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August 03, 2009

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MetroDude

We love you too, MD. Good to have some old fashioned "just deliver the fucking drywall" humor from you again. You make me laugh. Leather and Duran Duran ... Brilliant.

JJ Daddy Baby Momma

Try the non-sequiturs at the meet-n-greet. Triple dog dare you!

Kylie

Nice to have you back, MD. Despite your dark side and your weird sense of humor, your complete and total love for the Peanut always shines through brightly. She's lucky to have you.

Richard

I feel your pain, MD. I'm completely anti-social. I hate meeting new people. When my daughter started kindergarten, I found myself being forced to make chit chat with all the other parents. It was so painful that I wanted to take a Xanax for every afternoon pickup. I wish our kids went to the same school so I'd have someone with whom to commiserate. Bummer!

Jomama

Beautiful, Man.

Isabelle

My husband and I have recently decided to get divorced. There were many reasons. I won't get into them here. The biggest one may have been that he was unable to communicate or express any love for our children. You did it in a few paragraphs for your daughter. I think I made the right decision. That was beautiful.

JDG

I fucking love you, man.

eunice t.

The peanut really is blessed to be loved so much. I'm glad she's adjusting well. I wish my parents were as comfortable as you are in expressing thier love for me verbally.

Kara

I wish my father had been half the man that you are, MD. I think it would have made a difference. Your daughter is a lucky girl and I'm sure someday she'll realize just how lucky she is. You're a rare breed of guy. Hope you're doing ok.

a fan

the process of ending a marriage with kids is its own kind of hell. mine was finalized a year ago. things are better now. my 6 yr old girl is still thriving. hope you are ok. who ever knows what is coming or what is right. we just do our best. thanks for writing down your thoughts in a blog.

Estelle

You make me laugh until you make me cry, MD. I don't know what's going on in your personal life but you're an amazing father. The Peanut will be just fine.

Stefania/CityMama

Thanks for ruining Whole Foods for me forever. And French girls, for that matter.

thisislarry

wait, you can tell strangers in line "Jesus take the wheel" but you can't ask a fellow dad what his favorite vegetable is? Maybe just treat the whole kinder parent meet and greet as a chance to try out a whole suitcase full of non sequitors!

MT

Great post MD.

WP

Hate to inform you, MD, but being forced to meet and interact with other parents solely because of your children? Sucks more than you can even possibly imagine! Good luck.

Jason G.

Welcome back, MD.

Jrock

BOOOOOMMMM! Excellent Chaos Theory post and plenty to sustain us for a bit, hope you're not gone for too long though. Peace and Humptiness forever!

ang

FUNNY as hell and eye-glistening touching all in the same post. Love it. Love you.

We know you're busy, but we're selfish and we want you to continue to post. :) Otherwise I'll have to have Lagavulin delivered to your door and see if it disappears to know if you're still alive and well. :)

Jason

Dude, I feel your pain! The kindergarten mixer is never fun. I know nothing about you and you won't tell me a damn thing aside for where you work?

My wife wonders why I bring my iPod.

The freakin parents I deal with anymore are so one-dimensional it makes me wonder if they have a central nervous system, or if I should be looking for the pods.

Best of luck, man, take care of your head first. We'll wait for ya!

teufelkindsvater

Ha! I've got the PRESCHOOL meet & greet coming up... preschool! WTF!
It's a good private preschool and I'm already dreading the 'pretend-riche' parents who feel the need to get fully kitted up to drop their kids off.

There's a good reason why I wear a t-shirt and shorts/jeans... I had to wear a suit for 10 years straight, and will probably have to again when the little devil starts school full time.
I'm going to enjoy the hell out of my 'casual time' while I can, and no sour faced, stuck-up, 'fancy mom' is going to change THAT.

Kristin

Sometimes I read your posts and get sad for a father I never had. Don't get me wrong. My dad was always around. He was just a shitty dad. I was his daughter and he never ever told me he loved me. The Peanut is lucky to have you.

Celeste

OMG, kindergarten. As a parent, it's like fucking being enlisted. The school calendar runs your life. Daycare or preschool, they pretty much worked for you. It's the other way around with real school. They'll tell you how it's gonna go down. The picnic mixer is too long. All you really need is an open house at school so your kid can see the new place to know it has a toilet. Five year olds keep it real, man.

Paige Jennifer

Whenever you share your expiring text messages, I have to put down my drink to avoid snarfing. Always brilliant.

And the last part? For a moment, you made me think I just might want to procreate. Then I remembered that time at work (Banana Republic) when a little kid lifted her skirt, dropped her panties and peed all over the place. The mother, of course, was too busy checking out handbags to notice. I found my manager and said, "Hey, can I take my break? Do you want a lemonade from Auntie Anne's? Oh, and some kid just pissed on the area rug by the shoes but I don't get paid enough to give a shit. See you in fifteen!"

Kevin Mack

August---that time of year where we learn where Brett Favre is going to play next year and when my therapist always takes a month off for vacation. Laugh at the former, cry at the latter.

RookieMom Heather

Rather than going to the meet and greet, can you send your URL to Peanut's class thereby avoiding all idle chit chat and inviting them into your deep dark secrets?

GinaD

I always wish you would write here MORE and now you tell us that you might be taking a little break? One of my favorite things is coming into work in the morning and seeing that you've written a new post. Don't stay away too long. Please!

Finn

"Despite the fact that I'm a genuinely affable guy, I hate being forced to meet new people. Idle chit chat bores the crap out of me and in all honesty, I suck at it. I don't care what you do, who you know, how much you make, or where you live. I'd rather know your favorite author, band, or vegetable. Just give me something so we can connect on a somewhat deeper level.

Because if you don't, I'm sorry but unfortunately I also suck at feigning interest."

This is me all over. Except that I'm a woman.

I've now officially delurked. Let the idle chit chat begin.

Isabel

I feel your pain, MD. I hate dealing with the parents at my daughter's school. I'm perfectly willing to make chit chat with them but it's so painful and the whole time I'm just waiting for a tiny opening so I can bolt out of there. The worst part is that I have a terrible memory for names so I'm always greeting the parents by saying "Hey...you!"

It started in kindergarten. I hate to tell you but it only gets worse. Good luck!

Gayle K.

Reading the previous post and then this one, just brings tears to my eyes. You rock MD. Peanut is one lucky little girl to have two great parents, even if one is slightly off his rocker some days. Good luck with everything. Keep those hilarious Peanut stories coming.

Kim F.

Your list of expiring text messages makes me feel like I need to find funnier friends at times. =) Best of luck to you in all your various ventures. It sure sounds like you have enough work cut out for a whole team of people rather than just one person!

P.S. - That old t.v. series about an extremely resourceful secret agent is spelled "MacGyver".

Nikki

My sister married into a family like the Stockdales and has been fully indoctrinated. It's insane. We grew up in the nice suburbs of Chicago and feel like she's joined a cult. Every time we see her, we're like "who the fuck are you and what have you done with our sister?" Damn rednecks.

kady

Loo is starting kindergarten in NYC in a month too. Thems shit's the shizzle, yo.

Katie

I once made a diaper out of some paper towels, a chamois cloth and a freezer bag. Why didn't I think of a maxi pad?!?

Mary Grace

I love this post. I almost cried by the end. My father would never explicitly say that he loves his daughters but I don't need to ask. I already know.

Sara P.

Every time I sat on my father's lap and asked him endless questions, he'd shove me off and say "go ask your mother." And the bastard wonders why we're not that close now.

The Peanut is lucky to have you as her father.

landismom

Go the mixer, MD. You will find that one other person in the crowd who is hanging back, not really wanting to talk to anyone else. You'll ask them the questions that YOU are interested in, not the socially normative ones that are boring. You'll make snarky comments about all the other people. You'll become friends.

Then, about six months later, she'll finally tell you the truth about her life--she's a lesbian stripper.

Trust me, I speak from personal experience--and I don't even live in NYC.

KarenheartsMegan

I'm a new mom to a 3 month-old girl and the conversation you had with your daughter, brought tears to my eyes.

Half Cleveland Dad

A friend was telling me about a "promise oath" that one of her daughter's friends was taking: apparently some pseudoreligous ceremony in which the 16-year old girl swore not to have sex, drink, or do drugs until she was older. Friend suggested it would be "interesting" to see what I would do if my daughter had the same idea (in 14 years). I said I'd try to rescue her from the cult.

The meet and greet, though: new school, new teachers, new friends, new marital status, new hot moms....

Good luck in all things. You've been my daddybloggin' polestar.

P2H

That Jimmy Fallon is a funny guy. So are your friends' text messages. Wait, their text messages aren't funny guys. I mean that your friends' texts are funny.

jr

No better place to practice non-sequiturs than on fellow kindergarten parents, that will throw 'em for a loop.

Good luck with the single dad thing, I am four months+ in the same boat on the wrong coast with a 4 y.o.

I have Walden and a Disraeli biography on the nightstand this week. Read anything new worth recommending?

Aimee

I wanted to make a comment to your previous post, but 1. there were so many and 2. I wasn't sure if you'd read them all. You did and you rock! I'm so sorry to read about your divorce. Your family will be in my thoughts and I'm sending you good, hopeful vibes.

I'm right there with you on the Kindergarten thing. Even if your child is in daycare, sending them to school is like sending them into the lion's den. You're just sending your child into the big, bad world and you can't protect her from anything. It's awful!

AWESOME that you and Peanut get to share those moments. We're having some here, too. Enjoy them while we can, because before we know it, our daughters will be asking for the car keys!

amyB

MD: I'm just now starting to read through your archives, and you are fucking hilarious. It's especially fun when I read in the beginning about what you think or wonder what Peanut will be like... it's just great. You are an excellent writer! What ever happened to the sitcom deal? PUHLEASE. All American Girl didn't satiate my Korean/American role model need on TV.

TJ

1. I'll be the only Mom at that kindergarten meet & greet with the flask, reading the news on her blackberry.

2. Your saved texts put mine to shame. I pissed myself laughing.

3. Your heartwarming story of the 5 year old and construction crew? THAT WAS ME.

4. Daughters are lovely. That hug will always be needed - except when we're between the ages of 13 and 17 and want you to disappear.

SciFi Dad

After what feels like years of conditioning, we have that last part down to a science.

"Daddy, cheesecake is my favourite. I love it."

"I like it too."

"What do you love?"

"Who do I love?"

"Me."

(Yeah, it's sappy as shit. Sue me.)

Steve B.

I couldn't read anything past the cod liver oil. Brought back too many painful memories. My grandma used to make me take that stuff and I swear it was like poison.

Tamblina D

I am so using "Jesus take the wheel, yo!" the next time anyone says anything about God or Jesus to me.
I live in TX right now...I would agree with you: rednecks are funny motherfuckers. Enough said.

JYN

Is there a purer form of joy than hipster self-congratulation?

Charles

Hilarious and lovely post, MD.

echar

MD, hope you keep posting. I've learned a lot from reading your dark thoughts which will be used in my quest for world domination, or next time someone pisses me off. Best wishes as you navigate your new life.

ShotgunDaddy

1. Just last night one of our neighbors hosted a meet and greet barbecue in honor of National Night Out (I'm not sure if this is real or made up). As I walked up to the group of thirty strangers, I finally understood what's meant by the phrase "Dead Man Walking."

2. "If those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the mother-fucking sheet rock!" I've got nothing after that.

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