Three for Tuesday

EMPTY THREATS, KOREAN DEATH STARES, AND JENNIFER ANISTON 

Once kids realize that you're not serious about a threat, you're fucking toast.

This past weekend, we were at The Doctor's house in the Hamptons. We had a fantastic time playing in the pool, taking the kids to the beach, chasing them around the backyard, and cooking all weekend. By the time we got home on Sunday night, we were exhausted.

When we walked inside the apartment, I told Peanut that if she didn't immediately take a bath, then she couldn't have any dinner. She started to whine until I couldn't take it anymore so I made her a sandwich and let her go to bed. 

The next night when I told her to take a bath, the Peanut tried to get out of it by telling me, "You said I wouldn't get dinner last night but I did."

Needless to say, I shot her my KDDS (Korean Daddy Death Stare) and she was in that tub faster than you could shout, "Girl overboard!"

Empty threats are dangerous. Not only do you have to be able to back up your threats but you've also got to be aware of the stakes involved.

If not, next thing you know, you're Jennifer Aniston telling Brad Pitt, "If you don't spend more time with me, I'm leaving you"...and having no idea that Angelina Jolie was waiting in the wings!

DRIVING IN THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL

Driving back into NYC, we were stuck behind a pick-up truck who, for about 100 miles, had its turn signal on. What did you think that clicking noise was, buddy?  The explosion of neurons misfiring in your cerebral cortex?

We would have tried to pass him but I was too terrified by the woman driving while drinking a 64-ounce Big Gulp of Orange Crush, putting on her mascara, and texting on her iPhone. The woman was swerving all over the road like Nick Nolte on a 3-day bender.

Now, as most of you know, I'm a pretty laid-back guy. The only time my temper rises is when I'm in the car. Usually I don't have to worry about negatively influencing the Peanut because she has this amazing ability to sleep in the car. I can be blasting Jay-Z with the windows open for 5 hours and the Peanut won't wake up for a single second. So every once in awhile, I'll yell out at another driver or mumble an insult under my breath.

I immediately stopped doing this a few months ago when a woman cut me off on the Long Island Expressway and I heard a sleepy little voice coming from the back seat saying, "That woman drives like a mofo, right daddy?"

THE GRASS IS SOMETIMES GREENER

Last month I was at dinner with friends. All of us were parents except for a buddy of mine who remains happily single and childless. A few of the women were giving my buddy a hard time, accusing him of secretly wanting a relationship and desiring children. I have no idea why women always want all of their friends to be married. Does anyone know the answer?

At some point in the evening, all the parents started whining and bemoaning the fact that they had to go home soon in order to wake up early to coach soccer practice, go on a Costco run, take the kids to a birthday party, clean the house, attend a PTA meeting, cook dinner for the in-laws, and help the kids with their homework. 

Right around this time, my buddy got up and sat down next to the mom who had previously been giving him such a hard time. With a shit-eating grin on his face, he looked her right in the eye, threw down a double shot of tequila, and said, "''I am a little bit jealous, you're right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go do whatever I feel like doing, all the time!''

He then left the table to hit on the hostess of the restaurant.

But if you listen real closely, you can still hear him laughing his ass off.

Comments

[soktheary]

LMAO. KKDS. my husband definetly has that when our daughter runs into the kitchen, and starts destroying the pantry for no aparent reason....(shes 15 months)

[Ben]

Your buddy may have stolen that line from David Spade's character in Rules of Engagement, word for word...
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20013830,00.html

[MetroDad]

Not surprising, Ben. He watches that show constantly. I think David Spade is some sort of demented role model for him. Charlie Sheen too.

[Rohini]

"I have no idea why women always want all of their friends to be married."

... because misery loves company? ;)

[talda]

ooh, i get the KMDS and it still freezes me to this day. and i'm 27. hopefully the death stare is genetic. cuz if my future kids end up like me, i'm definitely gonna need it.

and the phenomenom of women wanting their friends to get married too...still have no clue. and i've been feeling that pressure since i was 22. it's almost as if they forget that we have other things in common. like the things that sustained our friendship before they got married. strange.

[NG]

I'm extremely bothered by people who think that if you're not doing what they're doing, you clearly must be living your life without purpose. I think people just need to see others doing the same thing to feel good about their own choices. More power to him.

Oh and I can totally empathize with you on the threat thing too... I'm afraid backing down even for a minute will result in my car missing, the money from the safe gone and a late night call to pick up my toddler from a cat house in Vegas.

[Julie Kang]

I just teared up a bit at the freedom your buddy has. Yes, the grass sure was green; didn't know it at the time, though. Just the freedom to sleep when you're sleepy...sigh.

[Stacy]

Dude, is the doctor single? He's hot!

[Mary]

lol. that's funny (the last one). i only want my friends who WANT to be married to be married. the single ones who are happy being single, let them be. =)

[Jamie]

I wonder how the KDDS compares to the IDDS (Irish Daddy Death Stare.) My dad had a Hall of Fame one. Guy could freeze you in your tracks from 100 yards away.

[MIKD]

I think that woman driving while drinking a 64-ounce Big Gulp of Orange Crush, putting on her mascara, and texting on her iPhone was my wife. She likes to think she's a multi-tasking driver. The 4 dents in her car prove otherwise.

[joan]

You made my morning. Brought back memories from when my daughter was still at home.
If people don't want to get married, why should they! :)

[Jazzhands]

As a child-free and husband-free woman, I can tell you that it's not just some of my female friends who think I'd be better off married with kids - my male friends do the same thing. I actually do want to be married and possibly have kids, but I certainly don't think I'm less because I'm not married or a parent. Though it does seem clear that others see me as less....

Love the KDDS. If I do decide to make my life more meaningful (!) and have kids, then I plan on using my black lady stare on them. Hey, it works on my dog.

[MidwestGal]

Kudos to your single friend. Love what he said to the lady. I'm a SWF who constantly feels pressured (esp by family) about marriage and kids. I have no qualms about enjoying my life at present and letting them all wonder how and why I can be so happy. I think my boyfriend of three years feels the same way. We would both like kids someday, but as divorcees we don't have any superficial or romantic notions about rushing things.

[jqt]

The KDDS is a classic, but I think it applies to all Asian fathers in general. I'm pretty sure my father's stare could punch holes in the ozone layer. MY uncle's stare usually slowed me down, but would stop my cousins' in their tracks.

Although I'm not married or a father, I somehow developed mine over the years. My nephews/nieces, younger cousins, and friends all freeze and generally comply when that look crosses my face. Even my sister's cat responds to it.

I think it's genetic.

[Holmes]

Man, I've gotta develop a WDDS. That sounds like a handy trick.

I shouldn't be ratting her out like this, but my wife is the queen of the empty threat. "Babe," I say, "you know we're not going to take all of his toys away if he doesn't eat his broccoli. Come on."

[Kira]

Is your single friend as good looking as you and the Doctor?

[JYN]

Single women tend to continue their educations and get good jobs. Single men tend to play video games.

[Captain Dumbass]

Your buddy is awesome. What is it with woman and trying to marry everybody off? It's like a disease.

[Linda]

It's funny (in a not so funny way) when kids repeat us, but hilarious when they use our acronyms!

[Kelly]

I'm from Singapore and have been a silent reader for years now.. for the 1st time I feel like I want to answer your question and with a lot of passion! :p

Personally, the reason why I secretly wish all my friends were married, is because we'll all be on the level in terms of recent topics. If we get married at the same time, we can talk about wedding preps together, if we have children, we can gush about those 1st kicks in our tummy together and so on, you get the drift.

I would be really upset if I were going through all of the times stated above by myself (and probably the best times of my life) without being able to share them with my good friends and have them understanding what it feels like.

Perhaps for women, it is important that close friends are able to keep up with each other in order to stay in each others' life.

That's what I think, at least.

[andi]

have you seen that commercial for rollover minutes, where that mom is talking to her son in the car? he mouths off to her and she just stares at him with this LOOK in her eyes, like she's SO mad, but not saying anything. i'm laughing my ass off just thinking about it, because that is exactly what the death stare looks like to me. its not so funny when asians do it (i guess my dad was pretty scary when i was growing up), but when that woman does it, it cracks me up.

[Lola]

hmm I am from Malaysia and I must say I give killer look to my little one:) It works all the TIME!

I am a single mum, i have problem talking to men because all the time the only question they seem to be asking is' why don't u find someone, you know u have ur needs too' Yeah we all have our urges n needs but hey I that's not the most important thing in my life right now.PERIOD. just because a man can't live without thinking abt sex and wanting it 24/7, it doesn;t mean I have to do the same.

LIfe goes on, someday one donkey will walk into my life,till then I am enjoying my single parenthood, making my own decisions, doing whatever that pleases my child and I with no donkey telling us how to live our life.

I wish men for once can think with the head on top and leave me in peace!

in today's world to have a man must have money, yes men are gold diggers too!

[Maternal Mirth]

Even in my sleep, I, too, can hear him laughing. Or it could be my kids as they plan my demise...

[Lexy]

That's why I love being a nanny! I have the best of both worlds! I can have fun playing with the kids, and get my "mommy" urges out of the way and then go out and party and get wasted that night....granted it's the weekend and I don't have work the next day!

[gytu5]

Oh yes Kelly, don't we all wish our girlfriends will get pregnant at the same time as us so we can all gush together over those 1st kicks in our bellies, as we skip along under rainbows, and pink gummi gumdrops dance in the sky? Golly, that's TOTALLY what I wish for from my female companions!

Kelly, you are a 'tard of the highest order.

[Jason]

OMFG! YES! Another great entry from MD! I love it all, but my favorite has to be the last story, as well as the driver.

As far as every woman thinking we all want to get married...dear gods, it's not true! But then again, I can still party up as hard as the next guy. I pay for it, but its all in the price of fame, right?

[jen]

Hilarious as always, MD... though growing up in my house it was my mom who had the Killer Korean Stare of Death, my dad was much more of the softie (then again, if you ever got into trouble with him you knew it was ON and you were screwed).

No kids/husband for me, but if I ever have them I am so hitting up my mom for advice on how to use the Korean Mom Stinkeye for my own benefit...

[nonlineargirl]

People want others to make the same choices they have in order to validate those choices. (why else would people get all up in arms about all the child-rearing crap: circumcision/cry it out/attachment parenting/training wheels...) How will I know that I have done things right unless everyone else does them that way too?

[Jrock]

I wonder if I have a BDDS (Bolivian Daddy Death Stare)? I'll find out soon enough when baby girl arrives and two seconds later she's doing exactly what I asked her NOT to do.

[Jill]

It's funny cause my husband and I feel the opposite about single people. He thinks that everyone secretly wants to be married and have kids while I think some people are perfectly happy being alone their whole lives.
Go figure.

[Big Pumpkin]

Ouch, to Jennifer Aniston!

[Mary]

I never liked giving punishments because I felt like I was being punished, too. I knew that I had to do it sometimes, but only when I really had to.

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I find life an exciting business,The point is succinctness of expression.

[Andrea]

I agree with never getting someone punished for the fear that what we have done will slap back right on our face. Even you really have to but the same must be done in a constructive way.

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I am not interested in starting an admin-artist civil war. I think the antagonism between those two camps is in general a bad thing, and it's worth noting that the vast majority of theater staff employees could make more money using their same skills in another industry, so it's not like they're in general making out lsadfike bandits. The ADs whose salaries we were talking about in the theatrosphere last year are the exceptions, not the rule.

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