MetroDad

Eyes Wide Shut!

Cross your fingers for me, friends.  I'm going under the laser today so I can trade in my crappy near-sighted eyes for some shiny new ones.  That's right, I've finally decided to undergo Lasik surgery.  I've been wearing contacts and glasses for almost 25 years now and I'm sick of them.  Though my glasses have been a nice fashion accessory over the years (Man, how gay am I?) and still make me look a lot smarter than I really am, I'm sick of having them fog up as I stand over the lunch buffet.  I'm sick of blindly running around the apartment, trying to find them in the morning.  And lately, the Peanut has decided it's really fun to play this game where she waits until I'm not looking and then grabs the glasses off my head.

The doctor that I'm going to apparently is one of the pioneers of Lasik and has developed many of the lastest techniques.  But still, there's something about it all that seems so "Bladerunner" or "Gattaca."  In many ways, my lack of understanding in science makes me very nervous about certain things.  Like flying in a plane ("It's too big. It can't go up!"- Call the movie, people!) 

Anyway...what was I talking about?  Crap, I don't even remember.  All I know is that, after my surgery, there's to be no reading, computer usage or television for 48-72 hours.  That's why I purposefully scheduled my surgery for today.  I planned it around the Rose Bowl (Go Texas!) and last night's episode of "Earl."  If all goes well, I'll be able to watch "West Wing" on Sunday night.   I'm a sick man, aren't I? 

Well, wish me luck.  Hopefully, I"ll "see" you on Monday.  If things go awry and I'm rendered sightless for the rest of my life, don't worry.  I've got about 20 posts saved up already.  What do you expect from a man who's already written his own obituary?  (Just kidding.  I haven't finished it yet.  I'm only halfway finished.  Anyone know a good word that rhymes with cantankerous?)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

(UPDATE:  I just read in today's NY Times that TV Land is going to start rerunning episodes of "Miami Vice" this weekend.  Many of you know about my love of this show. What do I do?  Crockett and Tubbs?  Or major life-altering eye surgery?  Tough call.  Guess I'll get my eyes done.  Damn!  At least it's not "The White Shadow."  Then, I'd really have to reconsider.)

My Name is MetroDad

I don't know about you folks but I'm kind of getting into that new NBC show "My Name is Earl."  Maybe it's my longtime man-crush on Jason Lee.  Maybe it's my fascination with redneck culture.  Or maybe it's because of my preoccupation with the idea of karmic retribution. Whatever the reason, I'm pretty hooked on the show. 

Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with the "My Name is Earl," the premise is that the lead character Earl has taken one too many wrong turns on the highway of life. However, a twist of fate turns his life into a tailspin of life-renewing events. Earl wins a small lottery, and, after an epiphany (courtesy of Carson Daly) he is determined to transform his good fortune into a life-changing event as he sets out to right all the wrongs from his past.

In the spirit of the coming New Year and my ongoing quest to try and become a better human being, I thought it might be appropriate to list some of my transgressions against my fellow man and perhaps think of ways that I can atone for my past trespasses.  After doing some thinking about it, herein lies my short list (a la Earl) of regrettable offenses...

• In my 10th grade math class, I used to spend the hour each day rolling up little balls of paper and strategically placing them on the head of the boy who sat in front of me.  His hair was irresistible.  It was one of those massive early 80's Jewfros and I couldn't help myself.  By the end of class, he sometimes had 100 little balls of paper in his hair. 
  

• Although I never faked my own death to break up with a girl, I once broke up with a girl by FedEx-ing a letter to her house.  I even enclosed a return envelope so I could get my keys back.  However, the girl was certifiably insane and had completely trashed my apartment partying with her friends the night before (while I was out of town.) 

• Once, after a woman I know pissed me off, I exacted revenge by filling out over 100 subscription cards to various magazines in her name and checking the box that said "Bill Me Later."  On the one hand, I do have a bit of remorse at having overreacted.  But on the other hand, I wish I could have seen the lady's face when she started receiving issues of "Juggs," "Rough Rider," and "Cat Aficionado" in her mailbox. 

• About 10 years ago when I was so broke I couldn't even afford the hole out of a donut, I used to wake up early on Sunday mornings to steal my neighbor's New York Times.  Regrettably, this is one of the things that I feel guiltiest about.  Talk about fucking up somebody's Sunday.  What an asshole I was!

• I once smoked a joint in my apartment up on the 16th floor and, for kicks, shined a tiny laser pointer onto the neighborhood crazy guy down below on the street.  He started freaking out, trying to brush the little red dot off himself.  At one point, he even started running around in circles. People around him thought he was nuts.  Every time someone came near him, he'd run over to them to ask whether they could see the dot too and then I'd turn the laser pointer off.  In my state of bemusement, this actually kept me entertained for over an hour. Sorry, crazy dude!

• Back in college, I used to wake up early on football game days each Saturday and sell daily parking spaces for $15.00 to Saab-driving, polo-shirt-wearing SF Judds.  The only problem?  Those parking spaces weren't mine.  They were my neighbors.

• Growing up, I used to tell MetroBro that he was adopted and that our family found him underneath the George Washington Bridge.

• In high school, there was a group of older guys who graduated several years above me that obnoxiously referred to themselves as the "Group of 6."  One year, they were stupid enough to spray-paint "The 6!" on the driveway of our school.  I couldn't stand these guys so, a year later, I convinced two friends of mine to go to school with me one night over winter break and spray-paint "The 6 Return!" all over several buildings.  It was all cleaned up before classes resumed but rumor had it that the administration had the police pay "The 6" a little visit. 
  

• Every year, there would be a school trip to Great Adventure/Six Flags.  And every year, we'd always go to the Haunted House.  And every time I went to the Haunted House and one of the costumed ghouls jumped out from behind a cage to try and scare me?  I'd squirt them with a bottle of ketchup that I'd stolen from the concession stand.  Now, I feel badly for those costumed ghouls.  But back then?  Oh man, you can only imagine how funny it was!

• I once bought a live pig on the internet and had it sent to a friend's house as a prank.  Unfortunately, I entered the wrong address and it was sent to his mother's house. She wasn't too happy about it.

Damn!  Now that I look at this list, I feel like I've got some serious atoning to do.  After all, I generally do like to think I'm a kind-hearted and considerate guy.  But shit, I never said I was a Boy Scout! 

In fact, one of the greatest pleasures in marrying the BossLady and having the Peanut enter our lives is the fact that both of these events were absolutely life-alterting and absolutely made me a truly better person.  That's not to say that I was necessarily a bad person in my earlier years but, as you might imagine, I did have a darker side.  Crap, didn't we all? 

Here at MetroDad, I like to think that you get unfiltered and unadulterated honesty.  After all, if I were just interested in getting traffic, I'd write cute stories about the Peanut's poop all day long or post photos of her with the dog.  But I like to think that we really are all good friends here so, going forward, these are a few of the things from my past that I think you should probably know about me.  And if recent events are any indication, I can only imagine the evil e-mails I'll get ("I knew you were an asshole, MetroDad.")  But if you're here for the long haul, I thought you might want to know more about the real me...warts and all.   I'm not proud of the things I did but I'm not going to hide them from you.  After all, I'm not trying to win a popularity contest here and if we were friends in the "real" world, I'd end up sharing these stories with you at some point during our friendship.   

Anyway, since we're being all open with one another here, let's hear from you.  Have you ever done something to someone that you regret and would like to atone for (if you could)?  Are there things in your past that you'd like to take back?  What's on your Earl list?  C'mon, folks.  Let's hear it.  I can't be the only a-hole in Blogville, can I?

An inquiring mind wants to know.

Can you dig it?

Being a speedreader and former insomniac, I always had time to pursue my eclectic interests while most of the population was sleeping. But needless to say, having an infant severely limits one's ability to pursue anything other than sleep during one's free time. Well, now that the Peanut is 7 months old and sleeps like a champ, I'm finally starting to get a little bit of my groove back. We've got a pretty good rhythm going now and I feel like I'm starting to catch my breath and regain a sense of my own individuality. Not that everything's alway a bed of roses but man, those first few months were a killer.

That being said, I've started to take an interest in the outside world again. And apropos of nothing, I thought I'd share a few of the things that I'm really digging right now...

-Ian McEwan's "Saturday". A truly brillant read (even if everyone in the U.K. and their mother says so.) Beautifully crafted and layered, this may be the best book of the year. I'd read Atonement a few years ago but this was a much richer experience.

-Mac OS X Tiger. Spotlight. Dashboard. 4-way video ichat. A faster Safari with RSS. Much better networking capabilities. And about a million other improvements for a die-hard Mac geek like myself. If you're one too, you'll know what I'm talking about. And if you're one of those PC people, you really no longer have any excuse not to make the switch.

-$299 R/T tickets from New York to Paris (Air France "Early Bird Special"). Valid from November through March. $299.00. Round trip! Fares haven't been this low in about 7 years. If you've never been to Paris, you should take advantage of these low fares. You may never see them this cheap again. Sure, the Euro is kicking the dollar's ass. But there are plenty of places to stay in Paris for under $50.00/night. If you need some recommendations, I'd be glad to help you out.

-Greg Araki's new film "Mysterious Skin". I just saw this powerful movie at the Tribeca Film Festival. It's a dark drama covering a touchy subject matter. However, it's perfectly cast and brilliantly directed. In this age of Hollywood regurgitation, Mysterious Skin is refreshingly original, unique and thought-provoking. And isn't that what the movies should be about?

-BlueNile.com. Who would ever think of buying jewelry on the internet? But after reading glowing articles in Forbes, the WSJ and the NY Times, I decided to give it a shot and buy some Mother's Day bling for the BossLady. The whole experience was great and the customer service was fantastic. After doing some more research, I decided to buy some shares in the company last week and have already been rewarded with a 20% gain!

-The revival of dramas on Broadway. Sorry to say but I really hate musicals. I disliked Cats, detested Phantom and abhorred Chicago. But the great news for me is that there's currently a renaissance of great dramas with fantastic casts being staged on Broadway: Alan Alda, Liev Schreiber & Jeffrey Tambor in Mamet's "Glengarry Glen Ross," Jessica Lange & Christian Slater in "The Glass Menagerie," Natasha Richardson & John C. Reilly in "A Streetcar Named Desire," and Kathleen Turner in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?". To top it all off? Denzel Washington is doing a limited run as the lead in "Julius Caesar."

-Stanley Crouch's article on jazz great Sonny Rollins in last week's New Yorker. Having been a fan of Sonny Rollins for years, I was surprised to see that there was so much about him that I didn't already know. What will the world of jazz journalism do when we lose Stanly Crouch? He continues to embody the best of music criticism and jazz writing.

-My beloved NY Mets are 18-15 and 2.5 games out of first place. And though it's only May, they're playing well enough to stay in contention. Furthermore, Time Warner Cable and Fox Sports ended their childish squabble so the games are back on TV. And that's all this lifelong fan needs to enjoy the summer.

-Chipotle. How did I miss this? Aside from Popeyes Fried Chicken, I've never been much of a fast food guy. But these burrito bols kick ass. I've gone there 3 times in the past 3 weeks.

-The start of soft-shell crab season. For a few weeks every May, crabs molt their shells for something a little bigger. It takes a few days for the new shells to harden so if the crabs are caught right away, you have that awesome delicacy known as the soft-shell crab. Nothing announces the arrival of Spring to me like major league baseball and the start of soft-shell crab season.

-Zhang Ziyi on People's 50 Most Beautiful List. Ms. Zhang bears an uncanny resemblance to my beautiful wife, the BossLady, and will most certainly be cast as her when they make a film based on my life and this blog. Though I was disappointed that none of my Asian brothers (like Daniel Dae Kim from "Lost" for example) made the list, I feel like my lovely wife did. In fact, the BossLady has a much nicer smile than Zhang Ziyi (though her martial arts skills are not quite as good.)

-More Daddy bloggers enter the fray. Like I've always said...the more, the merrier. These daddy blogs may not all be new but they're relatively new to me. I like them all a lot and I think you will too. So go over and say hi to Not-for-Profit Dad, Amateur Dad, Because I'm your Father, Brainy Bug, and Dad Gone Mad.

That's it for me. So what's floating YOUR boat these days? An inquiring mind wants to know.

Spank you very much!

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments in regard to my last post about spanking. I know it's clearly a very contentious issue that provokes strong responses from people but I was glad to see people discuss the subject constructively.  Lots of interesting perspectives were shared and that's what it's all about, friends.  Because let's face it...it really does take a village.

Anyway, in light of the vociferous debate sparked by the previous post, I thought I'd lighten things up today.  I swore to you before that, unlike many other parenting blogs, I'd never write about the dreary minutiae of my day, my favorite recipe for pumpkin soup, or any topic related to knitting.  And in that same vein of thinking, I also promised myself I wouldn't pander to my audience by posting photos of my beautiful little daughter.  But I changed my mind on that last one.  My little Peanut is now 20 weeks old and, over the past few weeks, has learned to roll herself over onto her stomach.  When she first discovered her ability to do this, she would surprise herself and squeal with glee.  My beautiful wife and partner-in-crime, the BossLady, recently captured this in a photo montage that I like to call "Shake, Rattle & Roll: A Movement in 3 Parts."  Witness...

Rocking those legs for momentum

Rolling over

Surprise!  I did it!

Excuse my language but, man, I fucking love this kid!  She's the happiest baby I've ever seen and she lights my heart up with her constant smiles.  Not only does she have a great temperament but she's also the easiest kid in the world.  BossLady and I always joke that our second child is sure to be the spawn of Satan because, in our karmic view of the universe, life's not supposed to be this easy and payback's alway a bitch!

(By the way, for you tech geeks out there, the lovely and talented BossLady took these photos with her Nikon D70.  Out of the 6 digital cameras that we seem to have collected in our apartment, this one is certainly the best, especially for capturing the unexpected actions of little kids. Nikon claims it can take as many as 144 continuous shots at 3 frames per second.  We've found it's a little slower than that but still faster than virtually any other camera on the market.)

 

"A Star is Born" and "3 Days of the Condor"

Well...it only took 3 days of intense labor, 2 trips to the hospital, 1 tablet of Ambien, 2 doses of Demerol, one long epidural, 3 hours of pushing, one suction cup, and innumerable contractions but...my baby girl finally entered the world today at 2:15 pm, weighing in at 8 lbs, 10 oz and a supermodel length of slightly more than 21 inches.

I can't even begin to go into the details now. I'll save it for another day. However, let me just say that women are the superstars of our universe. My love and respect for BossLady (which were already high to begin with) reached ultimate highs. What this woman went through was incredible. I'd buy her the moon and the stars, and it wouldn't make a dent in the debt that I owe to her.

Really...watching your wife endure so much pain is almost like phantom limb syndrome. You know it's not happening to you but you would swear on a stack of bibles that it is. The helplessness that I felt in watching her go through so much pain was almost unbearable. The only thing that made it possible was the fact that I knew she was going through so much worse.

I could go and get mushy here and tell you about the beauty of birth and the miracle of life. But when I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't turn this into some sort of Iron John, love-fest of life, parenthood and childbirth. And that's not the point of this entry at all. I just wanted to share my happiness with all of you and tell all the mothers of this world (especially BossLady)...

YOU FUCKING ROCK!

And for those of you living in the 'hood, I offer you the wise words of my main man Tupac Shakur...

"Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don't cha know we love ya
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated""