Confessions of a Reality TV addict

Normally I never watch Hollywood-type awards shows because the only thing I hate more than celebrities is the mind-numbing public adoration of them.

If you spend any time with actors or actresses, the first thing you notice is how little they have to say. In fact, any real substance is inversely related to how much they like to talk. Most of them tend to be intellectually bereft vessels of abject need with over-sized egos as fragile as Tiger Woods' marriage.

Their constant need for approval and attention is usually only matched by their sense of self-righteousness and entitlement. I have a pet theory that the only people with similar psychological make-ups are serial killers, pro athletes, U.S. Senators and brain surgeons.

Fuck, I forgot where I was going with all this.

Oh yeah...awards shows.

Last week, I was watching the Academy Awards on television with a few friends. As we were talking, we realized that none of us had watched any of the movies that were nominated for awards. In fact, a few of hadn't even heard of the nominated movies.

This was surprising for many reasons. Here we were, a bunch of Ivy-educated, successful, cosmopolitan, cultured and sophisticated New Yorkers---yet we could barely remember the last time we'd even been to the movies.

We're all voracious readers. We attend concerts, plays, lectures, art exhibits, and other cultural events. Yet when it came to film, how was it possible that we were so far removed from the cultural zeitgeist?

As the night went on, we began to analyze the depths of our situation and realized that our primary source of entertainment these days came solely from one singular source.

Reality television.

That's right. Give us Jersey Shore, American Idol, Real Housewives, The Bachelor, America's Next Top Model, Top Chef, Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeover, Intervention, America's Best Dance Crew, Hell's Kitchen, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Celebrity Apprentice---the list literally goes on and on. 

Now, I'm sure there's a Marshall McLuhan scholar out there who can explain how reality television merely reflects who we are as a society. Surely, our love of these shows connotes something about our values, doesn't it? Are they simply guilty pleasures or is there a deeper subtext to our devotion to them?

Quite honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

The only meta question I ever ask myself about reality television is when I'm watching "Cops" and I think, "Why the hell is that crazy bitch running down the street in her underwear?"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not judgmental. The creator of "Cops" is actually a close family friend and while I disagree with his view that the show is a revolutionary mise-en-scene study of urban decay in modern America, I am extremely envious of the fact that his toughest daily decision is which private jet to fly to his private winery. 

I just can't believe how pervasive reality television has become. More importantly, I can't believe how much I enjoy it.

My favorite reality shows are the voyeuristic "fly on a wall" shows like "Jersey Shore" or "Housewives." Watching people voluntarily auction off their privacy and openly humiliate themselves for two minutes of fame is the television equivalent of sitting down on your couch to watch a impending train wreck. I can't get enough of it.

Personally, I could never subject myself to this level of invasion of privacy. Last year, a television production company approached me about turning MetroDad into a reality television show...starring myself. 

First, I told them I couldn't imagine anything more boring in the entire universe. Second, I explained that when I'm by myself, I do things that I would never do if I knew I was being videotaped. I'm not just talking about picking my nose or farting on my daughter's head. Hell, I clip my fingernails with my mouth. I guzzle hot sauce right out of the bottle. And while I'm ashamed to admit it, most of my free time is spent lying on the couch naked reading the New Yorker while eating beef jerky and sipping scotch. Not exactly titillating entertainment.

Aside from the voyeuristic reality shows (which I like to think that I enjoy purely from a socio-anthropological basis,) my other favorite reality TV shows are of the competition-based genre.

Although I'm not the hugest fan of the show, my daughter absolutely LOVES watching "American Idol." It's one of our favorite shows to watch together. As an ardent fan of democracy, I enjoy the populist approach to selection that the show offers. However, I've always been amazed at the show's enormous popularity. Every week, tens of millions of Americans tune in to watch and cast their votes. It's truly revolutionized television.

My only theory on the show's success is based on the fact that everyone knows tits sell. And who on television has bigger tits than Simon Cowell?

People seem to still love "Survivor." Personally I have a very soft spot in my heart for "Survivor." My favorite season was the one where they divided teams based on race. The fact that Korean-American superhero Yul Kwon won the entire competition had an enormous impact on my life. For a brief period, he was the most famous Asian-American person on the planet. For an even briefer period of time, people on the subway stopped saying to me, "You know who you look like? Margaret Cho!"

In all seriousness, I don't know where reality television can go next. I'd love to see networks take things to the next level and start double-layering the shows and cross-pollinating concepts.

Like how about having the "Housewives of New York" take on the cast of "Jersey Shore" in a "Survivor"-type battle of the fittest on a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific? Wouldn't you pay big money to see Kelly Bensimon beat the crap out of Snookie?

Or maybe we need to re-invent the genre so that we're all stars in our own reality show. I have several ideas for shows in this genre. However, the one I'm pitching next season is called "Are You Really Going to Eat All That?" and it involves simply mounting video cameras atop the carving station at The Old Country Buffet. 

Anyway, I could probably go on and on for hours about my love of reality television. My theory on why reality television appeals to the highly intelligent alone could take up another 5 pages. Unfortunately, I've got to stop writing right now.

Why?

Because Bravo is running a "Millionaire Matchmaker" marathon, bitches!

By the way, please tell me I'm not alone in my love of reality television. What's your favorite reality show? And why do you enjoy it so much? C'mon. Spill it. An inquiring mind wants to know.

Comments

[nora]

I watch only HGTV, so what does that say about me? I'd never,ever watch American Idol, or Survivor. But, give me a home-decorating show, or buying a house someplace I'll never live, and I'm glued to the TV.

[Maggie]

Forever and always The Amazing Race.

[tellos]

Wow, reallity tv is the reason I don't watch TV.

[Elisson]

I'm afraid to admit that even though tonight's Marriage Ref show - which will feature a guy who collects hotel soap - is not about me, it's about me anyway.

BTW, your tagline - "Poppycock from a Cocky Pop" - is sheer frickin' genius.

[chillin in IA]

Let us not forget Hoarders, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Celebrity Rehab, Sober House, Ice Road Truckers, Bridezillas, Trading Spouses, Undercover Boss...... I <3 U reality TV :)

[ParentopiaDevra]

What we need is a return of "Battle of the Network Stars", only have it be reality TV.

And I say this coming from my sanctimonious perch where I watch The People's Court.

And I once wrote a post entitled "I am Bravo's Bitch" which I am. Totally.

[Hanni]

Ahhh....that's what it is...I'm SUPER intelligent!!! My favorites are Survivor (I've watched every season, I think), American Idol (a new fave), Deadliest Catch, The Alaska Project...oh, and can't forget Rock of Love with Brett Michaels (are those women for REAL???)! There are lots of others I've watched and enjoyed, too. I even applied to be on Survivor a couple times, and after sending them a video of me shooting an aspirin out of the air (that someone tossed) with a bow and arrow they didn't pick me! Can you believe that? I was just too good for that show. But I still enjoy watching it!

Oh, and the fingernail thing? I do that, too. But usually if I'm eating something out of the bottle it's whipped cream...

[kittenpie]

I'm now kind of wondering what it says about me that I don't give a fuck about reality television. The people on those shows annoy me, and since I can't actually leap through the screen to slap them, what's the point of watching to be annoyed? I just can't muster up any caring about the stupid drama, to be honest. Perhaps I'm antisocial.

So instead, I'm all Criminal Minds, Castle, House, that sort of thing. Something where there's a puzzle to be solved hooks me.

[The Patchwork Beat Mad Hatter]

Who is Metrodad?

At the old-young age of 41 Metrodad is a leading-edge relic of Postmodern Capitalism, the final hurrah of a generation lost between boom and bust.

He is a yellow Bud Fox, an optimistic Woody Allen, ineffectual to the point of tragic, his hubris providing the only comic relief.

Living the retarding dream of “ivy inclusion,” Metrodad failed to learn hard lessons young, survive his time and surface a man, he so remains an un-mentored boy, unable to outpace the achievements of his female counterparts.

Metrodad’s accomplishments and life’s experiences exist only to serve his brand, one that he promotes with a well-conceived mixture of spurious megalomania and crippling self-doubt.

Metrodad is among the last descendants of a bygone era, a not-so-great grandson at the bedside of a wheezing, dying corporate patriarch, forced by intricate dependencies to secure a trust by hawking the final drips of his self-worth and masculinity. :(

[enygma]

I think I watched only one season of Project Runway and one season of Top Chef, and that last one only because it was set in Chicago.

[Leanne K]

There's a new one on CBS Undercover Boss, Amazing Race, American Idol, Hell's Kitchen, sometimes DWTS, the Bachelor, Bachelorette. If i had cable i would watch Project Runway, (used to catch Jon and Kate), just to name a few.

[Grandmother]

You are not alone, Project Runway, Biggest Loser, Millionaire Matchmaker and Top Chef are my favorites. However, I do make time to go to the movies, too. An Education would appeal to your crowd, as would A Single Man, while not nominate for best picture, Colin Firth was nominated for best actor.

[Paige Jennifer]

Guilty. During commercials, I call my sister to gab about the drama. Our parents must be so proud.

[Laura]

16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore, Real Housewives (of every city), Millionaire Matchmaker, The Hills, The City, Kell on Earth...you name it...I watch it! Of course my husband LOVES movies so he's always trying to watch reruns of something featuring Eddie Murphy and I want to stick a pen in my eye!

[Sandra Chin]

Strictly from a socio-anthropological slant, I think reality shows fill the present day need of community in our diasporic universe. It also makes us appreciate our own kith & kin more- I mean,can you imagine having such inane siblings as the Kardashians or having a mothers group as bitchy as the "Real Housewives" ???

[Kim]

I'm not sure that Dancing with the Stars counts as reality, but I love that show. It's riviting to watch someone like Pamela Anderson "dance" if that's what you want to call what she did. Watching 80 yr old Buzz Aldrin dance made me cry. It's really brave to dance when you suck.

I'd watch you in a reality show if you promise to do that thing on the couch. Just Kidding.

[Amber Star]

I was just telling my husband, as I read your blog, that people who use and understand how to use and what zeitgeist means freaks me out. At that point he snapped to attention and dug into the depths of his college German to tell me that it is only time spirit. That really cleared it up for me. Thanks.

[Amber Star]

Ok, I opened my book before reading all of the problem. The only reality show we watch is "So You Think You Can Dance" and I LOVE IT. The others are merely pale shadows fading in the brilliance of SYTYCD.

Personally I like "Sons of Anarchy", but my kids are grown. :)

[Hannah]

and what about qvc? Try it out

[Justin]

The reason why "reality tv" is popular is probably more of a statement of how horrible media/entertainment has become. It is a pursuit of cutting corners and creating margin so far to a point then not only are we getting less value entertainment as a society but we also have conformed to actually "enjoying" it. I guess we figure that actors are actually just overpaid reality stars then if I were a media conglomerate I would pay no names for the same product less the costs. Sad state. Although I do watch BB, Amazing Race, Real Worlds, Survivor, etc.... shame.....

[Tim]

I think that reality tv is popular is because that is the only thing on. The cable channels play rerun after rerun everyday. If you want to escape from the real world, than you have to watch what is on the tv. I hate to say that I put the tv on the news channel and watch the same old news hour after hour, with the mute on. I really need to get a life.

[Boom Trucks]

reality TV turns the intelligent into toy trucks loving, nascar racing, ball scratching morons. TV in general is killing us physically and mentally.

[Becky]

I think we all like our tv programs. I schedule my afternoons around them. That is just life.

[Mag]

It is so hard not to fall into that trap. They do not make original programs any more. I can really see your point.

[new balance]

I want that my love to you will turn into bright sunlight so that to warm your heart. Do you like it?

[erik]

While both Lauren and Kent were wonderful dancers, Kent does not yet have the upper body strength to pull off many of the dance styles that involve lifting and catching his partner. He will grow into it. Lauren had strength, grace and the ability to dance every style given to her. She deserved the win. congratulations to her!

[New Balance]

A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.Do you understand?

[New Balance]

Promises may get thee friends, but nonperformance will turn then into enemies.Do you understand?

[gucci shoes]

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I don't like the realities show, actually the only one that I watched was Survivor in it first season, the others are a total piece of crap, specially Big Brother, dude I really hate that program.

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