What can Brown do for you?

Tonight is BossLady's last night of freedom. Tomorrow, her 4-month maternity leave is officially over! Naturally, this is an emotional milestone for her and she's wrought with anxiety. Having been away from work for so long, it's understandable that she's experiencing a flurry of emotions. She's heartbroken about leaving the Peanut in daycare. She's distressed about the projects waiting for her at work. She's nervous about pumping breast milk at work. She's distraught about not being able to fit into her old work clothes. And more than anything, she's stressed about juggling the responsibilities of work and motherhood.

But me? I couldn't be happier! Right now, I'm hiding in the kitchen and celebrating by drinking a vodka martini. Why? Because I'm an insensitive jerk? No, friends not me. I'm happy because although I share some of my wife's anxieties about her return to work, I know that SHE'LL HAVE LESS TIME TO BUY BABY SHIT OFF THE INTERNET!

Don't get me wrong. My wife is not a spendthrift. But there's something about having a baby that makes the BossLady turn into the Imelda Marcos of infant gear. I think her newfound profligacy is a combination of her love for the Peanut, the isolation of being home alone all day with a baby, the idle chatter of other young mothers and the fact of having free time on her hands. Or maybe it's part of the gathering instinct embedded into a mother's genetic code. All I know is that the parts of the apartment that aren't covered with baby gear are usually covered with an avalanche of baby catalogs. Who even knew there were that many companies that sold baby crap?

Anyway, I hadn't quite realized the extent of the BossLady's buying until two months after the birth of the Peanut. Sure, I'd noticed a few more extra boxes lying around. And the Peanut seemed to have outfits that I'd never seen before. But it wasn't until I came home early one day from work and ran into the UPS delivery man that I saw how my wife had been spending her days.

Just to set the record straight, the UPS man comes to our apartment building at 5:30 every afternoon so I'd never met him before because I'm always in the office during that time. But as soon as we ran into each other in the lobby, he greeted me like a long-lost friend. First, he called me by my name. Second, he congratulated me on the birth of the Peanut and marveled at how cute she was. And third, he turned to me and said, "Sorry. No packages for you guys today."

Now, I'm a pretty friendly guy so I turned to my UPS guy and replied, "Look. Just between us guys, am I getting packages delivered to my apartment every day?" My man in brown turned to me, laughed a little and said, "Dude. Usually, you get SEVERAL packages a day." What the fuck? Are you kidding me? Normally I'd go through the roof, explode into the apartment and tear up the BossLady's credit cards. But how upset can you be with a woman who just gave birth to your beautiful daughter, right? Needless to say, BossLady and I had a little talk that evening and we put a moratorium on her baby spending.

And the UPS guy? Thank God he honored Guy Code and gave me the scoop. I owe him for that one. Every once in awhile, I'll be walking down the street with my nose in the newspaper and I'll hear these two loud beeps. I'll look up and see the UPS man driving his big old brown truck. Every time he sees me now, he honks his horn, gives me a little smile and flashes a big thumbs up. Funny motherfucker, isn't he?

Now for some final wise words of wisdom...

Fellas...when your wife gives birth, hide all the credit cards. She's going to be a little disoriented from giving birth and her mind will be on so many things that she'll naturally be more forgetful. Stick her credit cards somewhere she won't find them (in my wife's case, the oven.) Whatever you do, don't leave your wife at home alone with a new baby, a credit card and internet access. Trust me on this one.

Ladies...if you must be madwomen and order everything off buymorebabyshit.com, be smart about it. Have everything giftwrapped and sent to you so it doesn't look like you bought it yourself. Or try sending all the stuff to your sister's house. Whatever you do, don't let your husbands find the receipts.

And BossLady...All kidding aside, thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving us the greatest gift in the world...the birth of our little Peanut. I've never been happier. Thank you for enduring the travails of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. I know it hasn't always been easy but how can you argue with the end result? We make a pretty cute baby, don't we? I think we should make a few more. Want to meet me in the bedroom in 10 minutes and go for #2? (Just kidding!) We can wait a few more months! (again, kidding!) But the Peanut and I love you tremendously! You're a great wife and a loving mom. Have a great day at work tomorrow and always remember how much we love you.

Comments

[Misty]

My husband and I actually had a conversation about how Ebay helped fight off post-partum! Go easy on her!

[Julie M.]

Awwww, you're so cute, MetroDad. What a nice thing to say to your wife on her first day back to work. Good luck, BossLady! Hope you have a smooth transition back to work!

[Delia]

My daughter is pretty much the same age as Peanut, so I gather. I've been back at work for 2 weeks... and I hate it. I don't hate it, but I hate being away from my baby. Hate, hate, hate it. The first 5 days I went to work, I cried every day on my way in.

Here're my tips:
- humor her - don't call her paranoid if she needs to check up a couple of times a day. or a couple hundred.
- pumping at work is fun - if you look at it like a built-in hide-away break.
- let your wife buy some baby things for the office - a footprint and a picture or something to show off the peanut
- humor her some more and help out extra around the house when she gets home from work. she's going to want to soak up every minute of the time she has with the baby once she gets home.

Good luck to the both of you!!

[Stacy]

I remember my first week back that my Peanut went to daycare (very first week back she was home with DH). I cried the whole way here and I swear if there had been a turnaround on the freeway, I would have taken it.

Just tell her this for me: It will get easier. I promise. It's going to suck really bad for a while... then it will get easier. Never easy, but easier.

[Karyn]

I've been back at work for 3 weeks now, and it IS hard but it gets a bit easier as the baby grows more independent. This was such a sweet entry. I really enjoy your blog.

[Terri]

I learned very early and had all my packages sent to my parent's house. Even today (the monster is 18 months) I still keep stuff stored in my car until the hubs is fast asleep.

Good luck BossLady! Everyone is right, it's never easy but it does get easier.

[Jeffrey]

Thanks for the tip, metro. I'll be sure to hide the credit cards after my wife gives birth in 3 weeks. She's already been going nuts during pregnancy and is loading up our house with all kinds of junk. I shudder to think what will happen if I leave her alone.

[ShortStoryDude]

Metro - Good tips. I'll be putting them to use soon. The oven is a great idea!

[LHB]

That first paragraph pretty much sums me up. I was a wreck the entire time I was on maternity leave just obsessing over going back to work. Oh, and about the clothes fitting! Don't even get me started on these alien hips.
Let your wife know that it isn't as bad as she imagines it to be. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, but it just makes you love your baby even more (if that is even possible) It also helps that I have about one million pictures burned onto a CD to look at while I'm supposed to be working. ha.
Oh, and the pumping at work isn't so bad. It just means she gets to be away from her desk more during the day. If she can find a private room with a computer, she can manuever herself somehow to pump AND surf the web. It's great.
Wish her luck for me

[Kristie]

The world could use more husbands and daddies like you MetroDad. You rule the school.

[Jenny]

C'mon Metro..are you telling me that the instant that beautiful little Peanut entered the world, you didn't want to run out and buy everything in site for her?! :)
The ending was sweet...do you have a brother? Just kidding of course. Have a wonderful day back at work BossLady!!

[Kelly's Mommy]

I hope you had a great day back at work, BossLady!

I was an emotional wreck when my maternity leave was over. I think I just sat at my desk and whimpered all day. Things will get better soon enough. Now, I kind of enjoy being at work. It sort of gives me a renewed sense of worth and gives me a breather from all my mommy duties. But boy, that first week away from my little baby girl was tough!

[Linda]

Good luck, BossLady! I hope you had a great day at work. And like all the other mommies said, the first day is definitely always the hardest. Really, it definitely does get easier. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby. That definitely cushions the blow and makes things better!

[BossLady]

First off, I want to thank my husband MetroDad for being truly wonderful and supportive. I LOVED the orchids you sent to work! Thanks also for not getting pissed at all those near daily packages - but you couldn't get mad because it was for Peanut!

Secondly, I want to thank eBay and all online retailers for keeping any sort of post partum depression at bay.

Thirdly, thanks to everyone for their support and advice. It really sucked ass to be back at work but reading MetroDad and looking at our online photo albums of Peanut really helped. I appreciate the thought that it can only get better from here....

BossLady.

p.s. MetroDad DOES have a younger brother who is quite the eligible bachelor! Get yours while you can, ladies!

[Jenny]

Woohoo! He does have a brother! It's okay to have a husband and a boyfriend...isn't it? I'll be waiting for a picture in my email! ;)
Sorry I couldn't be of any help to you BossLady, but I didn't go back to work...I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. I hope it gets easier for you..or you could just quit and be a stay at home ebayer/mommy! :) Take care!

[Jim]

No shit on the Credit Cards... it wasn't until my third one that I learned that lesson. After my second one, X went nuts with cloth diapering, every day after work I'd come home to a new package of diapers, diaper covers, cloth diaper accoutrments... grrrrrr...

When we separated and were divvying up the goodies, I came across SIX large garbage bags full of cloth diapering shit.

[kellybean]

I just found out about your blog thru an article in the SF Chronicle. Love it! It's good preparatory reads for a to-be parent!

Good luck returning to work BossLady!

[Krissy]

I tried to post earlier.

I had to deal with the other side of the coin when I went back to work. I was so incredibly relieved. Not for a moment relieved about getting away from the baby, but getting the hell out of the house, yes. I'm an extrovert. I hated the cleaning/housekeeping/isolationist part of parenting. I went for three hour walks just to keep myself sane.

Plus, bought lots of things.

I felt crushing guilt at the sheer relief of being back to work amongst the living. And I don't even particularly love my job all that much.

Now, I miss him terribly and wish I could work three days instead of five and that I could have him here with me in his bouncy chair. I cherish weekends and the time we spend together. But he loves his daycare with all the love in his little baby heart and I love having somewhere to go in the mornings.

If you feel a little relief mingled in with the sadness, that's okay. However much of a shitty parent you're feeling is nothing compared to my mad Shitty Parenting skilz.

[Linda]

Metrodad sent you orchids for your first day back at work, Bosslady? That's soooo damn sweet. The only time DH sends me flowers is when he's in my doghouse. And I think he buys them off the Mexican guys selling them on the side of the highway. Hmmm...maybe you need to introduce me to MD's younger brother!

[Suzanne]

I got addicted to ebay once. I bought a table that started off at 99 cents which sounded like a great buy and a good idea. By the time I was done bidding, and paying shipping...it was about 99 dollars. -sigh-
Luckily she's going back to work. Be sweet as it's very tough to be away for the first time. Hang in there guys!

[Beth]

I hope things are going well, Boss Lady. And Metro, you are too sweet...orchids!

[Grins]

Psst Boss Lady, if you're reading this, have you seen http://www.hannaandersson.com? Great catalog!

[honestyrain]

awwwww, sweet.

tell your wife to move to canada before the next baby. we have one year mat leave.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

I had some bad shrimp the other night and then I REALLY saw what brown can do for me.

[Sierra]

Honey, is that you? I know I've become an addict, but can you really blame me?

too funny! My husband and I had the same converstaion the other night. I'm trying to curb my baby spending before we have to sell the house. HaHa!!!

[Kim]

Hang in there, BossLady. The back to work thing sucks. It kinda gets better. Sorta.

Actually, some women really enjoy working and eventually it doesn't both them all that much. Myself, I worked for two years after Neve was born. Had a great nanny, I loved my job, I made great money, I was good at what I did. But I just hated being away from her.

When we got pregnant with Jax, I decided to quit and stay home with the kids. Then went through PPD from hell while adjusting to not having a career identity anymore. I'm finally, five years later, getting to a good balance of work and family. It's never easy though.

Good luck with it, BL. Any man who'll send you orchids at work your first day back? Is a keeper. And I second the Hanna Andersson catalog, btw. That's http://www.hannaandersson.com . All major credit cards accepted (just being helpful here, MD).

Cutest kid clothes on the planet. They have the BEST tights, so cute, and my Hanna tights have lasted through 2 girls now.

[coolbeans]

I'm NOT giving unsolicited advice. But! Two things!

1. I pumped at work for over a year.
2. I like to tell people how to do things.

That is all.

Except: Zero Boss is right, man. My eyeballs have been fried.

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