EMPTY THREATS, KOREAN DEATH STARES, AND JENNIFER ANISTON
Once kids realize that you're not serious about a threat, you're fucking toast.
This past weekend, we were at The Doctor's house in the Hamptons. We had a fantastic time playing in the pool, taking the kids to the beach, chasing them around the backyard, and cooking all weekend. By the time we got home on Sunday night, we were exhausted.
When we walked inside the apartment, I told Peanut that if she didn't immediately take a bath, then she couldn't have any dinner. She started to whine until I couldn't take it anymore so I made her a sandwich and let her go to bed.
The next night when I told her to take a bath, the Peanut tried to get out of it by telling me, "You said I wouldn't get dinner last night but I did."
Needless to say, I shot her my KDDS (Korean Daddy Death Stare) and she was in that tub faster than you could shout, "Girl overboard!"
Empty threats are dangerous. Not only do you have to be able to back up your threats but you've also got to be aware of the stakes involved.
If not, next thing you know, you're Jennifer Aniston telling Brad Pitt, "If you don't spend more time with me, I'm leaving you"...and having no idea that Angelina Jolie was waiting in the wings!
DRIVING IN THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL
Driving back into NYC, we were stuck behind a pick-up truck who, for about 100 miles, had its turn signal on. What did you think that clicking noise was, buddy? The explosion of neurons misfiring in your cerebral cortex?
We would have tried to pass him but I was too terrified by the woman driving while drinking a 64-ounce Big Gulp of Orange Crush, putting on her mascara, and texting on her iPhone. The woman was swerving all over the road like Nick Nolte on a 3-day bender.
Now, as most of you know, I'm a pretty laid-back guy. The only time my temper rises is when I'm in the car. Usually I don't have to worry about negatively influencing the Peanut because she has this amazing ability to sleep in the car. I can be blasting Jay-Z with the windows open for 5 hours and the Peanut won't wake up for a single second. So every once in awhile, I'll yell out at another driver or mumble an insult under my breath.
I immediately stopped doing this a few months ago when a woman cut me off on the Long Island Expressway and I heard a sleepy little voice coming from the back seat saying, "That woman drives like a mofo, right daddy?"
THE GRASS IS SOMETIMES GREENER
Last month I was at dinner with friends. All of us were parents except for a buddy of mine who remains happily single and childless. A few of the women were giving my buddy a hard time, accusing him of secretly wanting a relationship and desiring children. I have no idea why women always want all of their friends to be married. Does anyone know the answer?
At some point in the evening, all the parents started whining and bemoaning the fact that they had to go home soon in order to wake up early to coach soccer practice, go on a Costco run, take the kids to a birthday party, clean the house, attend a PTA meeting, cook dinner for the in-laws, and help the kids with their homework.
Right around this time, my buddy got up and sat down next to the mom who had previously been giving him such a hard time. With a shit-eating grin on his face, he looked her right in the eye, threw down a double shot of tequila, and said, "''I am a little bit jealous, you're right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go do whatever I feel like doing, all the time!''
He then left the table to hit on the hostess of the restaurant.
But if you listen real closely, you can still hear him laughing his ass off.