As I've mentioned before, I can't stand text messaging. Typing in those short bursts always makes me feel like a Japanese school girl. I'm old school. You want to communicate with me? Just pick up the phone and call.
Unfortunately, most of my friends know how much I hate texting so they go out of their way to bombard me with random text messages.
Thankfully, most of my friends are a little off-beat and tend to share my sense of humor. I also have to admit that some of their texts are pretty entertaining. That's why I like saving them until my phone's memory can't hold them any longer.
The following are all about to get purged so I thought I'd write them down here for posterity:
"Does the 3-second rule still apply when you've dropped a baby?"
"Time will eventually show that Vanilli was the more talented of the two."
"I'll bet the hardest part of being a sushi chef is cutting the heads off mermaids."
"Do you think Ben Affleck makes Jennifer Garner put on a hat and pretend she's Matt Damon?"
"Carrie Fisher looks like the love child of Sharon Osborne and Dana Carvey."
"Your daughter couldn't find her classmates at Korean school. She said 'THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!'"
"Hey, you're a foodie. What kind of tacos go well with self-loathing?"
"I have a date tonight and instead of taking Cialis, I think I took an Ambien by mistake. Uh oh."
"I don't mind listening to friends cry but I hate when their tears get in my french fries."
"There's a fine line between dressing like Cinderella and Jon Benet Ramsey."
"Do they make condoms for livers?"
"Chinese food is always better with my eyes closed."
"Wait 5 minutes. I'm about to send you pictures of my vasectomy!"
"Just got a prostate exam from my uncle. Don't think Thanksgiving is ever going to be the same again."
"Why are the Asian children reading books while standing in line at Whole Foods? And all the white urchins are running around with ADD?"
Carl Sr know that his son gives people diarrhea?"
"New million dollar idea: Red Bull smoothies with nicotine in them!"
"If you and Italian Pocahontas had kids, they'd either be amazingly gorgeous or freakishly ugly."
"Don't worry, dude. We'll always be friends. You know way too much."
"Just out of curiosity, how much do you think tits weigh?"
"My daughter just tried to put me in a time-out."
"Do you think it's fair that black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday?"
"Didn't know you
hated cats as much as I do. We should exchange recipes."
"Here's her number. No pressure. Just know that if you screw this up, I will fucking kill you!!!"
"If I were Korean, my rap name would be
"Wife says old people sleep in separate beds because of the snoring.
say it's because they don't want to wake up next to a dead body. What
do you think?"
"Not going to her wedding. Told her I'd go to her next one. She said
"Please, fool! I was doing that back in the 80's while you were teasing your hair
and practicing your backhand."
"Hey, I need to speak to you but my phone is dying. Call me on this number when you get a chance. 401-285-0701. It's important!"
P.S. Feel free to send that last text message to all your friends.
It's funny to see how they react.
What's the most random text message that YOU ever received? An inquiring mind wants to know.