24 Hours in the Life of a Twitterer (sic?)

There are certain cultural references that both divide and define generations.

The Doctor and I recently spent an entire weekend in the Hamptons quizzing his 22-year-old nanny about music. It completely blew our minds that she had never even heard of Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys, Nirvana, New Order, or The Cure. How was that fucking even possible? Heck, I've never listened to an Englebert Humperdink album but at least I've heard of him.

After we got over the shock of feeling old, the Doctor and I came to realize that kids today don't know shit about music.

Just kidding.

Want to know what the new dividing cultural reference is?

Twitter.

Most friends my age have no understanding of Twitter.

Do you?

As Wikipedia explains it, "Twitter is a social networking and micro-blogging service that enables its users to send and read other users' updates known as tweets. Tweets are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length which are displayed on the user's profile page and delivered to other users who have subscribed to them (known as followers)."

Could anything sound dumber or less intellectually-stimulating? It sounds like writing in Morse Code.

However, everyone from my agent to fellow bloggers to readers are pushing me to join Twitter. I literally get about 20 e-mails per week from strangers asking me to please start a Twitter page.

Here are my problems with Twitter.

(1) I don't like the fact that people who subscribe to your Twitter page are called "followers." When I think of "followers," I think of Jim Jones, Joel Osteen, and Oprah Winfrey. Call me crazy.

(2)  Everyone wants to believe that they’re important because everyone, at their core, is a narcissist. And how better to give yourself an inflated sense of importance than to think that there are large numbers of people who are reading a 140 word post you’ve written that says, “Going to the store to look for cereal. Hope they have Chex!”  Please spare me the details of your boring life.

(3) I was recently at a dinner with a bunch of 20 year olds. All of them spent the entire night twittering. All it did was make me realize that kids today have the attention span of fruit flies. If you speak to them using more than 140 characters, their minds literally go into shutdown mode and they'll go on their iphones and twitter "stuck at dinner next to some weird old guy who won't stop talking."

Anyway, in the name of science, I decided to imagine what I would write if I had my own Twitter page so I wrote down every thought I've had in the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure I won't follow through on actually joining Twitter because really, who has the fucking time?

Regardless, here are the past 24 hours of my life as expressed via Twitter:

• New York City smells like a wet tampon today, n'est-ce pas?

• It's cool connecting with high-school friends on Facebook but the abortion bills are killing me!

• Why do they only do construction work in my office when I have a hangover?

• "I'm considering being one of those guys who claims not to watch tv," he said as he watched yet another episode of "Real Houswives of New York."

• Why would my co-worker think I would give a shit about his vegetable garden?

• My apartment has a faint smell of mouse poop and toddler pee.

• I want to join the NFL just so I can show off my dope-ass touchdown dances.

• Apparently I'm on a diet of egg whites and tequila. Lost 5 pounds and 5,000 brain cells.

• My daughter is high on chocolate and running around naked. It's like the pre-school version of Burning Man.

• Am I the only one who thinks Campbell Brown has freaky cheekbones?

• I am Kaiser Soze!

• Better name for my imaginary son? Jack Bauer Kim or Mookie Wilson Kim?

• Oprah joining Twitter is like your grandma getting a tattoo, a Brazilian wax, and a belly button ring. No offense, Nana. Love your new tats!

• The "Housewives of New York" reminds me of Dorothy Parker and the Algonguin Round Table. Not!

• It's really true. Sometimes you can just smell "the crazy."
  

• If you name your daughter Siena, should you be surprised when she grows up to be a stripper?

I'm still undecided on the whole Twitter thing. It seems too exhausting (and boring.) Obviously writing on this blog is kicking my ass enough as it is. However, I do kind of like the idea of writing down quick brain farts instead of fully-formed blog posts.

Hmm, dilemma.

I'm pretty sure that I'll never start a Twitter page. Honestly, I'm just too damn old. Forty-year-old dads should just not be on Twitter. In fact, there should be a law against it. However, tell me YOUR Twitter pages and some of your favorite ones so I can judge this whole phenomenon more rationally. Maybe I'll change my mind.

But I seriously doubt it.

Comments

[Jaime]

Please DON'T join Twitter. Facebook and Myspace are enough. We don't all need to be that connected.

[Emily]

Twitter is crack for the over 40's. It sounds like a dumb idea but all of a sudden makes sense once you've drunk the kool aid.

[NG]

I'm with you on the twitter thing. I think I might do it if I had more money than god and could pay a guy to follow me around and post things to the internet when I'd point at him and yell, "Tweet THAT, suckah." But otherwise, I'm way too busy.

Honestly though? I would open a twitter account just to read your tweets if they were all going to be like that.

[Amanda]

Twitter is fun and quick, and you should do it.

I use Twitter (mostly) so I can capture little funny things that my kids do or say that aren't blog worthy. I copy all my tweets and paste them as a blog post the first of every month. Twitter is so new, I'm afraid they'll crash soon and lose everything.

TwitPic is also cool, but I must admit that I haven't figured that out yet. Also, how does one do a "tiny url," and does that make the URL feel like he has a small penis?

[Daddy Geek Boy]

Dude, based on your sample tweets, you should totally join Twitter.

Like you, I was resistant to the whole thing. But there are some very funny people out there who tweet and I really like reading their bite sized comments on life.

Since I've been doing Facebook, it isn't much different. It's kind of a fun challenge to write something in just 140 characters. Plus, you can use it to promote your blog.

And what's wrong with having "followers"? Don't you want your minions out there doing your bidding?

In short, if you signed up, I'd join you. And look for me if you do (@DaddyGeekBoy)

[John Tierney]

Methinks many people are projecting negativity onto Twitter for some reason.

It's a tool. Like a blog. But different.
People were poopooing blogs up until about 23 minutes ago.
It has nothing to do with age. Or height. Or integrity. Or the wrinkliness of your brain.

Twitter can be used many ways - not just the "eating pizzas LOL" stuff, but just funny things that occur to you (like your sample tweets there), or even, heaven forbid: sharing useful items with like minded individuals.

I follow other cybersecurity professionals (and thus share and find many links to current events), people that crack me up and other parents (who also tend to be people who crack me up.)

Just do it. Don't overthink it. Now drink this fancy colored sickeningly sweet beverage.

If you don't like Twitter let your account go stagnant. Then wait about 6 months and post a single word Twitter, like "Arrested!" or "Cheez."
Doesn't matter.

[Alexandra]

I don't know if I believe it, but I just read today that the overwhelming majority of users on Twitter are above the age of 35. Only something like 5% are younger than 17...

[badassdad05]

You'll find me on Twitter at @badassdad05. I so don't have time, but there I am anyway.

As to favorites? Most of my favorites are bloggers you probably know. @thebloggess, @badbanana, @dadgonemad, @redneckmommy, @bhockeyjesus should get you started.

But the REAL power of Twitter is it's potential for two-way communication, so just reading their twitter streams won't give you a full flavor for it. I wrote a post about it if you want more of my thoughts. Best of luck in your dilemma.

[Rosie]

I'm holding out. I don't think every moment of my life is all that interesting. I often bore my own damn self to tears. And really, do I need another reason to be on the computer any more than I am? Don't I have kids or something to take care of?

Christ on a croissant, I'm old.

[john]

MD:

Regardless of what decision you make about this, just because you spend all day tweeting, blogging or on facebook, doesn't mean you really have a social life. Help that wonderful daughter of yours grow into a productive adult and then we will progress into a society of productive adults.

[mo-wo]

You don't care about the vegetable gardens of co-workers??? Do you hate the planet??

James Garner Kim.

So what are you saying? Englebert Humperdink, perfect for 9 year old girl single alongs but a no-go for those 10 year old boys? Live and learn, I suppose.

[Katy]

Am I the only one creeped out that MD spent his weekend quizzing the 22 year old nanny? Bleh and double bleh twitter.

[Miss Grace]

Tweet about Oprah: Agreed.

[Loye]

I have been amazed at how funny and insightful some people can be in 140 characters or less. (Tip: Don't follow the ones that aren't funny or insightful.) That's why I like Twitter. It's kind of like the limericks your junior high English teacher used to make you write.

[whoorl]

Oh, just get over yourself and DO IT. ;)

[Aurelia]

I'm 25 and I've heard of all those bands before. Englebert too.

But it also helped that I had an older sister to school me on all the good music to listen to.

[n a n d a]

just take most benefits of it.

for me it's just a copy of FB statuses.

some just wanna share their thoughts *or mundane routine*, some sharing latest news and interesting articles/widgets/quizzes/tips, and some promoting their blogs and products.

and i think it has nothing to do w/ age.
i bet all of those advertisers/online marketers/blogging gurus/etc who excitedly post +50 links/day are not in their 20s ;p

p/s: i'm 24
p/p/s: mine http://twitter.com/nanda_127 ;)

[Alice]

I like reading *some* folks' twitter pages - there are some people who write well in long form, but where it doesn't translate to pithy twitters. Other folks thrive on it.

In general, if anyone's putting out more than 5/day on average, I unfollow them, since that's more info than I'd really care to have. Some of the possible twitters you had were great, but that'd be more overall volume than I'd be up for as a reader.

I'm 30, and I'm kind of glad that my generation's on the cusp of this - there's not an expectation that you'll twitter and/or follow friends' twitter streams, which is nice. I'm too selfish to try and keep up with the 'I had grilled cheese!' kinds of updates that seem to abound at times.

[LogicalMama]

You have too much to say to keep it at the 140 space max.

[Fragrant Liar]

DON'T DO IT! You'll expend all your good blog fodder in snippets the disappear into the airwaves.

[teufelkindsvater]

For those NOT in the know, New Order was remade from the band Joy Division (Love Will Tear Us Apart) after the suicide of their lead singer Ian Curtis.

[Fiona]

Oh my gosh, yet another reason to like your blog! I absolutely agree with everything you said about Twitter. I really don't get it - it's such as self-centered thing. I don't have a Twitter page cause I really don't give a rat's patootie what people are doing at random moments of the day/night nor do I think it's any of their business what I'm doing.

Funnily enough, my hubby, who is usually a major cynic about any kind of cultural fad, has gotten sucked into it. I now have to expressly say he can't even take his phone out when we're out to dinner cause of course he'll be on there letting people know what he just ordered and how it tastes! Gimme a bloody break...

[Callie]

The technology is called twitter. The people who use it are known as tweeters (not twitterers.) Just thought you'd want to know!`

[Leanne Koh]

Twitter please! What you just wrote was so funny! I would love to read it all the time. It would give you a whole new generation of people reading your blog once you sync the two up.

http://twitter.com/leannekoh

[charity]

Man, I am OFFENDED!
Heh.
I'm 21 this year and I am nothing like the teenagers you mentioned in your post!
I don't have a twitter account and I don't intend on getting one either.
Nirvana and The Cure are one of my favourites!
Ageist!

[Miranda]

Oh no, twittering is so boring. Booorrrringggggg. Don't go there. You write too well to waste your time adding to the compost that clogs up the internets.

Your blog will stand the test of time.

[Steve]

Twitter is cool that you can follow (some of) your heroes & perhaps if you're lucky, communicate with them.

I use it to gain more knowledge from smarter people. I guess good or bad of something always depend on the way you use it. For me twitter is good.

[papa2hapa]

In all honesty, I'm on Twitter, but rarely ON it. I think I might check it like once a week? I have no idea what to say on there, let alone on my blog. But, the few "tweets" I did post were completely innocuous and did little for my four "followers."

[Krista]

Hey Old Man,
I am 21, and I have heard of and love the bands you mention. I also have never had a cell phone, and hate people my age who spend their entire nights texting crap.
I probably have the attention span of one of the better insects, such as a cockroach.

[Mom101]

If you can resist joining twitter after all the support here, I'll be shocked. You'd have 8 million followers in a second - although we could call them something else. Devotees? Hanger-onners? Gawkers? Friends I Haven't Met Yet?

Call it microblogging if that makes you feel better about it.

[Oliver Wang]

P: Folks like you and my friend Junichi would make excellent Twitters given your penchant for "humor efficiency". And obviously, you already have a following even if you don't like the idea of having followers.

Personally, I've tried Twitter and what I can't get with is that it's 90% broadcast with only 10% conversation. At least with, say, Facebook status updates, you can reply to those and there's some back and forth. Theoretically, the same things happens with Twitter but in reality, it's very rare to have much of an exchange. For some, I'm sure they'd prefer that one way relationship but for me, something like Twitter only seems satisfying when people answer back. (Ironically, I'm also the same guy who wants to turn comments off on Poplicks but that's another story).

[Julie P.]

If you're only now contemplating Twitter, wait until you're asked to join Four Square [if you have an iphone]

I also like how Twitter is more about keeping up to date with people [knowing where they are, what they're doing] rather than just random thoughts...and the internet social world is very clever these days..you can facebook/tweet/four square all at once.

[Rengirl]

You said "[something something]. NOT!" You are definitely old.

I'm just joshin' with you (see, I'm old too).

In any case, Twitter is blogging for the lazy plain and simple and I'm a very lazy person.

[the new girl]

Who knew that the topic of Twitter was SO CONTROVERSIAL??

Turns out, Twitter is the new circumcision.

Or something.

[KC]

I don't twitter. Haven't given up on life just yet.

[Mary]

I'm 32 and think twitter is quite interesting.. and very addicting.

It's great for brain farts as others have pointed out.

so_yun

[scootergrrl]

Please join Twitter. I'll look forward to many laughs from your brain farts.

My favourite is Stephen Fry's http://twitter.com/stephenfry

Cheers,
@scootergrrrl

[amyB]

This is the exact damn reason you should tweet. You are effing hilarious, and we should get it in real-time. It's only fair.

[BOSSY]

But Depeche Mode and the Petshop Boys both have new albums out this year, so, pfffftt.

(Bossy makes this pfffftt sound to keep from feeling old.)

[Chelsea]

Please don't twitter, I'm 24 and I think its lame!

I mean come on "tweets" what are we little birdies?

[Elisa]

I'm currently suffering from twitter burnout - because sharing and reading stuff in 140 increments is only fun for so long.

But I will admit to not having a friggin' clue who Englebert Humperdink is. Really idiotic name, though. Much worse than Twitter.

[Dan]

Twitter is all about the one liner. As I think you've figured out with the burning man tweet above.

Examples: toldorknown, scottsimpson, fireland, seoulbrother, awryone, echuckles, emilybrianna, EffingBoring, loumerkin, AinsleyofAttack

[Jenn]

Of course ultimately it's up to you. But for the most part i don't understand why people use it. How self-important and interesting do people think they are? What a bunch of "twits".

[Black Hockey Jesus]

Twitter's a good place to network and expand your community and make people look at you.

[sarah]

hey i do have similar sentiments as you before i started my twitter. haha.

I could find certain uses for it though now that i'm in it.

1. i'm going Australia and i'm not sure about the weather conditions or what not over there. So i follow Greyhound and do some enquiries.

2. I could obtain immediate updates on what happens at events from people who are physically there (that's if they bother to update)

3. I suppose u could make yourself more apparent to your love ones when u're simply too busy to blog about stuffs. one liners should suffice in such situations.

4. Twitter is mobile which makes it all the more useful.

Go for it. There's nothing to lose. haha. There are many articles written on Twitter. Go take a look. You would be amazed by the uses of Twitter. Explore your options

[Urbandaddy]

Remind me again... If I use twitter, am I a twit? or a tweet? or a twat... It's all to foreign to me.

That being said... Who doesn't know who the Pet Shop Boys are? I hate them, but still...

I now have an urge to twit... Going to talk about my kids pushing their plush chairs around the kitchen yelling, "Do I have some money?"...

[Jrock]

MD - I don't understand the Twitter either and I do web stuff for a living!!! My clients are clamoring to get their Tweets on their sites, or at least a link to their twitter page on their site. Funny, I just read your post because I just spent the last half hour looking for SOMETHING that would tell me why this is so important to my client and what I can leverage to make sure they are using this tool to its fullest potential. I found NOTHING. It's just a lazy way to blog and an excuse to not fully think out what you want to write. Which for some is fine, but I can't see it being good for business most times. How much can you learn from 140 words that you can't just write in a short blog post?

I'm right there with you about the followers too.

Anyway, I'm off to get a hangover.

Later.

[jollyjenny]

are you and bosslady still together?

[cIII]

Dear Metro Dad,

Please stop Living in my head. Twitter can, most indeed, suck It.

Also, I'm just out to the Market. Chex? No? You're Good? Right on.

Also, also....Who the Fuck has never heard of Depeche Mode? That's like saying "Led Zeppelin?" Not that the two are synonymous..shit.....you know what I mean.

[heartatpreschool (Kari)]

Don't give in to Twitter...it's unbelievably pointless.