HOUSE RULES: My House, My Rules

One of my favorite bars in New York is a secret.

It has no telephone number. No windows. No signage. And the address on the front door is conveniently wrong. The bar's owner just wanted to open a tiny, intimate space where friends could come for quiet conversation and exceptionally well-made cocktails.

Framed discreetly inside the dimly-lit bar is a subtle sign dictating the rules of the house.

1. No name-dropping.
2. No hooting, hollering, shouting or other loud behaviour.
3. No fighting, play fighting, no talking about fighting.
4. Gentlemen will remove their hats. Hooks are provided.
5. Gentlemen will not introduce themselves to ladies.
   Ladies, feel free to start a conversation or ask the bartender to introduce you. If a man you don't know speaks to you, please lift your chin slightly and ignore him.
6. Do not linger outside the front door.
7. Do not bring anyone unless you would leave that person alone in your home. You are responsible for the behaviour of your guests.
8. Exit the bar briskly and silently. 

What I love about these rules is that they don't just outline a set of house policies. They convey a form of tolerance and politeness that seem to be lacking in society today.

The only rule I might add is "If you must talk about the Yankees, please feel free to do so. At home."

I often think about rules when it comes to parenting. Growing up, I didn't have very many rules. That's not to say that my immigrant parents weren't very strict. Hell, they were the original Tiger parents and they reigned over me and my brother with an iron fist.

But aside from the fact that I was a pretty good kid, they didn't really lay down a large set of rules.

I think the only three I ever had were no reading after bedtime, no piercings and no swearing.

Ironically, I got my ear pierced right after they told me that rule. I now stay up until 2:00 am every night reading. And I don't think it's a secret to you guys that I curse like a fucking truck driver.

My daughter is 6 years old and I realize that I have a million rules for her already.

Why do I have so many rules?

Partly because if she had her way, she'd drop out of first grade, watch TV all day, and subsist solely on burnt ends and ice cream. But it's also partly for my own protection because the Peanut is constantly trying to work me over like a piñata.

For example, this is the first year she's had homework and it's like she's allergic to it. The first week of school, we sat down together and while I read the paper, I told her she had to do all of her homework. Literally every 30 seconds, she'd stop and say something ridiculously absurd:

"Hey daddy, put on some music. I think this would be a really good time for a dance party."

"This would be a lot easier if I had some ice cream."

"You just do the first part and I'll take it from there."

The first 5 minutes of doing homework together and I immediately had to set three new rules; (1) Dance parties are for weekends, (2) No eating ice cream during homework, and (3) You have to do all your homework by yourself.

THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!

I remember, years ago, a pivotal parenting moment for me was when I first caught myself saying, "If you don't finish your broccoli, you don't get any dessert."

At the time, I started laughing hysterically because I felt like I had lost my parenting virginity. Generations of parents have uttered those exact same words and somewhere along the line, it's become a rite of passage. I remember thinking, "Ha! You made your first rule."

I just didn't know that it would never end. Does it?

Today, I was walking around the neighborhood holding hands with the Peanut and actually found myself saying: "New rule. No trying to push me into the dog poop when we're walking down the street together."

The Peanut shook her head, looked up at me, and said, "Man, you sure do got a lot of rules."

You have no idea, kiddo.

 

What about you guys? Did your parents have any crazy rules when you were growing up? Do you have any ones for your kids that sometimes make your head spin? What's the funniest rule you've ever had to say to your kids? An inquiring mind wants to know.

Comments

[Betsy]

We have a decidedly doggy theme around here: You cannot use my toothbrush to brush the dog's teeth. You cannot play wheelbarrow with the dog, she's too old. Only one Milk Bone per day because, honestly, I'm not sure what's in them.(Have you ever read the ingredients? There are some big words.) (Since I ate MilkBones myself as a child, and am still here to talk about it, I'm not too concerned.)New rule for myself: Try to avoid parentheses when commenting on blogs.

[carlae.wordpress.com]

There was a VERY strict rule about not singing at the dinner table. Now that I'm an adult, we always have dinner music and I find myself singing. Sometimes I feel guilty and then I realize it's my house, my mom is long gone and the food still tastes great in it's musically tainted way.

[Overman]

Rules are for people who don't know how to inspire a desired behavior in themselves and/or others.

The unfortunate thing about rules is, you need to back them up with punishment and/or authority. Not an ideal way to parent, imho.

Metro, no offense, but you seem like a bit of a push-over; a push-over parent adding to their rule book is like a procrastinator adding tasks to their "to do" list, on the level, it's redundant.

If you want your daughter to perform certain actions, you must inspire her to understand and embrace the value in those actions.

And remember, rules, by their fundamental nature, chaperon a lack of will, a lack of common sense, or both; they should only be used as training wheels and not to lazily avoid nurturing people to become full-thinking, willful and sensible individuals.

[Overman]

P.S.

Regarding the rules at your favorite bar, you had an interesting perception:

"They convey a form of tolerance and politeness that seem to be lacking in society today."

To my preference, I would change it to thus:

"They convey a class and sophistication that society has chosen to abandon."

[Overman]

In addition to being a pushover, you are also entirely too forgiving of the undesirable things you could easily play a hand in changing. A severe character deficite, imho.

Sorry, dude, you just seem like you need some therapy, I was doing some charity work earlier today and I guess the good spirit poured over to my web-browsing ;)

Lord knows what happens when I get the good spirit in me, hallelujah!

[mia]

My korean immigrant parents never had any rules, yet I clearly knew what was ok and what would make me feel waves of shame. I have no idea how they pulled that off... probably a potent combination of strictness and the potent Korean blend of parental guilt.

[wagthedad]

Bar rules all the way. When I find myself talking too much about the rules, I check myself by finishing what I was saying with "and blah, blah blah blah blah," to see if my kids are listening. They aren't. So much for the rules. My daughter just started school this year, and it takes us an hour and a half to get ready. I die every single day.

[Ally]

Are you talking about PDT in the phone booth in the EV? ;)

Yeah, I find myself being "The Rules Mommy" too. I'm cool with it.

[Jason]

Sup Metro Dad,
Laughed my ass off at your last rule. I can see me 'Lil Gal trying to push me into the poop. I had a similar rule upbringing. And now I break all those rules and impose the same ones on my critters. Just how it is. Thanks for the post. MANY chuckles had. I'll be back.

Later,
"This would be a lot easier if I had some ice cream."

[Jennifer]

We only touch our own penis.

[Amy]

My favorite bar here in Nashvegas has a similar set of rules and resides in an unmarked, refurbished old house.

My parents had so many rules that it was insane. My hubby and I have rules for our son, but we try to stick with the basics (being a good, kind person kind-of stuff). The most ridiculous rule that we've had to instate is "No drumming at the table." Our son is a drummer and he is constantly tapping on everything. We decided that, during meals, we would like a break from the constant drum beats.

[Jennifer]

I had too many rules growing up. Trying not to control my kids but just let them be and have fun with them. Life is too short.

[Lauren]

I didn't have a lot of rules growing up either. I think "you will live in Fort Lee for your first 17 years of life' was bad enough. I found something that, as a parent, is much more fun than rules. If you really want to shock Peanut, say yes when she least expects it. My boys got home from hockey at 10pm Monday (long story). My son walked in the door and said "can I have cereal?" I said "sure, what kind?" He didn't know what to do. I then let them go to bed smelly without showering. I may have been tired and drunk but it was great. As for your bar and their rules, I find the gentlemen not introducing themselves to ladies a little sexist. We don't need a bartender's help in choosing who to speak to. Manners and rules can be overrated.

[allsugarspice]

I stumbled on your blog whilst blog-surfing. It had me cackling (yes, cackling) with laughter and tearing, in that order. That bit about sleeping under a fan and sweating it out under piles of blankets - priceless. I was 7 and had chicken pox, when my mum and her bright idea of sweating out the pox(es) under layers of blankets in the sweltering humid heat of Singapore, just about did me in. The doctor was NOT amused!

Anyhoo, I'm hoping that you won't stop this blog. There's some mention about it somewhere...

Looking forward to reading more updates. :)

[cocktailparty]

Your bar rules are really good ...such rules should be applied in offices also

One rule one can recollect which we were made to follow was getting up early in the morning, irrespective of whether it was a weekday or Sunday we were made to get up by 5am by Dad and i hated him for that.

[Sarah]

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[melbournedreaming]

You don't have to frame everything in "rules", dude. That just makes the 6.5 year old kid in me act up.

Why not just say "Do your homework.", leave her to it, and if she doesn't do it, she deals with the consequences? Parents today are WAY too involved in their kids lives. Leave them the f*ck alone and give them some responsibility!

(I say this as a single girl, no kids. I'm sure I'll change my tune the minute I drop some).

Btw, as a non-parent, I love your blog.

[Sandra chin]

Lately, it's been:

Don't slap your pee pee. You're a lady!
Don't get on mummy /daddy and do the humpy motion.
Don't run off when Ive taken your clothes off for a bath/ change.

She's 18 months old.

[Cocktail party]

Whoa! A daddy blog?? Thats interesting :) Blogsville is full of mommy blogs and this is indeed a refreshing change.

I don't have kids, so Iam not sure what rules am gonna make for them. But these days I have been thinking a lot about wat kinda parent will I be? Will be the over protective mom? Or the chilled-out kind? Too strict? Too lazy? I have no idea...

My parents had few rules :

1. Don't answer the door bell except when its my parents.

2. Avoid going to the terrace.

3.Don't watch MTV after 10pm (this is after we got into our teens).

We had many more of these :)

[custom written paper]

that's right, as it could be. in my house it the same situation, my place - my rulez!!

[cheap jerseys]

My daughter had given me a hug, and then announced, "Mom, you smell like fish sticks!" Another little girl immediately ran over to sniff me and agreed. I announced the rule before the whole table could get in on the action.

[Hanni]

I didn't have a lot of rules growing up. Instead, my mom would terrorize me with stories. Things like, "If you go out on the dock, the wicked witch of the water might eat you! She'll grab you right off of the dock - little girls are her FAVORITE." Or, "You'd better not go into the woods by yourself. The wicked witch of the woods loves to eat little girls, too, and if she's already had her lunch, she'll just give you to her sister."

I don't know how I grew up not having nightly nightmares, but for some reason the stories didn't bother me too much. But I don't remember venturing out on the dock or into the woods by myself, either...

For my almost five year old daughter, I don't have too many rules, either. The ones I do have usually allow me to get more sleep, like, "If you don't wake me up until 7:30, you can play with the iPhone for a few minutes." Actually, I guess it's not really a "rule" - more like a negotiation...

[大阪 十三 キャバクラ]

Indeed, it became helpful.

[Blau]

Screw you about the Yankees rule my man. Blau

[Cedrick Finly]

Haha. That restaurant seems cool. I laughed at the shared house rules here at the comment box. :) It seems like no one likes rules here. LOL. Anyway, my parents didn't lift any house rules back then.

[Cedrick Finly]

Haha. That restaurant seems cool. I laughed at the shared house rules here at the comment box. :D It seems like no one likes rules here. LOL. Anyway, my parents didn't lift any house rules back then.

[Sarah]

I just get a thrill when you post something. It's as though I've saddled up to the bar with a long lost friend, a cold beer and a pack of cigarettes. How do I convince you to post more?

[fluoxetine birth defects]

When I was in school , if I put my legs on the table, my teacher would yell at me :" you are not in a bar! " Does that means feet on the table are allowed acording to bar rules?

[Sohbet]

Your Web Site is really wonderful and I bookmarked it. Thank your for the hard work you must have put in to create this wonderful facility.

[aostun]

My parents rules 1 : no drinking until 29

[Vatan]

Those things gelnlaery work for attracting many people, not just your ex. But they work because they are characteristics of a mentally healthy person who doesn't play games. If you're purposefully holding back attention just to get his attention, then you're faking it and you will get more of the same crap that caused him to be your ex in the first place. If you do those things GENUINELY because you just want to get on with your life instead of letting him weigh you down again, you'll find that you don't want him back anyways. Posers and manipulators pretend to be mentally healthy because they know they can't attract people otherwise.

[Gaby]

It depends. Grades are a retoecfiln of doing a test correctly. If I see my son trying hard by doing his homework and studying, grades don't matter the effort id what counts! As for behavior, that all depends, too. Expecting children to sit quietly for most of 6 hours is completely unrealistic. So is not standing up for oneself. I have never had any problems with my son in the behavior department, but if I did, I would not jump to conclusions and believe only the adult's (teacher, principal, etc.) Point-of-view. Kids deserve a chance to be heard and their thoughts and ideas need to be seriously considered.

[Nadine]

In our house homework is done as soon as my son comes home from shoocl and after he takes a shower. When he's done with it then he has the rest of the day to be free and play but nothing gets left for the last minute. My husband and I help him when he has a question. Most of the time we know the answer right off the bat, but then again he's in 3rd grade. Once he starts doing algebra, I don't know who he's gonna ask !! ! !

[Mayara]

Even though my son only just satetrd JK everyday when he comes home we as parents are asked to check a communication bag which is in the childs backpack so anything the parent needs to see or pay special attention to is in one place. If there is anything we need to cover it usually happens before dinner and any reading that we are asked to cover with our child i usually save till closer to bed time.

[Ray]

I expect Bs or beettr. If not you are grounded until the 3 wk progress report comes out. Ds hated this in HS esp once he started driving because then he was grounded from driving too! LOL i only had one instance when his behavior became a problem but there were other issues involved and we dealt with it. He knows/knew what we expected and behaved at school.

[Erik]

I am very strict about beuvoiahr. My boys are expected to be on their best beuvoiahr at school and on the school bus. I have had very positive comments from teachers about how well behaved they are. I am a little less strict about grades. I expect them to put forth their best effort but if that doesn't translate into a perfect grade, I'm okay with that.

[James]

Yes I am strict about gdaers, getting homework done, not missing any school and their behavior in school. My expectations are they should be prepared. I haven't had any problems with my kids except a couple times with my daughter. Now she is a senior and she is seeing how the hard work is paying off.

[Theresa]

Thankfully our high school now has a deanigsted time for homework during the day, as I have a child who (according to him) has never had homework a day in his life. However, he continues to carry a backpack weighed down with papers and books every day. Go figure.

[Janu]

I agree that this rule in particular was one of the key indeegirnts for me, especially early on. I am still learning about what two minutes really feels like in the real world, versus what I *think* two minutes will allow. Turns out I'm not that good at feeling' time. And yes, implementing this, along with much of GTD, does depend on your intuitive responses, assuming that you are not in a harried state of mind, but have mind like water'. In other words, proportional response to the stuff coming at us will keep us from spending too much time rattling off two minute wins. That proportion, at least for me, is very likely tied to my trust in the current state of my GTD system.

[amel]

Homework here I am ashamed to admit that it awlyas seems to be a battle about when. I try to have him do it right after school and take the lets get it done attitude but then sometimes I let him wait until after dinner. It awlyas gets done however.;0)

[Selenteng]

I think it's just as important to rbmemeer WHY the two-minute rule is a part of GTD. David advocates a hard distinction between processing actions (the act of moving items from our various inboxes and collection buckets to a trusted tracking system (in our case Nozbe) and the actual execution of a next action. When we find a task that can be done in two or less minutes, it usually takes MORE time to transfer it into a system and track it, than it does to just go ahead and do it.

[Luca]

Great comments Mickey and Bert,Yes, you're spot on Bert, the idea is not to write stieohmng down but just get it done It also helps you have less projects and less actions in Nozbe (or on any to-do list) because these never get there Don't WRITE DOWN, just GET DONE

[Anach]

To an extent, I know chdeirln are chdeirln and once in awhile do things they aren't supposed to. I expect my chdeirln to be better than average but I also understand and try to help as much as I can in subjects where they really struggle.

[yates en Ibiza]

I grew up with hardly any rules, I was a pretty easy kid. But, the EXPECTATIONS negated the need for rules. I was expected to do my homework, get good grades, listen to my parents, keep my room clean, etc., etc.

It's funny, I often criticize how my parents parented, but I think they may have gotten that one right. I've got a million rules and they are only followed at Bear's desire.

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[Kim]

hi friend i can anwser some of your questions now so please dont be angry on me :ok your anwsers are (i have anwsered your questions in reference to the options a,b,c,d,e):1. b2. b (not sure)3. d4. a5. b6. b(not sure)7.(i dont know)8..(i dont know)9. d10. d11. d12. (no idea)13.d14.d15.d16.d " " dont panic no one is perfect tell your teacher that your will try more next time dont be afraid!!!!!

[Masesi]

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[Marco]

What a great idea! I assigned a deep anylasis of an argumentative essay to my students the other day, and I contemplated doing the assignment myself since I created it. How many times have we created a lesson that theoretically sounds awesome, but then we find that it's too difficult or impossible for the student to answer? Doing our own homework will keep us much more grounded.

[Ben]

I really arceppiated and enjoyed this post. WTG on being a good role model and top-notch modeler for your students. Also... bringing to light the idea of effective homework is always valid!!

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