24 Hours in the Life of a Twitterer (sic?)

There are certain cultural references that both divide and define generations.

The Doctor and I recently spent an entire weekend in the Hamptons quizzing his 22-year-old nanny about music. It completely blew our minds that she had never even heard of Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys, Nirvana, New Order, or The Cure. How was that fucking even possible? Heck, I've never listened to an Englebert Humperdink album but at least I've heard of him.

After we got over the shock of feeling old, the Doctor and I came to realize that kids today don't know shit about music.

Just kidding.

Want to know what the new dividing cultural reference is?

Twitter.

Most friends my age have no understanding of Twitter.

Do you?

As Wikipedia explains it, "Twitter is a social networking and micro-blogging service that enables its users to send and read other users' updates known as tweets. Tweets are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length which are displayed on the user's profile page and delivered to other users who have subscribed to them (known as followers)."

Could anything sound dumber or less intellectually-stimulating? It sounds like writing in Morse Code.

However, everyone from my agent to fellow bloggers to readers are pushing me to join Twitter. I literally get about 20 e-mails per week from strangers asking me to please start a Twitter page.

Here are my problems with Twitter.

(1) I don't like the fact that people who subscribe to your Twitter page are called "followers." When I think of "followers," I think of Jim Jones, Joel Osteen, and Oprah Winfrey. Call me crazy.

(2)  Everyone wants to believe that they’re important because everyone, at their core, is a narcissist. And how better to give yourself an inflated sense of importance than to think that there are large numbers of people who are reading a 140 word post you’ve written that says, “Going to the store to look for cereal. Hope they have Chex!”  Please spare me the details of your boring life.

(3) I was recently at a dinner with a bunch of 20 year olds. All of them spent the entire night twittering. All it did was make me realize that kids today have the attention span of fruit flies. If you speak to them using more than 140 characters, their minds literally go into shutdown mode and they'll go on their iphones and twitter "stuck at dinner next to some weird old guy who won't stop talking."

Anyway, in the name of science, I decided to imagine what I would write if I had my own Twitter page so I wrote down every thought I've had in the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure I won't follow through on actually joining Twitter because really, who has the fucking time?

Regardless, here are the past 24 hours of my life as expressed via Twitter:

• New York City smells like a wet tampon today, n'est-ce pas?

• It's cool connecting with high-school friends on Facebook but the abortion bills are killing me!

• Why do they only do construction work in my office when I have a hangover?

• "I'm considering being one of those guys who claims not to watch tv," he said as he watched yet another episode of "Real Houswives of New York."

• Why would my co-worker think I would give a shit about his vegetable garden?

• My apartment has a faint smell of mouse poop and toddler pee.

• I want to join the NFL just so I can show off my dope-ass touchdown dances.

• Apparently I'm on a diet of egg whites and tequila. Lost 5 pounds and 5,000 brain cells.

• My daughter is high on chocolate and running around naked. It's like the pre-school version of Burning Man.

• Am I the only one who thinks Campbell Brown has freaky cheekbones?

• I am Kaiser Soze!

• Better name for my imaginary son? Jack Bauer Kim or Mookie Wilson Kim?

• Oprah joining Twitter is like your grandma getting a tattoo, a Brazilian wax, and a belly button ring. No offense, Nana. Love your new tats!

• The "Housewives of New York" reminds me of Dorothy Parker and the Algonguin Round Table. Not!

• It's really true. Sometimes you can just smell "the crazy."
  

• If you name your daughter Siena, should you be surprised when she grows up to be a stripper?

I'm still undecided on the whole Twitter thing. It seems too exhausting (and boring.) Obviously writing on this blog is kicking my ass enough as it is. However, I do kind of like the idea of writing down quick brain farts instead of fully-formed blog posts.

Hmm, dilemma.

I'm pretty sure that I'll never start a Twitter page. Honestly, I'm just too damn old. Forty-year-old dads should just not be on Twitter. In fact, there should be a law against it. However, tell me YOUR Twitter pages and some of your favorite ones so I can judge this whole phenomenon more rationally. Maybe I'll change my mind.

But I seriously doubt it.

Comments

[Helene]

Nothing would make me happier than if you started a Twitter page, MD. Please do it!

[Laura F]

Oh please don't! Twitter is for twerps. Keep blogging instead.

I can't recommend any twitter pages. I'm over 35 and can't be bothered with it.

[Jenny]

I'm young (relatively...actually I am still in the tens, so I'm definitely young), but haven't gotten caught up in the craze of twitter yet! I think it's cute, but like you said, incredibly self-centered. Great for celebrities, no?
I think it'd be okay if you started one because let's face it...you're funny so that makes it okay. It's more like you're entertaining us rather than telling us all the mundane details of your exciting life!
(Kaiser Soze! Usual Suspects...great movie. Is your Mookie reference to Do the Right Thing?)

[jiveturkey]

Nothing would make me happier if you DID NOT start a Twitter page, MD. Please DON'T do it!

(no offense meant to Helene.)

As our parents once said to us (and we will say to our children, if we haven't already), if everyone is jumping off a bridge, are you going to jump to your death, too?

[Derek]

Twits are for kids.

[s]

love your post. TOTALLY agree with it.
my husband and I think twitter is pretty senseless, stupid, waste-of-time. i joined twitter but do not "tweet"(?). I merely joined in order to get coupon codes. Pathetic, no?

[NurseRachett]

Please no.
Don't ruin your integrity for the 20 year olds.

and thank God my attention span is that of a bumblebee and not a fruitfly - I'm slightly less ADHD by 3 years! woo!

again - please no - this blog is amazing, don't tarnish it!

[estelle]

Ok, those were some of the funniest tweets I've ever read. I would love to be a "follower" of an MD Twitter page. On the other hand, I'd much rather have you write more on the blog. Please!

[edrie]

Reading your 24hrs tweets is hilarious but with or without twitter you are fine. As long as you keep writing here!

[Brklynsurfer]

I use twitter because I am too busy to constantly maintain a blog. I really don't care who follows me. I follow interesting people though. Two highly quality twitter users I would recomend are also bloggers
http://twitter.com/jkottke

and http://twitter.com/jakedobkin

[SAHM-I-AM]

Tweeting and blogging need not be mutually exclusive MD. I must admit that when I first started using Twitter, I thought it was the most useless social network medium ever invented. Then I figured out how to post my tweets on my blog page and the love-fest began. I tweet to give my blog readers quick updates(using my Blackberry via the Twitterberry app) when I don't have time to write longer musings. A few of my tweets have become inspirations for longer blogs. I also use Twitter (though not always) to plug my recent posts and rely on my fave bloggers' tweets to keep me posted on their recent blog posts.

BTW, loving Twitter has nothing to do with age. I'm over 40 and am a Twitter follower and I know plenty of 30-40 somethings who use it too. I started blogging and tweeting only recently so I don't have a long list of followers yet but my 2 favourites are these because they just make me fall out of my chair laughing everytime I read their tweets:

http://twitter.com/dooce
http://twitter.com/formerlyCwalken

My own tweets are pretty subdued, if not boring by comparison, but here it is anyway:
http://twitter.com/i_am_sahm

Twitter on, dude.

[metro mama]

MD, all the cool kids are tweeting. Please do it! It's addictive, I swear.

Here's mine: http://twitter.com/jforrest

[Dana]

I -would- recommend you Twitter, because your sample tweets are much better than anything I've ever read on that site... Unfortunately, I am -not- endorsing anything that takes time away from your blogging!!

[Issa]

MD, I have to tell you honestly that you might be the one person I can see not liking Twitter. As much as I'd love to lie to you about it, I don't think you'd like it. I love it, but I love text messages about nothing and chats for hours about jelly beans and silly TV shows.

If I'm wrong, I'd love it. Because I'm sure your Tweets would be hysterical. But I've read your site for years and once upon a time, we used to be semi-Internet friends and I don't think you'd end up using it for long.

Just being honest. If you decide to try it out, my page is here: http://twitter.com/Issascrazyworld . Funniest Tweeps I know? http://twitter.com/BackpackingDad and http://twitter.com/redneckmommy

[Jason]

Very funny! I love the "Burning Man" tweet, nice.

Mine is twitter.com/tallicdeth, I usually tweet about shows I'm at, I basically started it for a thing to text info when i was out and about, but since I'm on facebook mobile now, I just text it to both, but I plan to stop tweeting soon, I don't see the need when my facebook status does just as well if not better.

Others I follow are local radio stations, adam from mythbusters (/donttrythis), Eliza Dushku (/elizapatricia) she has a great handle on twitter!

[Gabriel Fancher]

I can think of nothing better than reading quick random thoughts of The Metro Dad. Might as well keep up with the times, people were anti blogging, and now its putting newspapers out of business.

[Issa]

Pierre, seriously I'm thinking that comment from me sounded a bit harsh. I didn't really mean it too. Too much wine maybe.

[A. Yellis]

Now I *would* be right there with you, but my sixty year old dad understands better & uses twitter more effectively than I do. Thus proving that I'm clearly missing something. One day I'll be as cool as him, or at least as old as him.

I'm at @a_yellis.

Favorites:

@pmablog - NY-centric music news
@trelvix - laffs
@xiaoyi - keep my chinese fresh
@sdweathers - you know my man in shanghai? it's him.
@yongfook - don't we all worship him just a little?

[Rachel]

tweet! Its fun and you can keep your friends updated quickly when you don't have time or are too lazy to write a full blog post. And your tweets were hilarious! I'd love to be a MetroDad follower!

[mrs.notouching]

I don't do twitter...yet, but I think for you it will be a "necessary evil" - you are a celebrity now and with your sitcom and all coming out it will be your job to get more "followers", fans or whatever kids call them these days... And your sample tweets are hilarious.

[cks]

MD - I've never posted before but have been stalking your blog for a bit . . . yeah, I'm one of those.

Just say NO to Twitter! Ugh, yuck. I can barely stand Facebook. Love your blog, though!

[Chris]

I succumbed to Twitter peer-pressure and started tweeting. Like you, I'm 40+ and have three kids. The blog is enough of a time suck and I don't even do that right. Twitter's a little better than I thought it would be, but I still don't have the time to engage with people like I see others doing.

You should try it. You can come and go as you please... just like your blog.

[Amy Sue Nathan]

When I wanted a free shipping code for Lands End...I went to Twitter. When I wanted to reach Mom101 in a flash, I went to Twitter. For me it's a way to share great articles and posts and yes, to try to hoodwink unknowing Tweets into coming to my non-monetized, mostly about writing or my life blog. Sometimes I use it as an experiment - which tweets get a response (most do not) and what time did I tweet them.

I'm signed up for Chicago News tweets and that's interesting sometimes.

But most people my age - 45 - might have heard of it but have never used it. Most people I know IRL barely use FB, and none of them blog. Not sure they know what a blog is.

IMO Twitter is a "look at me" Web 2.0 application. And sometimes, I need that!!

[twizzle]

I, too, am over 40 and will never join Twitter. Be closed-minded, Metro Dad, and DO NOT JOIN!

[Heather K.]

I'm 25 and don't have a Twitter page. Mainly because I think it would be too much pressure. But I would LOVE to read a MetroDad twitter. I long for your blog posts.

If you don't "tweet" will you promise to post more?

[SassyCupcakes]

That is exactly why you should tweet (twhirl makes it easier too). Also, Mookie, totally Mookie.

*Disclaimer: I'm 25.

[JJ Daddy-O]

Twitter rewards headline writers and extra fast thumb typers, but you are correct about attention spans- except they are more like fruit flies that forgot their adderal.
I'm splitting the difference, I am twittering about music on Blip.
http://blip.fm/JJDaddyO
Maybe it's kind of a public service for those who have never heard of The Cure, or The Shirelles, or Joe Jackson, or 3rd Bass, or even Fatboy Slim. My way of giving back.
Speaking of music and texting, me and Goth Mom at Coachella last year noticed that phenom- 20-somethings who can't stop texting. Dude, Prince is on stage SLAYING them and you are texting your frat brother about the twinkie in the tube top next to you!?
OK, maybe our species is doomed.

[Mama Nabi]

Dear Metrodad,

If you join the masses of twittering twits, we are through.

With much affection,

Mama Nabi

(Oh, what the fuck do I care - join, join... but don't come crying to me when you tweet abour running out of toilet paper while on the commode and your gazillion stalkers - uh, I mean, "followers" show up and bust the door down, clawing at each other just to be the one whose precious 2 ply paper roll with which you end up wiping. As usual, I'll take your scotch 5th and claim I was drunk as I wrote a mean comment.)

[kc]

Long time reader, though I hardly comment. You just gave me the biggest laugh. That's quite a feat considering I'm going through cancer treatments. =P Thanks!

[talda]

twitter is not for everyone, i will admit. i tweet though i haven't hit 30 yet [i'm just hanging on by a few threads] if age makes a difference. except for three people, everyone on my list are my friends, so really, it is what it is. if people want to follow me, so bit it, but i'm not looking to become famous. its weird but i could care less what pretty much everyone else has to say but those in my immediate circle.

on that note, i do recommend my friend, twitter.com/thejlv. he's a teacher in nyc and usually has some good things to say. and twitter.com/tourex is pretty good too.

if you like, you can find me at twitter.com/talda. i make no claims of extraordinary content. i get lucky every once in the while though. i have no illusions of grandeur.

[bleachusd]

This 24 year old knows all but New Order on your list... I think she was just a special case.

[beyond]

Your tweets made me laugh. However I don't think you should start tweeting. Don't let them talk you into it! You have enough followers on your blog. Maybe I'm biased since I'm in my early thirties and don't have a twitter page which means I'm as cool as metrodad now. I'm not on facebook either, so I might as well admit I live in the dark ages.

[Naveen Bachwani]

Don't know if there is any right age to start Twittering, but from the list you've posted, your tweets would make for an interesting read.

From what I've gathered, Twitter works best when used with other tools that make it more relevant for you.

After some trial and error, I now use TwitterFeed to automatically publish new blog posts as a feed on my Twitter page. And plan to start posting (non-feed) tweets as soon as I configure the HelloTxt app on my Facebook!

Hope that helps...

[jenstate]

MD,
My daughter's name is Jacquelyn... we call her Jacq for short. And my son? His name is Kiefer.

[Rachel E.]

I'm with you on this one. I just don't get it at all.

[landismom]

I do tweet. But wth, it's just a web app--no need for folks to get all crazy about it.

And then there's this take on twitter...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTN9We8unmU

Enjoy!

(My god, I can't believe I'm the first one to post this! I must still be hip after all.)

[kribss]

i saw just blog more even if it is random bits. i'm too old to follow you on twitter.

[Ashley]

i created and account yet still dont get it.

[Sara V.]

NOOOOOO! Please don't twitter, MD. I just get the feeling that means you would write on the blog less. I want you writing more. Nothing makes my morning better than seeing that you've put up a new post!

[Viet Huynh]

I think it just depends on how you use it. I agree with you when it's people that just say "Going to the store for a sale on bananas" or something like that it's pretty worthless. On the other hand it could be a good promotional tool. A few blogs that I follow use twitter to post updates and links to their recent blogs. Now I don't have to check the page constantly seeing if they recently updated or not.

I'm a stand-up comic so it's just another avenue for me to tell people where I will be performing, and sometimes I'll (try) to post a funny comment or link I've stumbled across. I also have it linked to my Facebook so it's not like I have to do any extra work to post on both sites.

[Katrina]

I originally signed up for Twitter about a year and a half ago so I could get tweets telling when the Wii console was available. Beyond that, I found it pretty useless for a long while, until I figured out that I could tweet status updates to Facebook. That's truly when I started using it on a regular basis.

I have the TwitterFox add-on for Firefox and it makes it so deliciously easy - just type into the box and voila. And as others have said, your list of thoughts/potential tweets are damn funny!

I'm @gnubeewonkanobi but it's fairly light on the funny because I'm too busy figuring out how to keep track of 2 children these days.

[Ellia]

I know your blog is hugely popular but I'll bet if you started tweeting, you'd become even more popular. Think of it as a way to promote the blog (if that's what you want to do.) I kind of get the feeling you're not into the self-promotion thing though. That's why I like reading your blog.

[Pamela]

Oh, please join Twitter!

These types of random brain-fart comments would make my day as I sit in an endless string of boring corporate meetings day in and day out.

I'll be your first follower.

[talda]

i will also like to add: twitter.com/darthvader. it's a fact account but still pretty funny

[Julie Kang]

I have a twitter account (@juliekang), but my tweets are boring as hell. It is nice to jot down something via mobile vs. trying to rely on my mommybrain to remember something cute one of the kids said, etc.

My personal favorite twitterer is @diablocody. She is worth the price of admission alone.

[Amy]

No, don't join! We'd rather see more of these funny thought-provoking blog entries than 140 characters of trivia!

[Busy Mom]

I'm nearly 45. Just do it! Contrary to popular belief it's not people just writing what they do all day. There are some great conversations there, kind of like a cross between a party line and a cocktail party.

I'm @busymom and there are some funny, funny people out there on Twitter.

One of my favorite sites is http://favrd.textism.com/

It's a collection of tweets people have added as favorites.

[Ashley]

I will send you some Dreamland bbq sauce if you will never join twitter. I concur 100 percent on what you said above AND mostly, people are boring. I do not care if someone goes to the grocery store, bathroom or school. I tried it for 48 hours. My husband said that was the quickest hot to cold he had ever seen.

[Jacqui]

Don't even think about twitter. If you have ANY free time, write more on the blog. PUHLEASE!

Thanks!

[Nina]

I'm 6 years older than your friend's nanny but I don't know anybody that hasn't at least heard of nearly all those groups. Even my 3yo listens to Nirvana. :) (I admit, I don't know New Order though. Sorry!) I think she's an exception. I hope!

I'm on twitter, but all this web 2.0 (blogs! facebook! twitter! eeek!) got to be too much and I basically stopped doing everything. I like twitter though. It's just fun. But it's a time sucker and I've got more important things to do right now. Like wiping my baby's butt and such.