MetroDad Mailbag (The Asian Edition)

When my friend Phil Yu, who runs the illustrious news site Angry Asian Man, asked me to write a guest post on his site while he takes a much-needed vacation to the mother continent, I wasn't sure that I'd have time to write something. But Phil has always been a great supporter of MetroDad and when I heard that my boys Yul Kwon, Parry Shen and Bobby Choy were contributing also, I knew I couldn't say no.

Anyway, despite the fact that this site deals primarily with the subject of being a single 41-year-old Korean-American parent in New York City, I tend to get a ton of e-mails from younger Asian/Asian-American readers from around the world so I thought I'd take the opportunity to answer a few of them all at once.

Here's the first question I received:

Dear MetroDad:

It seems like everywhere I look these days, non-Asian people are sporting Asian-motif tattoos. Usually, they're Chinese characters of some sort. How do I tell people how cliched and absurd these tattoos are?

-Michiko
San Francisco, CA

Dear Michiko,

I feel your pain. There's a great story about a certain unnamed NBA player whom, when asked about his tattoo, replied that it meant "turbulent flow." Unfortunately, it seems the player had simply picked characters from the tattoo parlor's catalog. When the characters were put together, the tattoo was actually translated as "crazy diarrhea."

I suggest that you follow my lead. Whenever you see someone sporting Chinese character tattoos, just tap them on the shoulder and say, "Damn, I like Moo Shu Pork too but I never thought about getting it tattooed on my bicep. Ballsy move, dude!"

Let me know how it works out.

Best,
MetroDad

To read the rest of my inane advice to today's youth, head over Angry Asian Man.

Comments

[Katie]

Just came over from Angry Asian Man and wanted to say, as a 25 year-old, I thought your post was hilarious. Thanks for the advice!

[Jennifer Y.]

This was seriously funny. Nice to discover you via Angry Asian Man. I'm now going to spend the entire rest of the work day reading your entire archives!

[John]

Thank goodness I can safely say that I don't have white friends! :p

[Leila from HK]

I think you're officially my new internet crush!

[Dr. Cynicism]

HAhaha! Brilliant advice my friend! But would it be okay if I replaced "moo shu pork" with "crazy diarrhea" instead?

[Nicholas]

I don't know if you're an angry Asian man but you sure are a funny one!

[Maggie]

Aaaaaaand that's why I'll never get a tattoo in a language I am not completely fluent in.

[Shelly]

That's TOTALLY what my asian friend does to EVERYONE he see's with a Chinese character tattoo. "Why does it say chicken fried rice on your back?!"

Gets me every time.

[Jenny]

MetroDad, Yul Kwon, Parry Shen and Bobby Choy? It's like all of my Asian-American crushes all in the same place. Love it!

[Helen]

People are really stupid with what they do. I am glad that you are taking it like this. I do not know why anyone would take something that they know nothing about and try to incorperate into something else. I like the way you look at life.

[ray lee]

I'm glad you are doing a guest post on AAM. You're a great writer and I cannot stop recommending your blog to virtually every single person I talked to the past 4 years (wow, hast it been that long already?).

More exposure from AAM. Awesome man!

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[viciuzurban]

funny shit nice blog

[Holmes]

"Have you ever had a bowl haircut?" HA!

[Jen Kuo]

Viva La MetroDad. Awesome post. Especially about Jerry Yang.

[Muskrat]

Quality.
Next time I find myself at a crossroads, I'm emailing you.

[Nancy]

4 posts in one month? I could get used to this, MD. Please keep it up!

[Ellen]

I found your blog from Angry Asian Man and have been reading it non-stop for the past two days. It's awesome. I've recommended it to ALL my friends (even those who are still single without kids.) I look forward to reading more posts.

[Patty]

This is very nice of you to do for your friend. I know that he will appreciate it very much. Everyone at my work loves to read your site. You are the talk of the office.

[SciFi Dad]

Damn, boy. I thought you were kidding about being on the same blog with Parry Shen and Yul Kwon. You're way more connected than I give you credit for. (Does that sound gay?)

[Charlie]

You must be a really good friend. I also, like the way you handled it with your daughter. I think that most people are not that stupid but, what are we to do with them?

[CaliMama]

I feel so unoriginal for saying that you are my Internet crush...and SciFi Dad really has NO IDEA when he wrote in his comment: "You're way more connected than I give you credit for."
I guess he should read your archives about all the famous peeps you get to hang out with on a regular basis.

[Bob]

With todays fast paced world it is nice to hear about people helping people. If we would all get back to helping each other, then this country would be a lot better off.

Thanks

[Redvelvetdiary]

In high school, I thought it'd be so cool to get a tattoo on my lower back. Some sort of vine...or leafy thing. No meaning, just thought it'd be sweet. This is before this was coined a "tramp stamp". There are so many moments that I'm grateful my parents were strict. And many of my friends who got tattoos had them removed years later...

[Ria]

hehe YOU'RE SO FUNNY!! Always look forward to reading ur post.

[Kyle]

Shit MD!! So now I know why every Asian kept asking me if I wanted steamed or friend rice?!?!?

[Jeff]

You are a good friend. I hope that when or if, I ever need a friend to help me out I will have someone like you in my corner.

[Alice]

I wish that I could write a well as you do. I would have the followers that you have. You may make his paper even better.

[Tile]

I did wonder if any of the guys actually knew what the symbols meant!

[William]

You are a great friend. I would like to think that my friends would do the same for me. I know that you will do a great job for him.

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

My college Japanese teacher was (naturally) appalled at the American college kid need to get tattoos, and was furthermore totally disgusted at the whole Chinese character/Japanese Kanji trend as well. She was relaying to us how she is always approached by new students each semester asking her to write this or that in Japanese to take to the tattoo parlor, and she, of course, would refuse people.

And apparently, one semester, one of her students came in with the *dumbest* tattoo she'd seen yet-- she said she saw plenty of nonsensical arrangements of characters, but never anything terribly stupid. Until some little chickadee came in with "Small Cat In Heat" tattooed down her arm. What was it supposed to be?

Sex kitten.

Yeah. Winner.

[DG]

MD. What ever happened to Metrodog???

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[Madison]

You are really a true friend to do this for him. People gerenally do not put themselves in others shoes for nothing. This is great.

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