The MetroDad NYC Interview

During this blog's lifetime, I've been interviewed for dozens of magazines and newspapers. However, in all honesty, I've never really liked many of the interviews. I think this is primarily for two reasons. One is that, for the most part, the interviewers tended to already be fans of this site and I think that any truly good interview requires some conversational tension. I find the best ones tend to be conducted by people who don't like you and, more importantly, don't want to like you.

The second reason I'm not a big fan of those articles is because the only thing actually more boring than blogging is talking about blogging.

However, someone recently sent me a set of questions from what might best be described as a geographical twist on the Proust Questionnaire. The questions were actually from 92Y Blog co-editor Andrew Krucoff’s series of interviews which once ran regularly on Gothamist. 

Because so much of this blog is about my love of New York, I thought I'd give it a shot.

The Basics

Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
40. Fashion Executive. Born in Manhattan. Left briefly to attend college in California and work in Washington, DC. Nobody in either place understood my sense of humor so I had to move back here in 1995.

Three Just for Thee

1. Which fictional character would you like to date, and why?
If she were funnier and drank more tequila, I'd say Dominique Francon from The Fountainhead.  But since she probably wouldn't let me spend Sunday afternoons watching football on the couch in my underwear, I'm going to go with Sigourney Weaver's character in the Alien movies, Ripley. Or maybe Betty Rubble. 

2. Which fictional character would you like to be?
Can I name three?  Former Ohio State QB and current F.B.I. agent/surfer, Johnny Utah. Aging sagacious bouncer at The Double Deuce, Wade Garrett. Hirsute basketball phenom, Teen Wolf.

3. Your favorite fictional sentence or passage?
"That morning, she pours Teacher's gin all over my belly and licks it off. That afternoon, she tries to jump out the window. I go, 'Holly, this can't continue.'"---Raymond Carver

Proust-Krucoff Questionnaire

Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
Prohibition. I'll bet you could score hot chicks with just some leftover backwash from a Seagram's wine cooler. Wait, did they have those back then?

9pm, Wednesday night - what are you doing?
Same thing I do every Wednesday. Getting in heated arguments with random strangers at a bar about who would win a fight between Batman and Chuck Norris.

What's your New York motto?
"Hey, dickface. Can you let me off the fucking subway before you try to squeeze your fat ass inside?"

Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
1991. Late at night. Dive bar. I'm standing at a urinal pissing about 20 gallons of beer when the guy next to me says, "Really tapping that valve, aren't you, buddy?"  I turn around and who do I see?  Kevin Costner!  Without missing a beat, I let go of my penis, put both my hands on top of my head like two horns, and yell, "Tatonka!"  My buddy Will started laughing so hard that I think he may have peed all over Costner. However, the guy was totally cool. Not only did he laugh, he also bought us a few pitchers of beer.

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
I've never had that moment. If I play my cards right, I'll die alone in my apartment and nobody will know until the neighbors complain of the stench. Does that ever really happen in New York City or is it one of those urban myths?

Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
Finishing dinner in the West Village, complaining for the 1,000th time that there are no good bars in the area, and reluctantly walking over to Soho House to meet my buddy Kyle.

Finish one of the four following sentences:
1) "Outside of his building, on E. 9th Street, Chip took money from Enid and...
then punched himself in the throat for having the name Chip and wearing flannel ironically.

Where do you summer?
I refuse to answer any question that uses a season as a verb. Unless it's Fall. Then the answer is "on my ass."

Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time?
John McEnroe. He played tennis like Mozart but had the attitude of a NYC cabbie. He married Tatum O'Neal but dumped her for rocker Patty Smyth. He hosted an absurd game show but quietly owns one of the coolest art galleries in Soho. He encompasses both the best and worst that the city has to offer.

What happened the last time you went to L.A.?
I got really high at Charlie Sheen's house and woke up married to Robert Evans. Just kidding. Like every other New Yorker, I got stuck in traffic for 3 hours, went back to the Chateau Marmont, got drunk, and then swore that I'd never return.

Medication: What and how much do you take?
Very little. I tried Ambien a few times but I like to drink so every time I took it, I ended up driving around naked with one of the Kennedys. The one time I tried Viagra recreationally, I got a massive erection...the next day. Are tequila and cheeseburgers considered medicinal?

Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with) New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
This one is a no brainer. Famed NYPD officer Frank Serpico.

If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
I'd bring back the seediness of Times Square. I hate the Disney-sponsored sterilization of the area. I much preferred it back when the place was overrun by hookers, junkies, and muggers. If it were up to me, I'd pass a law that required all tourists to get mugged while they're here so they'd have a story that they could tell for the rest of their lives to their friends back in Milwaukee.

The End of The World is finally happening. Be it the Rapture, War of Armageddon, or reversal of the Sun's magnetic field. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
Sit at the bar at Peter Lugers, order the world's largest porterhouse steak, drink a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue scotch, and work on the Sunday NY times crossword puzzle. Then I'd take a cab out to CitiField and run around the bases until I threw up.

Comments

[Papa Bradstein]

Dude, Ripley would tear your head off and make you do 100 behind the back pullups if you tried to sit around in your underwear, but you keep on dreaming about her.

Nice list.

[papa2hapa]

I think Proust would be very sad doing this interview. I can see him now, pouting while drinking and mumbling under his breath about the pissy tudes in NYC.

[Jamie]

This might be the funniest interview I've ever read. Thanks for the laughs, MD!

[Emma]

Let me get this straight. In one post, you've managed to reference The Fountainhead, Point Break, Raymond Carver, John McEnroe, Robert Evans and Frank Serpico. Is it any wonder I have a crush on you?

[mr. big dubya]

Wade Garrett - Mijo!

"That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that."

Natch.

[JJ Daddy-O]

For your next interview, I will wear a Bill O'Reilly mask and berate you with pithy wing-nuttery like "pinhead!" or "turn off his mike!". We'll see if that produces a suitably tense atmosphere to elicit some bold NYC freestylin' answers...

[honglien123]

Oh please, is it really up for discussion? Chuck Norris would totally lose based on body hair. Have you not seen Way the Dragon? And Dominique Francon, really? I lost respect for her after she basically let Roarke rape her. I know it's Roarke, but still, ugh.

[Janet K.]

"The one time I tried Viagra recreationally, I got a massive erection...the next day." That might be one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

[JC Loco]

I thought only depressed people lived in New York.... hmmm they do! But if all of them were as funny as you, it would almost make it bearable to live there.

[Faiqa]

"Hirsute basketball phenom, Teen Wolf." Ha! And I completely get that... he was "rad."

[Alfred]

I'm going with Batman.

[Lena K.]

You must be pretty successful in the fashion business, MD, because you're one of the funniest and most talented writers around. This interview was hilarious. My husband and I laughed our asses reading this over breakfast today. Thanks for getting our day off to a great start!

[Black Hockey Jesus]

I was at this cheesy exhibition that meant nothing. Vitus Gerulaitis served wide, hit my foot, and McEnroe screams "GET YOUR FOOT OFF THE COURT!!!!!" I was maybe 13.

I love John McEnroe.

[Dave]

I hate cities. I particularly don't care for New York. I think an early exposure to the loathesome, whiney, incestuous Woody Allen must have indellibly stereotyped and tainted the whole city for me.

I love deer hunting, atv's, fishing, camping, and firearms. Other than nascar and mindlessly aggressive nationalism, I exhibit the majority of the traits in the redneck phenotype.

So why then do I like your blog so much?

Dave

[Lanie]

Tatonka! Mwahh!!! Thanks for making my afternoon.

[Bosslady]

I believe quite clearly that the last time you were in LA was to move me back to NY.

[Jane of Maine]

Haha - looks like your wife got you there!

[eyewhypee]

I'd so want to date (and marry!) Howard Roark. That dude's a hero.

[MidwestGal]

"Tatonka!" LMAO

[Chris]

"Dickface" is one of my favorite derogatory names. That and "assfuck". Kills me when people don't know the rule. Those who are exiting [a subway, bus, elevator, small space] have the right of way to those who are entering. Assfucks.

[teufelkindsvater]

My favorite derogatory name has to be 'fuckchop'. It's a bit like "you fat fuckin porkchop" all in one tight little bundle of anger.

great interview. 1st commentator was right, though. Ripley would kick your ass (or mine).

[crazyVirgo]

MD... you are L.I.V.I.N.

[angela]

Kudos my fellow NYer. there is no where like it in the world and yet it is terrible and fantastic at the same time. I've got toddlers, so glad to see you are still able to hit the bars.

[Jason]

Hilarious post as always! I'd have some odd answers if I had an interviewer ask similar questions of me for whatever they wrote for.

[Big Pumpkin]

hahaha....I agree, only a tough, controversial interview would boost the arrogant ego enough to give yourself a pat on the back :-P

[kittenpie]

After living in NYC for three years, I had to move back to my nice neighbourhood in Toronto to get mugged. True story. though I did get accosted by a crazy, filthy, wheelchair-bound man in the rain once, so there's that, at least. had a nice filthy handprint on my shirt to show for it, too.

[kady]

you are unbelievably funny. i still have to think twice when i hear "citifield". i miss shea.

[Janet]

One of the best interviews I've ever read. The Tatonka story is hilarious.

[Father Muskrat]

*Father Muskrat stands atop the Empire State Building and screams in a dialect that requires subtitles down at Metro Dad*

"Metro Dad! Metro Dad! I am Father Muskrat! Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend!?"

[Jrock]

MD, you always make me laugh, but the Road House reference is classic. I mean, a cheezy eighties movie that I have seen a million times (thank you TBS) and I found someone other than my college roommate and myself that know it well. Tatonka is classic, he had to love that one.

"I thought you'd be bigger"

Jrock

[Rene P.]

I love that Carver quote. It's one of my favorites. How weird that you chose it also. Have you ever even mentioned Carver before on the site? You have great taste in literature.

[ang]

You make me laugh. But being from LA and having never been to NYC, you're really my only exposure to New Yorkers. . .

And Batman. . . all the way.

[amber]

"Hey, dickface. Can you let me off the fucking subway before you try to squeeze your fat ass inside?"

One of my top 5 pet-peeves!!!

[Di]

"where do you summer?"... Ahem... Come on... Even if the question uses a season as a verb... You have to give a shout out! You are truly a hamptonite...(is that a word?).

[shana]

This is the funniest shit I have read in a long time! Also, I think "fuckchop" is my new fav word.

[Dave]

smart funny dude, you hate LA (even more cred toyou)...but what do you think of Sydney, Australia?

[A. Karno]

Staying at the Chateau Marmont
was your first mistake.
If one must come here for business, one stays at a funk palace in Venice beach, or at Shutter's. Where you can see Russia from Santa Monica Pier.