CHAOS THEORY: July 2011

Once again, almost two months have passed and I've completely forgotten that I even have a blog. Mea culpa. As Samuel Taylor Coleridge once said, "summer has set in with its usual severity."

So far, Summer 2011 has been going great. After a few rough summers, I feel like I've got my sea legs back and am ready to embrace what has always been my most cherished season. For me, summer is not just a season but rather a state of mind. Bring it on, yo.

As I type this, I’m sitting outside the Doctor’s beach house, where he and I are taking turns throwing the kids into the pool and listening to them squeal hysterically with delight. The picnic table is piled abundantly high with bottles of Rose, pitchers of homemade lemonade, lobster salad, farmhouse guacamole, and fresh vegetables from the garden. The faint smells of coconut suntan lotion and flowers permeate the air.

Have I mentioned how much I love summer?

TIPS ON BEING A GREAT HOUSEGUEST

The Peanut and I have always been lucky when it comes to the generosity of our friends; and while it’s always nice to be invited for a single weekend, here are a few of our personal tips for ensuring multiple future invitations.

(1) BRING GIFTS….I always like to give towels monogrammed with my initials. That way, the hosts will never forget me and I feel like part of their home. Win, win!

(2) BE USEFUL AND EMPATHETIC….Do the things that your hosts really want to do but are prevented from doing by decorum. Buy that bottle of Jagermeister. Slip the kids some Benadryl. Take a dump late at night in the neighbor’s pool.  

(3) MAKE THE WEEKEND MEMORABLE...Draw an outline of the Virgin Mary in a container of hummus and alert the local media. Your hosts will love telling this story for years. Trust me.

 

OMAKASE

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how to downsize the scale and scope of my lifestyle.  

Moving into a smaller apartment and shedding myself of so many material possessions was unexpectedly cathartic. I realized that very few objects I owned held any emotional value for me. Somewhere along the line, I’d crossed over and reached a point where the things I owned ended up owning me.

Like so many others before me, I had become a slave to the Ikea nesting instinct. It’s a vicious cycle. One moment, you’re spending $250 on some bathroom candles. Next you’re blowing $8,000 on a dining table. Pretty soon, dropping $100k on a car doesn’t sound so unreasonable. Unless one makes a conscious decision to end the cycle, where and when does it end?

I have no wish to be poor but, at the same time, I have no desire to be rich.  Whereas over the course of my life, I’ve been both, I’ve come to realize that neither status has ever played much of a role in my overall life’s satisfaction or general happiness.

So aside from the basic ability to support myself and my daughter in Manhattan, I’m starting to think that when it comes to my financial ambitions, I desire only enough money to be able to travel several times each year, to never have to think about purchasing books or clothes, and most importantly, to be able to buy sushi dinners for my friends wherever and whenever I please.

Hey, I know it’s not Walden Pond but I think it’s a step down the right path.

 

RANDOM TEXT MESSAGES FROM MY FRIENDS, Vol. 6

The following text missives from my eclectic group of friends are all about to get purged so, as usual, I thought I'd jot them down here for posterity:

“Every time I hear Debbie and her Australian accent, I want to go eat at Outback.”

“Baby just exploded diarrhea all over me. Dog is licking it up. Think I'm going to vomit. Go ahead and start dinner without me. I’m gonna be awhile.” 

“Let’s just say that the last guy to cook for me twice in one day was probably Colonel Sanders.”

“The worst side-effect of gender equality is the couples baby shower.”

“How many calories are burned eating a lobster roll? I’m asking for the lobster.”

“In honor of the Puerto Rican Day Parade, I’m sexually harassing my wife right now and spraying the kids with shaving cream.”

“Who do you think would win in a fight? Cher or Lady Gaga?”

“Just for the record, I wasn’t staring at her ass. I was staring WITH her ass.”

“You’re my favorite minority friend but if I ever meet a black man who drives an old Cadillac, you’re fired.”

“My favorite is when there are no boobs and then all of sudden, boobs!”

 

SING THE SONG SOUNDS LIKE HE READS IT

When life’s myriad complexities start weighing heavily on me, one of my favorite means of decompression is to grab a stool at a mellow neighborhood bar or restaurant armed solely with a good jukebox, a good cocktail and a good book.

I always empathize with my female friends who tell me that they’d love to do this as well but can’t because apparently there’s something about being female and alone in a bar that makes everyone assume that she’s desperate for conversation, so people like to interrupt her (“Hey, whatcha reading?”) and if she doesn’t smile and answer politely, they think to themselves “bitch!”

As a man walking into a bar alone with a book, I’d like to think that people find me dashing and intellectual but I’ll settle for nerdy and weird. Either way, I never get bothered.

But being an over-thinking literary geek, I’ve invented a personal game for myself where I try to match up the right bar with the right meal, drink, soundtrack, and author.

For example…

Local Irish bar, bacon cheeseburger, shot of whiskey, Bruce Springsteen, Raymond Carver.

Outdoor café, grilled cheese sandwich, glass of rose, Bradenburg concertos, Shakespeare.

Sushi restaurant, salmon skin avocado hand roll, sake, Arcade Fire, Haruki Murakami.

I’m the only nerd who does this, aren’t I?

Seriously, go ahead and give it a try.

 

PHILOSOPHER JIM CAREY

I was randomly surfing the internet late at night during a recent bout of insomnia and somehow found myself reading a recap of an old CNN interview between Larry King and his guest Jim Carrey.

I had never really known anything about Jim Carrey before except that he is, of course, Jim Carrey. As it turns out, he seems like a very pensive and thoughtful guy. As he related stories of growing up poor, living in his car, battling depression and suffering hardship, he says:

“I just got to the point where I realized the only way to look at life is to believe that everything that ever happens to you, is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

Maybe it was the insomnia. Maybe it was reading about all the sadness in his life. All I know is that I was surprised that a Jim Carey quote could have such a profound effect on me. My own personal philosophy leans toward the belief that when life throws roadblocks in your way, you’ve got to remove the negativity and create a mindset that allows you to proactively enact change. Jim Carey’s philosophy seems like a sturdier and more succinct version of my own. I think it’s a useful tool for looking at life.

I know. Jim Carrey, right? Who would have ever thought it?

Next beers on me, Ace Ventura.

 

SING THE SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE SINGS IT

My daughter amazes the shit out of me.

In her first six years on this planet, she’s witnessed her grandfather painfully succumb to cancer. She’s seen her parents split up and divorce. She’s attended three different schools in three years. She’s had major eye surgery. And she’s moved out of the only home she’d ever known.

Yet, she’s turned into a really cool, smart, funny, sensitive, caring and polite kid.

So, as a special treat, I got us a pair of third-row tickets to the Glee concert. It was her first “big girl” concert and the two of us could not have been more excited.

There are a million words I could write about seeing the world through your daughter’s eyes. Or the pure joy that comes from seeing her so happy. Or the sense of wonderment at seeing one's child grow before your very eyes.

But if a picture says a thousand words...

Hope your summer is filled with lots of fun, sun, love and lobsters. Cheers!

 

Comments

[Leanne Koh]

I could see you and Peanut singing along to Glee at the top of your lungs! The memories are precious.

When I first heard about Jim Carrey and his past I was amazed.

His dad worked as a janitor all his life. When he passed away, Jim wrote a check for, I think, $1 million dollars and put it in his father's casket.

Then he did his first movie and exceeded that amount.

I know I'm missing parts of that story, but I thought that was a great testament to his true character.

[Jennifer G]

I love the way you write. Thanks for the entertaining read, MD.

[MetroDude]

Looking forward to lobster rolls at your local haunt with you and Mrs. MetroDude in August. Great post.

[Sohnsaengnim]

Embracing Taoism now, I see.

[Isabelle F.]

You and the Peanut can be our houseguests anytime!

[whoorl]

Happy Summer, Pierre.

p.s. - California is ready and waiting for you, buddy! Get yer ass out here.

[jjdaddyo]

Hey, we need some towels, come on down to Savannah! However, since you're not accustomed to 100 degrees and 100% humidity, you may want to wait until fall.

[Janie]

Nothing makes me happier than seeing you've written something new. I practically squeal when I see a new MD post pop up in my RSS reader!

[arthur]

jim carrey was recently mentioned in some blog posts for an off-topic interview discussion that ended up on the topic of 'Goodfellas'. i like to imagine that this is what let you to the Larry King bit.

[jjdaddybabymomma]

Miss you and your writing!

[Geek in Heels]

You've kept us waiting 2 months for a new post but it was certainly worth the wait. Hope you and Peanut have a happy Fourth and a joyous summer!

[JJ]

C'mon. Will you PLEASE write a book? I can't believe how much I always look forward to your posts. Have a great summer, Pierre.

[Grandmother]

I didn't know you were Catholic?

The Peanut is so beautiful, have a great 4th.

[Bonnie]

The quote from Jim Carey, as well as your own, came at the perfect time for me. Thank you, Pierre. Your posts are a godsend and I get giddy each time I realize you've posted a new read!

[Lucia]

Funny, thought provoking, insightful, and touching. All in one post. This is why you're one of my favorite writers. Thanks, MD! Write more please.

[SFD]

Welcome back. See you later.

[oldman]

Love reading your work.

I got a five year old so i read your postings to prepare for what is coming up next. The posting about the racial issues was especially helpful. Didn't expect her to encounter that so early at the age of five but wasn't shocked when it happened since I read it here first. Sadly, my little one thought the older kids where playing with her, not making fun of her.

Keep posting stuff.

[Kady]

You're the only person that's ever been able to make me miss NYC.

[The Muskrat]

Glad you're living your summer instead of writing about it (even though I like frequent posts as much as the next reader)!

Oh, and back when I traveled more, I used to love going to bars or restaurants with bars in them to drink and read instead of sitting alone in a hotel room to do the same. Now, I feel selfish leaving the family for "me time" like that, but I probably need it.

[Hong Kong]

Feels like all is right with the world again. Great post!

[Cindy]

I love the bar, restaurant, food, alcohol, music, and book pairing game. Can't wait to try it out. Thanks!

[iamfathead]

Good Stuff! As a 27 yr old single Korean dude, reading your blog actually makes me more excited about becoming a dad than getting married.

Btw, I usually don't capitalize anything unless it's for work, but I didn't want to get scolded.

[Chopperpapa]

You are well on the right path. Living where you do in arguably the materialism capital of the world seeing 'stuff' for just that, stuff, is very admirable.

[Issa]

if you're a woman and want to read out and about it has to be at Starbucks. I'm not sure why, but it's the only place I don't get asked stupid shit. Maybe people are afraid of the overly caffeinated?

[Chunky]

Bernie macs autobiography totally had the same effect on me. Comedians are deeper than they appear. Keep blogging we miss you!

[Linda Vermeulen]

I get the book/food thing. Have you read Epitaph For A Peach (MasMasumoto?) Most beautiful reading about the Central Valley of California!

Your posts are always great. The picture of your lil gal is adorable. Keep writing please.

~the former Ms.V.

[HD]

Great read sir...Hope you continue with the post

[Jamie O.]

You're totally my internet blog crush!

[Amy K.]

Thanks for a great post! And your daughter is beautiful!

[Andy]

article that appeared good enough to be read so that adds to knowledge when reading

[tys]

peanut!!!!

shes delightful...

the monogrammed towels are a great idea...iam gonna steal that..hmmm...now to make some friends..

[nonlineargirl]

You forgot the part of your post where you recommend something for me to read on the plane tomorrow. Help a brother out.

[Vivian - vxdollface]

I love the way you write :) That bar, food, book deal sounds like a pretty sweet idea to me. Peanut is so adorable!

[K.Tran]

Hi.. long time reader, first time commentator/commentor/person who posts a comment/posting a comment..

I really enjoyed the Jim Carrey quote, and you own personal philosophy on life..
Reminds me of a latin phrase Amor Fati, which means to love fate or to love one's fate.
It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good. Moreover, it is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life.

Amor Fati mate!

[Andy]

Your article is very good fit to be read because it adds new value to me

[John Cardero]

I love your column, my kids love your column and my wife loves your column. Thanks for the chaos.

[365daysoftwins]

Perusing dad blogs tonight, found yours, I'm a-bookmarkin' it.

I'm sorry to say that I disagree with you on one point; I've been stealing towels for years when I stay with friends. Even moreso if they are monogrammed with the guests' initials.

I have so few friends these days...

[Change Rules F1]

Never thought Jim Carey could be this inspirational, but I see the root of it all. Depression gets you to places.

[Mamapumpkin]

That's a lot of shit for a 6 year old but way to go, Peanut!!!! She obviously had cool parents to ride the turbulence with & has the most important ingredient in her life - ABUNDANCE OF LOVE!!!

[Crossfit]

I love what your last line in your post " Hope your summer is filled with lots of fun, sun, love and lobsters. Cheers! ". Her smile is really pure and you can see that she really enjoy that day.

[Nancy D]

Just another example of why you're one of my favorite writers. Thanks for the latest post, MD. Hope you're having a great summer!

[Anticipatingdad]

Sounds like we're similar house guests.. My general rule when visiting any friend is: Be Generous, Be Thankful/Appreciative, and Be Different. It makes for a fun time and like you said those memorable moments people talk about for years are always a bonus.

Much like the Dos Equis man, someone must be that larger than life character of any occasion.

[Jane K.]

Love you.

[Daddy Scratches]

New reader. Thanks for stopping by my place and saying "Hey." I appreciate it.

Really enjoyed this post. I'll be back.

And I hear you about the six-year-old-daughter thing; took mine to see the "Winnie the Pooh" movie this weekend, followed by lunch at a grubby diner. She said it was the "most funnest day of [her] life."

[Xibee]

AH there you are.... loved your tweets on the Glee concert with the Peanut as well as what's written here (::snicker:: little underage gymnast).

I will say: There is only one way to repel advances as a woman sitting in a cafe or bar: Do not read; write. They will ALLLL STEAR CLEAR..... they seem to presume you're a psychofemme at that point.

So: Basement coffeehouse; Cheeses/Crackers, Iced chocolate; Cocteau Twins; Me.

(Also: Now I'm intrigued; going to dig up stuff on Jim Carey). Thank you!!

[susnot]

:) i missed reading your blog while adjusting to the world of parenthood. but thankfully you haven't written much so i'm all caught up! (that having been said, quality is always better than quantity.)

i totally want to try the book/eating thing. i currently do a movie/eating thing myself.

and thanks for the quotes from your texts/jim carey. i never realized how deep he was. but he's right. and my favorite one out of all of those text quotes was the baby shower one. because my hubby was super against being present at my baby shower. haha. so i spared him.

[The Mad Momma]

This was a great post. And I may not comment very often, but heck, yes, you're still my blog crush. So write once in 2 months if you must, but please don't stop.

The Peanut is a lucky girl. She's been through a lot but she has two great parents and doesn't that make up for everything else?

[Bonnie]

MetroDad, COME BACK!!!

[Amac Keylogger]

First time reading your work, i am impressed with your plain but delightful words and your special writing style. Love it. I will continue to focus on your writing.

[discount jerseys]

The Peanut and I have always been lucky when it comes to the generosity of our friends; and while it’s always nice to be invited for a single weekend, here are a few of our personal tips for ensuring multiple future invitations.