I have repeatedly refused to chaperone the Peanut’s field trips, even when they were on days I wasn’t particularly busy at work and could easily have done so. The thought of riding in an old school bus with a bunch of screaming second graders holds about as much painstaking appeal to me as teaching my parents how to program their DVR.
Unfortunately, the Peanut’s most recent field trip happened to coincide with her seventh birthday. In the course of asking my lovely daughter what she wanted to do on her "special" day, she looked me dead straight in the eye and said, “I want you to chaperone my class trip.”
Damn, this kid is good.
As far as I can tell, the primary job requirement of a parent chaperone is ensuring that no child gets lost or left behind. Secondary responsibilities include poking straws into milk cartons, breaking up fights, wiping boogers, and fielding questions.
Lots of questions...
"Why do you wear sunglasses indoors?"
Because your pink Hello Kitty sweater is searing my corneas.
"Why are you wearing all black clothes?"
I’m mourning the loss of my childhood.
"What did you bring for lunch?"
Grilled iguana, a couple of corn dogs and a shrimp cocktail.
"What do you do for a living?"
Play drums in a Justin Bieber cover band.
"Where do you live?"
In a van down by the river.
This Guantanamo-style school bus interrogation literally went on for about fifteen minutes and ended only when the little midgets decided that my answers were wholly unsatisfactory. Suddenly, they turned their backs to me and yelled out to my daughter, “Hey Peanut, how come your dad is so weird?”
To which my daughter yelled back, “He’s not weird. He’s just goofy.”
Sarcasm is lost on the young.
To add insult to injury, the field trip was to see an experimental dance troupe. Had I known this beforehand, I would have faked my own death. Don't get me wrong. I am all for supporting the arts but spending two hours watching dancers reenact the anguished pain of a butterfly via interpretive movement is more than a man can bear.
In all honesty, I was hoping to catch a quick nap during the performance. Here's what I did instead:
(1) Smack three boys in the back of the head for talking loudly.
(2) Comfort a crying girl being mercilessly teased by two mean girls.
(3) Enact revenge on the mean girls by telling them that they were ugly.
(4) Learn the latest incarnations of the time-honored clapping game, Miss Mary Mack.
(5) Realize my shortcomings as a chaperone, leave the theater, and smoke a cigarette.
Apparently, the school has plenty of eager-beaver moms who are more than willing to volunteer for these trips so I'm fairly certain that my inaugural chaperone experience may have been my last.
Maybe I'll join the PTA instead.
Or maybe I'll do what a buddy's dad used to do whenever he was asked to volunteer for anything. He'd immediately whip out his checkbook and say, "Ok, whom do I have to write the check to make sure that I never even get asked to volunteer for anything again?"
Of course, this was the same father who once said to my friend, "I didn't even talk to you until you were three years old. Why? Because you had nothing interesting to say."
Pure genius.
Humble thanks to the folks over at Babble for naming me as one of the Top 50 Dad Blogs and also the Best Written. When I first started this site, there were very few men writing about their experiences as fathers. It warms the cockles of my soul that there are now enough to actually compile a list. I hadn't heard of many of these sites before so I'm eager to check them out. You should too.
Last time I chaperoned a class trip, I tripped on kid's skateboard and was in a cast for 2 months. I took that as a sign from God.
Posted by: Jeffrey K | October 28, 2011 at 11:52 AM
Try getting harangued into coaching a little league baseball team despite having no intention of ever coaching a little league baseball team.
I feel your pain.
(Congrats on the Babble thing.)
Posted by: Daddy Scratches | October 28, 2011 at 12:39 PM
The more I see how annoying my (and other people's) kids are in their various stages, i.e., Terrorist Toddler, Sarcastic Second Grader, Fatalistic Fifth Grader, etc., the more amazed and thankful I am that my parents did not take me out into the middle of Central Park and leave me there to be raised by squirrels.
Posted by: jjdaddyo | October 28, 2011 at 12:53 PM
LMAO! I chaperoned a 1st grade field trip to the LA Zoo last year, and my group of 5 kids (including my own) totally conspired against me! All of a sudden, they bolted down the hill at top speed and separated into two groups at a fork in the road. I couldn't believe I would be the a-hole nitwit who lost their kids. I did find them after a few minutes of huffing and puffing, and let me tell ya, reminding a group of 1st graders about "Who is in charge? I AM!" shows how not-in-charge one really is.
Posted by: Julie Kang | October 28, 2011 at 01:09 PM
Sweet Jesus field trips, ugh. I occasionally volunteer at my son's school with math or writing help or something, but it will be a cold day in hell before I go on a field trip. I have no idea why so many parents want to go on those things. To me, hell = managing and supervising other people's children. Just one of the many reasons I'm not a teacher.
Adding in the experimental dance troupe feature just makes it the 9th level of hell. As a character once said "I support the arts, I just don't want to have to see them."
Posted by: Maggie | October 28, 2011 at 01:20 PM
Good grief, next time you sign up to chaperon a field trip, I can just shoot you in the kneecap and trust me you will like it more than the field trip. Field trip with second graders to an interpretive dance show? I bet it can be used as an effective form of torture.
Posted by: lolismum | October 28, 2011 at 03:05 PM
I failed the cardinal rule of being a chaperone; I lost a kid. One second he was there, the next he was gone. Fifteen minutes of heart-wrenching panic and we found the kid hiding under a bench in the zoo. He was TRYING to get lost.
Last time I ever even thought about chaperoning a trip.
Posted by: Melanie | October 28, 2011 at 03:46 PM
Two posts in one week? I could get used to this!
Posted by: Gina | October 28, 2011 at 05:20 PM
'(3) Enact revenge on the mean girls by telling them that they were ugly'
Laughed so much when I read that! So glad you will be posting more!:)
Posted by: Rhi | October 28, 2011 at 05:46 PM
I have yet to participate in such an excursion and hope that I never will.
And as for the whipping out the checkbook? That's also how I've responded to any request to help a friend move for the past 10 years.
Posted by: the muskrat | October 28, 2011 at 07:33 PM
This post made my day! Hilarious! I'm a school nurse for a class of special education kids (K-6) and we are so glad we don't do field trips.
Today I got yogurt all over me, to think if that was experienced outdoors for everyone to see. That would be horrible.
Kudos to you for making it the whole trip. I hope Peanut enjoyed her gift. Very happy to see that Babble recognized your blog.
Happy Birthday to Peanut!
Posted by: Leannekoh | October 28, 2011 at 07:34 PM
Thanks for putting that song back in my head! My kids sang it incessantly the other day. Happy Birthday to Peanut!
Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack...
Posted by: Chelle | October 28, 2011 at 07:57 PM
Somehow, I don't see you signing up for any more field trips unless you get to go to a winery. Even then, I think the kids should take something to calm them down before they are let loose. Congrats on surviving!
Posted by: Nancy | October 28, 2011 at 08:25 PM
The only time I've ever contemplated suicide was when I had to explain to my mother over the phone how to program her tivo. Thought I was going to have a brain aneurysm. Haven't done a class trip yet though. Thanks for the heads up.
Posted by: CW | October 28, 2011 at 09:55 PM
I feel for you, man. I have not had the pleasure of chaperoning any of my kids' fiend...er, field trips.
As G.I. Joe says, "Knowing is half the battle." So I'll brace myself for those kids of gigs in the future.
Posted by: Carlo | October 28, 2011 at 11:06 PM
Top 50? You're the first and only dad blogger in my book, MD. Great post. Glad to see you writing more again. It always makes my day to see that you in my google reader.
Posted by: Teresa | October 29, 2011 at 12:03 AM
Awesome to see TWO new posts in one month.
can't wait to see what you guys did for Halloween. Really set the bar high with 'underage Chinese gymnast'
Posted by: Irrelevant | October 30, 2011 at 12:48 AM
"...mourning the loss of my childhood!" Love that! I hope you really said it to them!
Field trips are my least favorite too... and I am a mom!
Posted by: brownaround | October 30, 2011 at 07:08 PM
Huge crush...
Posted by: Olivia | October 30, 2011 at 11:13 PM
My 3.5 yr old prevents me from signing up to be a parent volunteer. Apparently there was a lot of crazy action at the end of the school year when 80 kids and 16 kamikaze parents went to the local amusement park... Congrats on Babble! You are the only Dad blog I read regularly!
Posted by: Amy | October 31, 2011 at 12:22 AM
My daughter is 13 now but this post reminds me of the time when I had to take one for the team and chaperone the kids to a puppet show...not sure which group was more hellish to deal with, the kids or the other chaperones. Glad those days are behind me.
Posted by: VGriffing | October 31, 2011 at 03:12 AM
It had never occurred to me until now, but I bet somebody has set up a Justin Bieber covers band somewhere in the world... maybe even more than one.
What a horrifying thought!
Posted by: Henry Elliss | October 31, 2011 at 07:50 AM
I would have paid money to watch you chaperone a bunch of second graders on a class trip. I did it a few years ago and still have nightmares about the experience.
Posted by: Jake | October 31, 2011 at 10:52 AM
Fairly certain they don't have milk cartons any more. Oh yes, there are dad blogs I was at an event last week and cornered by gaydadblog or something like that. As for the field trip just be happy you weren't assigned the carsick child or the asthmatic, I specialize in being assigned this type of stress-inducing monster.
Posted by: Lauren | October 31, 2011 at 11:37 AM
I'm a closet smoker. A stolen cigarette outside the theater would have refortified me. You're a good dad. :)
Posted by: Chrisy | October 31, 2011 at 11:50 AM
You are so funny! I actually enjoy chaperoning my child's field trips but don't usually get a chance because of work. I love fielding crazy, intrusive questions from strangers' kids.
Posted by: Maureen | October 31, 2011 at 02:08 PM
I sometimes feel guilty because, as a working mom, I'm never able to chaperone class trips. Then I hear stories like yours and I remember how glad I am that I never have to. Thanks for cheering me up, MD!
Posted by: Linda | October 31, 2011 at 03:42 PM
Wait until Peanut is in HS and maybe plays an instrument...then does Marching Band wherein they require 2 parents per 15 on the bus...you ride on the one Peanut is not on and you bring a shitload of cool candy...enough for each kid... Blow pops, dum-dums or the halloween size stuff...When competing is over, you get to be cool because you gave 'em candy and a few bucks to the kid who forgot his dinner money...and know a cool song or two...BAM- You are an instant teen fave. Who said you couldn't bribe them to be easy and well-behaved? They'll love them some "MetroD" just like the kids love them some "Mama A." Love your stuff and I totally didn't volunteer--much.
Posted by: DefendUSA | November 01, 2011 at 03:26 PM
It's a good thing I've never been subjected to taking kids anywhere fieldtrippy. In Japan I could keep their interest with the offer of anything out of the ordinary -- candy, stickers, a recitation of Fox in Socks really fast, or just letting them touch my hair. Take them out of their seats, however, and I'd have had to zip-tie their wrists together. You're a survivor, man.
Posted by: Xibee | November 02, 2011 at 07:45 PM
I read this blog really its very interesting nice blog.thanks a lot.
Posted by: funny posts | November 03, 2011 at 08:09 AM
Too funny, MD.
Posted by: Ryan | November 03, 2011 at 11:24 AM
I am usually asked to chaperone field trips because my son in "energetic". I also get stuck with all the other energetic boys. Obviously the school thinks I am made of steel. I just chaperoned a field trip where we took a public bus! I think that hell trumps your interpretive dance.
Posted by: the weirdgirl | November 05, 2011 at 08:23 PM
I am a mom that feels the way you do about class trips. I'd rather twist a broken bottle in my ear. But then...anything for my kid so I recently chaperoned my son's class to a wildlife preserve. Imagine my dismay when not only did I have to herd the kids and tell them to keep their hands to themselves, I had to TEACH THE LESSON!!
Posted by: Grace | November 12, 2011 at 10:43 AM
Aww, so glad you went. I bet she loved having you along. I've been on many field trips with my boys to help chaperone and get to know their teachers and classmates better.
Posted by: Kila | November 12, 2011 at 08:34 PM
I absolutely LOVE your posts, MetroDad!
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