One of my favorite bars in New York is a secret.
It has no telephone number. No windows. No signage. And the address on the front door is conveniently wrong. The bar's owner just wanted to open a tiny, intimate space where friends could come for quiet conversation and exceptionally well-made cocktails.
Framed discreetly inside the dimly-lit bar is a subtle sign dictating the rules of the house.
- No name-dropping.
- No hooting, hollering, shouting or other loud behaviour.
- No fighting, play fighting, no talking about fighting.
- Gentlemen will remove their hats. Hooks are provided.
- Gentlemen will not introduce themselves to ladies.
Ladies, feel free to start a conversation or ask the bartender to introduce you. If a man you don't know speaks to you, please lift your chin slightly and ignore him. - Do not linger outside the front door.
- Do not bring anyone unless you would leave that person alone in your home. You are responsible for the behaviour of your guests.
- Exit the bar briskly and silently.
What I love about these rules is that they don't just outline a set of house policies. They convey a form of tolerance and politeness that seem to be lacking in society today.
The only rule I might add is "If you must talk about the Yankees, please feel free to do so. At home."
I often think about rules when it comes to parenting. Growing up, I didn't have very many rules. That's not to say that my immigrant parents weren't very strict. Hell, they were the original Tiger parents and they reigned over me and my brother with an iron fist.
But aside from the fact that I was a pretty good kid, they didn't really lay down a large set of rules.
I think the only three I ever had were no reading after bedtime, no piercings and no swearing.
Ironically, I got my ear pierced right after they told me that rule. I now stay up until 2:00 am every night reading. And I don't think it's a secret to you guys that I curse like a fucking truck driver.
My daughter is 6 years old and I realize that I have a million rules for her already.
Why do I have so many rules?
Partly because if she had her way, she'd drop out of first grade, watch TV all day, and subsist solely on burnt ends and ice cream. But it's also partly for my own protection because the Peanut is constantly trying to work me over like a piñata.
For example, this is the first year she's had homework and it's like she's allergic to it. The first week of school, we sat down together and while I read the paper, I told her she had to do all of her homework. Literally every 30 seconds, she'd stop and say something ridiculously absurd:
"Hey daddy, put on some music. I think this would be a really good time for a dance party."
"This would be a lot easier if I had some ice cream."
"You just do the first part and I'll take it from there."
The first 5 minutes of doing homework together and I immediately had to set three new rules; (1) Dance parties are for weekends, (2) No eating ice cream during homework, and (3) You have to do all your homework by yourself.
THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!
I remember, years ago, a pivotal parenting moment for me was when I first caught myself saying, "If you don't finish your broccoli, you don't get any dessert."
At the time, I started laughing hysterically because I felt like I had lost my parenting virginity. Generations of parents have uttered those exact same words and somewhere along the line, it's become a rite of passage. I remember thinking, "Ha! You made your first rule."
I just didn't know that it would never end. Does it?
Today, I was walking around the neighborhood holding hands with the Peanut and actually found myself saying: "New rule. No trying to push me into the dog poop when we're walking down the street together."
The Peanut shook her head, looked up at me, and said, "Man, you sure do got a lot of rules."
You have no idea, kiddo.
What about you guys? Did your parents have any crazy rules when you were growing up? Do you have any ones for your kids that sometimes make your head spin? What's the funniest rule you've ever had to say to your kids? An inquiring mind wants to know.
We have a decidedly doggy theme around here: You cannot use my toothbrush to brush the dog's teeth. You cannot play wheelbarrow with the dog, she's too old. Only one Milk Bone per day because, honestly, I'm not sure what's in them.(Have you ever read the ingredients? There are some big words.) (Since I ate MilkBones myself as a child, and am still here to talk about it, I'm not too concerned.)New rule for myself: Try to avoid parentheses when commenting on blogs.
Posted by: Betsy | May 24, 2011 at 10:34 AM
There was a VERY strict rule about not singing at the dinner table. Now that I'm an adult, we always have dinner music and I find myself singing. Sometimes I feel guilty and then I realize it's my house, my mom is long gone and the food still tastes great in it's musically tainted way.
Posted by: carlae.wordpress.com | May 25, 2011 at 10:34 AM
Rules are for people who don't know how to inspire a desired behavior in themselves and/or others.
The unfortunate thing about rules is, you need to back them up with punishment and/or authority. Not an ideal way to parent, imho.
Metro, no offense, but you seem like a bit of a push-over; a push-over parent adding to their rule book is like a procrastinator adding tasks to their "to do" list, on the level, it's redundant.
If you want your daughter to perform certain actions, you must inspire her to understand and embrace the value in those actions.
And remember, rules, by their fundamental nature, chaperon a lack of will, a lack of common sense, or both; they should only be used as training wheels and not to lazily avoid nurturing people to become full-thinking, willful and sensible individuals.
Posted by: Overman | May 28, 2011 at 02:39 PM
P.S.
Regarding the rules at your favorite bar, you had an interesting perception:
"They convey a form of tolerance and politeness that seem to be lacking in society today."
To my preference, I would change it to thus:
"They convey a class and sophistication that society has chosen to abandon."
Posted by: Overman | May 28, 2011 at 03:30 PM
In addition to being a pushover, you are also entirely too forgiving of the undesirable things you could easily play a hand in changing. A severe character deficite, imho.
Sorry, dude, you just seem like you need some therapy, I was doing some charity work earlier today and I guess the good spirit poured over to my web-browsing ;)
Lord knows what happens when I get the good spirit in me, hallelujah!
Posted by: Overman | May 28, 2011 at 03:42 PM
My korean immigrant parents never had any rules, yet I clearly knew what was ok and what would make me feel waves of shame. I have no idea how they pulled that off... probably a potent combination of strictness and the potent Korean blend of parental guilt.
Posted by: mia | May 30, 2011 at 06:40 PM
Bar rules all the way. When I find myself talking too much about the rules, I check myself by finishing what I was saying with "and blah, blah blah blah blah," to see if my kids are listening. They aren't. So much for the rules. My daughter just started school this year, and it takes us an hour and a half to get ready. I die every single day.
Posted by: wagthedad | May 31, 2011 at 07:52 AM
Are you talking about PDT in the phone booth in the EV? ;)
Yeah, I find myself being "The Rules Mommy" too. I'm cool with it.
Posted by: Ally | May 31, 2011 at 11:14 PM
Sup Metro Dad,
Laughed my ass off at your last rule. I can see me 'Lil Gal trying to push me into the poop. I had a similar rule upbringing. And now I break all those rules and impose the same ones on my critters. Just how it is. Thanks for the post. MANY chuckles had. I'll be back.
Later,
"This would be a lot easier if I had some ice cream."
Posted by: Jason | June 03, 2011 at 11:06 AM
We only touch our own penis.
Posted by: Jennifer | June 04, 2011 at 10:29 PM
My favorite bar here in Nashvegas has a similar set of rules and resides in an unmarked, refurbished old house.
My parents had so many rules that it was insane. My hubby and I have rules for our son, but we try to stick with the basics (being a good, kind person kind-of stuff). The most ridiculous rule that we've had to instate is "No drumming at the table." Our son is a drummer and he is constantly tapping on everything. We decided that, during meals, we would like a break from the constant drum beats.
Posted by: Amy | June 06, 2011 at 12:45 PM
I had too many rules growing up. Trying not to control my kids but just let them be and have fun with them. Life is too short.
Posted by: Jennifer | June 08, 2011 at 12:17 AM
I didn't have a lot of rules growing up either. I think "you will live in Fort Lee for your first 17 years of life' was bad enough. I found something that, as a parent, is much more fun than rules. If you really want to shock Peanut, say yes when she least expects it. My boys got home from hockey at 10pm Monday (long story). My son walked in the door and said "can I have cereal?" I said "sure, what kind?" He didn't know what to do. I then let them go to bed smelly without showering. I may have been tired and drunk but it was great. As for your bar and their rules, I find the gentlemen not introducing themselves to ladies a little sexist. We don't need a bartender's help in choosing who to speak to. Manners and rules can be overrated.
Posted by: Lauren | June 08, 2011 at 10:25 AM
I stumbled on your blog whilst blog-surfing. It had me cackling (yes, cackling) with laughter and tearing, in that order. That bit about sleeping under a fan and sweating it out under piles of blankets - priceless. I was 7 and had chicken pox, when my mum and her bright idea of sweating out the pox(es) under layers of blankets in the sweltering humid heat of Singapore, just about did me in. The doctor was NOT amused!
Anyhoo, I'm hoping that you won't stop this blog. There's some mention about it somewhere...
Looking forward to reading more updates. :)
Posted by: allsugarspice | June 10, 2011 at 12:49 AM
Your bar rules are really good ...such rules should be applied in offices also
One rule one can recollect which we were made to follow was getting up early in the morning, irrespective of whether it was a weekday or Sunday we were made to get up by 5am by Dad and i hated him for that.
Posted by: cocktailparty | June 10, 2011 at 08:32 AM
Great post! Just wanted to share a link other parents might find useful.
It is often difficult for the entire family when a daughter/son is struggling with substance abuse. But you’ve gotten them treatment, and they’re ready to come home again. Now what? Tips from one Dad who has been there.
http://intervene.drugfree.org/2011/06/when-your-recovering-teen-comes-home-again-what-do-you-do/
Posted by: Sarah | June 13, 2011 at 11:37 AM
You don't have to frame everything in "rules", dude. That just makes the 6.5 year old kid in me act up.
Why not just say "Do your homework.", leave her to it, and if she doesn't do it, she deals with the consequences? Parents today are WAY too involved in their kids lives. Leave them the f*ck alone and give them some responsibility!
(I say this as a single girl, no kids. I'm sure I'll change my tune the minute I drop some).
Btw, as a non-parent, I love your blog.
Posted by: melbournedreaming | June 16, 2011 at 03:06 AM
Lately, it's been:
Don't slap your pee pee. You're a lady!
Don't get on mummy /daddy and do the humpy motion.
Don't run off when Ive taken your clothes off for a bath/ change.
She's 18 months old.
Posted by: Sandra chin | June 17, 2011 at 02:33 PM
Whoa! A daddy blog?? Thats interesting :) Blogsville is full of mommy blogs and this is indeed a refreshing change.
I don't have kids, so Iam not sure what rules am gonna make for them. But these days I have been thinking a lot about wat kinda parent will I be? Will be the over protective mom? Or the chilled-out kind? Too strict? Too lazy? I have no idea...
My parents had few rules :
1. Don't answer the door bell except when its my parents.
2. Avoid going to the terrace.
3.Don't watch MTV after 10pm (this is after we got into our teens).
We had many more of these :)
Posted by: Cocktail party | June 27, 2011 at 10:23 AM
that's right, as it could be. in my house it the same situation, my place - my rulez!!
Posted by: custom written paper | August 25, 2011 at 01:23 PM
My daughter had given me a hug, and then announced, "Mom, you smell like fish sticks!" Another little girl immediately ran over to sniff me and agreed. I announced the rule before the whole table could get in on the action.
Posted by: cheap jerseys | September 06, 2011 at 04:00 AM
I didn't have a lot of rules growing up. Instead, my mom would terrorize me with stories. Things like, "If you go out on the dock, the wicked witch of the water might eat you! She'll grab you right off of the dock - little girls are her FAVORITE." Or, "You'd better not go into the woods by yourself. The wicked witch of the woods loves to eat little girls, too, and if she's already had her lunch, she'll just give you to her sister."
I don't know how I grew up not having nightly nightmares, but for some reason the stories didn't bother me too much. But I don't remember venturing out on the dock or into the woods by myself, either...
For my almost five year old daughter, I don't have too many rules, either. The ones I do have usually allow me to get more sleep, like, "If you don't wake me up until 7:30, you can play with the iPhone for a few minutes." Actually, I guess it's not really a "rule" - more like a negotiation...
Posted by: Hanni | September 10, 2011 at 10:23 PM
Indeed, it became helpful.
Posted by: 大阪 十三 キャバクラ | October 27, 2011 at 03:54 AM
Screw you about the Yankees rule my man. Blau
Posted by: Blau | November 07, 2011 at 05:59 AM
Haha. That restaurant seems cool. I laughed at the shared house rules here at the comment box. :) It seems like no one likes rules here. LOL. Anyway, my parents didn't lift any house rules back then.
Posted by: Cedrick Finly | November 23, 2011 at 02:32 PM
Haha. That restaurant seems cool. I laughed at the shared house rules here at the comment box. :D It seems like no one likes rules here. LOL. Anyway, my parents didn't lift any house rules back then.
Posted by: Cedrick Finly | November 23, 2011 at 02:40 PM
I just get a thrill when you post something. It's as though I've saddled up to the bar with a long lost friend, a cold beer and a pack of cigarettes. How do I convince you to post more?
Posted by: Sarah | January 29, 2012 at 08:08 PM
When I was in school , if I put my legs on the table, my teacher would yell at me :" you are not in a bar! " Does that means feet on the table are allowed acording to bar rules?
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Posted by: Sohbet | April 14, 2012 at 11:32 PM
Ok, here's a few ideas:1. If I didn't have "that badge," you still wouldn't do shit, becsuae you're all talk. *Derivative: The more you talk, the harder you ain't. *Related: Idle threats don't amuse me, but I will include them in my report.2. Most folks don't handle emergencies very well. Some don't handle them at all. That's probably why they pay me to do this job.3. Please don't take your aggression out on me. I didn't shoot your loved one. By the way, do you know who did that? 4. Please don't tell your misbehaving two year old that I'm going to arrest them if they aren't good. That kind of hurts.
Posted by: Amit | May 28, 2012 at 04:18 PM
Good 2 minute show !I use 2 of the tips (no srnitog in many folders, no preview).I did not yet disable the email notification, I may try it.Another think I do is to have 5 folders as defined in GTD.@Inbox, where email comes@action : email waiting an action from me@waiting-for : email for which I'm waiting an answer@review/read@done : all the finished email Few times in the day, I scan my inbox, and according to GTD method, I dispatch in the good folder ( action / waiting for/to read / done), or I answer (if less than 2 minutes).So in fact, all my messages are in @done, and the challenge is to keep the others empty.I works for me.ps : your 2 minutes show is a 3 minutes show today !
Posted by: Lorand | May 29, 2012 at 01:44 PM