen in the blogosphere. Whether the topic is funny or serious, I love the level of discussion. Please never close the comments!

[Matthew]

MD, Thank you for the nice comment on my site. You must be a father yourself, and is that a PICTURE of your little one? Oh, my, how cute. She's adorable! My, oh, my, what a cutie.

So, how charming was that?

Nice hat, by the way! Where would one buy one of those? Aren't you in the fashion industry? =)

Oh, any chance you took a picture of the perfectly formed poop balls? What? I'm just asking.

[Pattie]

My worst NYC subway experience was a couple of years ago, when there was this funky smell in our subway car and my husband starts wildly gesticulating at me to get off at the next stop NOW. Turns out someone had pooped on the floor near where he was standing. Nice.

I don't yet have any kids, but my dogs' poop is always nice and uniform. Guess it's their daily diet of same old-same old.

Cute pic of you and the Peanut. She is just too adorable.

[landismom]

Wow. I'm just stunned. Not by the poop, or by the picture of you (although both of those things are amazing to me).

I'm stunned by the fact that I've never (even after Seinfeld devoted a whole episode to the manbra/bro controversy) wondered about men's cup sizes until today. Would they number them X, Y, Z instead of A, B, C?

Great post, MD.

[the weirdgirl]

Poop, feet, indian food... and then the CRAVING of indian food? Ew ew ew.

That's gonna stay with me all day.

[jiveturkey]

ever had to deal with a blueberry poop? my son has a cookie monster appetite for blueberries and, given general healthiness of blueberries, its hard to say no to him. well, all good things come to an end. the end, in this instance, isn't too pretty. his digestive system mimics a blender. i prefer blueberry shakes after a 10 mile run.

these days, the only diapers which bother me bother me because i carbo-loaded the night before with a cocktail of cocktails.

anonymity is underrated...look what happened to david lat, the AUSA out of newark. he wanted credit for his entertaining musings on the federal judiciary so he "outed" himself in the new yorker. now his informative, insightful blog is no more.

[Girl's Gone Child]

Archer has a tootsie-roll butt. His poops come out looking like perfect, little tootsie-rolls. Candied-butt babies dot com.

[Girl's Gone Child]

P.S... a la poopy-indian food feet, I am the same way with B.O. and mexican food. Body odor smells like taquitos and sometimes, whilst holding my nose, my mouth waters.

Your honesty inspires even the most horrifying confessions. Bravo.

[Jason]

With the fishing hat, olive drab cargo pants, and the sweater, you could be the Bizarro Henry Blake.

[Lacie]

Glad to know chivalry ain't dead, Metro. On behalf of pregnant women everywhere, thanks for making that jerk give up his seat. The lack of courtesy displayed is mind-boggling sometimes. I'm 6 months pregnant now and when I got on the bus in Chicago the other day, not a single person offered me a seat. What has happened to all of us?

[Heidi]

Somebody's gunning for a supermodel position. First the leopard bikini, now this years #1 accesory...look out world it's supermodelmetrodad!

By the way, is that a phone in your pocket?

[bitemycookie]

beware of the poop marbles! they can stealthly roll out of a dipe like nobody's business. i am pleased that the mystery of MD's hotness is resolved to my satisfaction. and that peanut is sooooooo peanutty. but the old wait-till-betsey-shows-up-to-manage-the-poop trick? i thought i invented that. happy monday.

(i threw up in my mouth a little when you described the indian food thing. ew,)

[Stacy]

Picture! Be still my beating heart!

[misfithausfrau]

My baby poops Whoppers, Tootsie Rolls and sometimes Charleston Chews. I only wish they smelled like chocolate.

About the Man Boobs: Since you design sportswear, how about a Mansiere (or Bro). I mean, if you've got time to blog...

Loved the photo. Peanut could not be cuter. I think I bought my husband that very same outfit--including the hat.

[Betty]

So awesome, MD. You and Dooce are my two favorite bloggers. I love this post. Are you really friends with Heather?

[enygma]

So THAT'S what you look like! =D I really like your picture.

[Chocolate Makes it Better]

Those ball things are weird aren't they. Kinda reminds me of deer poo.

[not-for-profit-dad]

No shame in passing the buck on the stinkbomb to the nanny. I pulled a similar move at daycare a few months ago. Smelled it just as I was strapping Girl Twin into the car seat. The honorable thing would have been to take her back inside and do it myself. Luckily, I am entirely without honor.

However, even I would have gotten up for the pregnant lady on the subway.

[CroutonBoy]

So much for your secret identity. Now Dr. Octopus will be after you...

The leg-spreaders are the biggest bastards, aren't they? Seriously, Kareem, you don't need to take up the whole bench. Let Grandma park her walker so she doesn't tumble over when the train hits the breaks.

[MIM]

Like BMC said, BEWARE of the poop marbles. I had the unfortunate experience of stepping on one -- BAREFOOT -- after it had rolled out of the diaper. Beyond grim.

Love the photo! Thanks so much for posting it.

[mabel]

My daughter poops whoppers, rabbit pellets and my fave - the marble green poop that can be smelled from another county. Will this child EVER be potty trained? Oh, and thanks, I will NEVER eat Indian food again. Thanks MD! Peanut is a fashion diva - lovin' the binky holder...

[Jane]

LOVED the photo. Thanks. You confirmed my vision of you as a cross beween Daniel Dae Kim and Chow Yun Fat. And the fact that you're so in love with your wife and daughter? Sigh...do you have any brothers?

[Rich]

MD, you'll find as your daughter gets older that poop comes in more shapes and sizes than you ever could have imagined. We also didn't experience the Whooper balls until our son was about a year old. We thought it was pretty strange. But I think any parent with older kids will tell you that you have not even tapped the full spectrum of varied poops. Wait until you get the green explosions. Or the Whopper balls swimming in a sea of diarrhea. Then, there are the tiny BBs and the giant logs. Take it from me. You and BossLady have a lot to see and learn. Enjoy the ride!

[Corinne]

A picture... wowsers!!!

[Renee]

Love the photo, MD. The Peanut is absolutely adorable!

[Queen of Ass]

You two are completely freaking adorable!

And please! And thank you! Would you like to have my seat?

[The Missus]

Ad-fuckin-dorable!

[gina]

Poop is still very exciting around our house. A couple of months ago our six-year-old son (feel free to fix all punctuation!) got all excited and had all of us come into the bathroom. He had to show us his "MANSIZE poop!" Is that a gene or something?

[gina]

Peanut is just the cutest! And you are such a good dad!

Poop is still very exciting around our house. A couple of months ago our six-year-old son (feel free to fix all punctuation!) got all excited and had us come into the bathroom. He had to show us his "MANSIZE poop!" Is that a gene or something?

[Linda B]

What a sweet picture.
I like your look, MD.
Incognito... ;)

[panthergirl]

WE LOVE STORM KING!!! What a great picture of the two of you!

And the malted milk ball poop story is unforgettable. Unfortunately. ;)

Hope you're having a Happy T-Day, you guys.

[Andrew]

Thanks for the pic. In my girlfriend's imagination you were a dead ringer for Andy Lau. I was concerned she was having impure thoughts about metrodad. Thanks for putting the illusion to rest. Don't get me wrong you're handsome, but you're no Andy Lau (neither am I).

[bml]

that was funny as hell! I got hooked into your blog and couldn't get out but the poop, part 1 & 2 had me going!

poor peanut!

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[Arrelpengesse]

圧力で二重に覆われた ヌーディージーンズは間違いなく高品質の民俗服のリストの先頭になります停止する必要があることと、彼はロシアのインタファクス通信に語った1位リプトン リモーネ×サマンサ?タバサ、コラボキャンペーンを実施2位ディーゼル(DIESEL)より、アフリカの貧困解決のための活動を支援するチャリティTシャツが登場ディズニー ed hardyと僕に声をかけた。僕はその雨戸の向うに池のあることを承知していた。しかし僕に声をかけたのは誰だか少しもわからなかった。
「もし、もし、お願いがあるのですが、……レスポンス？基本まだ最良のインターネットマーケティング戦略

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　　　1971（昭和46）年3月～1971（昭和46）年11月
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校正：かとうかおり
1998年12月7日公開
2004年3月10日修正
江口渙氏の事
芥川龍之介
　江口は決して所謂快男児ではない。もっと複雑な、もっと陰影に富んだ性格の所有者だ。愛憎の動き方なぞも、一本気な所はあるが、その上にまだ殆病的な執拗さが潜んでいる。それは江口自身不快でなければ、近代的と云う語で形容しても好い。兎に角憎む時も愛する時も、何か酷薄に近い物が必江口の感情を火照らせている。鉄が焼けるのに黒熱と云う状態がある。見た所は黒いが、手を触れれば、忽その手を爛（ただ）らせてしまう。江口の一本気の性格は、この黒熱した鉄だと云う気がする。繰返して云うが、決して唯の鉄のような所謂快男児などの類ではない。
　それから江口の頭は批評家よりも、やはり創作家に出来上っている。議論をしても、論理よりは直観で押して行く方だ。だから江口の批評は、時によると脱線する事がないでもない。が、それは大抵受取った感銘へ論理の裏打ちをする時に、脱線するのだ。感銘そのものの誤は滅多にはない。「技巧などは修辞学者にも分る。作の力、生命を掴むものが本当の批評家である。保吉はライスカレエを掬（すく）いながら、嫌な奴だなと思っていた」
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新しい布団ベース、マットレス、布団カバーや合計全体の多くを取得しようとしているのであれば、あなたは上の提案に固執することを確認してください 科学センターでは、ライブの爬虫類の展示を併設しています （ディオール）豊かさの店が、ある日、あなたが単独でこれらの急性上記のファッションの独自のセットを豊富な冷静を受け入れないように試してみたい場合には、そこにたくさんのより包括的なブランドへの認知の機会を追加しましたが、正規に感謝認めるアール追加された？ 彼らは21世紀の脱構築の最新の推定かもしれないが、それはさておき、言葉さえ、男性の可変よそよそしい感情原型目覚めかもしれません曖昧なゲームを持たないでください。 彼らの真の愛を大事にしてください！ それは念仏の影と存候。』と言へるを看てもあなたは簡単に複製されていない外観をしたいかもしれません。 メリノウールで作られたクラシックアーガイルニットを主は

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