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February 28, 2005


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Dollymama wrote: Usually the fervent non-spanker people have kids that are unusually easy to deal with, OR they have a high threshold for putting up with horrible behavior. (and they usually don't have very many children, and don't have them very close together, because you just can't survive in a household of brats!)


I guess we must be the exception to your rule. Our kids are not "unusually easy" to deal with - in fact, two of them try my patience on a daily basis. Nor do I have a high tolerance for horrible behavior. And we have 6 kids total, the last four of whom are on average 2 years apart, all under the age of 8 right now.

You don't have to spank to be the authority figure to your kids. My kids know who is in charge, they know when not to cross the line, and it generally takes no more than a raised eyebrow to straighten them up. Furthermore, they behave just as well when I'm not there as when I am there.

Kids who are spanked learn that the person who is bigger and stronger can control the smaller and weaker person by causing pain. That's just not a lesson I want my kids to learn. I'd far rather invest the time it takes to discipline and follow-through without spanking.

Sure, the threat of pain can motivate a child not to do something. It can motivate a dog, too. Unlike dogs, however, children CAN be reasoned with. They reason and understand much more than a lot of parents think.

And, for what it's worth? People comment all the time on how polite and well-behaved our children are. They are well-spoken, they can communicate with adults and look them in the eye, they are respectful, and they are kind and gentle to others, including those who are smaller than them. They don't hurt others, and they don't live in fear that their parents are going to hurt them.

Here's a question for all the spanking advocates on this thread: would you permit your spouse to hit you if he or she was displeased with your behavior? How about your boss? Is it okay for a policeman to beat up a suspect? For you to hit another adult you have a disagreement with? No? Then why is it okay for you to hit your child?

MD, here's my advice to you. The day it becomes okay in your household for you to smack Bosslady across the face when she pisses you off, is the day you should think it's okay to hit your kids. Until that day comes, give it some serious thought, my friend. You've alluded to the relationship you have with your father on this blog. Think about how you want Peanut and your future kiddos to think of you when they are adults, and make your parenting decisions accordingly. And most of all, trust your heart when it comes to your kids.


I came via Panthergirl to see what had her so riled...

I started out thinking "whats the problem, I got belted a lot, no mark no nothing and I desereved most of 'em - I had a very healthy fear of my mother... that's where I stopped and actually thought about it.

Panthergirl says: Do you really want your child to fear you? As Chip said, that's not a reason to behave. And it certainly does not foster feelings of love in a child.

And she's right, it's taken me many years to get to the stage of being able to spend time with my mum without having a background dialogue of resentment running through my head. If or when I have kids, I'd hate to think they felt that way about me.

another point very well made by mothersong is:
In 26 years of parenting, I've yet to find a spanking parent that admits that their own child might behave worse when they aren't around. I guess it's every other child.

From my own experience I can honestly say she's right. But it's not just spanking parents that this applies to - as far as every parent is concerned, it's not their little darling who 'started it'.

Personally i think everyone should be sterilised until they are around 25 and then they will be allowed to breed. Just think how that will help the overcrowding problems...
Added to which, you will have all the time in the world to learn responsible parenting because if you aren't in a fairly stable financial position by then - why would you even think of having kids?


I don't think anybody here is advocating violence towards children or anybody else for minor, temporary behavior problems. It's when serious behavior problems become deliberately repetitive or malicious in nature that violence OUGHT to be used judiciously in order to get it through the person's head that serious problems will have serious consequences of corresponding intensity. What do you do when a kid absolutely refuses to give into the parent's authority, begins cursing people off because something is not to his liking, or goes around viciously tormenting other kids of similar age? How do you punish a kid who, despite not having had physically abusive parents, goes around physically abusing kids smaller than him? These traits may not occur in the majority of children, but they are fairly common, especially among boys. So what do you do? Sure you try talking to them first, but that very probably will not work, and often doesn't, no matter how hard you try. Take away their favorite toy? Please. Lock them up in a room to torture them with boredom? But for how long? Do this for too long and too often, you might cause the kid to go absolutely berserk, but most likely you won't have the heart to lock up the child long enough, in which case it won't have the proper disciplining effect. How do you judge how much solitary lockup is enough for the child? That seems to be an inherently more difficult question for parents to deal with than the question of how many stinging blows are deserved for a particular behavior problem.

It should be remembered that negligent parents will remain negligent--such as by letting their children develop terrible habits and ways of thinking-- even if they are not allowed to physically discipline their children. The question of which is worse --physical or non-physical negligence-- is very much open to debate.

to spank or not.

In Singapore, schools are given the authority to cane publicly, even in high schools. If a boy happens to do something wrong, say caught for smoking or vandalizing, the principal has the right to give him a public beating with a stick to his ass. But this is reserved only for the males.


I agree with you, Metrodad. I find it troubling that a basic spank has been deemed child abuse, has been outlawed in a nearby town and I heard that in Europe they're working to make it illegal also. As far as the comparison to a spouse hitting or a boss hitting, I would say that's comparing apples and oranges. Kids get out of control. They sometimes cannot understand the larger, big picture consequenses of their actions (whereas an adult has more to lose and understands the broader consequences of their actions). I think spanking should be used judiciously, and shouldn't be done in a fit of rage. We do timeouts mostly ... I personally don't like spanking for everyday discipline, but sometimes, a smack on the butt is the only thing that gets their attention.


My husband and I have had this discussion on numerous occasions. We don't have children yet, but are going to start trying soon. I was spanked by both my mother and father. But my father has a temper. I don't recall it affecting my discipline as a child. I wasn't spanked from age 9 up. Then when I was a teenager, my father struck me in anger several times. Do I equate that to the spanking I got as a child? No. My father hit me in anger as a teen, and it wasn't for disciplinary reasons. I think children don't really have the ability to reason and they need some sort of negative reinforcement to stop them from reproducing unwanted behaviors or actions. They can't make those calls on their own. They need taught right from wrong. If that means spanking, then so be it. If time outs and threats don't work, I see nothing wrong with using spanking as a tool. As long as it isn't done in anger, and it is done with restraint and with love. On the other hand, my husband was never spanked. Ever. I'm not sure if that is because he was one of those children who were just really good, or if his mother had a special tactic to discipline. We have come to the conclusion that whether or not we spank our children, the key is to follow through with what you tell your children is going to happen. Whether that be a time out or a spanking. It can be effective as long as you enforce your rules consistently.


My father used to whip his belt off and spank us with Pootie Tang like speed and accuracy. His beefs were questioning authority, especially my mom's, and breaking house rules. I only got spanked if I deserved it then, and respect him immensely for the discipline lessons now. No arguments here... Spanking is a good thing. Besides, I have always thought the PC Police needed a little wide-studded-leather to the ass to put their brains back in the right place.


I don't know whether or not we will spank in our house (our son is only six-months old). I was not raised with spanking. My husband was spanked (though very rarely). Whether you agree with spanking or not, I thought my mother-in-law handled spanking very well. My husband would get a warning and then if it happened again, he would get a spanking. But before spanking him, my mother-in-law would set the egg timer in the kitchen for 30 minutes to make sure that she had cooled off and that she was not spanking out of emotion, exasperation, etc.


I've noticed that those who approve spanking haven't answered questions raised by those against it - I'd like to hear answers to them, but maybe they're not being answered because they undermine the pro-spanking side?

My boyfriend says he would reserve spanking a kid for times they talked back to him or called him names, to "teach them respect." This seems entirely illogical to me - if a kid stops talking back because he knows he's going to get hit, is he doing it out of respect or out of fear? I guess it all depends on what a parent values - a kid who never does anything out of line, or a kid who has an honest, mutually-respecting relationship with his parents?

I've dated several men over the last few years who were spanking proponents. One admitted his mom spanked him all the time when he was little because his mom was bitter about being a single mom and couldn't handle raising a kid on her own. Despite knowing why his mom spanked him, he still thinks hitting kids is just fine, because it would reassert his control and authority. Like my current boyfriend, I think his reason for spanking is to make himself look and feel better, not that it actually does anything beneficial for the kid.

And for the record, I can remember ONE time in my life when my parents spanked me. I can't even remember what I did, and I got one whack across the backside. My parents always spoke to me like I was an adult, and I've had a very open, mature relationship with them for as long as I can remember. Whenever I did give them trouble, they utilized punishments like not letting me play outside after school for a week. I think that was a lot more agonizing than being hit would have been.


I wasn't ever spanked, and have spanked my son only once, without thinking - he pulled his hand out of mine and ran *onto the road*, and I picked him up and spanked his bum in one short adrenaline reaction. I didn't mean to, and probably spanking families would say this is a bad use of spanking. I don't spank, though I don't equate it to child abuse when done calmly.

Anyway, although never spanked, I was disciplined. And I discipline my son. If I didn't pick up my toys when asked, they'd be removed to the local thrift store. My mom always followed through. I've heard "removing toys doesn't work", and it certainly doesn't if they're accessible in a week. If I had a tantrum in a restaurant, my mom would take me out to the car and I'd miss the special treat of eating out. There were always consequences to my actions; if I wasn't listening and responding, I lost priviledges. Mom always reassured me of her love, and also let me express any reasons why I might think she was being unreasonable: but she was firm, brooked no abuse, and assumed that I would listen.

So I don't think spanking equates with discipline. There are other lots of other ways to do, what is in essense, behaviour modification through aversion therapy. I agree that there are lots of undisciplined kids, and I think those kids have been done no favours: but I think that spanking is only one way of getting the point across.


I've chosen not to use spanking as our main form of discipline but we have chosen to spank occasionally. My seven year old has only been spanked a couple of times. She is a gentle spirit so it rarely necessary to even raise our voices to her. A look or a warning tone when we say her name is all that is needed. When we have taken away toys or privileges and she has continued to act inappropriately, she has gotten a single swat to the backside, fully clothed after a final warning of a spanking being the next step her dad or I would take. Her brother has been spanked a handful of times. He's five and we've realized that he doesn't respond to it the same way and it was completely ineffective. He would become more angry and act out in retaliation. We don't spank him at all anymore. Most importantly, in any discipline method, is to follow through with a calm, cool head. And follow through consistently so that your children know that they've crossed a line everytime they act inappropriately.


Have you seen this?


Warning: Not for Kids

To be honest, though, the arguments made for "wifely" spanking are the same ones used for spanking kids.

I wouldn't advocate removing a child from his parents, if they occasional swat his bum. But like others have said, call a spade a spade. It's hitting, and can't intelligent parents figure out other ways of disciplining their kids?


My wife and I are expecting in October and we both do not plan to integrate spanking into our disciplinary toolkit. But we're not outright against it.

I remember being spanked twice in my life, once for trying a cigarette at age 5 with the older kid across the street, and once for lighting a fire in the backyard. Both VERY serious infractions. I actually look back at the experiences with fondness. The most vivid was the smoking incident. I got sick as a dog after about two puffs, got caught by my Mom and knew I was in big trouble. I was at that point grounded to my room to wait for Dad to get home. He came in, sat on my bed next to me and explained that I was about to receive a spanking and why. I don't remember it hurting, but I do remember it seeming very fair. I cried, but agreed that I deserved it.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.


It's hitting, and can't intelligent parents figure out other ways of disciplining their kids?

obviously dumb parents can think of other ways to discipline their kids too, but that doesn't mean they work...most parents aren't intelligent enough nowadays to use discipline at all, spanking or not.

I doubt I will spank my children often, but if they do something wrong and I don't see a better way for them to learn right from wrong, then I will spank them. It disgusts me that people are trying to tell other people what's right and wrong in raising their kids. If they are loved and they know it, well that's what matters.

Spanking is a consequence for wrongdoing, my parents spanked me and I didn't doubt for one moment that they did not love me or that I should fear them. After a spanking, I was upset, but I basically only thought that what I did was wrong and that was the consequence of the action. I seriously never doubted my parents love for me.

The reason I didn't doubt their love for me is because they did it right. They sat down before they spanked us and told us that they loved us and they didn't want to do this and that it hurt them to do it but we had done whatever wrong and that was why we were getting spanked. They never hit us in anger, and that's where most parents go totally wrong. It's also totally wrong to hit with your hands, if you do think spanking is ok you should only use a paddle (spoon or something).


I know I'm really late coming to this, but I just wanted to add one thing:

Fear is not a good way to teach right from wrong. Once the source of fear is gone -- once that kid is too big for you to physically control with spanking -- the impetus to be good is also gone. People should want to be good for its own sake, because it's the right thing to do, not because they fear what will happen if they don't.

My opinion, anyway.


I don't think that spanking is gender specfic. I have never struck my daughter in anger, but I have spanked after calming down. The buttocks sting and more than anything else, it is perhaps embarrassing to her, but the message is clear: she did something wrong, and there are consequences to her actions. A rarely spanked her, which made them all the more effective. But I never used a foreign object like a belt or cane. Anyway, interesting entry. :-)


I was always spanked, with neither a belt, willow branch, a ping pong paddle(which broke lol), up until I was 17, both my father and mother whipped us me and my brother. I used to run and hide and now do I spank? Hell YES! My daughter is the terrible one, she doesn't know when to stop, and she gets in one of her moods, and I have to sit her ass down and talk to her, and if she still isnt in a better mood, I make her lay on the bed face down, and I paddle her ass until I feel that she had enough and I make her stand in time out.

MetroDad - You are indeed brave for taking on this volatile subject. This society is going to find out that these weak methods of discipline are going to backfire, and then we will go back to what has worked for thousands of years. You are obviously a caring and loving dad; I can tell by the way you talk about your baby girl. I think you feel the way you do (that you would never strike her) because she is a baby and your instinct correctly tells you that it is wrong. I'd be willing to bet that you change your mind when she is about 3-4. When you see her developing traits that you know are going to hurt her later in lift (stubborness, lack of respect for authority, etc.) that same love you feel for her now will motivate you to discipline her in the way you describe in your post. I do feel that boys and girls should be discipline in the same way. We spank very infrequently but when I do it is memorable. If my kids are deliberately defiant, rude to adults, rude to their mother, steal, lie or deliberately misbehave after being warned, they will get a spanking to remember. No matter where we are, I will find a private place, take off their pants and underwear, and give their butt a good warming with my belt. They know this is coming and I don't need to make threats and issue warnings. Because we are consistent, my kids are as good as gold 99% of the time, and they are growing up to be respectful, productive members of society. Abuse - no way. Discipline - absolutely!


Great article. I have two older sons, 19 & 23, NEVER hit them. Their mom and I, divorced at a young age, raised them together. They always knew my voice, when it lowered, they "stopped, looked, and listened." While my boys were not perfect, they always knew where mom and dad came from, and respected us. And YES..time-outs DO work if you enforce it! Don't keep threatening your child 3, 4, 5 times "oh, you are going to get it if you don't stop."

One quick other point. I have a friend in Singapore who told me how he was spanked with a cane by his father. One time at age 6 24 times! Another time at age 20. I couldn't believe it! When I asked him what he felt about all those times he was whipped, he simply said "I deserved it every time." He is a very well-adjusted young man, but I just can't imagine the deep wounds he must have from those experiences. I can't judge his father because he was raised in a different culture, and that was how they raised their kids, with a very firm "cane!"

Discipline, ABSOLUTELY! Violence and hitting children..ABSOLUTELY NOT! As one person said, it takes HARD WORK to disclipline a child sometimes..spanking sometimes is a necessary thing to do, but there ARE other ways to teach children right from wrong.

Thank you.


I was never spanked as a child, and I never will spank my own kids. I think that spanking is at odds with the intimacy of the parent-child relationship. And besides, small children's faults rarely warrant it.

But in retrospect, I wish I'd been paddled at school in my teens. (I went to a public high school in a no-corporal-punishment state. I'm not commenting here on paddling as a public policy issue. My point is that I personally would have benefited from corporal punishment.)

In my teens, in my public life, I began to develop grown-up faults: even the best upbringing cannot trump human nature. I slacked off and got away with things (without consequence because my grades were excellent); I didn't develop self-discipline; I cheated for classmates, and fibbed to my teachers, and prided myself on witty insolence. (For all that, my friends remember me as a nice person, generous and thoughtful, in those days.)

My French teacher was probably the first to say, "You need a spanking." (A seminar professor, and several of my friends, said the same over the years.)

What if she'd followed through? What if, the first time I turned in an essay late and made up an excuse, I'd gotten a dozen hard smacks on my behind? I don't think I would have muttered "it's not fair!" – that's not the kind of person I was – and I know I wouldn't have ended up timid or unconfident, for the same reason. I would have been deeply distressed to be treated as less than an adult, of course, but that's part of the point: I wasn't becoming a good adult in that respect.

Would I have taken my faults more seriously? Would I have been a little less full of myself, less convinced that I was perfect and precious and right all the time? Would I have sobbed into the night, with the melodrama of adolescence, and thought hard about how enormously naughty I'd been, rather than blowing it off with "eh, who cares, I got away with it"? Would a sore fanny on the morrow have reminded me to be more diligent?

As it was, I went into university with no study habits at all; I didn't forswear fibbing until I was well into my twenties; and I made myself miserable overanalyzing my crippling "writer's block", which was perhaps just naughtiness entrenched. And pride led me into graver sins. I missed out on a fair bit of self-improvement and happiness because I didn't put my moral house in order soon enough. Paddling may not have been a panacea, but I wish it had been tried.


My parents never hit me, and I don't plan to hit my kids when I have some. I hated being put on the stair, but I would stay there. It is not being weak to give your child a time-out, if you are firm about it, the will view it as a punishment and learn from it. I had, and still have remorse after doing something that I consider hurtful or wrong. I am not trying to insult any parents who do spank their children, but I am saying that there are other ways to dicipline your child that do work.


im 14 and i still get a good spanking here and there. i just got one yesterday. For backtalking my mom. And i got one of those "wait till daddy gets home" things. So dad came in and my mom told him i was misbehaving and yes, i got bent over his knee, my skirt went up, and i got a well deserved spanking. My dad loves me very much and I know this. He tells me every night when i say goodnight to him.

the last time i posted on a website about this topic, i was told how well i seem to take the fact that my dad hits me. The reason I do (or at least i think i do), is that after i get my spanking, i am given about 5 minutes to cry it out, and then my dad comes up and talks about why he had to spank me and what i did wrong. then he tells me he loves me. my dad never spanks out of anger, he spanks out of love. he wants what is best for me and i know when i do something wrong that i deserve to get a sore bottom.

my friend is spanked too. Except when she does get spanked, the next day she tells me in school and starts calling her father names like "asshole" and "jerk" and "basterd". the difference between her dad and mine, is her dad doesnt talk to her about being spanked. he just pulls her pants down and starts whacking her until she crys. Well, yes, thats what my dad does too, but he talks to me about it and tells me he loves me. Her dad hits her without a warning or a given reason or even a kiss. if she ticks him off he just starts whacking her. Thats what makes a spanking a horrible thing. When the arent does it just for "discipline" instead of for love.

if you spank you kid (boy or girl. i dont think there is a difference), talk to them first. give them some time to think it over, then do the spanking, leave, come back about 5 minutes later and tell them why you felt the need to spank them and ask them about how they will prevent a future spanking. then tell them you love them and give them more time to cry it out.

i dont think a kid should be hit in public. i was before, when i was about 7 and i wont forget it. i never thought my dad would hit me in public so i put on a scene and ever since he hit me i knew he would hit me in public so i behaved. i think that if a kid needs discipline in public, the parent should first warn the kid and if the behavoir continues try telling them they will be spanked when they get home unless they prove that they can be good. if the kid still isnt behaving a quiet bathroom or the car should be a time out area or if nessacary, a place to spank your kid. but spanking a kid outside of your home is not the best choice but i think it is an option if you are desprete. after i get spanked, i always need about 20 minutes to cry it all out and get myself together, sometimes more if the spanking really hurt alot, so to do it in public is in a sense a cruel thing to do to a kid. its embarassing to cry in public. how would you like it if you were hit on your butt in public until you cryed, and then you had to walk around in a store with red eyes-still in tears?


My kids are 4 and 2 and they BOTH know the difference between hitting and spanking. And when they do something they know they should not do, they know what the punishment is going to be. They get a spanking. I don't get angry or yell at them, they just get a spanking. Cause and effect.


I knew the difference between spanking and hitting when I was a kid--these idiots who claim kids can't tell the difference either don't know kids or have an odd view of what constitutes a spanking.

Anyone who really doesn't know that there is a difference between spanking and beating, I agree: you SHOULDN'T spank your kids. But don't lecture to the rest of us please.


When my younger sister,my younger brother and I was growing up in Arkansas we all 3 of us got our share of spankings. I remember when I was 8 I was supposed to be sitting at the table doing my homework. But I desided to go watch tv with my brother and sister. Our dad came in and said young lady where are you supposed to be young lady? I said at the table doing my homework. He said why aren't you there then I said daddy I don't want to do my homework right now. He said get out to the table right now young lady. I started throwing a tantrum he came in the livng room and picked me up and gave me 5 hard spanks I started crying. He said go to your room and wait for me. He said you and I need to have a talk. When dad said we needed to have a talk that meant we was going to be over his knee and getting our pants pulled down and he would use his hand, the paddle or he would be taking his belt off and he would be useing that on our bare butts. So I went to my room stamping my feet. So about 20 minutes later he came in my room. He said young lady your going to be getting a bare bottom spanking with my belt. I said Im sorry daddy I won't throw another tantrum. He said as I remember I spank you on Monday for throwing a tantrum. And he said you said you wouldn't throw a tatrum then to. He said now your getting another spanken for the same thing. He said lets get going on your spanken. So I went and stood by my dad and he said pull your pants and panties down. So I did. He took off his belt and put me over his knee and gave me 10 spanks with his belt I just cried and screemed and kicked. Then he put the belt down and started spanking me with his bare hand on my bare butt. I continued to cry. After he stopped spanking me. He let me cry and he held me. He said I am sorry I had to spank you. But he said when you throw a tantrum like you did you wil be spanked. So we talked for a few minutes. And then my dad said you need to go out and finish your homework. I said yes sir. So I finished my homework. And I had to go to bed for a week at 7p.m. I usually went to bed a 8:30 p.m. Beleave me that wasn't the last time I was spanked for a tantrum and my sister,brother and I got spanked for many other things over the years.


collette nov. 21 2005

read your letter on your spanking.
both my wife and i were spanked growing up.
please write so we can share our spanking experinces.
thank you kindly.



both my sister and i were hit (with the hand/wooden ruler/broom stick) when we were younger as a disciplinary measure. It only stopped when i complained to a teacher in highschool and my mother was called in to school for a talk with the school counsellor. I never believed that beating us ever helped (i'm 21), although my little sister (now 20) believes otherwise. However, both of us have been diagnosed as clinically depressed and prescribed antidepressants. I used to hate my parents for the way they chose to discipline my sister and I and I was suicidal during the first few years of highschool. I am still now extremely shy around people older than myself, which my counsellor had attributed to me being apprehensive at people who may disapprove of me, stemming from my childhood experiences with my mother's hitting.

I think the hitting also has influenced my sister's views on violence, as she thinks hitting people is an ok way to deal with people that you disagree with. Even when we have disagreements in public, she will start punching me or shoving me (and not in a joking way) :S

If my mother had explained the reasons behind why certain actions were acceptable and why others were not acceptable, I think things would have gone more smoothly. But I never understood (and still don't understand) why she got so angry that she would hit us over over the neatness of my handwriting, or me having a snack from the fridge.

Perhaps it's an asian cultural thing (although it is not an excuse!). My family were originally from HK (we moved to Australia while we were still young children). My aunt from my father's side used to beat my cousins with clotheshangers in front of the whole family or lock them in a room, for the slightest wrongdoing. I was beaten by my father and called "useless" for having asthma?!?!?!


Yes we spank, but very rarely. Matthew (above) questions spanking kids on the bare bottom. We start spanking at about 2, and the problem is they don't feel the spanking through a diaper, even if you use a belt. So we always took off their clothes and diaper for spankings. When you spank bare you can use much less force and still have an effective spankings, so that's why we do it.


My husband and I both got spanked when needed growing up.
Please write to Laurey at:


I was spanked when I was growing up.
I am now 29 years old.
Married. No children as of yet but do want to raise a family some day.
My husband and I will spank when needed,
Please write to

Mrs. Laurey Allman


girls if youd like a very good spanking
please email me


My husband and I are both school teachers at A All Girl's Private School.
We have spanked many a naughty girl.
Please write to fornacation101@yahoo.com

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