The Genetics of Butter and Comedy

My mother was a premature health nazi during an era when it was believed that smoking cigarettes was good for you, fried chicken was the 6th food group, and Twinkies improved blood circulation.

Of course, I'm abundantly grateful to my wonderful mother for leading me down a path of healthy living. However, growing up in my house was like living in a vegan snack stand at Burning Man. We had no soda, no candy, no chocolate, no chips, no cookies, and no strawberry milk. It was all so painfully torturous that I eventually started selecting my childhood friends based on what kinds of snacks their mothers packed in the pantry.

(Special shout out to Mrs. Weisgal. Muchos gracias. Without you, I would have shown up at college like an Albanian farm boy: "What are these potato chip things that you speak of?")

The worst part of growing up in such a healthy environment was that we had a strict "No Butter" rule in the house. I guess I didn't mind so much because even if we were to ever have any, I'd only have been allowed to put it on whole wheat raisin bread.

However, I'll never forget spending a week in Paris (the city, not the vagina) when I was 10 years old and discovering what REAL butter tasted like. Not only did I immediately start eating sticks of butter but I also used it as a dip, a condiment, and a sauce. To say that it was a taste explosion is grossly understating it.

I immediately become a devout apostle in the belief that butter must have been created by the One True God who grows them on trees in the Elysian Fields.

Needless to say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

My daughter has taken to butter like a fish to water. I actually joke that her future autobiography will be subtitled "Butter is Better." She can't get enough of the stuff. A few weeks ago, I caught her pretending to put butter on some bread but instead shoveling it into her mouth with a knife like she was laying down landfill. I'd have reprimanded her but I was too impressed by her creativity and cunningness.

Today, the two of us went out to dinner together for a daddy-daughter dinner. Here's a photo of our weekly date.

This was her second plate of butter.

I told her that she'd eaten enough butter and that it was time for me to take it away. As I reached for the plate, she pulled it away and said, "Just gimme 5 more minutes, Daddy!"

I laughed so hard that butter started coming out of my nose.

My heart practically exploded into a million tiny pieces as I realized that this little 4.5 year-old midget has totally inherited my weird sense of humor. While I rely heavily on her mother to teach Peanut the important life skills like math, riding a bike, using a knife and checking the weather, it warms the cockles of my soul to know that my influence on this little girl is manifested by her sense of humor.

Because let's face it.

You can't teach funny. 

Comments

[Kira]

Hilarious post, MD. My daughter has the same relationship with butter also. Definitely her 6th food group.

[Alysa]

Could the Peanut be ANY cuter? She's a girl after my own heart.

[papa2hapa]

If you can't teach funny, why do they have stand-up comedy lessons or writing workshops for humor? Nope, I think she's just picking up bad humor habits from tree. Speaking of trees, don't peanuts grow on trees?

[michelle]

Nope. You really can't teach funny. When it comes out in the kids, it makes you realize how much you can't teach.

Mine likes to say to me, as I'm driving, "Punch it Margaret." Then laughs.

WTF. How does he know how funny that is?

[Helen J.]

This is possibly the funniest post I've read in ages. Thanks for the laugh, MD. The Peanut is gorgeous.

[J]

Awww the Peanut is so adorable. I love butter as well, but admittedly not as much as you or the Peanut! I've never tried eating a whole stick of butter by itself, but...there's a first time for everything!

[Kim, Rambling Family Manager]

We have similar butter-holics in my house. We once found a stick with teeth marks in it...hmm. We recently discovered imported butter; takes it to a whole new level!

I stumbled onto your blog, btw. I landed on your post about the Princess doll which was great. Thank heavens they are adding a new African-American Princess soon; we saw the previews before "Up". It's long over due; let's hope they can avoid the racial stereotyping you wrote about in the post.

And furthermore, Snow White was "healthier" in the actual movie than she is depicted now in the Princess line up- I so resent that.

[Caroline Walberg]

First of all, the Peanut is adorable and I love that you have weekly dates, such a wonderful tradition!
I had a strange obsession with butter too, so weird. I would go in the fridge and swipe a spoonful when nobody was looking.

[mama without instructions]

Love it! My kids would love on butter if I let them, as evidenced here: http://aarin.blogspot.com/2009/02/baby-with-butter.html
At least it's real food.

[Kelly]

I also love the fact that you have weekly daddy-daughter date nights. I'm single and don't have kids yet but you're basically my role model for my future spouse. In every post, your absolute love for your daughter shines through. I think that's amazing.

[Captain Dumbass]

Next time my wife asks me why I had to teach my boys the pull my finger joke, I'll tell her to read this.

[Mary]

dude. your little girl is soooooooooooo freakin cute.

[arizona bankruptcy attorney]

Real butter is good. Too bad most only know about Margarine, which is really not that good for the body.

[FranMag]

My 4-year old daughter takes bites out of the butter in the refrigerator. She and the Peanut would get along great...or fight over the butter, not sure which. :-)

[MJ]

Er...how do you father-daughter duo stay slim with a butter addiction?

[tys]

i thought butter was good for you...atleast thats wht my wife told when i was being slattered in it..hmm..

peanut is adorable...give her that 5 mins.

[Elisa]

Absolutely right, you can't teach funny! peanut is lucky to have the funny gene ;-)

[Stella P.]

Your love for your daughter is so sexy. I hope to someday find a man who feels the same way about his kids. Thanks for raising the bar, MD!

[Big Pumpkin]

Paris, the city not the vagina??? Ahahahaha!!! You are too freaking hilarious!!

My daughter absolutely loves butter too. Oh, how I wish we were back in New York. They'd get along just swell....

[Chris]

So true! You can't teach funny and you can't buy taste.

[NG]

I feel much the same as you; I never tasted butter until I was an adult. My mother was from the margarine era. *gag*

When I first met my husband, we were having this discussion about our earliest childhood memory and I offered this sappy story about remembering sitting on the piano bench and singing with my mother. My husband, however, had a different story: "I think my earliest memory was my grandmother yelling at me for eating an entire stick of butter."

Match made in heaven, I tell you.

[Dalee]

I'm sad to say that you would not have chosen me as a childhood friend. For I too was raised by a mother who was a raw, whole foods nut before it was vogue. We shopped almost exclusively at the local food co-op, she made her own bread every week and I called cottage cheese 'pudding'. Popsicles were actually homemade frozen yogurt and I didn't even know what a hotdog was until I went to school and came home talking about this 'strange meat' we ate at lunch.

Even after all these years, it's nice to hear I wasn't alone in my world of food.

[Jon Weisgal]

Great post - and for the record, I think you left out the Ring Dings, Yodels, Hostess Cupcakes (I guess anything with chocolate cake and creme filling) along with those Blood Circulating Twinkies...

Jon (Mrs. Weisgal's son).

[Tyler - Building Camelot]

Imagine trying to limit the amount of butter a good ol' Southern girl eats. My daughter does the same thing - she'll even ask to put it on her plate like it's a side dish. The only thing that she'll eat more than butter is sour cream...good times in my household.

[Fer]

we watch the Food Network just to see how long it takes Paula Dean to mention butter...

[Jamie E.]

Paris (the city, not the vagina) just made my day. You're a funny guy, MD.

[Julie Kang]

Ha ha, I thought my kids and I were the only ones with the butter-biting habit. I figure, double-cream cheese is basically butter, and people usually have no qualms about that, right? :)

[D]

I used to be like that when I was a kid - stealing butter from the fridge in the middle of the afternoon when everyone was asleep. Now, I know too much about the calories it packs for me to like it half as much. Tell ya what - let your daughter enjoy as much of this butter bliss as long as she can; you never know when she grows up!

[Heather B.]

From reading your site all these years, I've always thought the Peanut had your sense of humor. I tell stories about her to my friends and co-workers like she's my niece or something. The "you the man" story still cracks me up.

[Jae Young]

I didn't really get butter until I started baking. I really only like baking with butter, period, unless I use recipes with shortening. That just means more butter for MD and Peanut, honestly. What you really need to do is give Peanut that little sister she is dying for so we can double the cuteness factor in MD-land!

[kc]

I've always wanted a daughter so seeing your beautiful girl brings a big smile to my face.

[Carlissa]

With a father like you, how could the Peanut NOT be funny? Love your writing style, MD. Seeing that you've put up a new post makes my day!

[RG's Mama]

This was a much funnier version of my 'sprout-eating' childhood. I absolutely chose my friends based on their lunches and their willingness to trade. Alfalfa sprouts for Cheetos? Allow me to introduce myself. I'll be your new best friend this year.

[Mama Nabi]

There's nothing wrong with eating butter by the stick. Or offering slabs of butter as a side dish to your child's breakfast. Or mixing gobs of butter with powdered sugar to make buttercream icing to go with your doughnuts. They have anti-cholestrol medication nowadays.

[preggy2]

Please post your blogs more often like this week MD!! I have to find some sort of entertainment in the office by 3-4pm and it's so nice to see a new post within a week instead of a month like the last time.

[teufelkindsvater]

sweet butter, new radishes and sea salt... hello breakfast.
Great post.

[ryihadu]

Well, let's just hope that one thing your daughter does NOT inherit from you is your gargantuan ego and superiority complex. Yeah, that's it pal...pat yourself on the back yet again for your "successes" in raising your little Mini-Me. The thing is, the LAST thing this world needs is another copy of such a smug, pretentious, self-satisfied prick who thinks he is just so fucking awesome (!!!). Let's face it dawg...you are not that funny, not that cool, not that hot, and most people probably think you're an arrogant bastard (and not in a "good way" either). Although, for someone like you, knowing that many people out here think you are a pretentious asshole probably makes your dick hard.

[Ashley]

Butter IS better. The Peanut is a smart girl.

[OTRgirl]

Love the weekly date nights. Also the sense of humor. Good job on the genetics/corruption.

I so relate to your childhood torture healthy eating. Can you say "Carob chip cookies"? Mom tried to sell us carrot slices as "pirates gold". One sneer at school taught me the error of her manipulations.

[OTRgirl]

Woah. just glanced up and saw the hate comment. thought he was being funny, but he's just bitter. yikes. (guess he hasn't met sarcasm/irony enough to recognize it, huh?)

[cocosmalls]

my son eats butter (i used to also) all the time. i just say well he needs fat for brain development and move on until he has eaten half the stick then i umm try to make him stop

[momtrolfreak]

My sister did this with salt, she would sprinkle it on a plate, lick her finger, drag it through the sale, and then suck the salt off her finger. Very, very gross. Butter? totally fine. Eggs were bad for us, then they were fine. Then soy was the new health food, but suddenly we found out it causes breast cancer. WTF, nature? Peanut is ahead of the pack in discovering that butter? It's the new tofu.

[Ashley]

how funny!! I do have a distaste for butter though. My suster used to eat it with chips. the thought makes me gag. now if only i could use that to my advantage with other foods like sugar.

[dreamama]

Whoa, you're my new favorite daddy blogger. We have so much in common -- parties in our friends' moms' pantries, love of all things butter, kids we'd like to eat with a spoon....you're way funnier.

[Jason]

Yes, BUTTER GOOD! I myself was not raised with a health nazi, but I do have to say that butter was not as often as it should have been. First time I ever had buttered rolls at a restaurant, I couldn't stop eating the rolls! It was a buffet with broccoli and peas, and carrots and many other things, and EVERYTHING got butter on it. Greatest day of my life so far...not even the birth of my kids could top that...its close.

[Kila]

You are one lucky Daddy.

Butter totally rocks. None of the fake (and, I think, unhealthier) stuff for me.

[John]

Growing up, one of the peaks of my family's year was the annual Christmas butter cookie factory that we would set up in the kitchen.

Tins and tins of cookies would last us weeks - they actually get better with age, so you'd have to pace yourself. (Although our Grandmother's pulling out a surprise stash of Christmas butter cookies after Easter usually didn't turn out well.)

The obsession with these cookies even rubbed off on our dog, who would go mental at the mention of the phrase "Butter cookie" a the first uttered syllable.

Also, this post reminds me of an 'According to Jim' episode where one of the characters invents a new snack: Stick of butter dipped in sugar.
Name: Shame Sticks.
Mmm. mmm.

[Cheryl]

I've become allergic to dairy, I miss butter. It really is excellent for children (especially if it's raw). All that fat and cholesterol is perfect for brain development, seriously.

[JMN]

So if the Peanut likes butter so much, you should just refer to her as Peanut Butter! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night. Try the shrimp, and don't forget to tip your waitress.

[1969]

Stopping by to wish you a very HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!! Enjoy, you are a great Dad.