By now, I think most of you have figured out that I have a somewhat strange sense of humor. I'm also what one might call a goofball. And nobody on the planet brings out my goofiness more than my lovely and beautiful wife, the BossLady. When we're together, one of my favorite things to do with her is to write and sing our own songs. She's a brilliant lyricist and has many classic songs under her belt. My favorite is her insanely catchy pop song chronicling her profound love of SPAM.
I work mostly in the show tunes category. I think my best work was "Raise Your Hand, Raise Your Hand (If You Woke Up Too Early!)" But for the past few years, whenever BossLady is feeling a little blue or sorry for herself, I've been working on a country ballad that I've tentatively titled "If It Wasn't For Self-Pity, I'd Have No Pity At All."
I was thinking about all this recently when my neighbor lamented the fact that NYC has no country music radio stations. No real surprise there. But then my mind started drifting and I began thinking about what would happen if all the musicians in New York started writing country music songs. I think it's safe to say that the subjects and titles of the songs would be drastically different. Here's a short list of some possible song titles that I came up with today while I was on the crapper:
"Billy Broke My Heart At Bloomies And I Cried All The Way To Bendels"
"I Gave Her A Ring And She Gave Me The Clap"
"My Tits Are Fake But My Love Is Real."
"I'd Walk Four Flights To Feel You In My Arms"
"My Shrink Shrank Our Love"
"I Changed Her Locks. She Changed My Life."
"If Manolos Were Money, I'd Marry You Too"
"I Knew It Was You When You Sneezed In The Subway"
"How Come Our Kids Look Just Like The Doorman?"
"Have I Told You Lately That I Love Me?"
Pretty fun game! I could play it for hours. Anyone else want to play? Give me your best (or worst) country music song title. Winner can join me for some cold Buds at NYC's only country music bar. Drinks are on me. I'll be the tall Asian guy at the bar in the black cowboy hat wearing Pumas, reading the New Yorker and drinking a scotch. I think you'll find me.
Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country AND western.
The Blues Brothers (1980)
Those are fucking hysterical titles. Here's one for you.
"I'm Uptown. You're Downtown. Let's Meet in Chelsea."
Posted by: Ryan | September 29, 2005 at 11:30 AM
"I'm crazy for you like the homeless man outside my window"
Posted by: Mark | September 29, 2005 at 11:33 AM
"My Yankee Cap Don't Fit Over My Mullet So Good"
Posted by: Jason | September 29, 2005 at 12:24 PM
"Is That A Gun In Your Pocket or Are You Happy To See Me?"
Posted by: Lisa | September 29, 2005 at 12:31 PM
I got nothing! Just wanted to say that your song titles were hilarious. And I want to hear the songs that you and Bosslady make up! Especially that one about SPAM. Mmmmm...Spam!
Posted by: Christa | September 29, 2005 at 01:23 PM
"I'll Be Your Bagel, If You'll Be My Schmear."
Posted by: LOD | September 29, 2005 at 02:12 PM
In honor of Johnny Cash, and all those New Yorkers wearing black:
"I Walk the Subway Line"
Posted by: landismom | September 29, 2005 at 02:21 PM
Those are ingenius! You are one witty dude, MD. And you might actually have a future career in country music!
Posted by: Brent | September 29, 2005 at 02:59 PM
"I'd die for you but I'd kill for your apartment"
Posted by: Weber | September 29, 2005 at 03:02 PM
Lemme get this straight -- no country music stations in NYC??? Maybe the city isn't as bad as I thought it was after all.
Posted by: Mark | September 29, 2005 at 03:23 PM
Brilliant! That is a fun game. Be back when my creativity kicks in.
Posted by: Peter's Papa | September 29, 2005 at 03:53 PM
You must check out the band Banjo & Sullivan. They're the ones who got murdered in Rob Zombie's "The Devil's Rejects". There are some great titles on their CD like: "I Was Tryin' to Quit, But Now I've just Quit Tryin'", "I'm Home Gettin' Hammered While She's Out Gettin' Nailed", not to mention "Lord Don't Let Me Die in a Cheap Motel". Excerpts are on Amazon.
Posted by: David | September 29, 2005 at 03:53 PM
"Wild Wild (Upper) West (side)".
I love the Blues Brothers quote.
Posted by: bill | September 29, 2005 at 04:09 PM
HAHAHA.. As a county lover, I have to say, your songs might actually make it. I have one to add to the list. "Oh shit, my dog just ate Paris Hilton's dog."
Posted by: melissa | September 29, 2005 at 04:19 PM
This would be perfect for my area:
"Over-bid House, Underpaid Love"
And for those of us geeks:
"You Bought My Truck Off eBay but Got My Heart for Free."
Posted by: the weirdgirl | September 29, 2005 at 05:47 PM
As a hater of country music, I loved this post. Brings a little bit of rock and roll attitude to country. Well done, Metro. Well done.
Posted by: CityBoy | September 29, 2005 at 07:06 PM
"My Tits are Fake but My Love is Real"? If that's not the greatest title for an urban country song, I don't know what is. Good one, MD!
Posted by: Lisa | September 29, 2005 at 10:32 PM
As a longtime reader and first-time commentor, I'm writing here to say that I absolutely MUST hear Bosslady's song about SPAM. My family and I are obsessed with SPAM. Must be a Korean thing. It's by far the greatest processed lunch meat ever invented. Goes great with kimchi.
Posted by: Jane | September 29, 2005 at 11:03 PM
"The Nanny Done Gone and I forgot my kids names."
"He called me Shaina Punim and I Shot Him Dead Last Night"
"My drivers name is Achmed but he's a Cowboy from DesMoines"
Posted by: margalit | September 30, 2005 at 12:03 AM
Thought of another one:
HymieTown Hoedown
Posted by: margalit | September 30, 2005 at 12:47 AM
"Without you, I'm just another ho"
"You're my Port Authority Princess. I'm you're Queens Boulevard King."
Posted by: T-Mac | September 30, 2005 at 09:34 AM
"I'm a Bandito for Mojitos"
"Take my Heart, Not my Cab"
"Let's Order In from that Redneck Place"
Posted by: CroutonBoy | September 30, 2005 at 12:29 PM
Good one, Metrodad! I only lived in Manhattan for 3 months so I can't really contribute as much to the flavor of life there as I can in SF. So here's my Garth Brooks country ode to San Francisco:
"I've Got Friends in Parking Spaces"
Posted by: Rbrown | September 30, 2005 at 01:06 PM
How about "I've Got The I-Can-Pay-$9-For-a-Pack-of-Smokes-But-I-Can't-Smoke-Nowhere-in-Public-Cause-I'll-Get-Arrested Blues.
Wait a minute--that's a blues song--DAMMIT!
Posted by: misfithausfrau | September 30, 2005 at 01:24 PM
"I'd rather see you in Sing Sing than be single in the City"
Posted by: Phil | September 30, 2005 at 02:11 PM
"Here's my BlackBerry, Text Someone Who Cares"
"ConEd Worker's Daughter"
"My girl's gotta turnstyle on her bedroom door and my MetroCard is empty"
"Drop Kick Me [insert non-secular individual here] (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)"
"There's a Tear in My Cosmo"
"Queen of my walk-up"
Posted by: Mr. Big Dubya | September 30, 2005 at 03:44 PM
"Don't cry on me 'cause I just got this dry-cleaned"
"If you wanna be with me, you know how to text me"
"If you clean the dishes, I'll call for Chinese"
Posted by: Stevie | September 30, 2005 at 04:04 PM
Oh, my Metro. Now THIS subject is something with which I'm intimately acquainted. In fact, if you're interested, I can probably give you the big time hook up for CMA Awards week in November, which is in NYC this year. All the country music your Beer Hector can handle.
Posted by: BIYF | September 30, 2005 at 09:22 PM
"She Up and Left When The Market Went Down."
"Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow-Up To Live in Jersey."
"If This Is Hell's Kitchen Then Show Me Stove."
"Lance, He Was Born a Rambles Man."
"She Said, 'What The Fuck Are You Lookin'At Pervert?' And That's The Last I've Seen Of My Heart."
Posted by: not-for-profit-dad | September 30, 2005 at 09:48 PM
"if ya ain't got the dough, no cameltoe rodeo"
Posted by: Dutch | October 01, 2005 at 02:12 PM
I'm just not creative enough to come up with something . . .
Posted by: MIM | October 01, 2005 at 03:16 PM
"My Rent Is Controlled But My Heart Done Went Crazy."
Posted by: Mamacita | October 01, 2005 at 03:57 PM
Oh my Lord! Is it just me, or is Dutch one funny son-of-a-bitch?
Posted by: the weirdgirl | October 02, 2005 at 01:46 AM
Ok how about these.
"Screaming and swearing on the front lawn for your love"
"There's a gap in my heart as big as the one in my teeth"
"My love shines as bright as the red on my neck"
"You might be my cousin, but it's still legal"
Posted by: chocolate makes it better | October 02, 2005 at 03:15 AM
Oh my gosh, this made me laugh.
Posted by: Meg | October 02, 2005 at 05:45 PM
"I promise if you let me do this film, I'll stop, I won't go to Bedstuy Brooklyn to cop"(dope that is) You pretty much crack me up with this post.
Posted by: kelli | October 03, 2005 at 07:49 AM
My doublewide don't fit on Park Avenue.
hey I gave it a shot.....
Posted by: Jennifer | October 03, 2005 at 10:29 AM
"The Co-Op Board Denied You, But Here's the Keys to My Heart"
"That There Rockerfeller Dude Aint as Gold as My Front Tooth"
"All My Ex-es Live in Brooklyn"
"Mama Was Right, Flashers Ride the Subway at Night"
Love the ring/clap one. BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by: Susie | October 08, 2005 at 10:22 PM
"My Love For You Is Stronger Than The Smell Of That Homeless Guy's Urine"
"I Lost My Heart In A Pothole On The BQE"
"I've Tried Brenda, I've Tried Nancy, But I won't Tribeca"
Posted by: Jeff | October 09, 2005 at 02:15 PM
We lost our country station in Los Angeles on August 17th 2006 and banded together as fans to bring country back to LA as members of countryboards.com 6 months later there is now again FM country radio in Los Angeles and Orange County California.
San Francisco followed the Los angeles Lead and now has a country music station.
We have put a section on countryboards.com to assist country fans in New York in getting Country back on your radio dial... www.countryboards.com
We are willing to help you if you want to work to get a station back! It CAN be done, we have seen it happen :)
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