Anyone in their 40's who says that age is just a number is either (1) spending a small fortune on cosmetic surgery, or (2) dating a twenty-year-old.
I am currently forty-one and for the most part, I feel pretty good. However, I've got to admit that maintaining my health and physical appearance has NEVER been harder. If my body were a car, I'd say that it still runs decently but it sure as hell spends a lot of time in the shop these days.
I was recently telling a woman how my body has been banged up with all these little nicks and dents. I had a non-cancerous cyst on my forehead that needed to be removed. My sinuses have been a mess all winter. I sprained an ankle that has limited my mileage on the treadmill. I haven't been sleeping well. My appendix was removed several months ago. And last week, I was in the OR to have an abscess surgically excised. Also, for some reason, my body seems to have developed an insatiable craving for burgers and soup dumplings.
The woman turned to me and said, "Have you ever thought about alternative medicine or New Age treatments?"
Now, when it comes to my health, call me crazy but I'm generally a firm advocate of good old-fashioned, traditional, mainstream, science-based, corporate-funded, evil Western medicine.
Got a headache? Take two Advil.
Stomach feeling a little queasy? Throw down some Pepto.
Anything more serious and I'm in a taxi headed uptown to my Park Avenue diagnostician, a medical genius who has more degrees than a rectal thermometer. If I'm lucky, he'll dismiss me with a prescription for some Vicodin. But if it's anything that could be major, he's known me long enough to know that I'm going to need a team of guys in white lab coats with fancy degrees and even fancier beach houses. When it comes to my health, I'm going with the pros. In times of a serious health crisis, there is no need to be messing around with alternative medicine.
I know I'm not the only one who feels like that.
You ever see what happens when a medical epidemic hits India or Tibet? I don't know about you but it sure does seem like a lot of people are shoving grandma out of the way to get to one of those Red Cross tents.
Whether it's a medical emergency or not, I just don't see how having a patchouli-scented shaman instruct me to drink shark cartilage tea, snort palmetto, and chew deer penis beef jerky is going to have any impact on my overall health. Call me a product of my upbringing.
I don't know.
Maybe part of the reason that I'm not a proponent of alternative medicine is because I barely even understand the jargon.
To me, Ginkgo Biloba is the name of that city in Spain with the new art museum. Aromatherapy is when you fart in a bathtub. And a homeopathic is a male nurse who touches you in funny places.
Anyway...when I asked the woman what types of alternative medicine she would recommend for me, she immediately replied "Acupuncture and Colonics."
Seriously?
I think it was Dennis Miller who once said that acupuncture basically works on the principle of distraction. You're not going to feel the arthritis in your knee when someone is ramming a giant needle in the nape of your neck. It's the same reason your nose never itches when your ankle is caught in a steel bear trap.
As for colonics, the thought of having high-pressure water irrigated into my coin slot sounds about as appealing as running nude sprints with a catheter in my johnson.
But as wary and cynical as I am, I do always pride myself on having an open mind. Basically, I'll give anything a try once. I'm generally a big believer in the philosophy that life is too short to be afraid of trying new things.
So with that thinking in mind, I admit to all of you that I have started experimenting with alternative medicines. (I don't mean actually taking them myself, I mean pretending I've taken them with great success and then recommending them to my friends so they'll take them...and I can see whether they really do work.)
Just kidding.
Actually, I can't find any friends gullible enough to believe me. Apparently I run with a pretty cynical crowd. Surprise!
So, next week, in the name of science, I am scheduled for a round of colonics, an acupuncture session, and a juice-cleansing herbal consultation. I'll keep you posted on all the details. Wish me luck.
While there's a part of me that hopes it works, there's also a bigger part of me that hopes it doesn't. Why? Because in the back of my mind, I'm fairly certain that colonics are a gateway drug to yoga. And as Vishnu is my witness, there is nothing more annoying than a person who does yoga. I'll get into that in another post.
Namaste, bitches!
My dead husband must be channeling you his jokes! I was actually laughing out loud in embarrassing, uncontrollable guffaws at work while reading your blog! Why aren't you 55ish and living in Texas?!!!
Love, love, love your sense of humor and outlook on life.
Namaste indeed!
Posted by: J.M. Cook | March 10, 2010 at 01:37 PM
That post is hilarious! I just went through similar stuff, thought I was having a heart attack, had 9 billion tests done and they told me it's anxiety, all i could think was damn I'm getting old.
Posted by: Mid Life Spin | March 10, 2010 at 01:55 PM
A couple of years ago, I sprained my ankle pretty badly. Because I was in Chicago at the time, I couldn't see a doctor because my insurance only covered MD, where I was working. When I got back, I went to the ER and saw a PA. That wasn't helpful and I even saw an orthopedist a couple of times. I was taking Aleve and months later, my ankle was still bothering me. At my mom's insistence, I saw an acupuncturist. After thirty uncomfortable minutes, and some blood, my ankle still hurt. I think that, like hypnotism, acupuncture only works if you want it to work.
Posted by: enygma | March 10, 2010 at 02:43 PM
I am also a product of my upbringing! Born and raised in America by Chinese immigrant parents, I was made to drink healthy herbal soups every night after dinner. I have an immune system comparable to a bullet-proof tank. My entire family is never sick, excluding my brother because he is the brat that believes the soup does not work and he gets sick every 2 weeks. I am able to share foods with people who have major colds/flus without catching anything. Give it a try, you may be surprised. However, it is all about maintenance so one bowl of soup won't do your system any good. It's a lifestyle that you'll have to keep up with. Hey, if you want to live to your fullest potential with the least amount of bodily functions failing on you, it's an easy choice to make.
Posted by: Bonnie | March 11, 2010 at 04:15 AM
I will admit here that I tried a colonic once. Once! I won't do it again. I know people that love them. They seem to be addicting to those that find them beneficial. My boss (at the time) that paid for mine, swore by them! I have to tell you, a few hours after, I have never gotten so dizzy in my life. I was shaky, sweaty, pale and then I had to use the bathroom in an extreme way! I felt horrible for days, just weakened and abused!
However, I do love acupuncture! It saved me from IBS and Colitis when I was in my 20's after years of Western medicine doing nothing for me! Three sessions of needles and a temporary modified diet and I haven't had issues since (I am in my 40's!).
When my son required surgery on an undescended testicle, we tried acupuncture 1st to attempt to draw it down. He was 10 months old! It didn't work and the surgery was required, but it turned out that the testicle had strangulated on it's way down while still in utero so acupuncture wouldn't have worked!
I love a good chiropractor. That being said, there are a lot of horrible ones too!
And you can't deny the benefits of a good shiastu massage. Cranial-sacral work can ease many conditions from chronic headaches and other neurological issues to TMJ to swallowing problems, babies that can't latch on....
I swear by Osha Root extract for a chest or throat cold. It pushes it out fast!
I don't buy into echinacea and people don't use it correctly anyway (it's a natural antibiotic so it will only work for bacterial issues, not viral-- and just like an antibiotic shouldn't be taken all the time otherwise it doesn't work when it's needed).
I love my neti pot and if you are having allergy/sinus problems, well, my friend, you should neti pot twice a day!
All of this is alternative medicine. Some of it works for some people, some of it doesn't. As long as you use it complimentary with good health and a good Western trained physician and you know your body well enough to know when it's serious or not, it's all great stuff!
Posted by: LogicalMama | March 11, 2010 at 05:18 PM
Glad to 'see' you back here!
Posted by: Eyewhypee | March 11, 2010 at 06:10 PM
Very funny post! New age medicine is a complete load of bobbins, and don't taste as nice as Calpol...
Posted by: Ben | March 12, 2010 at 02:56 PM
When my father was first diagnosed with PLS, an incurable and rare (read: not studied) neurological disease, he turned to alternative medicine. At some dingbat's urging, he dragged me to a macrobiotic dinner. It was a plateful of damp mulch. So on the way home we got McDonalds. And he's never looked back, subsisting on Cherry Coke and Jujyfruit for the last thirty years. You know what? He's still kicking and mighty content considering he struggles to walk and talk.
Posted by: Paige Jennifer | March 12, 2010 at 05:01 PM
Dude, now we know that there's nothing you won't do to impress a woman.
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | March 13, 2010 at 07:26 AM
Used Oregano oil to get rid of a wart. Totally worked. Used acupuncture to cure a sinus infection and improve my sinus health. Totally worked. This infection had been around a year - affected my hearing. Acupuncture totally fixed it. Lost my forearm in an industrial accident. Took Saw Palmetto and it grew back. True story.
Posted by: Pablo Snooze | March 16, 2010 at 07:28 PM
::facepalm::
Twenty-year-old boyfriend. ::raises hand::
Posted by: Ondelyn Banks | March 22, 2010 at 08:17 PM
MD - FINALLY getting a minute to check in on you. Great post, got two more to go!
Yoga is awesome. I know, I know. I felt the same way. After doing a few triathlons, you muscles get really tight and you gotta stay loose. Now that I'm creeping towards 40, I need it more than ever to stay loose and stay strong. You won't feel like a "new man", you'll just feel like yourself, the way you always assumed you felt, but never really did.
P.S. Ganesh is my boy!
Posted by: JRock | March 24, 2010 at 09:58 PM
I'm pretty skeptical of Eastern medicine, but recently my mom had something going on with her neck to the point where she couldn't even move it slightly to the right without being in some extreme pain. As a last resort, she went to this accupressure lady that her Korean friend recommended and wah lah! She said it hurt like hell but after one session the pain was totally gone. So, I don't know, I'm kind of thinking about trying it for my back pain. I mean, nothing else has worked so I figure I've got little to lose.
Hang in there old man!
Posted by: Nina | March 24, 2010 at 11:27 PM
Hilarious post.. Trying alternative medicine isn't a big deal..
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Posted by: Ginkgo biloba | May 22, 2010 at 02:24 AM
Very funny post! It'll be interested to see how you get on. Although I am generally a fan of conventional medication, there are certain conditions which conventional medicine can't help and for these, it can be a case of using Alternative Medicine or nothing. Fibroids being a case in point! Conventional surgical techniques and drugs only treat the symptoms and natural medicine can help eliminate the cause, bringing some relief.
http://www.shrink-fibroids.info
Posted by: Gail Atkinson | May 27, 2010 at 03:53 PM
I love this story of your's. Well all of those things can work for us, it still depend on how our body will respond to it. Definitely, we can give it a try.
Posted by: Plastic surgery Beverly Hills | June 09, 2010 at 10:35 AM
Although I believe in the healing power of alternative medicine, I agree that in times of serious health crisis, we should not mess around with it.
For me though, alternative medicine is effective in keeping us healthy. I don't want to be dependent on drugs whenever I feel something. Well, that's just me.
Posted by: Sean Franco | June 10, 2010 at 12:47 PM
I read the article and I agree. Content interesting and they can be better discussed.i practice this discipline about 10 years and i achieving impressive results. Can you give me questions about it, an answer "all", into limits of my programs. Thanks for permitted my post.Sorry for my language
Lorenzo Grand Master Reiki Usui and Karuna From Italy greets
Posted by: reiki | June 13, 2010 at 06:13 AM
I read the article and I agree. Content interesting and they can be better discussed.i practice this discipline about 10 years and i achieving impressive results. Can you give me questions about it, an answer "all", into limits of my programs. Thanks for permitted my post
Lorenzo Grand Master Reiki Usui and Karuna From Italy greets
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Posted by: Hydrocodone no prescription | June 15, 2010 at 07:42 AM
Very funny post! It'll be interested to see how you get on.Well I read your story and really enjoyed it. I wish everything will go good. Don't leave it.
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I came upon this blog, but I must say I am very happy to have had the opportunity to read and make my comments
I consider this article very interesting and rich in content, would also be very nice to discuss issues that are present in this paper.
They still agree with what you said and I believe we can always find new ideas for improvement.
Thank you very much to enable the vision of my post.
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Posted by: reiki | June 23, 2010 at 06:12 PM
Deer Penis Beef Jerky, that's funny. I have not heard about the benefits of that one. I think I'll pass. Yea, getting older is tough, but it also has some good thing too.
Good Luck!
Posted by: Farmhouse Kitchen Sink | June 24, 2010 at 03:39 PM
Don't feel bad, we all feel that way when we turn 40. When you get close to fifty, 40 will look and feel even better. I am not one who goes to the doctor for every little thing, but you seem to be doing the right thing with your health.
Posted by: Sam | June 27, 2010 at 01:07 AM
I came upon this blog, but I must say I am very happy to have had the opportunity to read and make my comments
I consider this article very interesting and rich in content, would also be very nice to discuss issues that are present in this paper.
Thank you very much to enable the vision of my post.
reiki master inforeiki
Posted by: reiki master | July 05, 2010 at 04:38 PM
I'm pretty sure a "colonic" is not a drug, and I don't think it has anything to do with Yoga either. Although I believe there is some bending involved though. Well, Good Luck!
Posted by: Used Golf Carts | July 06, 2010 at 02:12 AM
This is quite an interesting and comprehensive posting on alternative medicines. I have liked reading this a lot. I think I shall visit this one some time again.
Posted by: Energetic Healing | July 28, 2010 at 04:07 PM
Amen brother my another mother.
Posted by: Frank | July 28, 2010 at 07:53 PM
You may or may not want to believe but there are many a times I have experienced alternative medicine reign over the regular medicine and fair better with the body.Also because every disease is psychosomatic and seeds in the mind when the mind is calmed down and assured then the body is bound to feel better.
Posted by: Pain Elimination | July 29, 2010 at 10:36 PM
Age really does start to show it's ugly head at 40. I am not going to struggle with it. I am going to go along with the ride. I like getting older.
Posted by: Mathew | August 04, 2010 at 12:51 PM
I like your cynical and humorous take on the whole alternative medicine thing. Western medicine is tried and true mostly and has it's place. However it is fascinating to read and hear stories of people who've benefitted from some of the various alternative therapies.
Posted by: David | August 17, 2010 at 08:21 PM
I too found your article amusing, however on the serious side. Alternative medicine has its place and I personally feel it should be used as preventative medicine than healing. I certainly have benefited from alternative medicine; I had suffered from IBS and through Aloe Vera juice treatments have not had any symptom for a few years now. I know it works and with less side effects. None the less I would never say throw out conventional medicine, for it too has its place and maybe we should see how they can compliment each other.
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Posted by: cheap kamagra | October 10, 2010 at 10:42 AM
Great blog, but I like some of your older ones better. Keep it up!
btw: I am dating a twenty year old...lol
Posted by: Acid Reflux Symptoms | October 13, 2010 at 09:55 AM
Love this, it cracks me up! lol. Will definitely be back to check for future posts.
Posted by: natural colon cleanse | October 14, 2010 at 09:35 AM
Awesome post! Made me laugh so hard. Especially because I'm about the same age as you and been having similar thoughts.
Posted by: Rob | October 28, 2010 at 03:03 PM
Well, I still go for anything natural, because of its health benefits.
Posted by: natural health remedies | November 08, 2010 at 10:01 AM
I just wish that people would get rid of this automatic notion that alternative health medicine does not work. Yes, we live in a world full of cynics, but the good thing about that is that cynicism can be changed. It's just a matter of building up enough credibility so that more people will believe that there are many alternative healing methods that actually work. I wish you all the luck in the world, MetroDad!
Posted by: Cleo Pascal | February 18, 2011 at 06:53 AM
Don't feel bad, we all feel that way when we turn 40. When you get close to fifty, 40 will look and feel even better. I am not one who goes to the doctor for every little thing, but you seem to be doing the right thing with your health.
Posted by: Acid reflux | July 29, 2011 at 10:12 AM
I'm not considering alternative medicine either. I'm just not sure there is much that would cause me to voluntarily sign up for a colonic.
Posted by: Miranda | December 15, 2011 at 06:23 AM
Try a reduced carbs diet plan -- and cut out grain for per weeks time and see how you feel. Fresh vegetables, various meats and butter are excellent.
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It is a destruction of bigger joint parts resulting in discomfort that is angry by exercising and enhanced with rest. Older age, being overweight, past accidents and recurring activities can give rise to it. Although the neck does not generally have symptoms, it can be impacted. To keep sufficient range of flexibility, reduce discomfort, and reduce rigidity, do neck workouts that expand and enhance the muscle tissue and muscle.
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