When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

Two things I've always said I wouldn't do are (1) join Twitter, and (2) sign up for an online dating site.

However, this has been a busy summer for me. I won't go into all the details but I've found myself with very little "me" time. When I'm not working, traveling, renovating my apartment, spending time with friends, or hanging out with the Peanut, I just haven't had much free time to meet new women to date.

Now back in the days when I was single, online dating never really existed.

These days, it's all the rage.

So, in a panic, I called BossLady today to discuss this with her. She not only reminded me that we'd been to several weddings where the couples had met online but she also alerted me to the fact that times had changed and I should embrace technology and the world of online dating. She even gave me a ton of advice about which dating sites to avoid. Awesome!

Here's the problem.

As my buddy James has reminded me, I have a somewhat offbeat sense of humor. If I'm going to date online, I might as well cut to the chase. As James said, "Listen, bro. They're going to find out sooner or later. You might as well float it out there." Good advice.

Of course, James is the same guy who joined Match.com and used Ray Charles' bio as his "About Me."

And no, he wasn't born the black son of a Florida sharecropper. 

Anyway, I took his advice and, as an experiment, signed up for an online dating site for the first time. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing so I could use any advice, assistance, or help that you can offer.

For better or worse, here's my online profile:

I was born on a remote island in the South Pacific and now reside between Manhattan and Paris. Of course, by that, I mean Manhattan, Kansas and Paris, Texas.

At the age of 11, I was visiting relatives in Tijuana and, on a dare, entered a local variety show. To make a long story short, I wound up winning the coveted Chimichanga Award for Best New Asian Actor in a Mexican production of "Oklahoma."

This brought me fame at an early age. When I returned home, I was a huge celebrity and was often featured on local TV. Of course, since I lived on a small island with limited access to technology, there were only 5 families tuning in (7 during the vernal equinox!)

Eventually, I grew weary of an entertainer’s life and all the trappings of fame…the party, the interview, the stalker.

At the tender age of 17, through an administrative error, I received a football scholarship to Smith College. With a heavy heart, I kissed my family goodbye to explore the world beyond.

It was then I realized my dream of becoming a self-taught mathematician. With a little help from the Rand Corporation, I was able to solve Fermat’s Theorem and use that knowledge to help invent Spanx.

The rest is history. I do get lonely sometimes but I simply won’t settle. It seems most American women don’t have a knack for hunting wild boar. Despite my wealth and prosperity, I’m just truly a really nice guy at heart and no matter where life takes me, I will never forget my roots (nor my wonderful memories of foraging for roots.)

All kidding aside, I'm a very open, fun, honest, and down-to-earth guy. I truly believe in enjoying all that life has to offer. I have amazing friends, a beautiful daughter, and a great life that I'm looking to share with someone special.

I'm a born-and-raised New Yorker with an urbane wit and great sense of humor. I'm a hopeless romantic with an optimistic outlook on life. I take great pleasure in life's smaller moments. And as much as I like to have fun, I also have a very serious contemplative side that likes to explore my inner self.

I'm looking for someone who is kind, passionate, loving, honest, independent, funny, loyal and intelligent. My perfect match is someone comfortable in her own skin with a high degree of emotional intelligence.

And who gets my sense of humor.

What do you guys think? I'm going to die alone, aren't I? 

P.S. By the way, I joined Twitter too. If you want, follow me here.

Comments

[Redvelvetdiary]

Love how all these women are throwing themselves at you. Well, I think they're all women. At the looks of things you won't need Match afterall, which will save you some $. My friend introduced me to your blog yesterday and already I'm in love. Nicely done. And Peanut is adorable.

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[irretrievably broken]

Say that you're well hung. Chicks dig that.

[Pam]

I'd fall in love with you sight unseen. Which would really piss my husband off.

[Pam]

But, hang tight on the Twitter thing. I don't want to be the last non-twit in the universe.

[Bessy]

I was falling in love with your make believe world. It was making me feel like anything was possible. Back to the real world and poof, the clouds are back again. I think somethimes I would not mind living in the make believe world. Thanks for the wake up call.

[L]

I think you should delete your profile and give me a call.

[Cheryl Brister]

Exactly, it's the truth that counts... especially if your looking for worthwhile results. I really enjoyed your post.

[Chai Ling]

Nah, you won't die alone, Metrodad. You have Peanut + Bosslady.

[Scott]

Almost done. Now you just need to add that you're over 6 foot tall. And make $100,000 a year.

[Carla]

This is TRULY awesome...go with it. I read and answered an ad titled "When Mars and Venus collide". This guy was hilarious and certainly didn't take himself too seriously. that was June of 2000, we got married Feb 2001, it was the best bit of reading I've ever done.

Your profile is a great second best! Good luck!

[May Bui]

Saawooon!

[Naomi]

Hahahha....football scholarship to Smith made me spit on my computer. Thanks for the laugh, MD. Good luck out there. It's a jungle!

[Grandma Seattle]

Hey Metro Dad - I loved the text at 3 AM almost as much as I love your sense of humor and that you panicked the next day and wondered if you had CALLED me at 3 AM. From my point of view anyone would be lucky to get a guy with your sense of humor which was most perfectly illustrated by Peanut's Chinese Gymnast Halloween costume. Best of luck - I'm also on Match (it's a lot of work - but the rumor is that it has worked for some people). Fondly, Grandma Seattle. (Oh the Joy's Mom).

[claritymay]

i agree with ray lee. you could probably set up a PO Box requesting essays (and pictures?) on why one (or more) of your lucky lady readers should win a date with you! or, find someone who has no idea you're a blog celebrity, then shut down your site and live happily ever after.

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[Maya]

Worry less about the profile and more about the cigarettes. It's going to be difficult to find a good woman who doesn't mind cozying up to your carbon monoxide mouth.

[cb]

i recommend cutting back the joke portion of the bio by half

[Kila]

LOL, that profile would get my curiosity going and I would have to find out more.

I'm amazed, and happy, that you and BossLady get along so well. I live all the way across the country from my ex just to feel a small bit safety and peace.

[M.M.]

I agree with Ms. V., you can find someone through your blog! oh, too sad you're a continent away :)

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Thank you for this blog. That is all I can say. You most definitely have made this blog into something that is eye opening and important. You clearly know so much about the subject, you have covered so many bases. Great stuff from this part of the internet. Again, thank you for this blog.

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[American Women]

Oh, that's funny! From the mouths of babes.

[Holmes]

When I saw you on twitter, I thought, "didn't he vow to never....?" And then I followed you anyway.

There's gotta, just gotta be a lady out there that would dig a bio like that. And them's that don't? Why bother?

[dentist wakefield]

I was very pleased to find this site.I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post. She will have baby showers while she is pregnant, but you can have a party to celebrate that she finally got her wish.

[JP]

You should use your profile, and my photo. Together we could rule the world. Cut to scene, I'm looking for a screenwriting partner to face-lift, and act in, a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Working title: Dirty, Rotten. There will be tiny island, wild bores and a helluva lot of mathematics. No football though, players NEVER talk sports. You in?

[ngy]

u r going to take couple of years before getting the right gal, hey, on the bright side..peanut's gonna b in college and you'll have the house for urself. hmm..u do have all the time in the world, dun cha?

[fx]

Forget the online dating service just post 10 year old pictures of yourself on this blog and the babes will be e-mailing you post-haste.

[Kirin]

Are there Spanx for men? One of my guy buds once wore an elastic back support to go dancing, not because he has a bad back, but because the man world lacks an equivalent to a corset. You should invent Man Spanx, or Manx. and have it ride high so the men who wear it can flatten, and provide comfortable support, for their moobs.

I'm giving this way too much thought. Damnit Mad Men.

[Sally]

I never get tired of reading your post. You always have a great way of writing about the things that are going on in your life. You make me think that my life is very dull.

[wannabe_father]

I think the 'one' response you get from that profile description will be worth more than twenty responces to a more 'normal' profile. The best thing you can do is put your real honest self forward with nothing to lose especially when the other options are A. have a fake self out there and 2. have Nothing out there.

Having said that, people do want to know actual real facts about you so although your profile probably captures your personality accurately, perhaps it's easy to dismiss for all the other things it DOESN'T say.

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[Tess]

Your ad had me chuckling. No need to change anything =)

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The best part of using dating site is that you come to know about many people under one roof.. Its the best way to choose the life partner, after knowing the likes and dislikes, your compatibility with the opposite person, you can meet then..

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So, in a panic, I called BossLady today to discuss this with her. She not only reminded me that we'd been to several weddings where the couples had met online but she also alerted me to the fact that times had changed and I should embrace technology and the world of online dating. She even gave me a ton of advice about which dating sites to avoid. Awesome!
Here's the problem.
As my buddy James has reminded me, I have a somewhat offbeat sense of humor. If I'm going to date online, I might as well cut to the chase. As James said, "Listen, bro. They're going to find out sooner or later. You might as well float it out there." Good advice.

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