When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

Two things I've always said I wouldn't do are (1) join Twitter, and (2) sign up for an online dating site.

However, this has been a busy summer for me. I won't go into all the details but I've found myself with very little "me" time. When I'm not working, traveling, renovating my apartment, spending time with friends, or hanging out with the Peanut, I just haven't had much free time to meet new women to date.

Now back in the days when I was single, online dating never really existed.

These days, it's all the rage.

So, in a panic, I called BossLady today to discuss this with her. She not only reminded me that we'd been to several weddings where the couples had met online but she also alerted me to the fact that times had changed and I should embrace technology and the world of online dating. She even gave me a ton of advice about which dating sites to avoid. Awesome!

Here's the problem.

As my buddy James has reminded me, I have a somewhat offbeat sense of humor. If I'm going to date online, I might as well cut to the chase. As James said, "Listen, bro. They're going to find out sooner or later. You might as well float it out there." Good advice.

Of course, James is the same guy who joined Match.com and used Ray Charles' bio as his "About Me."

And no, he wasn't born the black son of a Florida sharecropper. 

Anyway, I took his advice and, as an experiment, signed up for an online dating site for the first time. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing so I could use any advice, assistance, or help that you can offer.

For better or worse, here's my online profile:

I was born on a remote island in the South Pacific and now reside between Manhattan and Paris. Of course, by that, I mean Manhattan, Kansas and Paris, Texas.

At the age of 11, I was visiting relatives in Tijuana and, on a dare, entered a local variety show. To make a long story short, I wound up winning the coveted Chimichanga Award for Best New Asian Actor in a Mexican production of "Oklahoma."

This brought me fame at an early age. When I returned home, I was a huge celebrity and was often featured on local TV. Of course, since I lived on a small island with limited access to technology, there were only 5 families tuning in (7 during the vernal equinox!)

Eventually, I grew weary of an entertainer’s life and all the trappings of fame…the party, the interview, the stalker.

At the tender age of 17, through an administrative error, I received a football scholarship to Smith College. With a heavy heart, I kissed my family goodbye to explore the world beyond.

It was then I realized my dream of becoming a self-taught mathematician. With a little help from the Rand Corporation, I was able to solve Fermat’s Theorem and use that knowledge to help invent Spanx.

The rest is history. I do get lonely sometimes but I simply won’t settle. It seems most American women don’t have a knack for hunting wild boar. Despite my wealth and prosperity, I’m just truly a really nice guy at heart and no matter where life takes me, I will never forget my roots (nor my wonderful memories of foraging for roots.)

All kidding aside, I'm a very open, fun, honest, and down-to-earth guy. I truly believe in enjoying all that life has to offer. I have amazing friends, a beautiful daughter, and a great life that I'm looking to share with someone special.

I'm a born-and-raised New Yorker with an urbane wit and great sense of humor. I'm a hopeless romantic with an optimistic outlook on life. I take great pleasure in life's smaller moments. And as much as I like to have fun, I also have a very serious contemplative side that likes to explore my inner self.

I'm looking for someone who is kind, passionate, loving, honest, independent, funny, loyal and intelligent. My perfect match is someone comfortable in her own skin with a high degree of emotional intelligence.

And who gets my sense of humor.

What do you guys think? I'm going to die alone, aren't I? 

P.S. By the way, I joined Twitter too. If you want, follow me here.

Comments

[Neil]

Finding someone who gets your sense of humor is going to be the hard part.

[Oh, The Joys]

MetroDad - this should be a no brainer for you. What lady doesn't want to text her mom with you at 3:00 a.m.? It's every girl's dream fantasy.

[amy sue nathan]

I've been online dating on and off for 7+ years. If you can find a woman smart/witty enough to respond to your profile appropriately, I say go for it. If male responses are any indication, I'd say you won't get many keepers.

Most will really just want to know if you're really a kajillionaire, and if that is more or less than a millionaire.

Sigh.

Good luck. I've sworn off the D-sites. Too many wife-beater t-shirts and handle-bar mustaches. Oh, sorry MetroDad.

Wish you were in Chicago...

[Angie in Texas]

i met my husband thru match and lemme tell you - your profile is gonna get the right kind of gals for you!

best of luck.

*and i love that you and bosslady are all good. =)

[KC]

Awesome! Just delete everything up to and including "All kidding aside," and I think you'll definitely get some takers. I heard something like 20% of couples getting married these days met online! Something like that! (Don't quote me on that.) I'm not entirely reliable these days.

[Vanessa]

I laughed at your online profile but I cried with joy at the fact that you and BossLady are still close. I wish I had that kind of relationship with my ex. Although our marriage didn't work out (which I'm fine with,) he acts as if we were never friends in the first place.

That breaks my heart.

[Gareth]

You might want to think about getting a cat or two.


That way you won't die completely alone.

[Jess]

Not sure whether you're serious about asking for advice but I think it's a little too long. I read a stat that said most people only look at the photo and don't even bother reading the profile. May or may not be true but you never know.

[mama nabi]

Well, you won't be attracting any grammar nazis if you keep the last sentence the way it is.

[Amie aka MammaLoves]

All of the sudden I'm disappointed I'm not online dating...

[twizzle]

I like your ad! You might consider posting it in the personal ad section of the New York Review of Books -- where you'll be sure to attract someone intelligent, witty, and urbane. (They might be sixty, however.)

Also, you might consider mentioning having gone to school at Cal. Would add a little West Coast flavor to your all-NYC pedigree.

[MJB]

I would date anyone who had even heard of Manhattan, KS. I grew up there - left as soon as I could drive. I love to tell people I'm from "Manhattan --- no, not that one, the LITTLE apple" just to watch their disbelief/laughter.

[Donna]

With those qualities, I am sure that you will have the girls falling at your feet. I like the way you look at life and how you adore your daughter. You forgot to mention that you like to read books and eat in you underware. Those are good qualities, too. Glad to hear from you again and I hope you find someone who will adore you.

[NHF]

You're weird

[BOSSY]

What a coincidence: Bossy is passionate, loving, honest, independent, funny, loyal and intelligent -- and working on the Kind part.

[Julie Kang]

Ha! It's been a while, but I think if I came across that ad, I'd give you a holler (after a background check).

[Karina]

If I didn't have a crush on you before, this pretty much sealed the deal. I'm too young for you and live too far away from you, MD, but I hope I someday meet someone who makes me laugh like you do.

[ChiMama]

Great meeting you at BlogHer. You're much hotter in person!

[MetroDude]

Like YOU need help finding a date. You are the coolest cat I know, digital or not.

[Karen from Chookooloonks]

It makes you sound totally hot. Add a Rerun quote, and you're *golden.*

[Jess]

Hahahha...yes, you might die alone. But probably laughing. Could be worse.

[layla]

Best. Ad. Ever.

[Lauren]

I'm just curious here, but what in the world do people "twit" about?
I got quite a few chuckles from your profile and think any woman who gets through it laughing all the way would be ideal.

[April]

Just followed you! :)

[Captain Dumbass]

That is an awesome profile. I'd date you if I wasn't a straight man, married and in another country.

[J Kim]

My socks were just rocked by your profile. I think you should keep it the way that it is. Do you let your blog followers add you on Facebook?

[thundie]

You have the Peanut, books, MetroDog and an adoring fanbase. We won't allow you to die alone!

But here's hoping you and Perfect Match get connected real soon, online or otherwise. Good luck!

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

You gonna die.

[Joanie]

I also have read that most people don't even bother reading the profiles. They just look at the pictures. However, having seen you with my own eyes at BlogHer, I have the feeling you'll be attracting A LOT of attention. Good luck out there!

[Jenn]

I love your profile; your humor is refreshing.

[JustLinda]

The party, the interview, the stalker. Bwahahahaha Favorite line of the whole bio.

You'll do fine. Good luck with it!!

And I followed you on Twitter - how could @JustLindaSTL not follow @MetroDadNYC - we both have airport acronyms after our names, it was meant to be.

(Sorry, though - married. I hate to let you down hard like this, but it's best to be honest up front. If I'm ever open to an affair, I'll let you know.)

[Rhino1]

you're going to sleep with soooo many girls with glasses from Brooklyn....nice!!

[Natalie]

So Pierre

[Jin]

Wow...you know about Manhattan, KS (aka "the little apple")?

[Natalie]

...I meant to actually post a real comment, not just "So Pierre"....but I am clearly inept at these things...

I was GOING to say

"So Pierre, glad you got with 2010, about damn time. Profile is cute, I think you should have some fun. And if all else fails, judging by the comments from the internet-ladies, you could always score a couple of dates from here!"

Happy trails....or texts (that's more 2010, right?)

[Spencer]

The post and the blog are as always a joy. Your tweet 'Dude, I love you. But I'm from NYC. To me, there's no difference between Iowa and San Diego' still has me in stitches.

[Lisa K.]

Nice to hear a mention of Bosslady. How is she doing? How about a guest post from her?

[Jody from CA]

If I were single, I'd date you. Go get 'em!

[Martina]

The football scholarship to Smith College line made me spray Diet Coke all over my computer. Thanks for making my morning, MD!

[catty]

I so want to make a funny comment here but in all seriousness, I have a friend who writes amazingly well and in his writing, his personality blooms and has every woman's heart a-fluttering. But put him in front of a real living female anything and he shuts down. Not one word. I just hope you're as flamboyant in real life as you are in your writing because you seem ridiculously funny (and just ridiculous also) and you will not die alone. Well, Peanut will hold your hand at least ;)

[Hetha]

Such a bummer, I'm taken.
You're a major catch dude. I envy the lucky lady that lands on your radar.

[Tina]

Trust me, Catty. In person, MD is as nice, outgoing and charming as he is on his blog. Definitely no split personas with him.

[Donna]

I am glad that you joined twitter. You will have a great time. I love to try new things, too. I also, hope that you will find the love of your life. I know that you will enjoy life a whole lot more with a girlfriend.

[Harajuku Girl]

Damn, I may have to join Twitter and Match.com now!

I'd date you!

[Raimie]

Advice: it's a little long for a profile but I think you'd probably only be attracted to someone who took the time to read it. Like a few others have mentioned, most people just look at the photos. I hate that.

[Issa]

Changes are good on the dying alone. However, you may get to go on some entertaining dates in the next few years.

[Ms.V]

HAHA Your profile is awesome, but every woman thinks she fits this category:

I'm looking for someone who is kind, passionate, loving, honest, independent, funny, loyal and intelligent. My perfect match is someone comfortable in her own skin with a high degree of emotional intelligence.

Why don't you just say, look. You have to agree to change. And accept my change. Cuz, we're gonna.

Oh, I followed you. I'm @MsV1959. Good luck! Here's my link to my foray into online dating: http://gymnotes.org/2010/05/28/wherein-online-dating-is-taken-off-the-plate/

[ray lee]

MD, Why go through the dating sites when you have a blog! I'm sure you got like 3498563469034905 women here swooning for you!

Anyway, I met my fiancée through my blog and we're getting married next summer.

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Krissie]

I'm sure you know this is going to either attract the right woman or nobody. Somehow I think you're ok with that. Good luck!

[Gemma]

It's nice to hear that you and Bosslady get along so well that you can even discuss dating with her. I'm not so lucky with my ex. If I speak to him for more than a minute, I get all stabby and remember everything I despise about him.