The following text missives from my cell phone are all about to get purged so, as usual, I thought I'd jot them down here for posterity. Names and telephone numbers have been withheld to protect the (not-so) innocent.
"The best part about Halloween is giving out packets of ketchup to little kids."
"What's worse? Piercing your newborn's ears or giving her a lower back tattoo?"
"Wife walked in on me doing the robot. It didn't faze her. The thrill is gone."
"Patron tequila with limes doesn't count as a juice cleanse, homeboy."
"Just ate shrimp cocktail, lobster salad, sushi, snow crabs. I'm about to crap The Deadliest Catch."
"Ever walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends 'I''d tap that?'"
"Don't judge Heather Mills until you've hopped a mile in her shoe."
"Best part about working for myself is giving the boss handjobs under the desk."
"Dallas is making me feel very brunette."
"Please say you're kidding about the colonic. Is crapping bib lettuce and spicy lemonade not enough for you?"
"I want to be me when I grow up but with more hair and cars and a better second serve."
"Thinking of starting an Alan Parsons Project cover band. You want in?"
"Can't decide what I like most about this party: all the recently divorced men or the baby lamb chops."
"I live where botox and silicon runneth over but the gustatory landscape is severely lacking."
"My husband is reading Vogue and I'm watching the Detroit Lions game. That answer your question?"
"Everyone here reminds me of mashed potatoes. White and lumpy."
"Remember when we used to to party and go to rap shows? I'm now at the Bryan Ferry concert drinking chardonnay. Where did things go wrong?"
"The only guys who like Coldplay are the ones who want to sleep with girls who like Coldplay."
"Just spent 2 hours on WebMD. Convinced I'm dying. Fare thee well!"
MetroDad GiveAway: Your turn, folks. What's the funniest or most random text message you've received? The reader who submits a comment that makes milk come out my nose wins a brand-new Apple IPod Shuffle. Be sure to leave your e-mail address in the comments.