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September 26, 2005


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Wow, so implicit in this story is that at some point between Little Boy #2's brother's birthday and the day you heard the conversation, Little Boy #2's mother. . .well. . . sacrificed one for the team.

The real question is, what were YOU doing in a McDonalds, MD? I though you had the refined palette of a true epicure.


Saw one in today's NY Times that made me chuckle...

Giving a chat at the Short-Tailed Fruit Bat exhibit in the Central Park Zoo's Rain Forest Building, I noted the environmental benefits of these active flying mammals. Upon seeing the frightened faces of the visitors, I added, "Unfortunately, bats have been given a bad name here in the U.S."

Soon I heard a child's voice from the crowd: "Well, what's his name?"


Damm that is funny, I would be crcking up. Preschoolers are the best. I love listening to mine with a friend or two in the backseat of our car. It's Monday, so I can't come up with one specifically. I'll let you know when I do - it will probably be as soon as I log off.




The funniest thing I've ever heard a kid say was this past Christmas when my little five year old cousin in Venezuela met my gringo husband for the first time. My husband knows some very basic Spanish, but not enough to hold any decent conversation, while my little cousin only speaks Spanish. Still, the two of them got along splendidly. My husband responded the best he could to her or would say, "No entiendo" (I don't understand) for those moments when he just couldn't follow.

Well, three or four days into the trip, my cousin finally came up to me and asked me, "Why was born that way?" I didn't get what she meant. Born what way? She kept feeling really awkward and beating around the bush until finally she kind of says under her breath with a sad look on her face, "You know...not...understanding anything." It became immediately clear that this whole time, she was feeling sorry for him because he was retarded! The whole family still laughs about it to this day!

I finally explained to her that it's only that people in different countries speak different languages. People in Venezuela speak Spanish, and people in the US speak English. She felt a ton better about the whole thing and then took it upon herself to teach him Spanish which was actually really helpful! It was just too funny to realize what she was thinking all of those days she had spent with him!

ps...Just found out that I'm expecting myself. Can't wait to discover the joy that you write about with your Peanut!


Because I had to get up ridiculously early this morning, I'm not capable of remembering any of these gems right now. My favorite thing that has recently emerged from both my children's mouths lately is "What the heck is this?" from the Bee, which has been adopted by the Potato as "the heck is this?"


My little cousin, upon seeing an old man in a turban for the first time: "Aw mummy, look! Santa has a sore head!"


Check this one out...from my oldest "middle" kid:


Oh so many more between all of the kids in my brood. Can I get back to you?


The other day, my wife came home absolutely exhausted. Our daughter Mel ran up to her for some loving.

"Your mother's poped," my wife said.

Where?!" Mel asked with amazement, looking all over the couch.


Speaking of McDonalds...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


I've got two kids so I've got two favorites. When DD was almost 2 we were in the line at the supermarket checkout. The checkout lady was a rather large very black woman. My daughter looked and looked and looked at her, and then shouted out "Is your labia clean?" The entire checkout area just about died laughing and this poor checkout lady was mortified, as was I.

My son, at about 3, ran across some tampons in the bathroom and opened one up. He thought it was an interesting thing to play with, and when his sister asked him what it was he piped up "It's for Shabbat!" He thought it was a Sabbath candle. Totally cracked me up.

Queen of Ass

My son recently named himself Captain Stinky Feet. We shortened it to Captain Stinky because so many body parts are involved.


These were adults talking, but they really sounded like kids... Today while visiting the little boys room at work this is what I heard:

(This part of the conversation occurred after they were talking about how many million dollar clients they both had.)

Dude#1: "What the hell is that? Is that a rash? Oh my GOD!"

Dude#2: "Meathead, you better get that checked out by a doctor. You know like get some Lotrimin or something."

Dude#1: "What the hell is Lotrimin?"


As a toddler, my son had (and still does have) an ability to remember countless advertising jingles, popular songs, etc. He also possessed impeccable timing. My parents screamed with laughter for days after he sang a maxi pad jingle to a prissy old aunt. Another time, he was heard to sing, "when I get that feeling, I need sexual healing," within earshot of a 89 year old neighbor, very religious, with perfect hearing.


Well I was chúffed by this this one: on a recent walk in the country we came across two horses. Youngest son saw something dangling under the male horses' tummy. "Wow!" he said, "it's almost as big as daddy's!"

Ms. Mama

As a student I worked as a part time nanny to pay for Uni. One day I was sitting with the five year old discussing older and younger siblings and how I was an older sibling and how she was a younger. She then told me that her new puppy was also a younger sibling. I proceeded to explain that puppies are born in litters, when she interupted me and said dead serious "But the mama does not sqeeze them all out of her gutter at the same time". I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face. I think she was refering to an utter like a cow has, but who knows what happens in the minds of children!

Also, one of my moms faves to tell from when I was little. One day at the grocery store studying a jar of artichoke hearts I looked up at my mom and asked "mom, what kind of animal is an art-i-choke?"

I can't wait till Pumpkin starts to talk!!!


one kid at my son's preschool earned quite a reputation before the 2004 election. He said:

"My mom says Bush is going to win the election because he lies."

Ah, the naivete....

JJ Daddy in Savannah's Baby Momma

JJ Daddy is a pretty private guy, particularly with a houseful of girls, but one day Little Mary Sunshine must have gotten a peek as he came out of the shower.

"Mommy, did you know Daddy has a tail?"


This one's fresh in my mind because it just happened last week.

Right in front of my mom, my five year old says, out of nowhere, "When I get bigger, my penis is going to get so big."

Not knowing what to say, I just said, "Mmm-hmm."

So he continued. "It's gonna be WICKED HUUUGE! Just like Dad's!"


My best friend and her 18 month old daughter had this exchange.

My friend is getting dressed and her daughter is watching. The squirt has been pointing to different body parts on her mom and mom has been naming them. The squirt points to friend's chest and friend says "Boobies..breasts". The squirt repeats "boobies". As friend is putting her bra on, the squirt points to her bra. My friend says "bra". Squirt repeats, "booby hat"!


I don't have a child but that story is hilarious!


My sister used to play softball, and she overheard this conversation between two seven year olds:

Kid 1: "Do you want to see my NUTS?"

Kid 2: "Do you want me to DIE?"


Well, there was the old favorite: when asked by a gaggle of cooing elderly women at church what her favorite food was, my daughter beamed and answered proudly, "I eat BOOGERS!"

However, I have a new favorite involving an extremely fat man wearing overalls with no shirt underneath. I should be posting it within a week or so... stay tuned...


My sister was quizzing my firefighter husband about a faulty light fixture in her house, wondering whether it could cause a fire. My daughter assured her, "Aunt C, I promise there won't be any fires in anybody's house...except my...pacifier!"


Am I brain or what. There is not one iota of funny here. This is the proof for; kids should be seen and not heard until they are 18. And strollers costing over $250 should be taxed.

pablo snooze

I had just come home from a long day at work, and was taking a little cat nap on the couch when my oldest (2 1/2 yrs.) comes up, smacks me on the nose, and says, "Daddy, no sleeping on the job!"


no kids yet, but this is legendary in my family. my dad's colleague's most embarassing moment...a woman and her young son were in a long line of carts at a crowded grocery store checkout behind a rather large woman. the woman recalls smelling something foul but what burns in her memory is her young son sitting in the cart, loudly blurting out, "I SMELL YOUR FART, FAT LADY!"...the mom was stuck in line and had no where to go!! Can you imagine her embarassment!?! pretty funny. love the kid for calling it as it was.

That line is still used in my fam to call someone out on something...


Last month, my 3 year old male child had been cussing quite a bit and getting in trouble for doin git in public (we don't care if he does it at home)and his 7 yo sister was trying to help him out by giving him alternitive words to use- Shoot, heck, and "beaver"-as in *dam*, which had me cracking up. So in the middle of Target, he stands up in the cart and screams, "My mom has a BEAVER!!! Mommy's got a beaver!", and collapsed into a pile of giggles.

He has also just recently found out that *jugs* is another name for boobs (how he knows this???)and has started referring to me as "jugs", as in "Hey Jugs- I wanna watch TV"

Kathy Bliss

While I was rushing my 3 year-old out of the bath a couple of weeks ago, she turned to me and said, "Fuck, Mom, what the hell?"


3yo to Papa: "Shut the fuck up." Twice.

::hangs head in shame::


Oh these are HILARIOUS!!!

I've got a million of 'em from my two, but I'll keep it short.

Lucas, at age 2, started calling kids at daycare "fuckinhead". I SWEAR I have no idea where he got that from. Needless to say, he was somewhat short of friends.

Emma and I went out to lunch when she was 4, and she ordered a salad. After about twenty minutes, she looked at me very seriously and said, "Should I ask where the hell is my salad?" Trying not to crack up, I said, "Well Emma...there is probably a nicer way to ask." She sat pensively for a minute and then said quizzically, "PLEASE where the hell is my salad?"

Another time, we were having dinner with my then-husband the stagehand and his stagehand friends at a midtown restaurant, sitting at the bar. Four-year-old Emma was playing with her Raggedy Ann as we waited for food. Suddenly, she looked up at the six burly stagehands and asked, "Does anyone have a teddy bear on them?"


I have to add this one: Shortly after my second daughter was born, our nanny and I took both girls to the Shedd Aquarium where their Beluga whale had just given birth to a baby whale. As we watched mother and baby swim around together, 3 year-old Abby points to the mommy whale and blurts out "Look Mommy, that's you!!" She didn't understand why everyone around us was laughing.


My kid isn't able to say anything yet but I can only imagine what his first words will be.

Funny story


Our 3-year-old daughter walks into the bathroom while daddy's getting into the shower. Truly horrified, she yells while pointing at his penis "Daddy! Take it off! It will get wet!!"

Sarcastic Journalist

Mine is just a few months older than yours, so she just hits me in the head right now. But, the taking it up the ass comment just got me laughing so hard, I had to say SOMETHING.


My 5 year old son told my sister that he didn't want to go to daycare and that he would give her a "couple of dollars" if she watched him

ISHMAel back


ISHMAel back


ISHMAel back



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