Dear Andy

Dear Andy,

It's 7:30 in the morning and I'm staring out the window of a hotel room in Stamford, Connecticut. As I gaze out across the Long Island Sound, I can't help but be struck by how beautifully clear and sunny the sky is today. It's so strangely similar to that day ten years ago when we lost you, it almost sends shivers down my spine. 

Ten years.

Kyle and I had drinks with your sister recently and we were talking about the passage of time. Susan was saying how hard it was to believe that it's been ten long years since she heard your voice, ten long years since she listened to your laugh, and ten long years since she saw your face. Would none of that really never happen again?

For me, I don't know what to think. When it comes to you, time has lost any sort of meaning. Sometimes, I feel as if 9/11 occured just yesterday. Other times, it feels like a lifetime ago.

All I really know is what I feel...and what I miss.

I miss walking into my office every morning and knowing that you were going to call at any moment. My mornings are lonelier for it.

I miss those evenings when we'd be out with a group of people but whenever you'd see me leaving, you'd make sure to give me a hug and say, "I love you, brother. Talk to you tomorrow."

I miss those late-night conversations out at the beach where we'd just grab a few beers, sit out on the deck, talk about life, and laugh about the absurdity of it all.

I miss our Monday night Chinese-food-and-a-movie adventures. It was one of my fondest weekly rituals. I don't think we've done it since you've been gone. It could never be the same without you.

God, has it really been ten years?

Collectively as a nation, there seems to be a sense of amnesia about 9/11. People want to remember the event but, at the same time, they want to get past that lingering sense of loss. It happens less in New York but you can feel it.

I get it. Bad things happen. Darkness descends. And putting personal tragedies behind us in order to move forward is an intrinsic part of life.

But how do you hold on to the things that are truly transecendentally important? How do you remember the parts of a person that that are also a part of you? What does it mean to get over the loss of a loved one?

As the writer Haruki Murakami once said, "no matter how much suffering you went through, you never want to let go of those memories."

Sometimes it saddens me that those memories are slipping away.

But ten years on, I do know that whenever I’m feeling alone in a room, the person I still always hope to see is you. Because I want to tell you about this amazing song that you'd love or about a hilarious movie that we need to see. I want to hear that infectious laugh that always cheered up my day. I want to skip work, grab a few beers and throw footballs in Central Park all day. Or I want to spontaneously jump on a plane to Miami with our best friends for one of those amazing long weekends in Miami where we'd laugh so hard that tears would be streaming down our faces.

Speaking of our friends (whom you always lovingly referred to as "la famiglia"), you'd still laugh your ass off if you saw us now. Life may change but somehow it still remains the same. We're a little older and a little grayer but, at the end of the day, we're still that same old bunch of silly misfits. As a group, we don't see each other nearly as much as we should. Maybe it's because we're all getting older and are busy with our own lives. But really, I think we all know it's because you were always the glue that held us all together.

We all miss you, Andy. You're still very much a part of our lives. We think about you all the time and we miss you as much today as when we first lost you. We can be anywhere in the world and one of us will quietly raise a glass and simply say, "To GoGo." Without fail, tears will always come to our eyes as we take a moment to remember how much we miss and love you.

Tonight we'll have dinner with your family, drink too much wine, and tell our favorite stories about you. We'll focus less on the loss and more on the joy that you brought into our lives. We'll mask grief with mirth. We'll trade bitterness for optimism. And as always, we'll take comfort in the tragedy of this day by being with our loved ones.

The only thing missing will be you.

I miss you, brother. I miss you a lot. May you always rest in peace.

Love,

Your friend Pierre

 

 

Andrew Golkin, 1970-2001

Comments

[ParentopiaDevra]

As I have done each year since I've known you, I will be making a donation to http://www.seo-usa.org/andrewgolkinfund/index.html in memory of Andy and the others lost that day, and this year I'm adding it also be in honor of my friendship with you.
Love to you, Pierre.

[Molly]

Reading your letter to Andy has become as much a part of my 9/11 as anything else that I do. Peace to you and to Andy's other friends and family.

[MetroDude]

God Bless you, Kyle and Andy's family on this trying day. We always think of you on the anniversary, and we send you all our love.

[Julie Guerin]

I also come to your site each year to read your poignant letter to Andy. As I sit here in South Louisiana, thousands of miles from New York, my heart is heavy and it hurts to watch the footage of this event. I have not forgotten....God Bless you!

[Clark Kent's Lunchbox]

The rippling effects of this day and the number of people it directly impacted floors me, especially when put into context by tragic stories like this. I'm very sorry for Andy and for those who now have a void where he once existed beyond only a memory.

[bigWOWO]

Bless you, Pierre, and your love for your friend Andy. I too have been following your posts to him for a long time. Take care on this day of remembrance.

[Sara]

Thank you for writing this letter to Andy and sharing it. Like Molly, reading your letters has become part of my tradition to remember those that we loss. May God comfort you and Andy's family.

[Sara in SD]

Thinking of you on the anniversary of such a day of sadness and tragedy. As I was reading the local paper this morning, it struck me that I needed to go and read your letter to your friend Andy. We moved away from NYC in 2004 but my a part of my heart is still there, today and everyday.

[JYN]

This was the first year I had my kids (toddlers and infant in 2001) watch footage of what happened. We will never forget.

[Shaynee]

If an individual's existence is in part measured by the friends that person inspires and keeps, Andrew's was rich beyond words. I am so sorry for your loss, and those of thousands of others.

Shaynee

[Wendy Starland]

I will always remember you as the vibrant, authentic, loving person that you were. I'll always think of the joy and kindness you brought to my life. We all miss you terribly.

Wendy

[Karen from Chookooloonks]

Beautiful thoughts, Pierre. And I'm going to make it a habit of telling my friends I love them. I don't. Now I will.

[Eliza]

I've mostly avoided the media today, but I came here hoping you'd have another letter to your friend. It is the personal stories, not the nation-wide remembrance that means the most to me. Even though I don't know you or Andy.

[the muskrat]

I didn't watch any TV or read any blogs today, but I wanted to read your annual post before going to bed. Know why? Because your posts today are heart-felt and free of bravado.

For me, 9/11 will always be
1) my wife's birthday,
2) the day my blogging friend, Pierre, lost his good friend, and
3) the impetus for 3 deployments I didn't want.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Eunice]

thank you for your annual post, Pierre. I hope this tragedy will never happen to any of us again.

[Pallavi]

Every year, MD, every year... even after a decade, you find beautiful words to convey your feelings for a friend who's no longer in this world. Wherever he is now, I hope he knows that he is loved and cherished so much! God bless you all.

[DegeSMS]

very nice post.

[Chelle]

I thought about you and your friend Andy yesterday as I watched the memorial coverage yesterday. I tried to explain to my daughter (who's 7) about what it was like that day. But I realized I don't know what it was like, because I'm here, not in NY.

I'm always so glad to see you working hard to remember, instead of working hard to forget. I hope I can do justice to people like Andy when I talk to my girl about 9/11.

Take care, Pierre.

[Football news]

.......Bless you, Pierre, and your love for your friend Andy ..........

[Jane K.]

It must be nice to have such a close-knit group of friends. I'm sure Andy is watching over all of you. Beautiful tribute, Pierre.

[Jocelyn]

As an RCS alumna (class of '90), I will always remember Andy in his varsity football uniform, his blue eyes shining so brightly against the maroon shirt. When I heard of his loss 10 yrs ago, I thought, "I'll never see those blue eyes sparkle again," and it made my heart sad. I wish you and Andy's family peace as you continue on your life journey without him.

[Emily]

A friend of mine recommended this link to me via FB yesterday and I've spent pretty much the past 24 hours reading your entire archives. I love your writing. You should write a book!

[renee]

Being on the opposite coast, 9/11 never felt quite real to me. Your letters to Andy brings it home. I cry every year.

[Mom101]

I thought of you this week, and how you always write the most beautiful tributes to him every year. I never knew him but I feel like I know your relationship and how special it was.

He'd be so honored, Pierre. We should all be so lucky to have friends like you.

[Patite]

Your letters to Andy have always made me cry, and this year's was no exception. I always think of you and Andy and his family and friends on the anniversary. It's good to know that while we move on, we do our best to not forget. God bless.

[Victoria Brown]

Your post every Sept 11 fills me with tears. I am sorry for your loss and thank you for reminding me that true friendships like yours and Andy exist. I believe you will meet Andy again and will laugh and speak with him like old times.

[LA Daddy]

Nicely done. Sorry for your loss.

[Linda Vermeulen]

I've been reading you long enough that I knew who you were talking to when I opened up my reader.

Damn.

Still gets me.

[DefendUSA]

Damn it...I missed it. I tried to remember to come here and read your post about Andy. As it has been in the past- a superb remembrance.
I was driving for 24 hours that weekend. I counted how many overpasses in twelve hours (one way) had a flag or a remembrance. One. OH remembered. It said "Never Forgotten!"

Satellite's E-street channel played The Rising album-- which is a superb collection of songs regarding that day. And it was observed in Michigan's Big House with half-staff flags and patriotic songs.

I had a moment of silence for each of the towers collapses as I drove home to NC. I carried my piece of American flag fabric that has been in my car since 09-11-01 circa 9:31am am with me on the dash of the rental.

For you, and Andy, and all the others, I won't forget.

[Pakistani Lawn Collection]

It’s a simple but inspiring blog. I learn a lot from it. The main thing is simplicity and purity in these places. Thanks for sharing with us..