During this blog's lifetime, I've been interviewed for dozens of magazines and newspapers. However, in all honesty, I've never really liked many of the interviews. I think this is primarily for two reasons. One is that, for the most part, the interviewers tended to already be fans of this site and I think that any truly good interview requires some conversational tension. I find the best ones tend to be conducted by people who don't like you and, more importantly, don't want to like you.
The second reason I'm not a big fan of those articles is because the only thing actually more boring than blogging is talking about blogging.
However, someone recently sent me a set of questions from what might best be described as a geographical twist on the Proust Questionnaire. The questions were actually from 92Y Blog co-editor Andrew Krucoff’s series of interviews which once ran regularly on Gothamist.
Because so much of this blog is about my love of New York, I thought I'd give it a shot.
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
40. Fashion Executive. Born in Manhattan. Left briefly to attend college in California and work in Washington, DC. Nobody in either place understood my sense of humor so I had to move back here in 1995.
Three Just for Thee
1. Which fictional character would you like to date, and why?
If she were funnier and drank more tequila, I'd say Dominique Francon from The Fountainhead. But since she probably wouldn't let me spend Sunday afternoons watching football on the couch in my underwear, I'm going to go with Sigourney Weaver's character in the Alien movies, Ripley. Or maybe Betty Rubble.
2. Which fictional character would you like to be?
Can I name three? Former Ohio State QB and current F.B.I. agent/surfer, Johnny Utah. Aging sagacious bouncer at The Double Deuce, Wade Garrett. Hirsute basketball phenom, Teen Wolf.
3. Your favorite fictional sentence or passage?
"That morning, she pours Teacher's gin all over my belly and licks it off. That afternoon, she tries to jump out the window. I go, 'Holly, this can't continue.'"---Raymond Carver
Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
Prohibition. I'll bet you could score hot chicks with just some leftover backwash from a Seagram's wine cooler. Wait, did they have those back then?
9pm, Wednesday night - what are you doing?
Same thing I do every Wednesday. Getting in heated arguments with random strangers at a bar about who would win a fight between Batman and Chuck Norris.
What's your New York motto?
"Hey, dickface. Can you let me off the fucking subway before you try to squeeze your fat ass inside?"
Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
1991. Late at night. Dive bar. I'm standing at a urinal pissing about 20 gallons of beer when the guy next to me says, "Really tapping that valve, aren't you, buddy?" I turn around and who do I see? Kevin Costner! Without missing a beat, I let go of my penis, put both my hands on top of my head like two horns, and yell, "Tatonka!" My buddy Will started laughing so hard that I think he may have peed all over Costner. However, the guy was totally cool. Not only did he laugh, he also bought us a few pitchers of beer.
Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
I've never had that moment. If I play my cards right, I'll die alone in my apartment and nobody will know until the neighbors complain of the stench. Does that ever really happen in New York City or is it one of those urban myths?
Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
Finishing dinner in the West Village, complaining for the 1,000th time that there are no good bars in the area, and reluctantly walking over to Soho House to meet my buddy Kyle.
Finish one of the four following sentences:
1) "Outside of his building, on E. 9th Street, Chip took money from Enid and...
then punched himself in the throat for having the name Chip and wearing flannel ironically.
Where do you summer?
I refuse to answer any question that uses a season as a verb. Unless it's Fall. Then the answer is "on my ass."
Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time?
John McEnroe. He played tennis like Mozart but had the attitude of a NYC cabbie. He married Tatum O'Neal but dumped her for rocker Patty Smyth. He hosted an absurd game show but quietly owns one of the coolest art galleries in Soho. He encompasses both the best and worst that the city has to offer.
What happened the last time you went to L.A.?
I got really high at Charlie Sheen's house and woke up married to Robert Evans. Just kidding. Like every other New Yorker, I got stuck in traffic for 3 hours, went back to the Chateau Marmont, got drunk, and then swore that I'd never return.
Medication: What and how much do you take?
Very little. I tried Ambien a few times but I like to drink so every time I took it, I ended up driving around naked with one of the Kennedys. The one time I tried Viagra recreationally, I got a massive erection...the next day. Are tequila and cheeseburgers considered medicinal?
Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with) New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
This one is a no brainer. Famed NYPD officer Frank Serpico.
If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
I'd bring back the seediness of Times Square. I hate the Disney-sponsored sterilization of the area. I much preferred it back when the place was overrun by hookers, junkies, and muggers. If it were up to me, I'd pass a law that required all tourists to get mugged while they're here so they'd have a story that they could tell for the rest of their lives to their friends back in Milwaukee.
The End of The World is finally happening. Be it the Rapture, War
of Armageddon, or reversal of the Sun's magnetic field. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in
Sit at the bar at Peter Lugers, order the world's largest porterhouse steak, drink a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue scotch, and work on the Sunday NY times crossword puzzle. Then I'd take a cab out to CitiField and run around the bases until I threw up.