The following text missives from my cell phone are all about to get purged so, as usual, I thought I'd jot them down here for posterity. Names and telephone numbers have been withheld to protect the (not-so) innocent.
"The best part about Halloween is giving out packets of ketchup to little kids."
"What's worse? Piercing your newborn's ears or giving her a lower back tattoo?"
"Wife walked in on me doing the robot. It didn't faze her. The thrill is gone."
"Patron tequila with limes doesn't count as a juice cleanse, homeboy."
"Just ate shrimp cocktail, lobster salad, sushi, snow crabs. I'm about to crap The Deadliest Catch."
"Ever walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends 'I''d tap that?'"
"Don't judge Heather Mills until you've hopped a mile in her shoe."
"Best part about working for myself is giving the boss handjobs under the desk."
"Dallas is making me feel very brunette."
"Please say you're kidding about the colonic. Is crapping bib lettuce and spicy lemonade not enough for you?"
"I want to be me when I grow up but with more hair and cars and a better second serve."
"Thinking of starting an Alan Parsons Project cover band. You want in?"
"Can't decide what I like most about this party: all the recently divorced men or the baby lamb chops."
"I live where botox and silicon runneth over but the gustatory landscape is severely lacking."
"My husband is reading Vogue and I'm watching the Detroit Lions game. That answer your question?"
"Everyone here reminds me of mashed potatoes. White and lumpy."
"Remember when we used to to party and go to rap shows? I'm now at the Bryan Ferry concert drinking chardonnay. Where did things go wrong?"
"The only guys who like Coldplay are the ones who want to sleep with girls who like Coldplay."
"Just spent 2 hours on WebMD. Convinced I'm dying. Fare thee well!"
MetroDad GiveAway: Your turn, folks. What's the funniest or most random text message you've received? The reader who submits a comment that makes milk come out my nose wins a brand-new Apple IPod Shuffle. Be sure to leave your e-mail address in the comments.
"There's very big difference between shark week and shart week."
Posted by: GFD | November 07, 2011 at 11:17 AM
Friend's husband: I know you like it thrown over the couch with me from behind
Me: I do not think this was for me
Posted by: Rachel Blaufeld | November 07, 2011 at 12:02 PM
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh Crap, She's up!" Sister Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat u right. Love the ones who don't just because you can. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Kiss slowly. Forgive quickly. God never said life would be easy. He just promised it would be worth it. Today is sister's day. Happy Sister's Day! I LOVE YA SISTA!!! Girlfriends & Sister's Week. I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hair spray I use & the friends I have. To the cool women that have touched my life. Here's to you!! A real sister walks w/u when the rest of the world walks on u.
Posted by: e | November 07, 2011 at 01:21 PM
"She asked me if I brought birth control so I showed her a photo of myself in 8th grade."
Posted by: Seanery | November 07, 2011 at 03:44 PM
"if your wife got a sex change, would you also get a sex change? - ya know, so it's not weird."
Posted by: Mike | November 09, 2011 at 05:19 AM
"Giant pile of Legos on the floor. I've never seen so many adult ass-cracks in one place in my life. Looks like a plumbers' convention."
Posted by: Ollie | November 09, 2011 at 06:32 AM
"As an f you to Paul Watson, I ate whale last night."
"If you can take the baby to a bar, why can't you take the baby to a casino?"
Posted by: Jess | November 09, 2011 at 02:50 PM
"Fml found a tree nut/mini acorn in my pasta and I nommed it T_T then spat it out cause it was hard, prickly & foreign ><"
"I am porajuice.." Dad was attempting to text 'I apologise' lucky my sister proof-read it before he sent it to a client!
"STEVE HOLT \O/"
vxdollface @ gmail.com
Posted by: Vxdollface | November 10, 2011 at 01:18 AM
"I have no idea what Hammertime is. Or how it differs from regular time."
Posted by: elaine | November 10, 2011 at 03:59 PM
Me: "he smelled so bad, I almost gagged".
Friend: "You have no gag reflex whore"
Posted by: helen | November 11, 2011 at 06:42 PM
Very funny stuff! People really text these to you? The only text I get are the ones that say its time to pay my bill.
I always get a laugh when I read your blog.
Thanks!
Posted by: Best Electric Kettle | November 11, 2011 at 09:03 PM
"Today was the kind of day that makes sobriety painful."
Posted by: jackson | November 12, 2011 at 03:21 PM
Are you serious?
These tweets are beyond hilarious!!
Makes me think about "Tweets from last night" or even "Sh*t My Dad Says"...CLASSIC.
"The Deadliest Catch" is uber LOL.
Posted by: Jennifer Kay | November 12, 2011 at 05:04 PM
Thanks for the smiles :)
"vicodin"
Posted by: Kila | November 12, 2011 at 08:40 PM
No idea who Sent me this SMS:
"ok, guys, I guess u all saw on Lisa's Facebook that we are to bring our partners to this weekend swing."
I dared not reply in case I got invited along.
Posted by: Sandra Lee | November 15, 2011 at 09:01 AM
From my daughter: "Our neighbor was arrested. You'll see me on the news. Get over it."
Posted by: Dalee | November 16, 2011 at 11:16 AM
"I just found out that my parents invisable friends are coming over this weekend so they won't take Diego" (Diego is our dog)
Posted by: Dalee | November 16, 2011 at 11:24 AM
My favorite was "Everyone here reminds me of mashed potatoes. White and lumpy." Sounds like my office.
Posted by: Lauren | November 16, 2011 at 04:01 PM
(Friend) "I'm watching YouTube re USA occupying Cherokee Indian lands. Are we?" "Dunno. I only watch Elmo." (From mother of 18 mo old).
"Got a big pumpkin, bring hula hoops."
"I wrecked the drawing [daughter] made for you. Pls pretend cleaning ladies threw it out."
"Boss coughed her way through my lunch w her. My house has termites. But [15 mo old son] slept till 10 am. All in all, breaking even."
"Whole Foods the night before Thanksgiving = amateur hour."
"Dad not coming to take kids to park. Barb's sewer backed up, its in his shower, must wait for plumber."
"If it wouldn't be so hard on your liver and my sanity, I'd have you watch the Bears in Vegas every weekend."
Cheers,
timanddeannegrant at the hotmail
Posted by: Anon | November 16, 2011 at 09:20 PM
Holy cow, nearly wet my pants laughing over the "mom, this is Dave, not dad". Thanks for making my Friday much more fun!
Posted by: Suz | November 18, 2011 at 10:20 AM
OMG! These are absolutely hilarious!!!
Posted by: Tia G | November 26, 2011 at 02:34 AM
Love reading your posts, Metro Dad. But I also LOVE the comments! You dads are hilarious!
Posted by: Tia G | November 27, 2011 at 07:41 PM
I don't really care about the giveaway, so I'll submit an excerpt of a txt conversation with my wife, in which we were discussing whether or not I should write a post about the fact that I haven't been posting to my blog:
OH: the poet stanley kunitz claimed he only wrote when inspired.
Me: That's almost true, I suppose.
I'm writing to amuse myself, mostly.
If I have to squeeze it out, I'm not amusing myself.
Unless it's poop, of course.
OH: jeanette winterson wrote that, in "the passion."
Me: Then I HAVE to do it.
OH: not about the poop part, i mean.
Me: I should use that.
OH: she said, "i write so that i will always have something to read."
at least, the narrator said that.
Me: I can quote Sufjan Stevens on the subject.
OH: what did he say?
Me: nothing
Posted by: brhau | December 03, 2011 at 08:17 PM
Tom & Jerry's great DVD in the car. The characters don't talk & neither do the kids
Posted by: Mike | January 05, 2012 at 12:52 AM
Me: "mom I just had a devastating break up. I'm heart broken." what should I do?
Mom: I'm gonna give you some advice Grammie used to give to me "fuck his best friend"
Posted by: Mike | January 05, 2012 at 12:55 AM
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