Over the past 4.5 years, I've been woken up by my lovely daughter in about a million possible ways.
When she was a baby, it was all very cute. I'd often arise to find her using my head as a pillow. However, I chalk that one up to sheer comfort. My head is abnormally large and I could imagine how an infant crawling on a bed would see my head and be naturally attracted to it. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan gravitating towards an open bar at the Chateau Marmont.
When I'd mention this to friends, they'd often tell me endearing stories about how their kids would wake them up: nuzzling on their neck, jumping on the bed, kissing them on the cheek, or gently cuddling with them in semi-slumber.
Sure, I got a little of that.
Not too much though.
As the Peanut got older and developed a sense of humor (one for which I feel both proud and shamefully responsible,) she started coming up with amusing ways to wake me up:
- Sticking her fingers up my nose.
- Shining a flashlight in my eyes.
- Covering my face with a mountain of stuffed animals.
- Putting her sippy cup in my mouth and force feeding me apple juice.
- Drawing hieroglyphics on my face with a magic marker.
Now, I'm generally a crappy morning person. I'm usually so groggy and unfocused that it takes awhile for me to get my bearings. So invariably when my daughter wakes me up in one of her inventive ways, it scares the living crap out of me.
However, my startlement only makes my adorable little daughter laugh like a freaking hyena. Seriously. Have you ever seen a pre-schooler laugh so hard that tears are rolling down her cheeks? Feel free to come over any morning and witness for yourself.
Now, before I continue any further, I just want to say that the Peanut is the kind of girl who automatically folds her napkin on her lap at a restaurant but will then stick french fries up her nose to get a laugh.
If you sneeze, she'll say "Bless you," but then carefully check your hand to see if you caught any good boogers (apparently, the "good ones" are the green ones.)
In other words, my daughter is unfailingly polite and well-mannered---but dude, let's face it. She's fucking 4 years old!
The point of all this is that the Peanut has found a new way to start my days.
Recently, she's been waking up before me and occupying herself in her little den. As my alarm clock goes off, I drag myself out of bed and wearily make myself over to the master bathroom for my morning pee.
As I lean over the toilet, I'm hit with an abominable smell that can only mean one thing. Sure enough, as I open my eyes, I look down and see that the Peanut has not only taken an enormous crap but has also failed to flush the toilet!
As I scream out her name, I can hear the Peanut laughing in the other room. When I sternly call her over and ask her why she left a giant log in my toilet, she toothily grins and says, "Do you like it, Daddy? It's a present for you!" She then starts cackling hilariously.
Once again, I feel both proud and shamefully responsible.
Meanwhile, does this look like a girl who would leave a floater in your toilet?
By the way, this is the Peanut's variation of "Crying Wolf." Every time she goes to the bathroom and I'm in another room, she yells out, "Help, Daddy, Help! I've fallen in the toilet and I can't get out!" When I inevitably make my way to the bathroom, she jumps out of the toilet and yells, "Just kidding!"
Ahhh...the joys of modern parenting.
Meanwhile, in 15 years, how much is she going to hate that I put this photo of her up here? Sorry, Peanut. Should have thought of that when you were licking my face and sticking jelly beans up my nose at 6:00 am. Payback's a bitch.
I love you, kiddo!
Awesome. So, when you're barely awake, is your aim good enough to break the turd apart and push it around the bowl? No?
Posted by: muskrat | May 05, 2009 at 10:51 AM
She's going to LOVE that photo in 15 years, MD. How could she not?
Posted by: J.Lambert | May 05, 2009 at 10:56 AM
She's like a female version of my 4 year old son "El Chupa Cabra" What is it with 4 year olds and their obsession with all things poop related?
Posted by: karla | May 06, 2009 at 05:02 PM
You only got 53 comments here. Maybe you're not so special. ;-p
I laughed out loud three times, in case you're into statistics. I especially liked the punchline about payback because it helps me with my unsurety over leaving up posts that will one day be embarrassing. Ya-- why SHOULD I feel bad? I used to hallucinate while I was awake because of the sleep deprivation. (Incidentally, my most common hallucination was that my baby son was talking to me in Spanish. No, I don't speak Spanish.)
And Peanut is sooo adorable. Love her side-swept hair.
Posted by: Natasha | May 06, 2009 at 11:47 PM
Damn, Peanut is getting big! She is a doll! Anyway MD looking out for the yearly allergy post. What gives? Find a cure? I'd love to know about it! Sincerely, Fellow Gusher/Can't Fricken Breathe/Spring is Here Again Reader
Posted by: Pam | May 07, 2009 at 07:03 PM
Payback's a bitch is a great lesson for all of us! She's too cute, MD!
Posted by: Fannie | May 08, 2009 at 06:55 PM
i wish i had such amusing things to write about, she sounds awesome.
Posted by: Daniel | May 08, 2009 at 08:34 PM
My 7 year old boy loves to leave presents in our toilets. I can't seem to get him to flush. Between both my boys and my husband, there is a bit of obsession over crap. My oldest considers the bathroom his office and retires there after school for 45 minutes each day. My husband has spoiled the kids with cottonelle wet ones, and my youngest leaves gifts...HELP!
Posted by: Linda | May 08, 2009 at 11:14 PM
Every time I read your blog, one of the only thoughts running through my head is that someday I would love to have a daughter just like yours. I know she's going to drive me crazy, but with a funny, beautiful, intelligent little girl like that, who cares?
I love your blog ^^ I come here whenever I'm overwhelmed, like now, when I should be studying, and just reread all the older entries. They crack me up every time!
Posted by: Jee K. | May 09, 2009 at 09:54 AM
Your little peanut is so adorable...I'm sure she will appreciate your sense of humor in 15 years...love your blog!!!
Posted by: Reshmi | May 13, 2009 at 05:32 PM
This is a very funny post and cute picture. Hey, all the joys of parenting. At least she has a sense of humor. Love reading them.
Posted by: Sue | May 14, 2009 at 12:20 PM
This is very ironic, I'm 24 now and I used to do the exactly the same thing to my dad. Granted, I only do milder versions now.. ie: dutch oven instead of leaving "presents.."
Posted by: sara | May 15, 2009 at 10:09 AM
You guys are such adorables!!
Love the Peanut but I guess love you bit more for sharing such precious moment with all of us. How is the Sitcom deal coming up?
Posted by: Spontaneous Mini | May 15, 2009 at 03:27 PM
loved this post metrodad! visiting ur space after ages so have a lot to catch up on...
...and how it goes?
Posted by: chandni | June 08, 2009 at 10:31 AM
you know why i love you so? because you do the things the rest of us dont have the balls to. i put up a picture of my son on the toilet, when he was 2. the indian blogging moral police drove me nuts and i finally took it down.
Posted by: the mad momma | June 11, 2009 at 02:02 PM
Oh, wow...I'm still laughing after reading that one. My 2 1/2 year old is so much fun, and I can hardly wait to see what she comes with as those brain connections keep growing. I definitely see a lot of "potty" humor in her future...
Posted by: Hanni | June 16, 2009 at 10:38 PM
AWWWWWWE! She is so Cute! It sounds like she's hazing you to be a part of her sorority. Kind of like a right of passage :)
Posted by: roulette system | June 29, 2009 at 05:50 PM
This is so cute. I have forgotten all of the fun things that they do. I now have a grandson that holds me down, so I will not leave the bed as soon as he falls asleep. If, I try to move his arm from around my neck, he wakes up and holds on to me closer. The game is now, when I put him down for his nap, I have to go to sleep, too. Kids are great!
Posted by: Shelly | July 06, 2010 at 12:03 AM
This is so funny. You take it so well. Wait until she grows up and sees this. I do not think she will think this is funny, but I do.
Posted by: Jane | July 11, 2010 at 08:05 PM
It's was so funny I remember my little brother on that..
Posted by: Annie Leibovitz | August 12, 2011 at 06:10 AM
Happy birthday to your mom-in-law, Beth! So many stmiohengs and someones to celebrate if it was my bday how to pick? Hmm OLLIE! I celebrate him every day of the year. Also, I found out this morning a pastor I LOVE is cancer-free following surgery last week. It hasn't spread anywhere else. A massive reason to celebrate, bday or not.
Posted by: Hobx | July 04, 2012 at 02:08 PM
I'm not far behind you (32w5d) thuogh I'm measuring 3 weeks ahead on top of that! And I soooo understand this is #4 and I've avg 60lbs a baby! ack! I'm so big this time even the longer shirts don't fit!Anyhow, congrat's and great blog! (followed thru from moms of grace)
Posted by: Anna | July 04, 2012 at 04:12 PM
What a wonderful erxoessipn of love! It was nice to read. It was my oldest daughter's 16th birthday this weekend. We did some silly stories but not as much reminiscing as I wish we had now as I read your post. It is a good healthy thing to do though. Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by: Has | July 04, 2012 at 05:13 PM
to the nurses I about got tears in my eyes! I hear ya about scoohl I don't want to do it ALL summer and I'm praying we can cram a bit here and there to finish at a decent time! Nice to see an update from you!
Posted by: Maciek | July 04, 2012 at 05:35 PM
Just Call Me Relieved .To have found your review of this drefdaul book. Yeah, I think there are some good basic anecdotes in it, like having a thankful attitude, smiling at my husband and showing him that I'm thankful for him, etc., but as a thirty-two-year-old (Jewish, albeit Christian ) single mother of a brilliant autistic eight-year-old boy, I more or less wanted to put my head in the oven after I read CTBHHM. I have known for the past 15 months that God is preparing me for marriage, and it was in an eagerness to please Him, as well as to gain insight into the special secret ingredients that make up a good wife that I picked up the book in the first place. I should have known better. I never have liked (but felt pressured into adhering to) the Pearls' theology, but I really wanted to do the right thing. Sadly, according to Debi Pearl, as a single mother, not only have I committed the worst imaginable sins in order to arrive at my lowly status (must've somehow impregnated myself while in the troes of some delerious, lustful rebellion never mind the CONTEXT or HISTORY, or, gasp, BIOLOGY/DUAL NATURE OF HETEROS*XUAL INTERCOURSE involved in pregnancy), I have a ragged hair cut, I dress cheaply, I desperatly cling to whatever soul-crushing, un-inspiring job I can find because I am a slave to my morbid, tawdry, Godless past and now will forever be bound to it, I wear too much make-up, I seek companionship in the arms of other single mothers (!!!), my kid is an unlovable, uncontrollable brat that no man wants to step-father, I leave him with my weird boyfriends when I have to work, and I can look forward to a future of lonliness and rejection as eligable men look over my head at younger women with no strings attatched and I drive myself to the doctor's office when I have a lump in my breast because my angry, self-absorbed, neglected son is too invloved in s*x and drugs to care about me.Yow.I don't know about anyone else, but I in particular am VERY good at morbid future-gazing without the help of anyone else. With what I have been through in life so far, I don't think I would still be alive if I believed that Debi Pearl's view of me was God's view of me. Praise Him, He loves me so much more than what is presented in this book. I don't like to constantly defend or justify myself, but DP's bigoted, unjust and bitterly unkind take on single mothers is enough for me to Just Say No to the Pearls. I've wasted enough of my money and time.
Posted by: Mudassar | July 04, 2012 at 11:29 PM
:I'm not sure what you mean . . . with respect to mrgtoage amounts accounting for debt . . . hell, no one will LET the debt be measured, as the FED and SEC control the accounting firms who are in on it all, too . . . . etc.First of all, I was talking about the face value of the assets formerly known as toxic . This is not hidden it's in their quarterly reports. It's what they were claiming they were worth before it turned out that they weren't worth that much.Second, you have to stop looking at these people as being the obedient minions of Cthulhu. As rich people they have in common the desire to preserve and expand their privileges, so they often act in concert. But they'll also stab each other in the back if they think they can get away with it. Bernie Madoff, Alan Stanford, Key Lay they all ripped off rich people, too.The Fed, the SEC actually sometimes do the job they were created to do. It's not the institutions, it's whether they're run by public servants or cronies.You see, you can't stop the ripoffs. You can only chase the bright ones, figure out how they gamed the system, then change the rules before the copycats move in. The very best you can do is play catch-up.Now, the AIG bonuses are useful for theater building outrage. They amount to 1/1,000th of the AIG TARP funds. If Geithner knew about them and ignored them, I don't blame him at all. I absolutely agree with Dean Baker that CDSes are out and out horse track gambling. I can't take out a $1M life insurance policy on you, payable to me without your signature, for obvious reasons. But Sen. Gramm convinced enough people that it was a good idea to get it passed (actually, I believe he snuck it into an appropriations bill and most people didn't notice). As a result, they cannot be regulated (or banned) without legislation. And no, I do not understand why TARP funds were used to honor horse track betting when the bookie went bad. The fact that the AIG unit that was bookie was in London and most of the bettors were European banks probably has something to do with it.readerOfTeaLeaves has a good comment at 11:59, though he confuses CDOs and CDSs at times, and I don't think his conclusion is justified.But, we can only nationalize commercial banks. It would take new legislation to nationalize investment banks. And it will take new legislation to put a walls back between commercial banking, investment banking and insurance. However big a shitstorm they've created, they still have tons and tons of money, and tons of friends in the media and congress. A few peasants storming the gate probably won't do it. It's a chess game, not WWE Raw.Geithner's plan: Banks will not get face value, and probably nothing near. If things go south, the taxpayer will take a bath, but they would without the Geithner plan, too. The biggest danger is unemployment, not the collapse of the RE bubble. If people have jobs, mrgtoages will get paid and those assets will be worth something.I left you another . Really, Larue, we have to stop not meeting like this.
Posted by: Paulo | July 06, 2012 at 06:24 AM
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