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November 03, 2011

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GFD

"There's very big difference between shark week and shart week."

Rachel Blaufeld

Friend's husband: I know you like it thrown over the couch with me from behind
Me: I do not think this was for me

e

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh Crap, She's up!" Sister Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat u right. Love the ones who don't just because you can. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Kiss slowly. Forgive quickly. God never said life would be easy. He just promised it would be worth it. Today is sister's day. Happy Sister's Day! I LOVE YA SISTA!!! Girlfriends & Sister's Week. I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hair spray I use & the friends I have. To the cool women that have touched my life. Here's to you!! A real sister walks w/u when the rest of the world walks on u.

Seanery

"She asked me if I brought birth control so I showed her a photo of myself in 8th grade."

Mike

"if your wife got a sex change, would you also get a sex change? - ya know, so it's not weird."

Ollie

"Giant pile of Legos on the floor. I've never seen so many adult ass-cracks in one place in my life. Looks like a plumbers' convention."

Jess

"As an f you to Paul Watson, I ate whale last night."

"If you can take the baby to a bar, why can't you take the baby to a casino?"

Vxdollface

"Fml found a tree nut/mini acorn in my pasta and I nommed it T_T then spat it out cause it was hard, prickly & foreign ><"

"I am porajuice.." Dad was attempting to text 'I apologise' lucky my sister proof-read it before he sent it to a client!

"STEVE HOLT \O/"

vxdollface @ gmail.com

elaine

"I have no idea what Hammertime is. Or how it differs from regular time."

helen

Me: "he smelled so bad, I almost gagged".
Friend: "You have no gag reflex whore"

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Very funny stuff! People really text these to you? The only text I get are the ones that say its time to pay my bill.

I always get a laugh when I read your blog.

Thanks!

jackson

"Today was the kind of day that makes sobriety painful."

Jennifer Kay

Are you serious?
These tweets are beyond hilarious!!

Makes me think about "Tweets from last night" or even "Sh*t My Dad Says"...CLASSIC.

"The Deadliest Catch" is uber LOL.

Kila

Thanks for the smiles :)

"vicodin"

Sandra Lee

No idea who Sent me this SMS:

"ok, guys, I guess u all saw on Lisa's Facebook that we are to bring our partners to this weekend swing."

I dared not reply in case I got invited along.

Dalee

From my daughter: "Our neighbor was arrested. You'll see me on the news. Get over it."

Dalee

"I just found out that my parents invisable friends are coming over this weekend so they won't take Diego" (Diego is our dog)

Lauren

My favorite was "Everyone here reminds me of mashed potatoes. White and lumpy." Sounds like my office.

Anon

(Friend) "I'm watching YouTube re USA occupying Cherokee Indian lands. Are we?" "Dunno. I only watch Elmo." (From mother of 18 mo old).

"Got a big pumpkin, bring hula hoops."

"I wrecked the drawing [daughter] made for you. Pls pretend cleaning ladies threw it out."

"Boss coughed her way through my lunch w her. My house has termites. But [15 mo old son] slept till 10 am. All in all, breaking even."

"Whole Foods the night before Thanksgiving = amateur hour."

"Dad not coming to take kids to park. Barb's sewer backed up, its in his shower, must wait for plumber."

"If it wouldn't be so hard on your liver and my sanity, I'd have you watch the Bears in Vegas every weekend."

Cheers,
timanddeannegrant at the hotmail

Suz

Holy cow, nearly wet my pants laughing over the "mom, this is Dave, not dad". Thanks for making my Friday much more fun!

Tia G

OMG! These are absolutely hilarious!!!

Tia G

Love reading your posts, Metro Dad. But I also LOVE the comments! You dads are hilarious!

brhau

I don't really care about the giveaway, so I'll submit an excerpt of a txt conversation with my wife, in which we were discussing whether or not I should write a post about the fact that I haven't been posting to my blog:

OH: the poet stanley kunitz claimed he only wrote when inspired.

Me: That's almost true, I suppose.
I'm writing to amuse myself, mostly.
If I have to squeeze it out, I'm not amusing myself.
Unless it's poop, of course.

OH: jeanette winterson wrote that, in "the passion."

Me: Then I HAVE to do it.

OH: not about the poop part, i mean.

Me: I should use that.

OH: she said, "i write so that i will always have something to read."
at least, the narrator said that.

Me: I can quote Sufjan Stevens on the subject.

OH: what did he say?

Me: nothing

Mike

Tom & Jerry's great DVD in the car. The characters don't talk & neither do the kids

Mike

Me: "mom I just had a devastating break up. I'm heart broken." what should I do?
Mom: I'm gonna give you some advice Grammie used to give to me "fuck his best friend"

makfiniasauff

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Lia

How Did You get the record? I relaly want family guy videos in and API but if I have to convert them from CD I mine as well convert them to MP3??????

Hazan

I'm starting to think of books for my book clubs yerlay book list. Would this one be a good discussion book? I know it's a good read because I have heard great things, but what about the themes? Discussion worthy?

Veljko

Hello Fernandito, it was a pleasure metineg you at Steppin Out. I posted your pics on my Facebook page. Keep up the good work! Thanks and Stay Blessed!Sha'Ron

Bia

"It s no longer soalcily unacceptable to listen to Christmas music. It s just overzealous." LOLThe horseradish hummus sounds delish. I never buy anything from the TJs premade case b/c I can make it myself for 1/2 or 1/4th the price but I may break down and get that one Tomatoes. I eat one a day. Yours looks partic delish!And goals love yours. I didnt even know you had a dslr. Now I am the only person in the sphere who doesnt

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Dana Vera Jakandang'o Posted on Dear Sir/Madam,RE:APPLICATION FOR UNDERGRADUATE SCHOLARSHIP.I am Dana Vera Jakandang'o from Kenya and would like to apply for a scholarship for my stduies.I have a certificate in Architecture.I am not able to continue with my education since my late father was the one paying for my education and now he's past tense.I am kindly asking you to consider my case for I would like to continue with higher learning on Architecture.Thanking you in advance.I am yours faithfully Dana Vera Jakandang'o.

Terina

Had a great time with you Peace Walkers and hope to join you again some time. Hope Kai, Rod and Tixo find their RV soon, as it may be a bit cold for a tent as time goes on. You are all in my prayers for your walk, and for peace !Fondly,Anne Benson (Kai's mom)

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My date just laughed and snorted out a booger into his pasta. I'm going to throw up everything from as far down as my bum hole.

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FWD:
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Sent: September 11, 5:32 AM
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(Sent by strangers 12:06 PM)

Then I got a second text from a stranger:

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