I can't wait until the Peanut starts eating solid foods. Because although I've always extolled the healthy benefits of breastfeeding, the BossLady and I continue to be amazed at the ever-changing consistency of our daughter's poop. I know I said once that I wouldn't write about the everyday aspects of childcare. But dammit, when it comes to baby poop, I just can't help myself! Sometimes I'll look in the Peanut's diaper and what I see will dispel many of the previous notions I had regarding the laws of physics and biology.
Since the birth of our daughter, we've been fairly diligent in keeping a sleeping, feeding and diaper diary. For parents-to-be, I highly recommend maintaining some sort of similar log or journal. It really helps you figure out patterns in behavior so when something is off kilter with your baby, you can refer back to the log to see if anything deviated from the normal routine.
Anyway, our journal is fairly scientific and uses our own coded glossary. This past weekend, we had some relatives over and one of them happened to pick up the diaper diary, flip through our notations and then ask, "Hey, guys. What does T.A.E. stand for?" The BossLady and I looked at each other and smiled, wondering whether we should reveal our secret acronymous code. Finally, we started laughing and explained to our relatives that T.A.E. stood for "TOTAL ASS EXPLOSION."
Yes, friends. Every few days, my daughter's ass completely explodes! Her viscous poo enthusiastically escapes the confines of the diaper; sometimes it flows upward like a volcano and sprays her entire backside. Other times, it migrates south and envelops the back of her pasty white thighs. Where the poo eventually lands is usually a total crap shoot (pun intended.) Needless to say, it's a mess to clean up. She gets it all over her clothes (sometimes making me contemplate whether we're better off burning them instead of washing them.) At times like this, feces-to-skin contact is rarely avoided and we stand dumbfounded in awe at the sheer volume of it all.
We quickly learned that diapers were not a "catch-all" solution (pun intended.) As first-time parents, this came as a big surprise to us. We had naturally thought that, by now, modern technology would have created a diaper capable of capturing all of a child's excrement. We didn't know that diaper success was measured on a completion percentage where 70% got you invited to the Pro Bowl and 80% got you into the Hall of Fame. Naturally, when we discussed this with other parents, they smiled quietly and told us that they were so glad when their kids started eating solid foods. And while the parents said that looking into their child's diaper and seeing an actual tiny mini-log of poop was completely surprising to them, they were so glad to be over the T.A.E.s.
See...Total Ass Explosions are they type of thing that they just don't teach you about in Lamaze or in the Baby Care & Feeding classes. I've yet to see an mention of it in any of the parenting literature. Why is that? Even though it's not immensely important or relevant, how could you NOT mention it if you're writing a book that has a whole chapter on infant bowel movements and changing diapers? After all, most baby books go into great detail about the meaning of your baby's poop based on its color or its consistency. Some of them even discuss the relevance of the poop's smell! So, after all that, why wouldn't you mention the occasional Total Ass Explosions? At least give it a footnote, man!
It just reaffirms my belief that I need to write a book about baby care and parenting for fathers. Not covering any of the important stuff. Just the stuff that they never tell you about. In fact, I'd write a whole chapter on baby poop...like how to change diapers between innings, how long a baby can really go without a fresh diaper, how to eat a sandwich while changing a diaper or what to do when the dog starts eating the baby's poop.
I don't know what I'd call the book but THAT chapter would be titled, "No Shit?"
OMG I'm dying laughing!
I formula fed both of my kids so I didn't have TAE's. They pooped little gold balls because the iron constipated them.
Solid food poop? ACK! When they start eating solid food the poop starts to stink. Like people poop and not baby poop.
The diaper log is a good idea. I never would have thought of that.
Posted by: Kristie | January 19, 2005 at 09:26 AM
LOL!!! That is too funny, Metro! I know what you mean though. The same thing would happen with our son. The wife and I referred to it as Mt. St. Helens (we live in Washington State). Never ceased to amaze us.
BTW, you SHOULD write that book. Cause I'd really like to know what to do when the dog starts going after our son's poop. Happens all the time.
Posted by: Marcus | January 19, 2005 at 09:46 AM
If books told new parents that they would be cleaning poop out of their baby's hair from a shit missile (what you referred to as TAE's), would they really take their baby's home?
My daughter had a milk intolerance the first year, and if I ate anything with the tiniest amount of milk in it (such as bread, hotdogs, cereal, etc..) her ass would blow with such a force it made me shudder. I would hear it slam against the bottom of the diaper and within seconds, it would be up her back, out of the top of her collar, and into her hair. Once, while cleaning up one of these messes, my hubby was lifting her legs up (while on the changing table) to clean her butt, when another round of crap came catapulting out. I happened to be walking into the room, and from 4 feet away, I was blasted with the crap. That was a very low point in my career as a new parent.
Posted by: Jen | January 19, 2005 at 10:59 AM
If books told new parents that they would be cleaning poop out of their baby's hair from a shit missile (what you referred to as TAE's), would they really take their baby's home?
My daughter had a milk intolerance the first year, and if I ate anything with the tiniest amount of milk in it (such as bread, hotdogs, cereal, etc..) her ass would blow with such a force it made me shudder. I would hear it slam against the bottom of the diaper and within seconds, it would be up her back, out of the top of her collar, and into her hair. Once, while cleaning up one of these messes, my hubby was lifting her legs up (while on the changing table) to clean her butt, when another round of crap came catapulting out. I happened to be walking into the room, and from 4 feet away, I was blasted with the crap. That was a very low point in my career as a new parent.
Posted by: Jen | January 19, 2005 at 11:02 AM
I'm with Kristie! Actual baby turds smell awful. I think it's because of their developing digestive systems. But I am glad that we don't have to deal with the Total Ass Explosions anymore. Those always grossed me out. Sometimes, I felt like everytime I changed my daughter's diaper, I was also mopping the floor. Seems so funny when I look back on it now. It wasn't at the time though.
Posted by: Bonnie | January 19, 2005 at 11:05 AM
So true Metro. So true. We have just introduced solids to our 4 month old daughter and the "outcome" really is surprising. Seriously, who knew that orange veggies + breast milk = green toothpasty poo? And the smell, WHOA. Write the book, please. My husband would have loved the warning had it been available.
Posted by: Amy | January 19, 2005 at 11:29 AM
Ahhh, that brings me back to the days..lol.
There was one time in particular that we went on a road trip to Dallas..a 17 hour road trip...and my 11 month old daughter had a T.A.E. all the way up her back and into her hair..aaaand, down her legs caking her clothes. We stopped at a gas station on the Kansas toll highway, which are few and far between..she had good timing! While I was cleaning up her T.A.E. an armed police women comes in and checks all the stalls, while I am standing there at the little pull out changer, looking around to see what the hell she is looking for. Then she goes out and and brings this shackled teenager in..shackled..hands cuffed to ankles..I was thinking..yeah, great time to have an ass explosion! Anyway, the girl stops and looks at all the shit,then looks at the huge pile of wipes, then looks at me and says..THAT is what I have to look forward to?!Turns out she was preggers... She had a look of shear terror on her face!
Posted by: Jenny | January 19, 2005 at 11:39 AM
Metro - write the damn book. Your perspective is awesome. ALthough it scares the crap out of me (pun intended) because we're having our first in May.
Short Story Dude (David)
Posted by: David | January 19, 2005 at 12:57 PM
We called them Assplosions. And I'll second the comment that real-food poop smells way worse than breast milk poop. But I'll take the smell if that's what it takes to leave the Assplosions behind (pun!). The thing that amazed with both my boys is how I can be in the same room with a person who has a diaper-load of stinky stinky poo and have to look into the diaper for visual confirmation before I'm really certain that it's diaper changing time.
Posted by: Hank | January 19, 2005 at 01:42 PM
I found you through angryasianman.com and I'm hooked! where do you come up with such clever titles for your blogs?
Posted by: chunky | January 19, 2005 at 02:25 PM
You should write that book, Metro. Too funny!
Posted by: Beth | January 19, 2005 at 10:09 PM
What about the TAEs that come with whole, undigested raisins or black beans. Guh-narly!
Posted by: Dr. Johnny fever | January 19, 2005 at 10:10 PM
Metro-I will take the smelly ones over the TAE's any day!! I don't miss the burn the clothes vs. wash them debate at all. It is horrible to try to clean the crap stains off their adoarable little clothes. First time poster from Chicago-LOVE your blog!
Posted by: Christina | January 20, 2005 at 11:56 AM
When my daughter was about 2 months old, my fiance was changing her diaper as I was changing my clothes (yeah for spit-up) and I heard, "HOLY SHIT!! IT HIT THE WALL!! BABY, SHE HIT THE WALL WITH HER POOP!!!!!!!" I went running into the nursery and my little darling had sneezed at the exact time he had removed her diaper and the shit went flying. It was over the entire wall, the lamp and my poor fiance. I was laughing so hard I was crying. He didn't find it so funny. Now that we've started her on solids (she's 7 months now) her poop is real poop. Like real people. Like real stinky. At least before she wasn't as smelly.
Posted by: Yvonne | January 20, 2005 at 04:02 PM
delurking for a minute to say how appropriate your code is.... tae in my country really means "poop"
i enjoy reading your entries... reminds me of my baby's early months and our experiences....
keep on writing!
Posted by: maiji | January 20, 2005 at 05:36 PM
Hello! I am here on behalf of the membership of The Poppy Club. We appreciate the fabulosity of your blog and congratulate you on your recent success in The Best of Blogs Award competition. We are hosting a party to celebrate you and your fellow finalists and would be honored if you would join us to walk the Red Carpet and greet your fans:
Friday, Saturday and Sunday--January 21-23
The Tall Poppy Diaries
http://tall-poppy-diaries.blogspot.com
Attire: Black Tie
Red Carpet Opens at 12:01 on Friday, January 21
We hope that you and your friends can join us. And again, please accept our congratulations and best wishes for a very successful and happy 2005.
Posted by: Pink Poppy | January 20, 2005 at 06:52 PM
I can't remember what we called the poop up the back thing, maybe just that . . . But in my house, when poop hit the wall it was Projectile Poop. And 4 years later the memory is vivid!
Posted by: MomToOne | January 21, 2005 at 09:18 PM
I can't remember what we called the poop up the back thing, maybe just that . . . But in my house, when poop hit the wall it was Projectile Poop. And 4 years later the memory is vivid!
Posted by: MomToOne | January 21, 2005 at 09:18 PM
Incidentally, "TAE" is "poo" in the Filipino vernacular. You nailed that one right in the noggin', Metro . Cheers from Manila!
Posted by: Aphrodite Undercover | February 11, 2005 at 03:38 PM
In case you were wondering "what the hell do I do with all this baby shit?", here's a website that suggests that you put it up your own butt:
http://curezone.com/cleanse/enema/#What_is_Fecal_Flora_Replacement
It's good for what ails ya!
Posted by: kate | February 12, 2005 at 04:37 PM
Projectile poo! I was so proud of my daughter one time she did it that I actually took photos of the poo-stained wall in her room...
Posted by: John | February 16, 2005 at 02:55 PM
hgvkhGzhvzhj
Posted by: | March 30, 2005 at 04:18 PM
I was googling for "how to clean baby poop carpet" - your post came up first.
I am afraid that my child has broken Newton's third law of motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
By all accounts, the amount of force required to shoot bright yellow watery fecal matter six feet across the room should have been more than enough to propel him headfirst off the changing table.
Yet he remained in place with a decidedly content look on his face. After a lot of scrubbing, the poo finally came out of the carpet, which now has an unsightly new-carpet-clean spot where the crap gernade landed.
Posted by: buck09 | November 15, 2005 at 12:52 AM
I, too, was googling for "clean baby poop from carpet" and came across this post. After a good laugh though, I needed to go look up how to actually get the shit off the carpet, since my son had a TAE not 5 minutes ago and the stink if fresh on my fingers. SO - to celan the poop: mix one cup of water to 1 tsp each of dish detergent and white vinegar. Do the blot/scrub thing, and then be thankful that it's only on the carpet and not somewhere *really* bad, say, in your mouth. (Let's just say it was a true TAE nightmare).
Posted by: E! | January 18, 2006 at 12:09 PM
Good site! Keno, [url=http://www.quizilla.com/users/Play-Keno-Online-Games/journal/]Keno[/url], free Keno, [url=http://www.quizilla.com/users/Play-Keno-Online-Games/journal/560150/free_keno/]free Keno[/url], Blackjack, [url=http://www.quizilla.com/users/Online-Blackjack-Casinos/journal/]Blackjack[/url], Black Jack, [url=http://www.quizilla.com/users/Online-Blackjack-Casinos/journal/539457/online_black_jack_-_play_over_25_versions_of_online_black_jack/]Black Jack[/url].
Posted by: Keno | June 23, 2007 at 07:32 PM
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-cialis-online.html]buy cialis online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-tramadol-online.html]buy tramadol online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-viagra-online.html]buy viagra online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-valium-online.html]buy valium online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-levitra-online.html]buy levitra online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-phentermine.html]buy phentermine[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-viagra.html]buy viagra[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-cialis.html]buy cialis[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-tramadol.html]order tramadol[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-viagra.html]order viagra[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-cialis-online.html]order cialis online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-viagra-online.html]order viagra online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-tramadol-online.html]order tramadol online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-levitra.html]order levitra[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-valium.html]order valium[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-cialis.html]buy cialis[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-soma-online.html]buy soma online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-soma.html]order soma[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-viagra.html]cheap viagra[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/tramadol-online.html]tramadol online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-cialis.html]cheap cialis[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-tramadol.html]cheap tramadol[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-xanax.html]cheap xanax[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-phentermine.html]cheap phentermine[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-valium.html]cheap valium[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/buy-tramadol-online.html]buy tramadol online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-tramadol-online.html]cheap tramadol online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-viagra-online.html]cheap viagra online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-adipex-online.html]cheap adipex online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-ativan-online.html]cheap ativan online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-ambien-online.html]cheap ambien online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-cialis-online.html]cheap cialis online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-hydrocodone-online.html]cheap hydrocodone online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-phentermine-online.html]cheap phentermine online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-acyclovir-online.html]cheap acyclovir online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-celexa-online.html]cheap celexa online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-levitra-online.html]cheap levitra online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-ultram-online.html]cheap ultram online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-vicodin-online.html]cheap vicodin online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-viagra-soft-tabs-online.html]cheap viagra soft tabs online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-xenical-online.html]cheap xenical online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/cheap-meridia-online.html]cheap meridia online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-albenza-online.html]order albenza online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-alprazolam-online.html]order alprazolam online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-amoxicillin-online.html]order amoxicillin online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-cymbalta-online.html]order cymbalta online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-xanax-online.html]order xanax online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-propecia-online.html]order propecia online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-soma-online.html]order soma online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-tramadol-online.html]order tramadol online[/url]
[url=http://seo.ohsu.edu/images/order-viagra-online.html]order viagra online[/url]
Posted by: seohsuwm | July 05, 2007 at 04:51 PM
arkansas small business administration
3High dividend ETFs have lagged the market, especially popular DVY. This may be the best
argument yet for owning high dividend ETFs as they appear likely to cushion an equities fall
Posted by: Pyroifyibouri | July 17, 2007 at 09:08 PM
http://www.hyip-catalog.com
I invested money in some programs which are placed on this site.
It is written that it is the program which helps make money online.
It really works?
http://www.hyip-catalog.com
Posted by: Cawayimmalm | July 22, 2007 at 01:48 PM
[url=http://mp3sunrise.com/christmas/gnr57/]Christmas[/url]
[url=http://mp3sunrise.com/folk-balkanian/gnr186/]Folk:
[url=http://mp3sunrise.com/folk-latin/gnr473/]folk:
[url=http://mp3sunrise.com/jazz-crossover-jazz/gnr31/]Jazz:
Jazz[/url]
[url=http://mp3sunrise.com/metal-power/gnr456/]Metal:
music[/url]
[url=http://mp3sunrise.com/rock-fusion/gnr103/]Rock:
[url=http://mp3sunrise.com/rock-new-wave/gnr120/]Rock:
Posted by: ffpfois | July 30, 2007 at 05:04 PM
Aus blénken Blieder Schuebersonndeg as, oft de Bass duurch Himmel. [URL=http://jacquelynebegby189.tripod.com/portland-malls/podcast-pickle-digitalsl.html]podcast pickle digitalsl[/URL]
Posted by: blueterce | August 12, 2007 at 04:40 PM
Hello!
Look here>
[url=http://imlive.com/wmaster.asp?WID=124298039775&linkID=702&gotopage=homepage2.asp&promocode=BCODE6E7H8HEE_00000][img]http://pussycash.com/Content/Banners/imlive/banner_a53.gif[/img][/url]
Posted by: briltroaloult | August 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Hello
I don't know what happend? Where are you many?
Bye
Posted by: MdicialviewStics | August 15, 2007 at 07:50 PM
How do I get my work into the Library of Congress
Posted by: alqdvykc | August 23, 2007 at 12:31 AM
You own my respect and gratitude. Thanks to your hard labour and persistance we have a magnificent web and together with other standards an easy to use enviroment. Thank you!
Posted by: DDT-MODELS | October 21, 2007 at 12:34 AM
Generally speaking, the average fitness enthusiast has very little desire to ever look like a bodybuilder.
Posted by: Layecuddeda | November 29, 2007 at 02:50 PM
You may freely reprint this information on your website provided the following caption remains intact.
Posted by: Salmeflalueva | December 21, 2007 at 03:32 AM
Good site
Good luck the web designer.
Posted by: broofsCaf | January 26, 2008 at 05:36 PM
vLWhYG f8405v845f42mdpc8oa
Posted by: genry | April 30, 2008 at 05:34 PM
Very funny pictures gay ass rape =-DD
Posted by: Rvyymmve | May 01, 2008 at 07:07 AM
this is be cool 8) free porn video :PP
Posted by: Bmrcxhak | May 01, 2008 at 08:26 AM
good material thanks acetanalid >:-]
Posted by: Ttxsjste | May 01, 2008 at 05:29 PM
Gloomy tales monstercocks 423
Posted by: Yiqxihfk | May 01, 2008 at 09:46 PM
Punk not dead cheap airline tickets flying with a dog 352
Posted by: Bmtdhcse | May 03, 2008 at 03:16 PM
cheap tickets to new york ezx
Posted by: Jdcyqebl | May 04, 2008 at 02:27 PM
grererret
Posted by: jonn | September 03, 2008 at 08:54 AM
GXlXAv gjsRt3i9fkls03GsAc
Posted by: sandra | October 14, 2008 at 06:43 AM
Adult Voyeur - World Wide Wives has everything for the Voyeur enthusiast, free voyeur pictures, voyeur videos,
and real life profiles of women and men from around the world
Posted by: Gorrdon | November 16, 2008 at 06:36 PM
Its my world $)I ts my world $)Its my world $)I ts m
y world $)Its my world $)I ts my world $)Its my world $)I ts my world $)
Posted by: mishkamiha | December 21, 2008 at 12:13 PM
Name=http://grekigal.narod.ru/
Buy movies and films.It's just wonderful.downloads movies,buy very cheap a movies. Less then 1.99$ for a complete movie! Buy all quality movies. DVD, PDA, DivX, iPod formats. More than 30 000 movies of all genres and years! Download Movies Online=buy moviesbuy movieshttp://grekigal.narod.ru/[url=http://grekigal.narod.ru/]buy movies[/url]
Mail=dino@yahoo.com Country=greece
Age=23
City=tib
ICQ=255863147
Job=shop
Phone=991847211123
Title=buy movies
Posted by: harriss | December 26, 2008 at 09:30 PM
EagleSpeak: Somali Pirates: Insurance issues
2009-01-05 04:35:23 eaglespeak.us
Mr Gilman - editor of Arnould's Law of Marine Insurance, published by Sweet & Maxwell - said that because it was often very difficult to verify accurately the number of pirates involved in an attack, it could lead to legal conflicts. ...
insurance
http://uusite.livejournal.com/
Posted by: insurance-live | January 10, 2009 at 03:54 PM